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Original poster

Help with MIL nagging.

45 replies

magicresponse · 10/04/2023 16:46

Hi All. I've NC'd for this as DH's family are on here, & I'm mostly on the litter tray boards these days Grin

DC has just turned 2.

MIL has been asking repeatedly when (not if) we are going to have another. We don't have a good relationship, I try and limit time spent with her to family birthdays where everyone else shows up as well, but we have a load of those coming up and so I'd like advice on how to respond so that she stops asking.

It's relevant that it took a long time to conceive our first baby, who was stillborn (passed away from disabilities) in early 2019. Subsequently, it took a while to conceive DC, and I had a very stressful pregnancy. I suppose I feel like it's a loaded question from anybody - whilst DH and I would quite like another, I don't know if or when it will happen for us - we're just delighted and grateful to have DC - and I feel tearful and full of rage when she asks personal questions. One of the reasons I dislike her is because she repeatedly compares our loss to an early abortion she had in the 1980s, after she had DH and his sisters - she also strangely competitive and frequently boasts about how fertile she and her children are. I want to respond to her unemotionally and definitively. What can I say?

OP posts:
Nothingbuttheglory · 10/04/2023 16:49

"Fuck off"

"DH, your mum has a question"

Rollerpiggy · 10/04/2023 16:52

I would shut her down by saying “when we are good and ready if ever. I’m the meantime we will enjoy our son, and you can mind your own business.” then smile and put the kettle on.

easterbunnie · 10/04/2023 16:54

Tap your nose and say " that's for smelling, not other people's business "

CurlewKate · 10/04/2023 16:57

"We aren't going to have any more. Now, would you like a cup of tea?

Heroicallyfound · 10/04/2023 16:59

‘Please stop asking me. This is a sensitive topic for me and it’s important to me that you respect our privacy. I won’t ask you again, and if you continue to ask I will have to limit contact with you because it’s too hurtful to be around you when you keep bringing up this topic’.

Make sure you say it factually, firmly and unemotionally.

YellowGreenBlue · 10/04/2023 17:01

I would say you're not going to have another. It may not be true but hopefully it will shut her up.

Saniflo · 10/04/2023 17:03

What does your husband say when she says all this?

Justalittlebitduckling · 10/04/2023 17:06

Tell her you’re not planning to have anymore. One and done. Then if you do it can be a pleasant surprise for her. As a bonus, tell her more than one kid is too expensive these days. Who knows, maybe she’ll give you some money 🤣

Justalittlebitduckling · 10/04/2023 17:07

Alternatively, “your son really prefers to come in my mouth and/or anus”.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 10/04/2023 17:10

Your husband deals with it, “mum, stop asking, you are being incredibly insensitive, yes you are, don’t look at me like that. You can either shut up now, or we’ll go home and wait for your apology.”

Violetparis · 10/04/2023 17:11

Say 'I don't want to talk about this' every time you are asked, keep repeating and don't give an inch.

Skybluepinky · 10/04/2023 17:14

When we r ready.

Topseyt123 · 10/04/2023 17:15

Tell her to bugger off and mind her own business.

Original poster
magicresponse · 10/04/2023 17:17

Thanks so much all.

To respond / answer some questions...

DH has told her she'll find out if/when we do! She likes to divide and conquer, so she'll approach us individually.

If we say we're one and done (well, I wouldn't say that as I have had two children and so am a mum of two, even if the first one isn't here) she will go on and on and on about DC being lonely and how could we possibly do that. Also if we are fortunate enough to have another at some point she will then take credit for us having another...she will spend eternity saying "oh they weren't going to and I persuaded them..." I wish I was joking, but she takes credit for any "achievements" of her extended family!

I like the non emotional response from @Heroicallyfound very much, but we are not dealing with a reasonable human here and so there would be lots of "WHHYYY???" I mean if I can't get her to understand that a stillbirth is not an abortion I think I am on a hiding to nothing.

I am very close to just telling her to fuck off but that puts me in a bad light, not her, as I guess it's usual for people to ask?

OP posts:
Original poster
magicresponse · 10/04/2023 17:18

@Justalittlebitduckling hahahhahaa but no.

OP posts:
Original poster
magicresponse · 10/04/2023 17:18

@OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow @Violetparis these are good!!!

OP posts:
AmandaHoldensLips · 10/04/2023 17:19

I would lose my shit with her and tell her that your reproductive system is none of her business.

Limetart · 10/04/2023 17:22

Answer a question with a question.
Why are you asking?
Why do you need to know?
Did anyone ask you about your fertility or were they more polite?
or my personal favourite
Wtaf has it got to do with you?

Slimjimtobe · 10/04/2023 17:23

I would spend even less time with her then you do now. She’s not very kind. Sorry for your loss and it’s great you are happy now after all you have been through

Scotlasss · 10/04/2023 17:23

This is AWFUL that you’ve to deal with her. I’m so sorry.

My MIL is similar with the comments & the divide and conquer so I’ve set a boundary that I’m never alone with her, ever. She follows me around the house to try and sneak a second to make the comments - husband now is one step ahead. I’d really advise this as much as it’s hard work, it works.

Inertia · 10/04/2023 17:29

I'm sorry for the loss of your first baby. It's awful that your MIL is totally disregarding your pain and hurt, and minimising one of the most traumatic experiences any woman can experience. I don't think I could spare her feelings with niceties, and would tell her how brutally hurtful it is for her to keep forcing this discussion on you knowing that your first child did not survive.

JassyRadlett · 10/04/2023 17:30

God she sounds awful, especially after all you've been through.

I'd be torn between:

'Mary, do you think you should see a doctor about your memory? Only we keep having this conversation and you seem to keep forgetting that we've already discussed it. I've heard it's best to try and spot dementia early.!

and

'You'll never find out if you keep asking this, because you won't be seeing us again. We've been over this a number of times and your refusal to accept our answer crosses a line.'

Heroicallyfound · 10/04/2023 17:40

If she’ll ask why then you treat her like a toddler and enforce your boundary - ‘as I said, because you’re continuing to raise this I will be limiting contact with you and I won’t see you unless at big family events like weddings’ (or whatever your boundary is).

You do actually need to follow through with consequences for people to start to respect you. If she’s upset about it it’s her doing, not yours.

saraclara · 10/04/2023 17:52

DH has told her she'll find out if/when we do!

Then that's your answer too, especially as you say that she likes to divide and conquer.

If she persists after you've said that, then you're allowed to be rude "you're being intrusive and I'm not going to say any more than I already have" ...And then walk away.

Asiama · 10/04/2023 17:58

"Why are you so interested in our sex life?"

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