Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

DILEMMA: Would you ask your school bully why they did it?

34 replies

DeeplyMovingExperience · 12/04/2023 10:33

I'm 60, so it's 45 years since a girl at school just one day decided to beat shit out of me. She faced no consequences. The impact on me was huge.

Something totally random popped up on my FB yesterday (I'm not a big FB user) and lo and behold, there she was, tagged in a photograph. It is unmistakably her. Her account is not private, so I could easily send her a message.

I'm a very happy person with a lovely family and have lead a successful and fulfilling life, so it's not as though I've sat around stewing for years. I wish her no malice or anything but I really really want to ask her why she did it.

If you were in my position, what would you do?

OP posts:
iwannascream · 12/04/2023 10:44

Nothing it was 45 years ago. The only thing you will achieve from this is more anger as i'm guessing she won't remember and this will annoy you even more as for you it was a horrible memory.

If you do message her and she does remember and says she is sorry and has no idea why she did what she did how will that make you feel ?

The best thing you can do is just scroll past the image and leave the past in the past where it belongs.

popcornfrenzy · 12/04/2023 10:49

I would write her a really long message detailing everything, read it through and then delete it and get on with my life.

x2boys · 12/04/2023 10:49

Nothing it was as 45 years ago ,what can come of it now?

Jonei · 12/04/2023 10:50

I'd probably just block her tbh.

PricklyFoot · 12/04/2023 10:51

What do you want to learn from it?

In all liklihood she doesn't even remember and/or was going through stuff that makes the attack on you seem insignificant.

MoongazyHare · 12/04/2023 10:52

I always thought I would like to, but having seen her since (30 years later) she’s not changed a bit, so I don’t expect her to have gained any insight at all into her behaviour. However, knowing what I know, she was acting out her own misery on other people, and now I just pity her that she couldn’t put her energy into something positive. She still can’t stand not being the cleverest person in the room, or the most successful. There’s no cure for that by the time you’re in your forties.

SemperIdem · 12/04/2023 10:52

Honestly I wouldn’t. I can understand why you’re tempted but I don’t think any good will come of it.

JimmyDurham · 12/04/2023 10:54

No, I would not.

Skybluepinky · 12/04/2023 11:04

No, life moves on, I doubt she has given u a second thought.

ChateauMargaux · 12/04/2023 11:09

I think if you feel it would allow you to move on, I would write a victim statement and send ot to her. It is possible she won't see it as you are not connected on Facebook, she won't reply or she will block you but you might have the opportunity to make her consoder the consequences of her actions.

Equally, you can write the letter and burn it... let the universe deliver the message.

WandaWonder · 12/04/2023 11:11

No because they probably wouldn't remember, then what?

Trinityloop · 12/04/2023 11:13

Absolutely not.

You are opening yourself back up to her hurt again.
The way that bullying, or bitchy people work is on a power dynamic, they start a game where they have the power to make you feel small by damaging your self esteem, having lots of people involved or by using you to make themselves look better/ solidify social status.

Often we get caught up in "winning" against the bad guy, but by re engaging all it does is give the power again. You have to not play the game.

People try to think up witty responses, do something like parade a hot new boyfriend in front of an old one, or send an email like this, what you are actually saying is that you care what they think, and how you feel about yourself, and your life is dependent on how they respond.

This bully might apologise of course and that could be healing

However they also might not remember you at all, have a completely different memory of events, tell you that your wrong or possibly even more damaging... just not reply. All these things could make you feel bad all over again

You have to move on and not give them that control of your emotions again

Hoppinggreen · 12/04/2023 11:15

No,I know why my bullies did it. They had awful things happening at home.
I don’t care though, I still hate them over 40 years later and will never forgive them

Lovegossip · 12/04/2023 11:21

No

Don't let them play rent in your head

ditalini · 12/04/2023 11:21

I DID ask my bully why she was doing it - literally as she had me in a headlock. She told me to fuck off and punched me in the face.

Anyhoo, my cod psychology theory is that because I'd embarrassed her in front of her friends on one occasion (by not doing the unreasonable thing she asked me to do while she was showing off how hard she was), she felt she'd lost the one bit of control that she had in her otherwise chaotic life and that made her very, very angry. She obviously wasn't able to articulate that though.

I honestly don't care why really. What she did was unbelievably shitty and affected me for a long time. I wouldn't piss on her if she was on fire.

