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Wondering if my quiet life will affect my social skills...

47 replies

AreYouHavingAGiraffeNoItsACamel · 12/04/2023 15:52

I spend an absolute shit ton of time alone. I'm very introverted, I love my own company and I am single (after a series of one blow after another I have decided to remain so - I'm generally fine with this). No kids, they're not for me. Over the past few years I've gone through several painful experiences that have pushed me to the brink and today although I have some horrible memories I'm more often feeling contentment than not. I have a lovely little house that I've done up beautifully and I am - touch wood - quite financially secure. A good job. Very small family, two fantastic parents and a couple of other relatives. I do have a couple of handfuls of good friends but I live a bit further away than most of them and only really see any of them once every couple of months. For a walk, a coffee or sometimes a night on the old vodka and limes.

The thing I've noticed, whenever I do mix with people I notice I have very little to say compared to everyone else and I know this is because my life isn't as bulked up with people as much as theirs is. I tend to listen more than talk, or I'll give advice when asked. They all have spouses, siblings, nieces and nephews, adult and young kids etc etc. There's always something going on although in fairness most of it seems to be a load of drama and bullshit that I wouldn't want to be coping with anyway. I try to live my life very peacefully and quietly and after having my own dramas I'm just happy and grateful to mainly keep to myself these days. I do socialise sometimes as I say, but my general hobbies are mainly things I do on my own. Long walks, hiking (I live in quite a green area) open water swimming, a day out shopping or reading a gripping thriller at home etc. I try to cook a new recipe once per week. I jump on the train every so often and potter around markets in London. I'm applying for an allotment. There aren't many group things where I live but I don't want to move.

If I was at a party for instance and someone asked me for my opinion on something, say something in the news or thoughts about life in general I'll talk for hours... but if my phone rings randomly for one of those catch up calls I dread it because I know they'll ask me that awful on the spot question that I struggle to answer with any real glitter or feel embarrassed about because I'm actually such a fucking loner...

"What have you been up to then?" Agggh!! Fuck me. I make Tom Hanks in Castaway look like King Social. I'm just a bit concerned that with the path I'm on whilst everyone else has loads going on I'll basically eventually have fuck all to say to anyone...

OP posts:
GulfCoastBeachGirl · 12/04/2023 16:28

It sounds like you've built yourself a really lovely life that suits you. My observation has been that most people mainly like to talk about themselves. When the "what have you been up to?" question pops up you can give a brief answer then ask them the same and the rest of the conversation will take care of itself😀

There's a difference between being a "loner" and being isolated. As you age it's easy for the former to cross the line into the latter. Just something to be aware of down the road.

oachkatzl · 12/04/2023 16:49

What have you been up to then?

Why is this a problem? Just say
"Went for a hike up x mountain at the weekend - gorgeous weather. Had a swim in x lake last night"
I don't get why it's a problem. I have a similar kind of life and people ask me all the time - though most people know I hike all the time so they'll ask "Where have you been hiking this Spring?" or similar.
Or if you're talking to someone who likes books say you read such and such a book and ask them if they've read it and you can say whether you think they would enjoy it or not.

AreYouHavingAGiraffeNoItsACamel · 12/04/2023 16:54

oachkatzl · 12/04/2023 16:49

What have you been up to then?

Why is this a problem? Just say
"Went for a hike up x mountain at the weekend - gorgeous weather. Had a swim in x lake last night"
I don't get why it's a problem. I have a similar kind of life and people ask me all the time - though most people know I hike all the time so they'll ask "Where have you been hiking this Spring?" or similar.
Or if you're talking to someone who likes books say you read such and such a book and ask them if they've read it and you can say whether you think they would enjoy it or not.

Isn't it obvious where my awkwardness lies? They can ask that. I'll answer it. Then comes the next question...

... "who with?"

OP posts:
GulfCoastBeachGirl · 12/04/2023 17:03

*Isn't it obvious where my awkwardness lies? They can ask that. I'll answer it. Then comes the next question...

... "who with?"*

I don't understand. You are self-confessed loner who is content with her life. What's wrong with answering " on my own"?

Are you afraid of being judged? Does it really matter what others think of your life choices?

Facem81 · 12/04/2023 17:03

This is an odd thread

LetsPlayShadowlands · 12/04/2023 17:05

Facem81 · 12/04/2023 16:19

Agreed

its an odd one

because no one seems to be criticising the Op

but she sure as heck does “their bill shit and drama” 🤔

Fuckin he'll you're hard work aren't you. But I suppose that's what you're here for. You carry on.

oachkatzl · 12/04/2023 17:06

AreYouHavingAGiraffeNoItsACamel · 12/04/2023 16:54

Isn't it obvious where my awkwardness lies? They can ask that. I'll answer it. Then comes the next question...

