Does anyone else feel utterly bereft that you have a dysfunctional family?

[rolvus]

Estranged from one parent. The other I'm finding it really hard to spend any time with. When I look back, I feel a lot of problems with my self esteem come from the things they say and do. I'm not close to my sibling, as we're very different people. It's not just my immediate family though. There is dysfunction further back, with all but one marriage ending in divorce and many sufferers of depression. I feel so completely fed up when I look at other seemingly loving, close, affectionate and 'normal' families enjoying life for the most part. Big family gatherings, trips to Center Parcs with extended family, holidays together.

When you know you only get one life and will never have this it feels quite brutal and hard to accept. My own marriage has now failed, in part because I had/have low self esteem and chose someone not capable of being a good partner, but also probably down to my own insistence on being closed off and keeping my barrier up. My kids don't get on with each other and are completely different so can't imagine they will be friends as adults. It all feels very hopeless. I almost wish I hadn't had kids and had ended the line with me. I don't feel I can offer my kids much and picture myself old and very much alone.

Does anyone else understand this? Feel so so hopeless for the future.

This resonates with me, although my kids get on.

Tiny extended family whom my father didn’t get on with, and who are now mainly deceased. My upbringing wasn’t the greatest.

My marital breakdown was in late 2016 but I get the impression that yours is very recent or underway. I think that it may be causing you to reflect on everything. I was the same 6.5 years ago.

I now focus on the positives. I have a great partner and a decent circle of friends. Also, an interesting job. Good health. My own home.

The extended family Christmases in the tv ads don’t reflect my situation but I’ve come to terms with it.

I understand.

I have just been on a holiday where I saw loads of seemingly happy family units and it really unexpectedly triggered a kind of grief in me that I've never been able to give my own dcs that experience despite having it myself. Xh was a high flying narcissist and despite all efforts, I just couldn't salvage it.

I have lots of friends and a pretty good relationship with family, although nobody lives locally to me, but I often feel I'm missing my tribe, if that makes sense?

It's really hard when you can't seem to make the life you'd like happen for you.

I've managed to break the cycle with my own kids- so far at least. Both in their early/mid 20s.

I do appreciate how you feel though, and have had several miserable Christmases because none of my siblings or parents want to know. They are quick when they want something, but very hot and cold the rest of the time. I've had to distance myself. I go through the motions, and help if I can, but there's not much feeling there any more.

Is there anything you can do to build connections with your DC? Don't expect them to get on with each other, but encourage them to respect and support each other.

Yes I feel absolutely gutted that I have the family I have. Mostly I can get by and not think of it. Sometimes like lately I've cried over it. I've drawn the short straw in terms of family on both sides and inlaws. Sometimes I wonder if it's me!

Likewise. Parents divorced; dad now dead but was narcissistic and laid the seeds of division amongst his children. As a consequence I have 3 siblings; none of us speak. The adverts depicting happy families do sometimes cut deep. I've tried to cultivate a life with good friends...

No. Families can be a huge burden. Friends are so much more important.
And, actually, solitude is pretty cool too.

I have gone no contact with the majority of my siblings - my mother hates that I have done this because it's embarrassing -she would say she's upset about it but she can't remember why I can't get on with them - she reduces it down to my inability to forgive. But forgiveness is not the issue and I can easily forgive them - they are as affected by our dysfunctional childhood as I am but I don't trust them and I can't have a relationship with someone I don't trust, I was bereft now I'm relieved to not have them as part of my life. I hop you find a solution, my only regret was not cutting then out of my life sooner.

I also had a cry this week over MIL. Actually that's what has triggered this latest 'meltdown'. I always felt uncomfortable dating people from 'normal' families so felt at ease with DH as he had a similar background. Boy, what a mistake that was. Also wondering if it could be me?! I'm at a loss where to go from here. Really sad. Sorry to hear you're going through similar.

I'm really enjoying solitude as I get older and have even started solo travelling. I'm happy in my own company, but do wonder how I'll feel when the kids have flown the nest. I'm not great with friendships, as don't feel good enough to have them and feel rejected every time one doesn't last. I've given up now.

I'd love to work on their relationship. I really would like them to be friends as adults. Not sure where to start.

Yes. But life is one long journey. Nothing is set. You can work on things and change them.

