Does anyone else have a difficult mother?

[Enfys1982]

I should start by saying my mum isn’t a bad person by any stretch of the imagination and I never really wanted for anything growing up. But she’s also very difficult. She’s very sensitive to any kind of criticism and will massively overreact react to any kind of perceived slight with bursts of anger, screaming, rage, sulks and silent treatment. She struggles to manage any kind of stress and doesn’t seem to understand that it’s a part of life for everyone at some time. She’s also very self absorbed and has with hindsight never really shown any interest in me. As a child I’d feel like I was walking on eggshells around her.

Ive recently been having therapy for depression and anxiety and I’ve realise everything wrong in my life seems to come from her and her parenting of me. Is anyone else in the same situation.

You are definitely not alone. I'm six months into therapy to help deal with the fallout from my mother's behaviour. I'm much more able to deal with it now and feel better than I've felt in 30 years. I hope you find it just as helpful. 😊

My mother is exactly the same. We let her get away with it for years and she's never going to change now.

You're not alone. Mine told me the other day that she used to hope my dads plane would crash while he was away on business trips so she wouldn't have to deal with a divorce.
For context they have been divorced 35 years and he has been dead for 3 of those.
Just one example of many!

Yes my mum hasn’t spoken to since Xmas

Yeah. Like you, not a bad person, loves me, never wanted for anything but SO sensitive to everything.
She's got extremely low self esteem to the point of almost being narcissistic - it's all about how everyone dislikes her, she's a victim etc. It's all very sad & I suspect it stems from her own mum.

The moods were intolerable for several years - sulking, frosty, sad - it was russian roulette who you'd get & I rarely knew what perceived crime I'd committed.
She's better now they have my children one day a week, but when that inevitably ends, I can see a return of the horrible moods.

If you have any top tips for dealing with it OP, I'd love to hear them!!

My mother told me I was being ridiculous for crying when my Dad died suddenly.
She was not a bad person. Just had no emotional intelligence.
When she died, I cried.

Yes. As above I didn’t want for anything. But she also spent my life (and still does) telling me how horrible I am. She’s never said she loves me. There’s a whole lot more, I find it very difficult to understand.

Yes. I'm struggling more so now than ever. I can never catch the right balance.

Like another poster above, a lot of it stems from a v difficult childhood so I am sympathetic. But lately my boundaries are being crossed and I've forgotten how to protect them.

My mum hasn't spoken to me since New Year when she had dinner at my house with family and criticised everything, as she usually does. She is enabled by my toxic brother. I visited in January twice -usual visits so she knew I was coming - and Toxic Tim took great delight in telling me she had been up but decided to go back to bed just before I arrived. So I stopped visiting. I've heard nothing since. My best friend died and I put it on the family WhatsApp as mum won't answer a phonecall. Nothing. No contact from either of them. Toxic Tim did turn up at the funeral which was at least something. There are years of nasty comments and cancelling arrangements so I'm done.

My mum is similar to a couple of the above posters' mothers. She's always been extremely moody. If she's in a good mood she is really nice to be with. However this is rare. Most of the time she obsesses about how she has been wronged in some way. She loses every friend she briefly starts to make, dislikes everyone except her grandchildren, and everything is everyone else's fault. Her parents, siblings, wider family, brief friends (they never last), me and my dad, have all treated her terribly apparently. She can't see the pattern of thought in her mind. I find it works well to try to disconnect as much as possible, which she hates. This then makes her moodier. She thinks and says some nasty shit too. She's a bitter old shrew and a real drain. She sits in her pyjamas watching telly most of the day, and did this when I was a teenager too. I don't even own pyjamas probably for this reason! I always hated it! I wish I could learn to not feel so angry with her. She's been really unkind too with a couple of small inheritances from her parents and one she was kind of meant to share with me, although that wasn't in the will but had been discussed with her siblings. So I wasn't owed anything, but I just don't think I would treat my children like that. I don't know how she could actually. She is incredibly selfish generally, and always puts herself first. So yeah, I need to be less angry. And she's said awful stuff about my parenting too. So yes a similar situation here too.

I recognise so many of the behaviours described here. My husband never seemed to understand my complex relationship with her but I have to have certain boundaries up

@Enfys1982 you're not my brother are you because that is literally the description of my mother (I jest but my DB was born in 1982 too!). Anyway I started my journey with this properly over COVID when I couldn't see her much and realised how much easier, less stressful and upsetting things were. I have put in some very clear boundaries with my mum (and dad for different reasons). I won't now really spend time with her on my own as I find I'm risking her behaving in those ways again, I always feel like I am navigating a minefield and never know when it may explode, sometimes things can be fine others she can explode and I end up feeling hurt again. For a while I had a separate SIM card so which I used at weekends and holidays so I knew I was safe from any ridiculous messages / hurtful comments. I don't find I need to use it now as the boundaries have meant I don't get the same responses as much anymore. When she messages horrible things I go grey rock now. My messages are just very surface, photos of DD, show some interest in what she is doing etc.

