Middle ground retorts for critical MIL

[PrinceHaz]

MIL has been here for a week. She is fundamentally nice but she cannot stop herself from a cavalcade of criticisms of my house e.g. you need a cleaner, this garden is completely overgrown, you’ve ruined that child and so on. She seems to have no filter in this area. For context, she's a very impulsive person e.g. grabbing and squeezing things in shops when you’re not meant to touch them, commenting rudely and loudly about people nearby, bursts of intense housework. I think if she was born more recently she might get an ADHD diagnosis.
This morning I sat down to eat my breakfast and she said. “This drawer is a total mess,” to which I replied, “can you criticise my house when I’ve finished my breakfast, I’d just like to sit down and eat first.” (my first actual response to her rudeness this week - normally I just say something non-commital). She was a bit shocked and repeated back to me what I’d said.
In the past, she has been a lot more cutting and I’ve not been unable to withstand it, meaning we’ve had periods of semi estrangement. Now, she’s in her late 80s and I’m keen not to upset her regardless of how she speaks to me, I think, on balance it’s best not to challenge someone of that age unless really necessary. Anyway, any tips on assertive but kind retorts, gratefully received.

It sounds like her visit was too long.

She was obnoxious but if you can possibly forget it after a suitable period of time I think you should.

DP and DD just returned and luckily she’s safely ensconced on the coach and not back here. He didn’t ask for anything of me re: her, just jokingly said, “have you stopped fuming?” I said, “ I haven’t been fuming or felt in any way like that, I just don’t want to be bullied and I’m glad she gone.” I also let him know that regarding the mortgage money comment, she will. It be welcome here, certainly any time I’m around.
While they were out, she gave DD her wedding ring to keep and tried a little to get her to take her side in this. DD is a bit bemused about the ring. It’s just a simple small band but she’s taken off and keeping it somewhere safe.

Glad for you OP that she's gone!

However, I dont agree with this:
I think, on balance it’s best not to challenge someone of that age unless really necessary

Why? older people dont get a pass to be rude arseholes just because theyve lived longer than others. I dont understand why people excuse horrid, mean behaviour just due to age (unless its due to dementia obv). If she comes back, I'd be calling it out every damn time- you seem to have got a good result from doing it as she's left so I'd continue to call it out until she either stropped off or stopped doing it.

glad you said something about the house comment-that was bang our of order

A couple of people have mentioned her age and not being given a pass to be rude. I feel a bit of an epiphany about that. She has all of her faculties and knows how she should behave, just chooses to be rude. I think I’m therefore not going to make any judgement about how I proceed on the basis of her age, anymore.
I’ve also felt the burden of wife work: looking after her when she’s here, I’ll often collect her and drive her the 2 hours to my house, I do the birthday cards, Christmas cards, Mother’s Day cards (ironic as I don’t have a mother myself) and chivvying of DD to write cards/DP to sign the Mother’s Day cards. I will stop that.
I remember one year, as an experiment, I left DP to get her Christmas and Birthday presents (her birthday is Boxing Day) and she got nothing, of course. I felt terrible for her, personally ashamed of my part in that. I think I’m quite happy now to take the consequences of him not doing his part for her personally.

I hope you aren't going to give your dp a free pass on his part in all this. The cynic in me says he's not asked you to do anything to make amends re his mother because he's aware of how much he's taken the utter piss in regard to you doing all the wife work. And he's quite like that to continue - his mum gets looked after with minimal effort on his part! You really do need to put a stop to that, going forward.

I'm so glad you've had your epiphany. It's so liberating when you decide to stop taking shit.

I’ve always justified letting him “take the piss” with the thought that she is elderly and therefore it’s more important that she gets cards and presents than that the responsibility is left to someone who should get them but who may or may not get them for her.
I feel today, a lot less concerned about her age and feel quite free at the thought of doing no more of it and not feeling guilt about it.

I just don’t want to be bullied and I’m glad she gone.

Good on you for saying it like it is!

My MiL is exactly the same. She makes cutting and critical remarks and I honestly don't think she notices she is doing it. Very similar to yours - no wonder he doesn't eat his meals properly if you let him have a biscuit; you both look as if you've been having too many takeaways; if you use a longer duster you wouldn't have so many webs on your cornicing....

Most recent one was a chat where I was saying to a 3rd person as part of a conversation we were having, that evidence shows that kids' immune systems need to be exposed to dirt a bit, that it's not good to be too clean or use too many antibacs, bleaches etc. MIL butted in, scoffing, and said "Well, Rheneas, I don't think YOUR kids have to worry about THAT!"
My home is perfectly clean and tidy. She puts on rubber gloves to throw away any receptacle our family dog eats or drinks from when we visit her....

