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Wondering if my quiet life will affect my social skills...

47 replies

AreYouHavingAGiraffeNoItsACamel · 12/04/2023 15:52

I spend an absolute shit ton of time alone. I'm very introverted, I love my own company and I am single (after a series of one blow after another I have decided to remain so - I'm generally fine with this). No kids, they're not for me. Over the past few years I've gone through several painful experiences that have pushed me to the brink and today although I have some horrible memories I'm more often feeling contentment than not. I have a lovely little house that I've done up beautifully and I am - touch wood - quite financially secure. A good job. Very small family, two fantastic parents and a couple of other relatives. I do have a couple of handfuls of good friends but I live a bit further away than most of them and only really see any of them once every couple of months. For a walk, a coffee or sometimes a night on the old vodka and limes.

The thing I've noticed, whenever I do mix with people I notice I have very little to say compared to everyone else and I know this is because my life isn't as bulked up with people as much as theirs is. I tend to listen more than talk, or I'll give advice when asked. They all have spouses, siblings, nieces and nephews, adult and young kids etc etc. There's always something going on although in fairness most of it seems to be a load of drama and bullshit that I wouldn't want to be coping with anyway. I try to live my life very peacefully and quietly and after having my own dramas I'm just happy and grateful to mainly keep to myself these days. I do socialise sometimes as I say, but my general hobbies are mainly things I do on my own. Long walks, hiking (I live in quite a green area) open water swimming, a day out shopping or reading a gripping thriller at home etc. I try to cook a new recipe once per week. I jump on the train every so often and potter around markets in London. I'm applying for an allotment. There aren't many group things where I live but I don't want to move.

If I was at a party for instance and someone asked me for my opinion on something, say something in the news or thoughts about life in general I'll talk for hours... but if my phone rings randomly for one of those catch up calls I dread it because I know they'll ask me that awful on the spot question that I struggle to answer with any real glitter or feel embarrassed about because I'm actually such a fucking loner...

"What have you been up to then?" Agggh!! Fuck me. I make Tom Hanks in Castaway look like King Social. I'm just a bit concerned that with the path I'm on whilst everyone else has loads going on I'll basically eventually have fuck all to say to anyone...

OP posts:
Facem81 · 12/04/2023 15:56

There's always something going on although in fairness most of it seems to be a load of drama and bullshit that I wouldn't want to be coping with anyway

if that’s the case Op… you haven’t exactly got a family that I’d want to engage with or worry about my social skills.

Facem81 · 12/04/2023 15:58

Do you WFH?

Facem81 · 12/04/2023 16:00

Oh sorry all this drama and bullshit

is not from family but from…. Who exactly?

AreYouHavingAGiraffeNoItsACamel · 12/04/2023 16:02

No I work outside of my home - I'm not knocking my friends at all they are good people and I care about them. I'm just observing that from what I see the more people you have in your life the more drama you can possibly encounter. But I'm much too far the other way and I worry that if I become much more introverted than I already am I'll lose the skills to maintain (other than my parents) human connections at all.

OP posts:
Colinthedaxi · 12/04/2023 16:04

Other than the fact I have a husband our lives sound very similar. I have good friends who are incredibly driven and busy, while I admire them I certainly don’t want to be them! I get your comment about drama, they will often poke a bear I’d of left sleeping 🤣 I don’t think you should worry too much, enjoy the simple life 😁

Facem81 · 12/04/2023 16:04

Who are these people opening up to you about their bull shit and drama if you have such limited interaction with otherwise aside from your parents and a couple of good friends

AreYouHavingAGiraffeNoItsACamel · 12/04/2023 16:05

Facem81 · 12/04/2023 16:04

Who are these people opening up to you about their bull shit and drama if you have such limited interaction with otherwise aside from your parents and a couple of good friends

Not a couple of friends - a couple of handfuls of good friends

OP posts:
Facem81 · 12/04/2023 16:06

I'm just observing that from what I see the more people you have in your life the more drama you can possibly encounter.

well of course that’s a liklihood as more people so…

but conversely… more chance for love, laugh, fun, and intimacy

Facem81 · 12/04/2023 16:07

AreYouHavingAGiraffeNoItsACamel · 12/04/2023 16:05

Not a couple of friends - a couple of handfuls of good friends

So this “handful” of close friends

their the ones confiding in you about all their “bullshit and drama”?

Luckydip1 · 12/04/2023 16:08

It sounds like you have a great life, I wouldn't worry about what other people think or say, they are probably jealous!

Facem81 · 12/04/2023 16:10

Luckydip1 · 12/04/2023 16:08

It sounds like you have a great life, I wouldn't worry about what other people think or say, they are probably jealous!

No one says anything bad to the op

they ask what she’s been up to

and she doesn’t like it

Kanaloa · 12/04/2023 16:14

To be honest I usually find when someone says ‘what have you been up to then’ they don’t really want a ‘here’s what you missed on the last episode.’ They want you to say ‘same old same’ or ‘nothing special’ or ‘oh you know, the usual.’ Hardly anybody actually wants a run down of how you’ve been open water swimming and cooked ravioli last week.

Luckydip1 · 12/04/2023 16:14

@Facem81 yes, but she dreads what people will say to her.....

Hazelnuttella · 12/04/2023 16:14

It sounds like you have a very nice interesting life!

