Did your parents/PIL come to stay during/after you gave birth? For how long?

[AngryBirdsNoMore]

Just that really. Wondering about others experiences as I prepare for birth of second child.

did your parents or in-laws come to stay, and for how long? And was that a good decision or do you regret it?

No either staying would be my worst nightmare with first or subsequent children.

My Mum did one night with me but only because I was a single parent, my eldest was only 7 and I’d had a EMCS. I’m rubbish at taking help and I wanted to prove I could manage. However, in the following weeks she was a lifesaver; taking DD to school, letting me have a nap and doing washing etc. We had a difficult relationship prior to me having children but her help when the girls’ dad left when I was 9weeks pregnant, changed everything. However, I’d really struggle with in laws I think, and if anyone in your house acts like a guest they need to go!

My mum came shortly after DD1 was born to help for a few days (I don't remember exactly how many, but not long.) She was helpful but at that point we didn't need her for all that long.

With DD2, she'd been coming fairly regularly to look after DD1 while I had scans (I had a high risk pregnancy with a lot of extra scans) and she also came while I was in hospital to give birth to look after DD1. This worked really well - DD1 adores her and hardly noticed I was gone! I don't think she stayed very long after DD2 was born - maybe one more night? Though she did come back a week later when DD2 had to spend a night in hospital for jaundice.

Both times, she was fine staying in the house and it didn't feel like she was in our space. But she's someone who is good at that, and sensitive to our feelings. She's also very good at not giving unasked for advice, and understanding we might do things differently to her. She understood stuff like establishing breastfeeding and was helpful with it. We also have understanding parents in law who didn't feel they were being hard done by because it was my mum who got to meet the baby first (both times they came to visit quite soon after, but they weren't here when either was born.)

No. No space and TBH none of them covered themselves in glory when they visited. I doubt they would have helped if staying.

No, we didn't need any live in help with any of the three.

My mum was there for 2 weeks after DD2 was born (and 2 weeks before!) Until DH returned from Afghanistan (Army... missed the birth by two weeks). I think it would have been extremely tricky coping with a toddler and newborn completely alone.

I don't think there's a right or wrong answer. Its working out if extra people will be a help or a hindrance.

My mum died when I was 38 weeks pregnant. My dad did visit but only to take me out to the pub one afternoon for food.

My PIL were lovely and came and picked us up from the hospital and came round to help for a few days. They did not stay over but were nicely involved.

My DH is a teacher and managed to do half term plus two weeks of paternity so I had plenty of support.

My MIL turned up everyday for the first week we came home. I was relieved at first thinking she would help me as it was my first baby and I didn't have a clue. But all she did was sit on the couch while I fetched her cups of tea and made her lunch and dinner in between navigating my way through looking after my first born. She didn't help in the slightest and I was convinced she was only there to be looked after.

Sounds ridiculous. Tell your husband to say no. You don't need them there for 2 weeks to "help".

No.
As pp says my mother turned up with my sister who both sat with their coats on and waited for me to finish breast feeding the new baby after a c section so I could make them tea.
I did shout over to them (they placed themselves at the dining room table the other side of the house) to stick the kettle on as I was gasping. But no, they waited for me to do it.

That was the one as if only visit from them.

fil visited once (mil dead) again sat waiting for his cup of tea.

Im not bitter AT ALL.

This sort of snark is unnecessary.

No. Both sets are pretty local, it just didn't occur to me tbh. Although with dc2 I did go to stay with my parents because ExH was being a dick.

I don't really understand people doing it. If mine lived far away I still wouldn't want people staying directly after birth.

@Wrongsideofpennines please say no! It's a time you'll never get back. I found having visitors exhausting, even when they were helpful.

My mum stayed for two weeks, DH only had a couple of days off.

She was an enormous help. Cooked, cleaned, held baby whilst she screamed in the evenings and I sobbed to DH when the baby blues struck. She encouraged me with BF which I really struggled with, and taught me hour to bath baby DD. And allowed me to have good soak in the bath whilst she kept an eye on DD. It was wonderful.

Second time was less of a shock, so she was keeping 17 month old DD1 entertained. The recovery was easier despite having had a CS that time.

I knew she'd be supportive so that was lovely. My dad stayed back at their house. He is great but would have been buzzing about all the time, so not very restful.

Mil was nearly 80 and lived very near by, so after a few visits, once I recovered it was easier to go to her rather than the other way round.

My MIL was with me for most of my labour with DS2 but had to leave to care for DD3 before I started pushing which was a shame as we had planned to for her to be with us for the birth but ran into childcare issues. We’re very close and she stayed with us for a week after as DS was in NICU.

She’s always been super respectful and never pushed. She accepted my older 3 DC without hesitation and loved them without limit so that quickly gave me the measure of her. When DD3 was born she arrived at the hospital and stayed behind the curtain as I was breastfeeding, I called out for her to get her butt in here and meet her granddaughter, so she quickly got the measure of me too and we never looked back!

It’s totally down to individual relationships and personal choice. I have to keep major boundaries in place for my side as they’re utterly codependent and enmeshed and I worked hard to extricate myself from that so I can’t give an inch or they take everything.

@moonlight1705 I'm so sorry, that must have been absolutely terrible for you.