Anyway OP eventually she was given her just desserts. Earlier this year during a visit, the scales suddenly fell from DH's eyes regarding the way she treats our kids compared to goldenboy brother's kids, me compared to DSIL (who is lovely) and him compared to his brother (who is also lovely, but moved countries so as not to have to deal with his mother too often). He now tolerates just a brief weekly phonecall, we have popped over for a long prearranged family gathering but come straight home, and he has no plans for her to visit anytime soon.

I don't think it's necessary to be cutting and critical all the time. My mum is in her 80s and she doesn't do it.

Rheneasandskarloey your MIL does sound very like mine. DP is an only child so I don’t get to compare notes with siblings and inlaws. Her behaviour goes unchecked because there’s no one to stand up to her. I guess she’s also not quite as rude with other people.

Re the people saying just reply 'don't care' or 'we like it like this', take care. I tried this with my mother (who wasn't nearly as bad as OPs) and to 'I don't care' I got 'well, you SHOULD care!' and then a lengthy lecture about...I dunno, whatever, I wasn't listening. 'We like it like this' got the reverse, 'well, you SHOULDN'T!' and a similarly long lecture about why.

So only use these if you can stand the resulting airing of the person's views about whatever it was they are getting their knickers in a twist over.

Still your dm has no business to comment. You are an adult and if you don't care it's up to you😀

Some of these relatives need boundaries

As the saying goes. You don't have a mil problem, you have a DP problem.

He is the one refusing to deal with this.

Just say "see ya then" and then give your DP a mouthful.

I think I'd have just said something like " oh i know! I'm sure if you keep rooting, you'll find Lord Lucan in there!"
Pretend not to 'see' the criticism.

On the age part, lots of people talk about how freeing it is to "just be themselves" when older, but to me that means not tolerating crap behaviour, whereas MIL thinks it means freely dishing out crap behaviour.

This is a watershed moment then.

As your DP is an only child, it's not like he's got oodles of birthdays to remember. It's time that they step up and take over buying gifts/cards for their mother.

Under no circumstances are you to feel guilty if your MiL gets nothing.

Just make it clear that they are now responsible for all gifts/cards for all celebrations from now on!

And find out who shot JFK and where the Lindbergh baby is 😆😆😆😆

Well done OP.

Is your DP aware of the list of criticisms she dishes out?

And does he clock the huge amount you have done for her visit ?

I would have a calm conversation about how you / HE manage this in future. I would want to know that he is prepared to have your back and stick up for you. Why isn’t he ‘fuming’ that his Mum has been on perma-criticism about his and your home / parenting etc?

She sounds unable to behave around you. Nasty. Glad she’s gone

He is aware of all of her criticisms and will quite often tell her to stop, but like me will also allow the criticisms to build up unchecked to keep the peace. Also, she’s more likely to strop off as a result of something I’ve said, perhaps because I’m not her daughter so usually I’m more careful to keep her on side.
He does not appreciate or understand the amount I do to keep her entertained. Literally every day (I’m on Easter holiday) I have taken her out, driven her to another city or an activity she’d like while he’s been working from home. He has more leave he can take but hasn’t. He chooses not to see that this isn’t fair. However, if I put my mind to it, I could talk him through what I’m not willing to do and he’d understand. He wouldn’t keep her occupied though, she’d just end up roving round the house and garden doing unsolicited housework and moaning.

A couple of people have mentioned her age and not being given a pass to be rude. I feel a bit of an epiphany about that. She has all of her faculties and knows how she should behave, just chooses to be rude. I think I’m therefore not going to make any judgement about how I proceed on the basis of her age, anymore

Good! I think theres an assumption that older people are "sweet" but people forget that assholes get old too and its likely that she probably wasnt a very pleasant person when she was young either. Its quite rare that people start off being really kind and empathic and then turn horrid when they hit 65 (barring any cognitive decline). I often hear older people talk about the decline of manners so its not as if older people are unaware of how to be polite- especially when you have helped her so much and opened up your home to host her.

You’ve totally summed up my MIL! I find myself now just avoiding seeing her, DH takes the kids up to see her so I only see her if she comes to us and she gives a good 5 insults every time. I find myself spending hours cleaning before she comes just to try and limit the comments she can make but she still comes up with something completely out the blue 🤦🏼‍♀️ They’re always so random that I’m never prepared enough to respond. I read on here before that you should say ‘is that right?’ every time and just keep saying the same thing

I know what you mean about not being prepared. There will always be something!

Some people just have no filter - they will say whatever they are thinking and don't even recognise how inappropriate their comments are, or think that they're overstepping other people's boundaries. They don't feel like they're being rude, because you are their kids they consider it okay to speak their minds freely.
But she's not your mum, so you shouldn't have to deal with her.
Make it very clear up your dp that the days of you entertaining her are over - if she stays again and is rude, you won't be smoothing things over, you won't be giving up your free time and it's on him to keep her company and run her all over the place. Make plans of your own and leave him to it if he insists she comes to stay.