She is fine with my DD at the moment (I think she doesn't trigger her emotional disregulation and neediness in the way I do) maybe because she's only young. So I meet her need in that way by her seeing her monthly. The boundaries are working but I am doing more work with a counsellor because I do feel sad that we can't have a more normal loving relationship. We used to be quite close but it always had the potential to be toxic too, like one step wrong and it dissolved into her anger or silent treatment or the old we may as well never talk to each other again etc.
The lack of interest thing is interesting too, I have very similar, I realised she's only interested in me as much as I'm an extension of her. For example, at Christmas I told her I was applying for a new job (promotion/big deal), she still hasn't asked me about it (I got the job in Feb) and shows no interest. I have ended up not telling her because it just feels like she doesn't really care.

So anyway, yes I absolutely hear you and I think it's brilliant you are doing the work to help you heal from it.

Yes. Completely anecdotally but looking at my mum and my friend's parents I firmly believe that we did a right number on the post war generation - essentially a generation of kids being brought up by traumatised parents many of whom (especially the fathers) would've been suffering from undiagnosed ptsd.

Another one who suffered from an abusive narcissistic mother.

I left home as soon as I could and had minimum contact with her for years.

I also found that therapy helped me.

I don’t think I’ve ever related as much to a thread. One of my main memories as a child is desperately trying to decipher my mothers face from the school gates every day while she waited in the car for me to see whether it was stony or friendly. If it was a stony face, I knew I was in for hours or days of unknown duration of the silent treatment. It was so damaging and shattered my self esteem and made me very anxious. She would be chatty with other people and would simply stonewall me for no reason. I simply can’t imagine doing that to my children. Nowadays we have a superficially ok relationship but I’m walking on eggshells around her and I drive myself mad by still craving her approval. I find myself so happy when she’s in a good mood and we’re getting on. I have never wanted for anything material and when she’s in good humour, she’s fantastic. My focus is on trying to have a great relationship with my own children.

Mine is difficult. Very cold hearted. Always right. Very critical of me. Never been supportive. Have never felt loved by her. Throws money at everything. I’m a huge disappointment to her. Her grandchild loves her and tells her, mother squirms! Doesn’t know how to deal with it.

Yes I’d say our relationship is complex as well. She wants to be close to me and I think she thinks that we are, but she can’t connect with me on a deeper level and I can’t truly be myself around her if that makes sense? Our conversations are always very superficial and she won’t go deep, but at the same time I’m often her emotional sounding board and crutch and she moans and vents at me. This is very one sided though and she will shut me down immediately if I need to vent and let of steam. She has never once asked how I am or how my day has been or how I’m feeling. There is no interest whatsoever.

@ohfook yes my friends and I have had that conversation multiple times about the trauma of our parents in that post war era and the impact on their emotional well-being/emotional intelligence and consequently on their capacity to parent us safely.

Difficult might not be the word I would choose, but I guess it will do. We are estranged, and haven't had any contact since I was around 19 - I am 52 now. Things are definitely easier that way.

I have a very tricky relationship with mine but have really tight boundaries now. I used to love my long commute home from school as I dreaded the mood swings and angry behaviour she displayed daily. Calling me a drunk (I hadn’t drunk) or laughing telling me I was boring and other people thought I was boring and screaming so much that my father told me to go to university far away. I did that but silly me came back thirty mins from home but far enough I don’t have to be too involved in all the daily drama / she talks of suicide and is emotionally needy yet never gives any interest or support in my life.

but it doesn’t hurt me anymore

The post war thing is interesting. But then none of my friends mothers growing up were like her, her siblings aren’t like her either. For example I knew fairly early on that my mum wasn’t like the mums of my school peers. They could tell them anything but I couldn’t and knew that I couldn’t because she wasn’t interested and would shut me down.

@Enfys1982 just reading your comments to my DH as it is spookily similar to my experience too. I am lucky in that my DB and I can talk about it and it helps me to realise it's not about me and is very much centered on her. My greatest fear is that I replicate the relationship with my DD but I am doing a lot of work to try end ensure that doesn't happen. Alongside the impact of the relationship I have learnt some unhealthy coping mechanisms which I am trying to unlearn/unpack.

OP, it's interesting that your opening line in your post is all about defending her - how she's not a bad person and you never wanted for anything materially. Therapy will help you to focus more on you - your needs, what you did and didn't get from your mother, your feelings around all of that.

Mothers like yours (and mine) tend to be 'engulfing' - they can't really see you as a separate person in your own right, so see you as an extension of themselves. This seriously messes with your sense of self, and your ability to recognise your own needs and feelings. Therapy can help with healthy emotional separation from her, and can help you to unlock some of the difficult feelings you may have towards her. It can be a bloody painful process but it was the best thing I've ever done for myself. Good luck. As you can see, so many of us can relate to your situation

I think this is really common for the baby boomers, as they were raised by parents very traumatised from second world war experiences where the only 'treatment' was don't talk about it. But of course you can't lock down one emotion without locking everything down, so they raised children with no ability to feel and manage their own emotions.

A really useful book is Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Children by Lyndsey Gibson. Terrible title but fantastic content, and very practical advice on how to deal with parents in better ways than just cutting them off or continually arguing.