I think it’s less about your life, and more about how much you like to talk about yourself. I can never think of anything interesting to say either. I doubt anyone is fascinated by hearing about what my toddler has been up to. But some people are happy to witter on about the most minute detail of their lives.

If you do get an allotment that will probably be an opportunity to chat to some new people.

AreYouHavingAGiraffeNoItsACamel · 12/04/2023 16:16

Facem81 · 12/04/2023 16:10

No one says anything bad to the op

they ask what she’s been up to

and she doesn’t like it

It's just I feel on the spot and panicky. So many people I know would say they've been busy with their kids. So and so has started university, so and so has gotten engaged and yes often it's negative things like a family fued or a shit boyfriend or someone traipsing down to the school because someone's being bullied or whatever. But mainly things that are based on their having strong connections with human beings. Me? I just go for a walk and appreciate trees!

OP posts:
Facem81 · 12/04/2023 16:17

Luckydip1 · 12/04/2023 16:14

@Facem81 yes, but she dreads what people will say to her.....

But it would seem that she doesn’t list any examples of what people have actually said to her.

Kanaloa · 12/04/2023 16:18

And to me this thread comes across a bit like you think you’re above all the rest of it type of thing. Oh others just have bullshit and drama while I’m lifting the studio Ghibli dream. I could talk for hours about my opinions on the news but small talk just escapes me. If you don’t have drama that’s great - it isn’t an issue. If someone asks what you’ve been up to either say ‘nothing exciting’ or tell them you’ve been doing all the wonderful things you do. Oh I’m up to London next week, thinking what to eat there. Oh just need to pick up a new costume as I’m off open water swimming again on Saturday. I’m just waiting for my allotment application, been looking up all sorts of ideas.

Facem81 · 12/04/2023 16:18

AreYouHavingAGiraffeNoItsACamel · 12/04/2023 16:16

It's just I feel on the spot and panicky. So many people I know would say they've been busy with their kids. So and so has started university, so and so has gotten engaged and yes often it's negative things like a family fued or a shit boyfriend or someone traipsing down to the school because someone's being bullied or whatever. But mainly things that are based on their having strong connections with human beings. Me? I just go for a walk and appreciate trees!

Ok so you feel awkward but no one actually says anything to you?

and the “bull shit and drama” is this from close friends?

AreYouHavingAGiraffeNoItsACamel · 12/04/2023 16:19

Kanaloa · 12/04/2023 16:18

And to me this thread comes across a bit like you think you’re above all the rest of it type of thing. Oh others just have bullshit and drama while I’m lifting the studio Ghibli dream. I could talk for hours about my opinions on the news but small talk just escapes me. If you don’t have drama that’s great - it isn’t an issue. If someone asks what you’ve been up to either say ‘nothing exciting’ or tell them you’ve been doing all the wonderful things you do. Oh I’m up to London next week, thinking what to eat there. Oh just need to pick up a new costume as I’m off open water swimming again on Saturday. I’m just waiting for my allotment application, been looking up all sorts of ideas.

I am absolutely not above anyone and really don't think I am, fucking trust me. Quite the opposite!

OP posts:
Facem81 · 12/04/2023 16:19

Kanaloa · 12/04/2023 16:18

And to me this thread comes across a bit like you think you’re above all the rest of it type of thing. Oh others just have bullshit and drama while I’m lifting the studio Ghibli dream. I could talk for hours about my opinions on the news but small talk just escapes me. If you don’t have drama that’s great - it isn’t an issue. If someone asks what you’ve been up to either say ‘nothing exciting’ or tell them you’ve been doing all the wonderful things you do. Oh I’m up to London next week, thinking what to eat there. Oh just need to pick up a new costume as I’m off open water swimming again on Saturday. I’m just waiting for my allotment application, been looking up all sorts of ideas.

Agreed

its an odd one

because no one seems to be criticising the Op

but she sure as heck does “their bill shit and drama” 🤔

Facem81 · 12/04/2023 16:20

I am absolutely not above anyone and really don't think I am, fucking trust me. Quite the opposite!

i disagree. You don’t have “bull shit and drama” in your life.

Others do

DorritLittle · 12/04/2023 16:21

I never have anything to say in social situation either OP. I usually just talk shit. And I have kids. The things you do sounds really interesting to me. I’d be asking you what walks to have done and what crime novels you have read but I like but I like that sort of thing too!

Kanaloa · 12/04/2023 16:21

AreYouHavingAGiraffeNoItsACamel · 12/04/2023 16:19

I am absolutely not above anyone and really don't think I am, fucking trust me. Quite the opposite!

Right, well maybe you can just answer the question they ask then? You don’t seem to have an issue with listing all the things you’ve been up to in your op, so why is it an issue to do so when asked by your ‘bullshit and drama’ loving friends?

evtheria · 12/04/2023 16:25

Just say "oh, my usual" and mention what you've done that week or day - the latest recipe you've tried/how it went, how much you enjoyed your last swim (or what you saw while there), a great or awful book you finished, etc.

I'd find that interesting for updates as a friend, and since you don't seem to chat with them all the time it wouldn't be too same-same. And if they do happen to find it dull they'll probably not ask next time!

hattie43 · 12/04/2023 16:26

I think you have a very fulfilling life , full of hobbies , interests , activities , small number of connections but important ones . When I think of the zillions of people who live in front of the telly or those with chaotic lives I think you've created a life of harmony for yourself . Your home is your sanctuary and it suits you . That is all that's needed .