Does anyone else have a difficult mother?

[Enfys1982]

I should start by saying my mum isn’t a bad person by any stretch of the imagination and I never really wanted for anything growing up. But she’s also very difficult. She’s very sensitive to any kind of criticism and will massively overreact react to any kind of perceived slight with bursts of anger, screaming, rage, sulks and silent treatment. She struggles to manage any kind of stress and doesn’t seem to understand that it’s a part of life for everyone at some time. She’s also very self absorbed and has with hindsight never really shown any interest in me. As a child I’d feel like I was walking on eggshells around her.

Ive recently been having therapy for depression and anxiety and I’ve realise everything wrong in my life seems to come from her and her parenting of me. Is anyone else in the same situation.

I second the recommendation of this book! It is truly helpful - and shockingly, painfully, accurate. It is a literal must-buy.

I'd also add have a look into CPTSD - depending on how bad your childhood was, you may have it. Judith Herman's Trauma and Recovery is another must read. There is also a reddit board for it that has a load free resources.

I agree with the perspective that the boomer generation has huge unresolved issues from their own parental trauma. They may have all the money, but a good number of them are utterly unable to have any healthy emotional communication. Intergenerational trauma is a thing to look into too.

Oh and this might help -

Identifying your toxic family system..

As you've probably guessed I'm a little bit further down the road....

Yes, my mum is quite difficult. What my husband said, struck me the most. He said " I don't envy your mother"- from a person who had abusive mother, that made his childhood hell. He also sees how difficult and sometimes toxic she can get. Very moody, hold grudges easily, is only nice to friends and distant family and we have to live up to her expectations, otherwise she's not happy, cries etc. I will never forget when I bought wedding dress and I was eating a biscuit (that she put on the plate and asked everyone to help themselves) and told me "are you sure you want this biscuit? You don't want your dress to be altered to bigger size, do you?". I replied "watch your diet instead of mine" and she got so resentful, made a big drama, went to her bedroom for a few hours and delayed my sister's birthday celebration that day. Everyone was talking quietly, because mum was upset. It's been like this my whole life. Christmas, summer holidays, family trips etc. I rarely visit her. I miss my dad though, he's a nice man, but I can't stand my mum. I haven't seen them since September 2021.

Yep. All about her.
Childhood refrain was "Don't upset your mother ". No one was allowed feelings except her.

She reduced me to tears last time I was there with accusations of me having no empathy, she's so alone, has no support, I don't take her on holiday or do what the other families do...

She's a freaking nightmare. And apparently I'm her favourite and we are the closest. That's why she tells me I'm fat, my hair is thin, I look awful from behind etc!

Low contact and grey rock are your friends. Unfortunately mine is now elderly and needs a lot of support she refuses to organise, so I have to be more available than I'd prefer.

Another one here! Your post this morning @Enfys1982 really resonates with my situation.
She uses me as an emotional crutch and lists out her problems and if I ever talk about anything I have going on the only way she can support me is talk about something similar in her life...so not really supporting! My phone calls with her can last an hour and I will probably say about 10 words
She will never ever take responsibility or blame for anything that has gone wrong.
The latest phone call she moaned about how she's not see her DGC for ages on my DB side but she neglects the fact that his wife has fallen out with her because of my mothers stupid comments and suggestions when she was obviously going through PNT. I actually said to her this morning well you could always apologies, write her a letter and say you are sorry....she muttered a bit and then the conversation was swiftly changed!
I have read the aforementioned book and need to re read it and take some actions it really is difficult!

I did, but she could also be very good, so I do feel disloyal writing this, but she’s been gone for several years now.

She was hyper-sensitive, at least as far as she herself was concerned, and would take offence at the most minute thing, and then be in a ‘mood’ with a characteristic ‘face’ on - I’m sure others will know what I mean. It would make a horrible atmosphere in the house - as children we’d all creep around on nervous eggshells, all too aware of not upsetting Mummy any further. It could, and often did, go on for days at a time.

During one such episode, when I was maybe 12, I thought to please her by walking a couple of miles into town and spending my meagre pocket money on flowers (a very small bunch) for her.
When I tried to give them to her, she barely looked - just said grumpily, ‘I don’t want them.’

TBH I was much more angry than upset. I took them straight to our next door neighbours and pretended I’d bought them for their nice old granny.

Later my DM (probably after DF had had a go) asked me where they were.
I said, ‘You didn’t want them - I gave them to Mrs P!’

She was then cross about that - maybe thinking I’d shamed her by saying said I’d bought them for her but she hadn’t wanted them! (But I hadn’t.)
I’ve often wondered since how on earth she could have done such a thing (minor in the great scheme of things I know) - I could never, ever have behaved like that to dds.

She carried on with the mood and face well after I was grown up, but one day, after (again) such a pathetically minor thing that had triggered it, I finally really lost my rag, screamed at her - I was so sick of it, how she’d often made the atmosphere so miserable for us all, etc.

She (characteristically) became very tearful - as if it was all my fault for upsetting her (a common theme) but it evidently did hit home because it was ages before she ever did it again. TBH I don’t think it had ever occurred to her before how this pathetic moody sulking had affected the rest of us.