This is me as well

I have a very difficult sister who basically marrs every occasion for me and I come to dread family events, I sidestep sometimes and also cut my presence short. She cannot stop herself from speaking to me like a piece of shit.

I am very low contact going No Contact is temporarily not possible but will be soon.

I see other large close families and I just feel sad. It's stupid stuff like I would love to sit with my Mum and banter over the Coronation when it gets screened but She will be there glaring at me for daring to breathe so I'm not going

Not all happy families are happy.

So many people tell me how lucky I am as my family is amazing and so close etc. when in reality we stay in touch as we don't feel we have a choice or it's easier to. My siblings and I all have different mental health issues as a result of our parents, and are all ok either anti depressants or anxiety medication

I know what you mean op. Apart from dh and dcs, there's no one else alive in my family i want to spend time with. Feels quite enormous to say that.

I have an alcoholic mother and a narcissistic father- they’ve always used their children as a tool in their arguments and caused huge division when we were little however as adults we’ve managed to see what our parents did and we’ve worked on our relationships. My parents are still toxic and we all try to spend as little time as possible with them. My parents behaviour still causes me stress at times but I only speak with them occasionally on the phone now and my life is better for it.

I can relate so much to all theses comments. I need to get some sleep but will come back in the morning.

Yes. I'm not jealous of other families who are more rounded people though, their existence gives me hope that life can work out well and I'm happy for them. I am so so disappointed by my own family. I've tried, but you can't have a relationship by yourself, it takes two. Some of them can't be bothered to stay in touch at all, some are prejudiced against me and my DP, some want it all their own way right down to telling me how to think. They are all interlinked somehow, I'm the one who isn't although I've had to fight for that. I used to be as linked as the rest of them. I keep my guard up because if I let it down with any of them, news travels fast and they do so love to gossip. Then it causes problems with the controlling ones. I've spent the last few years slowly detaching. It's the strangest of feelings. As if I've fallen out of love with them I suppose. It's been freeing but is also sad.

Yes, it's just me, oh and our children. No one else on either side. It's very lonely. And then from a practical point of view, there isnt anyone to ask for advice/help with a house move/occasionally babysit etc etc.
It's just lonely. 💐

I hear you.

Gone through all sorts with my family and am now estranged, as a result of which my own kids have almost no extended family. I feel terrible about that - until I consider the alternative!

But I miss the family I never had.

I am definitely attracted to people who have been through similar, with mixed results.

I had a very dysfunctional childhood. Emotional neglect. I really don't think anybody noticed me.
My sister carried on an with that abuse into adulthood and I am I no contact with her.
One of my brothers also.
Patents deceased. I loved them but they should never had children,

I seem to have so many problems with relationships and nobody else in real life seems to struggle or if they are, they aren't saying.

I have grieved the family I don't have. I also wish I had more nurturing friendships. I regret confiding in people who were never interested so now I don't.

@WildUnknown that seems so unfair. Can you just greyrock your sister? I know it's hard as I have a sister who also speaks to me like I'm dirt on her shoe.

Yes of course people understand. Not every family is like the Waltons.

@ClaraBourne 'grieving for a family that you never had' exactly hits the nail on the head.

It's excruciatingly painful.

@ClaraBourne

I have tried every technique known to man

At this stage I really don't expect change. I just have to prioritise my sanity because the anger she induces in me is at times overwhelming and I hate feeling like that.

I do definitely mourn for the family that could have been and feel this more acutely because other options were definitely available but during my childhood I had little power

I have this as well - DH has a very troubled mother and enabler Dad. My pair don't get on but live abroad. They got slowly worse and more abusive in retirement.

We have one DC - no extended family really and grandparents who don't bother with dc (now we're no contact anyway).

Friends are important but I so envy families out for family meals together. I'm so sad it's turned out like this and I have had to reassess my whole childhood.

Meh - all I can do is be the best thing out of that marriage.

💐

Yes. In the past year we had a lot of fall outs.

My dad fell out with my older brother over money which brother had loaned dad but dad hadn't repaid.

They eventually came to an agreement but by this time my other brother had sided with my elder brother so my dad excommunicated him from the family for being a 'traitor'. Even though my dad was in the wrong. Bit of blameshifting methinks!

And my younger brother and I are estranged because I believe women don't have penises.

We were a fiery family in the past but usually resolved bust ups quickly. These ones have gone over a year now, it's freaking me out a bit.