Your bully will also very likely not be able to articulate the "why" in a way that will be satisfying to you. Either because she's incapable of introspection, or she's in denial, or she's a liar, or she's forgotten (and that can hurt, to realise something that was huge to you is completely insignificant to her). So I wouldn't bother if I were you.

HoppingPavlova · 12/04/2023 11:52

I had a bully at school who utterly tortured me for two years aged 9-11. Just as they were about to leave primary to go to high school they had a talk with me to say how super impressed they were that with everything they did to me I never once squealed on them, and I had their respect and they wouldn’t be bothering me again. Bizarre. Given their dad was in jail and half of their siblings were either in jail or juvenile detention, I did actually believe them when they said they would kill me if I did squeal, hence I didn’t and suffered through.

Four years later they died in a car crash with some of their other siblings. Stolen car, alcohol involved, driven recklessly etc. They were 16yo. I wasn’t sad when I heard and the world was no worse off frankly.

Original poster
DeeplyMovingExperience · 12/04/2023 12:14

Moreover, after the event, I was forced to "make friends" with her by the headmistress, including being invited to each other's homes!!! She was fucking awful and I have no memory of how that was allowed to happen.

She was also pig ugly and from the photographs I see nothing's changed there either.

@ditalini That's a helpful perspective.

OP posts:
PJRules · 12/04/2023 12:17

There is a fair chance she won't even remember who you are, how would that make you feel?

Think of the worst possible reason ABOUT HER as to why she did it eg she was abused herself, serious mental health issues, etc. Then try to move on.

It was almost certainly nothing to do with you ❤️

CindersAgain · 12/04/2023 12:24

I would worry that you’re letting her know how important to you it was.

AngelDelightUK · 12/04/2023 12:27

I had a therapist tell me to do this once so I did. The lady in question couldn’t even remember me, let alone doing what she did to me. Then she got abusive and blocked me.

It did me no good whatsoever and I regret it so much. When I then told my therapist she said that it showed I should give it no more thought either. It seriously affected me though and still does. I can still hear her saying to her sister “wouldn’t you just kill yourself if you were that ugly”

Original poster
DeeplyMovingExperience · 12/04/2023 18:46

The thing is, I am absolutely certain that she would remember. She seemed to be a bit obsessed with me.

I remember going to her house. All perfectly normal. Mum made tea. Nothing remarkable about any of it.

I just genuinely would like to know WTF she was thinking. We were young, but not that young. Fifteen is definitely within age-of-reason realms.

And whatever the response (even no response), won't make any difference to me. I'm just curious. It was a vicious attack that left me seriously injured.

OP posts:
x2boys · 12/04/2023 20:21

DeeplyMovingExperience · 12/04/2023 18:46

The thing is, I am absolutely certain that she would remember. She seemed to be a bit obsessed with me.

I remember going to her house. All perfectly normal. Mum made tea. Nothing remarkable about any of it.

I just genuinely would like to know WTF she was thinking. We were young, but not that young. Fifteen is definitely within age-of-reason realms.

And whatever the response (even no response), won't make any difference to me. I'm just curious. It was a vicious attack that left me seriously injured.

She might well.remember but given it was 45 years ago what response would you expect ,?
She quite possibly regrets her actions ,I'm. Nearly 50 and most people I went to.school with have turned out to.be reasonable adults according to.social.media at least even those who were unpleasant at school.granted I whilst not very popular was never really bullied even if she doesn't regret her actions or remember them what good is there bringing it up now ?

Original poster
DeeplyMovingExperience · 12/04/2023 20:37

I wouldn't necessarily expect a response, but equally I would genuinely be interested to hear anything she has to say. I also want her to know that the consequences of the attack had a huge effect. I think she should know that.

OP posts:
custardbear · 12/04/2023 20:43

I'd just leave it too. Look at her profile and posts and realise you're in a different place to her now. Bullies often continue to bully, playground behaviours rarely change, and if you approach her and she gets nasty, she'll get too far in your head and screw up your now-life. Honestly, be happy with your life and pick up any negatives in her life that helps you to move on.

Luredbyapomegranate · 12/04/2023 20:44

popcornfrenzy · 12/04/2023 10:49

I would write her a really long message detailing everything, read it through and then delete it and get on with my life.

This exactly

or print and burn if you need to make it a moment

then mute her