I totally get this! Mine used to scream at us if we made a card (due to her depression)
she’s now very very lonely and I’ve had episodes of no contact with her. My father enables her all of the time and asked me why I went Nc and I said out straight that I can’t cope with DM

he nodded and never asked me again (I do get on well with her at times but I don’t expect anything and I don’t feel sorry for her feeling lonely) she’s very angry and critical and spiteful and the impact on my life has been terrible.

Another thing she does is exaggerate health problems but refuses to do anything about them by going to see her GP. So she will moan constantly she’s tired, can’t sleep, has a bad back, a bad leg etc etc.

Do we share the same mother? I swear, I thought you are talking about mine 😐

Also, my mum was angry at us because me and my sister felt unwell after tea, we were both sick etc. (my dad used old oil for frying). My mum was shouting and fake crying that from now on only qualified chefs will be cooking for us if homemade food makes us so sick. Next day she apologised, but both me and my sis remember this very well. How can you blame child for food poisoning?

Mine has a lot of genuine issues and a few less genuine ones. She constantly seeks treatment- will have surgery etc- but doesn't like taking medication. So no antidepressants or anti anxiety meds, there's nothing wrong with her that wouldn't be fixed if we were just nicer to her. No pain meds, because the doctors should fix just her.

So back and forth she goes for ever more diagnoses.

Yes its draining. I find Im not sure what mood will be when I visit. I have tight boundaries and dont tell her much. We dont bring her away as too hard. We all get last minute deals lol. If people dont have difficult parents they dont understand. I got silent treatment alot if things not her way. My dad got it too

Same. It’s exhausting.
I’m in my 50s now and less open to it all but it has taken a toll on my life. Each decade I think I have coped with it, processed it, and put it behind me, only for deeper reflection to reveal another facet to me consciously.
It’s a lot because you sort of keep realising what you didn’t have, at all ages.
As a teenager I got to grips with the lack of a close supportive maternal relationship but now my son is a teenager I am grieving that he doesn’t have the grandmother I would want him to have.
I also understand those who have commented that it gets harder when you have your own children and think about things afresh - that I wouldn’t dream of saying to my child some of the things she’s said to me, it’s incomprehensible.
Yes she had a hard childhood. It’s not an excuse.

I relate so hard to this thread.
For the longest time I don’t think DH could understand why I got so tense in the build up to spending time with her - then one day she blew up at me in my own home over the silliest thing. Stomped outside to her car and just stayed there waiting g for my dad to eventually follow her.

He was so insistent that I apologised and I think during my childhood/teen years I might have done.

Unintentionally the family and relationship I have built with DH has shown me
how mentally unstable my mum can be!

So critical of other people, so keen to bitch about other people whilst having a pretty isolated life themselves.

100% thinks she’s my DCs favourite adult despite only seeing them once every few months.

Has expectations of things that their lifestyle makes impossible - that somehow turns into
my fault.

Sulks. Makes my sister depressed. Impossible to have an honest conversation with. I feel like I’m performing ‘daughter’ when I’m with them.

Wow. Long post, guess I needed to write that down!

But like others have said, on the surface everything is fine - I would struggle to explain the tension to say, a colleague. It’s a much deeper, less obvious conversation than that.

For eg, I actually got offered a new job today. I haven’t told my parents because I can’t be arsed to manage their expectations/deal with their feelings. I present things to them when they’re definite, I suppose to protect myself?

May I, on behalf of all the clueless people in the world, just say to you all...

"Ah, but you'll miss her when she's gone...!".

I'm sure I'm not alone in narrowing my eyes and taking a deep breath at that point!

Sounds like she has NPD . My mum is exactly the same x

My relationship with my Mum has always been slightly strained. I’ve tried and to outsiders it would appear we’re very close. However, she has now developed dementia and I’ve come to realise the emotional connection isn’t there and I have no wish to help care for her at all. In this day and age, things would be very different but when I was a kid, every 28 days she would become a screaming banshee who would threaten to leave. I assume I’ve disconnected emotionally because of that (as self preservation) and now in adulthood I can’t go back and fix it.

Thing is, people with NPD don't go seeking a diagnosis, because obviously there's nothing wrong with them, it's everyone else that's the issue...

They are always right. Yes its hard going. I limit my visits now. What age is she op.

Not my mum but my husband has a very complicated relationship with his mum.
Everything is focused on her no consideration for anyone else's feelings or concerned any attempt to raise it she becomes the victim straight away.

My DH has to gear up to even calling her (we live 500+miles away thankfully). Visits are strained but we don't stay with her as my DH can't take it. That apparently is my fault (despite her having a worse relationship with her DD who lives 1 hour away....)

It's tiring and draining for DH, SIL and I we only keep in contact to keep the peace as family starts piling on otherwise!

Mostly estranged and so much better for it

She’s vile
We unfortunately had to be in contact as DF died, and her first words were not condolences, asking about me or my DC, but about money & who she didn’t want her long divorced exDHs money to go to.

Charming and classy as ever

Congrats on your new job Thursday 💐

so much is resonating here with you all