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Original poster

Did your parents/PIL come to stay during/after you gave birth? For how long?

73 replies

AngryBirdsNoMore · 12/04/2023 00:49

Just that really. Wondering about others experiences as I prepare for birth of second child.

did your parents or in-laws come to stay, and for how long? And was that a good decision or do you regret it?

OP posts:

BelleSauvage9 · 12/04/2023 08:13

With dd1 I stayed at my mums for 2 weeks post birth. But I was a single mum, it was my first baby and I was 21 so I felt I really needed that extra support. Dd2 no parents or in laws staying at all (except my mum staying during induction and labour to care for dd1) just visited a couple of times. Dc3 due in June and will be the same with no one staying. We don't have the room for anyone to stay anyway, but wouldn't feel the need for it regardless.

alotofpeople · 12/04/2023 08:14

My mum stayed Monday to Friday after my husband went back. She did absolutely everything except feed and tend the baby (ebf). My PIL came twice a week for a few hours, MIL ironed everything within an inch of its life. I have never had such a clean tidy house. Missed it when I got back on my feet! Would do the same for my children, if and when needed.

MamaNewtNewt · 12/04/2023 08:27

I wasn't intending to have anyone to stay but I had such a tough birth that DH and I really needed the help. DH had never been around a baby before and I couldn't walk, so DM stayed for a couple of days, and then DMIL for a couple of days after that. I don't know how we would have managed without them tbh, particularly DM when I was first home.

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Limetart · 12/04/2023 08:45

When dd baby was due dh and I booked an air bnb nearby.
Dd and dsil got their space but we could be there when they wanted/needed.

Oblomov23 · 12/04/2023 09:19

My mum came to 'stay' with ds2. She wasn't with us, but at her pil in the next town. After I came out of hospital after a week, she came for a week, long days, not nights. It was fab, she was a godsend.

riotlady · 12/04/2023 09:24

My parents lived locally but after my DH went back to work after 2 weeks paternity my mum came round most of her lunch breaks to help me shower, make sure I had food etc. she even took bags of baby clothes away and washed them for me. She’s not normally super maternal so it was lovely to feel looked after!

mindutopia · 12/04/2023 09:35

First baby: ILs visited for the day about 10 days after birth, my family visited for a week about 6 weeks later and stayed in a holiday let in the village (they live abroad).

Second: no visit from ILs as were NC, I think again my mum (alone this time) visited for a week around 6 weeks and stayed with us.

Both fine, I wouldn’t have wanted any more time together or anyone to visit any sooner as that’s just not the sort of person I am or the relationship we have. I think if people do come to visit for more than a day/night, asking them to sort their own accommodation may be sensible unless you are really close or know they’ll be able to cope with the intensity. My mum was definitely more hindrance than help being under our feet and by the end of the week her constant presence and small grumblings about my parenting wore on me. It would have been better if she wasn’t there 24/7.

allmycats · 12/04/2023 09:59

My mother came for 10 days and did all cooking, cleaning and housework and looked after baby so that I could have afternoon nap, shower etc. Was great as DH had to work

HarrietStyles · 12/04/2023 10:24

Think very carefully about if they will be a help or a hindrance. My Mum came to stay for a week “to help” in week three, when my husband returned to work after 2 weeks paternity leave. She spent the week sat on the sofa, holding my baby, watching TV. She hogged the remote and I ended up making lunch and cups of tea for her! 🤷🏼‍♀️ Whilst also doing all the housework while she looked after the baby. Was absolutely no help whatsoever and I missed out on bonding time with my first baby for a whole week. Wish I’d never invited her. If you are sure that they will help out around the house, make meals, look after you and actually make life easier rather than harder, then yes. I would set out your expectations clearly beforehand too, to avoid what happened to me!

SweetSummerSweetPea · 12/04/2023 10:26

It entirely depends on them and you and your relationship with them!
Are they mean, will they criticise you for not keeping a clean house and serving them dinner whilst you recover from a section?

Or will they know when to make themselves scarse, help you out, won't snatch baby out of arms and drown you in unwanted advise?

BridieConvert · 12/04/2023 10:27

Absolutely not I couldn't have thought of anything worse. First was also a lockdown baby. DC1 stayed with PIL while I was waiting to go in for induction and the first night in hospital after DC2 was born. DC1 was home with DH after that.
Family all live quite close so would have come round if we needed help but I would not have had anyone staying

Original poster

AngryBirdsNoMore · 12/04/2023 13:43

Tinybrother · 12/04/2023 07:37

This sort of snark is unnecessary.

Show quote history

I thought so too.

it isn’t just for help. It’s also wondering about expectations of them meeting the new baby. PIL live a 4-5 hour drive away, my mum a 3 hour drive away, my dad and stepmum (who would probably be the most hands on but my mum hates her) 1.5 hours away. None close, so potentially they’d have to stay.