... "who with?"

Wasn't obvious to me at all.
I also go hiking on my own. So what?
Someone asks "who with?". Say "on my own".
There's nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. You should be proud of it - getting out there and doing stuff on your own. There are plenty of people who are too afraid to go hiking on there own.

You say you are a loner, introverted and love your own company. Embrace it. Be proud of it. If others don't like it they can jog on.

Kanaloa · 12/04/2023 17:07

AreYouHavingAGiraffeNoItsACamel · 12/04/2023 16:54

Isn't it obvious where my awkwardness lies? They can ask that. I'll answer it. Then comes the next question...

... "who with?"

Some answers to ‘who with.’

Just me! It’s quite safe to hike alone round where I am.
By myself. I’m quite a strong swimmer so I feel pretty confident on my own.

Or (and I think this might be the best one).

I was alone, I don’t want to be involved in the bullshit and drama YOU are always involved in.

Kanaloa · 12/04/2023 17:09

Like I genuinely do not see the issue here. You live a mainly isolated life doing solo activities, and yet you also have a handful of close friends who regularly contact you. These friends are full of bullshit and drama and you worry they may ask what you’ve been up to, forcing you to talk about your idyllic lifestyle? There isn’t a big problem as far as I can see. If you want to be with others more then make plans with one of the people who calls you. Do you want to be with others more?

FrownedUpon · 12/04/2023 17:11

Facem81 · 12/04/2023 17:03

This is an odd thread

Your posts are odd. You seem to misunderstand the issue.

soberfabulous · 12/04/2023 17:11

Your life sounds lovely. I crave time alone.

Facem81 · 12/04/2023 17:12

Kanaloa · 12/04/2023 17:09

Like I genuinely do not see the issue here. You live a mainly isolated life doing solo activities, and yet you also have a handful of close friends who regularly contact you. These friends are full of bullshit and drama and you worry they may ask what you’ve been up to, forcing you to talk about your idyllic lifestyle? There isn’t a big problem as far as I can see. If you want to be with others more then make plans with one of the people who calls you. Do you want to be with others more?

We see this situation exactly the same

FrownedUpon · 12/04/2023 17:13

Your life sounds great OP. Do what makes you happy. It’s not as though you have no friends or family to spend time with. I prefer time alone as well, away from the drama of other peoples lives. They can be exhausting.

Jellycats4life · 12/04/2023 17:25

I understand your standpoint completely, and it sounds like you’ve curated a life for yourself that works for you, and you really understand what makes you tick.

Have you ever thought you might be autistic? I’ve just been diagnosed at 42 so I know female autistic traits when I see them.

Hazelnuttella · 12/04/2023 17:38

I really admire you OP. I wouldn’t go out and do fun activities on my own. Nothing stopping me, I just wouldn’t.

It seems like you’re worried your friends will pity you for doing things alone? I didn’t think they will, they’ll probably be envious that you make the effort for yourself.

AreYouHavingAGiraffeNoItsACamel · 12/04/2023 17:46

Jellycats4life · 12/04/2023 17:25

I understand your standpoint completely, and it sounds like you’ve curated a life for yourself that works for you, and you really understand what makes you tick.

Have you ever thought you might be autistic? I’ve just been diagnosed at 42 so I know female autistic traits when I see them.

I absolutely 100% believe I am autistic

OP posts:
CatherineCawoodsScarf · 12/04/2023 18:18

I know where you’re coming from OP. I’m childfree and with friends with kids there’s endless conversation to be generated about kids - what they’re doing, funny stories, whose birthday party they’ve been to etc and I don’t feel I have much to say when they ask what I’ve been up to. I’m also bad at spinning what I do have to say into interesting stuff - eg other people explain about building work etc but I panic being put on the spot and be like “yes I had an extension built” and end it there Grin

AreYouHavingAGiraffeNoItsACamel · 12/04/2023 18:30

CatherineCawoodsScarf · 12/04/2023 18:18

I know where you’re coming from OP. I’m childfree and with friends with kids there’s endless conversation to be generated about kids - what they’re doing, funny stories, whose birthday party they’ve been to etc and I don’t feel I have much to say when they ask what I’ve been up to. I’m also bad at spinning what I do have to say into interesting stuff - eg other people explain about building work etc but I panic being put on the spot and be like “yes I had an extension built” and end it there Grin

Exactly. Thank you. I can talk about what I've done but fuck me it's gonna be a short conversation.

