DILEMMA: Would you ask your school bully why they did it?

[DeeplyMovingExperience]

I'm 60, so it's 45 years since a girl at school just one day decided to beat shit out of me. She faced no consequences. The impact on me was huge.

Something totally random popped up on my FB yesterday (I'm not a big FB user) and lo and behold, there she was, tagged in a photograph. It is unmistakably her. Her account is not private, so I could easily send her a message.

I'm a very happy person with a lovely family and have lead a successful and fulfilling life, so it's not as though I've sat around stewing for years. I wish her no malice or anything but I really really want to ask her why she did it.

If you were in my position, what would you do?

She's not in my SM feed or anything. It was a totally random coincidence because her name is different now. I'm generally a pretty chilled-out person so I've surprised myself at this burning desire to send her what amounts to a letter.

You want to give your bully the satisfaction of knowing what she did to you 45 years ago still affects you now? Like hell would be giving my bully that power. I would go into my settings and block her. Then d never have to see her face again.

I was bullied at school (from 14 - 17 years) because I had a facial deformity. It couldn't be operated on until I had stopped growing.
I went away to Uni, graduated, had facial surgery and then moved back to my hometown.
Imagine my surprise one day when I went into a coffee bar in town and saw 2 of these girls in there.
I deliberately went and sat near them to eavesdrop on them moaning about anything and everything. They were not happy bunnies.
When they left they walked right past me without a flicker of recognition.

Let it go OP, "what goes around, comes around", as they say.

There can't have been any reason connected to your behaviour that made this justifiable, so you have nothing to gain by asking her.

There could be a reason connected to her circumstances: high on something, acting out in response to abuse etc. But she is not your responsibility and you don't have to spend time with her. So again, nothing to gain.

If she has changed, what's the point in asking her? Do you want an apology? Sounds as if you got one at the time.

If she hasn't changed, what's the point in asking her? To let someone aggressive and violent back into your life?

I was bullied (less badly) at that age, and earlier. I have no particular interest in what those children are up to now or what they think of if. They aren't part of my life.

With respect and sympathy, I think 45 years later is a bit too late to burden her with this guilt. You could have sought her out sooner. And it sounds as if the adults responsible handled things badly.

I'm sorry this had such an effect on you and I would focus on that, not on her. Anyone you can trust to talk through your reactions - a friend or a professional? I wouldn't be bringing an unknown stranger into it, and that's what she is at this stage.

I did but with a very different timescale.

I was bullied in my first year of secondary school. One girl wrote 'I hate (my name)' on the board and there was general hilarity along with lots of other nasty comments from her and others. There was some physical bullying as well.

By year 11 we got on better (though I still disliked most of the girls who had bullied me) and I asked her why she did it. She couldn't even remember and was mortified. I was shocked that something which had hurt my feelings do much hadn't even registered for her.

Whilst im.sorry this had a huge affect on you ,45 years is a huge amount of time lots of things will have happened for both you and her personally I would leave it in the past ,in 45 years many people will have turned their life around they will quite literally not be the same people they were at 15 and if they are still that person I can't see many people envying,then

I have had the opposite experience, where people have thanked me years later for something I cannot remember doing, or in one case did without wanting to. It's sometimes hard to feel a connection with our past in the same way that someone else might. I think that, even if you asked her now and she tried to help, you'd never really know what drove a fifteen-year old nearly fifty years ago. That person is surely gone. Look after yourself.

I would get in touch if it would help me move on in some way. What have you got to lose? You don't need to be abusive just ask straight forward questions and see what she says. Interesting to see if she apologises. Good luck.