OP posts:

rllrsk8 · 12/04/2023 13:52

My parents will be on holiday for 3 weeks a couple of days after my due date, so they may or may not get to meet grandchild before they go, but certainly won't be staying with us.

MIL and FIL planning to visit about 10 days after due date for up to a week. I have some reservations, I don't want to compromise bonding time and having that time just the three of us, but my PIL are very good at just getting on with things - cooking, washing, laundry and taking themselves out for the day occasionally, and they have stated they specifically want to come to help us and I believe they will. They live far away and we have a good relationship, but we have also agreed that we will see how things work out and if we need to delay the trip we will. So hopeful it will be positive!

HecticHedgehog · 12/04/2023 14:01

Parents lived close enough not to stay. Pil would visit for 2/3 days but stay nearby and visit in the day.

Sparklybutold · 12/04/2023 15:30

My side - no. Mum died when I was young and estranged from my dad.

DH - stayed a weekend when we lived away. When we lived closer - popped in for a hug.

Certainly didn't get practical help.

RosemaryAndTime · 12/04/2023 15:44

My mum stayed over the night I came home from the hospital (Friday), and there was a nice meal waiting for me. I was on a high and we had a few visitors the next day, mum went home that night and me and DH had a Chinese takeaway.
Sunday we went to Church with the baby and to my mum's for Sunday lunch,
I had hyperemesis and pre-eclampsia and felt terrible all through my pregnancy, as soon as the baby was born I felt human again and wanted to make the most of things!
Mum looked after dd while I was in the hospital giving birth to ds and brought her home to meet us from the hospital, she didn't stay over as we wanted to spend time just the four of us, I had been in and out of hospital during the pregnancy so poor dd had been missing me. My church friends organised meals for us for the first week, every evening a lovely home-cooked meal would arrive, it was fab!

Maloneyb · 28/05/2023 16:33

My mom stayed with me and my OH.
i would’ve lost my mind if PILs stayed.
My mom did everything for me. Cooking, cleaning, holding the baby so I could shower, helping me sort my latch out for breastfeeding.
MIL is a narcissist so she would only come for her own gain unfortunately

Veryfishy · 28/05/2023 16:43

My parents came to stay to help out with second baby
They arrived the day before due date ( as first baby was early ) second baby was 5 days late , it made a huge difference to me , having someone else to help with a toddler as I was huge and exhausted, they were able to stay for a few days lto help me out after the birth , in those days DH only had 2 days paternity leave
We lived opposite sides of the country , so they couldn’t just pop over ( it was over 5 hours hours of driving door to door )
they were a tremendous help , even though Dd was born quickly and easily and we went home when she was 2 hours old

Recycledblonde · 28/05/2023 16:52

My parents came and stayed for at least a week after each of my 3, it was 25 years ago and paternity leave didn't exist so DH went back to work very soon after the birth. Mum was great, she cooked , cleaned, washed, ironed and packed me snacks of homemade fruit cake to have in the middle of the night when I had the breastfeeding munchies. Cups of tea were always available without me asking. Dad did school runs and played with the older ones, mowed the lawn and did odd jobs around the house and garden.
They did all this despite being in their early 70s by the time the last grandchild arrived. I'm not sure what I would have done if they hadn't come as DH was out of the house from 6.30am to 8pm Monday to Friday. I suppose I would have coped as other people do.

WimpoleHat · 28/05/2023 16:54

My mother came for the weekend after my DD was born on the Wednesday. I have never, ever been so glad to put someone on a train on a Monday morning…..

cptartapp · 28/05/2023 16:59

No one came and stayed. PIL live an hour away so came once every several weeks. My DM lived ten minutes away and visits dwindled very quickly to once a month or so. We went to both too. No help was given. No sleep overs (that never changed), no walk outs with the pram.
We just got on with it and through a desperate need for a break I went back to work pt at four months.

SallyWD · 28/05/2023 17:03

My MIL came to stay for 3 weeks when I had my second. We had no one to look after my toddler and we were worried about having to get her up in the night while I gave birth. It was absolutely wonderful to have MIL there. She was such an angel and looked after us all.

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 28/05/2023 20:04

No-one the first time, but my mum stayed to look after our first child whil I was having our second. It was a nightmare.

My mum got really arsey about sleeping on the sofabed with my dad, despite knowing in advance that was the plan, it was a comfy king size sofabed BTW, not a wee futon. She even tried to sleep in our bed and tried to encourage DH to stay at the hospital where he'd have an upright chair to sleep in.

The next day they did look after our then toddler, which we were very grateful for, but my god, they made us know how grateful we should be.

They left without my mum even having a cuddle of her newest grandson and our relationship has never recovered.

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