Where'd you go?
The forest

What was it like?
Peaceful

What will you grow in your allotment?
Carrots

Cool. What colour are they?
Orange

So what you up to tomorrow?
Walking in a forest

Oh how exciting. What's there?
Trees

Oh. What you having for dinner?
Carrots

Nobody dances at weddings in my world!

OP posts:
CatherineCawoodsScarf · 12/04/2023 18:46

Grin OP

I think you just have to try not give one word answers and try to give an angle - whether it’s I love seeing particular trees or I like to measure my steps, just to pad things out a bit? And then ask a reciprocal question. And try not to judge yourself too harshly.

Is there anything you would like to join that has a little more of a social side?

Jellycats4life · 12/04/2023 18:55

AreYouHavingAGiraffeNoItsACamel · 12/04/2023 17:46

I absolutely 100% believe I am autistic

Well there you go! That’s great.

In which case, now you can start forgiving yourself for feeling like a weirdo, being socially awkward and shit at small talk. Not worrying about what people think of your solitary pursuits. Just… fuck it all off.

I can’t tell you how freeing it was when I finally understood that I wasn’t a failed adult, but a really normal autistic adult.

BirdChirp · 12/04/2023 20:02

We have very similar lives OP. I love the weekend stretching out with just doing my own things, alone. Though I do like to do something social maybe every month or so. I do feel self-conscious when it's evident to others I have spent days on end on my own, it feels much better when I can relate that I have been somewhere with someone else.

Entirely my own issue, I know I should just own it, but find it hard.

seekingasimplelife · 12/04/2023 20:26

It sounds like your meetups are making you feel awkward and anxious and leading you to lose confidence and hyper self-aware of conversation skills.

Your friends seem like kind people but their lives are on a different path. This inevitably means you have less in common, so conversation and making a connection takes a little more effort and thought. If you're an introvert, you likely need a little more thinking time in the moment to process and formulate what you want to say, and that's difficult if you feel anxious about it.

If you find small talk tricky, there are few things that might help:
Firstly, it's important to recognise that small talk plays a crucial role in human interaction. Introverts are deep thinkers, and sometimes small talk can sound very trivial. Think of it as a chance to make a quick connection with someone, the opportunity to know something about them, a sort of verbal smile or handshake, which can develop into a deeper and more meaningful conversations over time. The actual words matters less than the intent, tone and effort. People like to feel heard, acknowledged and understood.

Secondly, understand that it's a skill that can be learned! It bears very little relation to whether there's any drama or action going on in your life. It seems counter-intuitive, but it is so.
Like any skill it needs a bit of research and practise, if it isn't something you're naturally good at. So practise - a lot. Practise small talk out and about where it doesn't really matter if it's a bit sketchy... at the supermarket checkout with the store assistant. Practise with the receptionist when you have an appointment somewhere, practise in your quiet neighbourhood when you're out on your walks.
Set yourself a target of trying out some small talk every day if you can - even if its just a 'Good morning' and a comment about the weather. It will reduce your self consciousness and anxiety around it over time, even it feels very unnatural and forced at first, and it will build up your confidence as well as your skills.

Thirdly, prepare a little. If phone conversations seem tricky, then keep a notepad handy and when you think of something interesting to talk about or that you've been doing, write it down. So, if you went to the forest, jot it down in the centre of a page and make a little mind map (I think they might be called spiderweb diagrams now) of how you might develop and extend the conversation. When someone phones you'll have a notebook of prompts to try out.

Fourthly, think of small talk as a fishing analogy. Someone starts a conversation with a question, and it's like they're throwing you a line with some tasty bait on it to hook you in. If you just give a one word reply, you've only just nibbled it and not let them to reel you in. Take their bait and swim towards them by giving a bit more of yourself in the conversation as far as you can. When you've done that, then it's your turn to throw a baited hook... what question, comment or compliment might entice them to swim/chat to you about themselves?

If you know you're going to meet up with someone specific, you can also make a few notes in the days/weeks beforehand to help with this - something about them you remember from your last conversation perhaps - about their family, their hobbies, job, home, holidays. After your meetups, write anything significant happening to your friends in your calendar so you can look back on ideas before the next time, Practise using these notes as a prompt to throw little conversation hooks to reel them in, and listen out for when they are doing the same thing to you.

Sorry, long post - hope it might be a little bit helpful!

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