Not the first time, but my DM came for four nights after we had our second. It wasn't particularly helpful. It was another person to cater for, and someone who felt it important to eat at set times etc. She struggled to help with the toddler, so just wanted to sit and hold baby while I waited in everyone.

Saying that, had she been the proactive helpful type, then it would have been useful.

No

but I would welcome help if had a toddler to entertain

This!

Ils are deceased but my parents stayed for 2 weeks afterwards. This was, however, mostly by accident as they live an entire continent away and had booked the visit before we even knew I was having a baby! I was in a total haze and remember very little except for drinking Rose and watching Dharma and Greg in the middle of the night while (bottle) feeding the baby. This was DS1. I cannot recall if it was a good thing or a bad thing that nthey were here but my parents have never even on a single occasion babysat the DCs for an evening to 'give us a break' any of the times they have come to see us or we have gone to see them (I guess about 7 times since the first was born- 13 now). I cannot recall if they helped with cooking or anything.

For DS2 no visits had been planned and DH was working 3 hours away and came home every 2 weeks for 2 nights at the time for a couple of months. Nobody at all asked if I needed help..... (and tbh I didn't at all).... but I was rather when I went back to work and went on a week long work trip abroad and had neighbours and friends falling over themselves to help 'poor' DH who had been left looking after his own children.

First time round my DP came to visit for 5 days once my husband was back at work. They stayed elsewhere but would arrive by 9am and would leave after dinner so 7.30ish. They did try to be helpful but they were looking days. Was glad when the week was over and I could get into my own routine. Some of it also was that I am stubbornly independent so probably didn't ask for as much help as maybe I should have.

This time round parents came just for a weekend, staying with us this time. Then PIL came when baby was 4 weeks old for 5 days, again staying with us. Both these visits were really useful. I could leave baby with PIL while I did the school run with my older DC. Both sets of parents would help with jobs around the house (new house)/cook/tidy etc. I think it did hinder establishing feeding though as both sets of parents keen on trying to get baby to settle in the moses basket when really baby probably just needed to be feeding.

Anyway both times I was glad for our parents to be able to have some time with their grandchildren.

Yes, to visit not to help out. They are all nice, normal people though so didn't expect to be waited on hand and foot and DH is also a nice, normal person so even if they hadn't been he'd have given them short shrift whilst carrying on do a degree of hosting as he was.

Didn't get the need to have a special little bubble thing going. Came home on Christmas Eve with DC2 and had 7 of us for Christmas. All very nice.

PIL and Parents all came to visit on day 2 while we were still in hospital.

Then, about a week after we got home when DH was going back to work, DPs we're up for a family event on Saturday night and DM stayed on for a week with us.

She really meant well and she tried to be useful, but we don't have that close a relationship and I was always the "black sheep" so I wasn't comfortable really. Nothing bad, I just felt judged a lot (and I know she didn't mean it on that occasion - she does on plenty of others), and couldn't really start a routine with her there. She did things very differently to DH and I generally.

So it was a lovely thought but I was relieved to see her leave at the end. But we didn't have any big blow out or anything.

God no.

it was a difficult time but very important for dh and I to get the hang of it ourselves.

when dc2 was born dc1 went to stay with my dps though. That was exceedingly helpful.

One set of parents lives 4 hours away; the other 5 hrs away. We had moved to a new area when I was 37 weeks pregnant with DC1 and knew no one. Both sets of parents worked full time when DC1 was born but part time when DC2 was born

DC1 - my parents came to stay for 3 nights when she was about 3 days old. I don't remember much of it really but they would have been really hands on! Much excitement at having a grandchild. The day after they left, PIL arrived and stayed for two nights. I remember that more as I was more mobile so DC1 had had her first walk, visit to a restaurant and a few things. They would have been less hands on but it was lovely to introduce them to their first grandchild. I begged my parents to come for a weekend when DC1 was about 6 weeks as we were feeling broken at that stage and just needed some support. They did and then MIL came down for a few nights mid-week, both of which really helped.

DC2 - my parents arrived and I went into labour about 2 hours later. They obviously looked after DC1 and, whilst it was a quick labour and DH was home when DC1 got up in the morning, they could focus on DC1, take her to nursery etc whilst DH caught up on some sleep and then came back to the hospital (best part of an hour away). They left after a couple of nights and the PIL arrived for a few nights. Again, they focused on DC1 whilst also having plenty of cuddles with DC2 and generally making cups of tea. My recovery after DC2 was completely different as I was fine within hours. That turned out to be handy as DH spent most of the next 6 weeks away with work only re-appearing for the odd night here & there. Grandparents came when they could but I didn't feel I needed the support in the same way, it was more for them to see the DC.

I think this was a traditional expectation, that older women would help with a new baby. New mothers might not know how to handle them otherwise in the days when information / knowledge transfer was primarily oral, and community links were much closer and more vital, requiring regular refreshment. Many new mothers would have seen more babies though, siblings and cousins.

My mother complained bitterly about the lack of support she got - her own mother was housebound and my dad’s mother was useless. I was left to it, and quite grateful, as I had already seen and helped with baby siblings and my mother’s constant complaining and grumbling isnt really conducive to providing any actual help! My dh’s parents passed years ago.