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Original poster

Help with MIL nagging.

45 replies

magicresponse · 10/04/2023 16:46

Hi All. I've NC'd for this as DH's family are on here, & I'm mostly on the litter tray boards these days

DC has just turned 2.

MIL has been asking repeatedly when (not if) we are going to have another. We don't have a good relationship, I try and limit time spent with her to family birthdays where everyone else shows up as well, but we have a load of those coming up and so I'd like advice on how to respond so that she stops asking.

It's relevant that it took a long time to conceive our first baby, who was stillborn (passed away from disabilities) in early 2019. Subsequently, it took a while to conceive DC, and I had a very stressful pregnancy. I suppose I feel like it's a loaded question from anybody - whilst DH and I would quite like another, I don't know if or when it will happen for us - we're just delighted and grateful to have DC - and I feel tearful and full of rage when she asks personal questions. One of the reasons I dislike her is because she repeatedly compares our loss to an early abortion she had in the 1980s, after she had DH and his sisters - she also strangely competitive and frequently boasts about how fertile she and her children are. I want to respond to her unemotionally and definitively. What can I say?

OP posts:

ShandaLear · 10/04/2023 17:58

Just reply, ‘I don’t know, but I’d like to have a go at trying now. Jarlath, get up them stairs, drop yer trousers, and assume the position. Mary, can’t stop. I’ve to make sure Jarlath gives me a good seeing to. Last time his bollocks almost went on fire with all the vigorous thrusting’.

SparklingLime · 10/04/2023 18:09

DH has told her she'll find out if/when we do! She likes to divide and conquer, so she'll approach us individually.

That's not enough from your DH. His mother is behaving appallingly. He needs to make it very clear that she is not to mention this again, or there will be no contact.

jannier · 10/04/2023 18:26

This reply has been deleted

We've removed this post as we didn't feel it was in the spirit of the site.

Lulu2171 · 10/04/2023 20:04

SparklingLime · 10/04/2023 18:09

DH has told her she'll find out if/when we do! She likes to divide and conquer, so she'll approach us individually.

That's not enough from your DH. His mother is behaving appallingly. He needs to make it very clear that she is not to mention this again, or there will be no contact.

Agree with this. DH needs to do much more to shut it down.

But in the meantime, pick one of the good suggestions above and just repeat repeat repeat.

Eg "we're going to see how we feel" over and over again. Even if it doesn't completely fit as an answer to her specific question who cares. Take it as a mantra so you don't have to think about your answer, meaning you aren't engaging with her question. Hopefully she'll get so bored she'll stop, but even if not hopefully it has less impact on you that she asks. Every time you trot out whichever little meaningless phrase you choose is a win for you and a poke in the eye for her.

PS. TWAT.

Gazelda · 10/04/2023 20:09

This reply has been deleted

We've removed this post as we didn't feel it was in the spirit of the site.

As much as OP, wants ideas and support to deal with her intrusive and insensitive MIL, your post is extraordinarily hurtful and unkind.

frozendaisy · 10/04/2023 20:20

Justalittlebitduckling · 10/04/2023 17:07

Alternatively, “your son really prefers to come in my mouth and/or anus”.

Please say this please please please

KrabiBeach · 10/04/2023 20:32

OP I'm so sorry for your loss. I think in light of everything you've said, I would just say to her "you do realise we lost our first baby?" And then "hence I do NOT wish to talk about this".

Make sure your husband repeats and just be like two robots about it.

How awful. So sorry you're experiencing this.

Original poster

magicresponse · 10/04/2023 21:21

All - THANK YOU. It means such a lot that people have taken the time to respond. Lots of excellent answers, and everyone has been so supportive. I'm going to practise some of the less hilarious ones and get DH on side.

OP posts:

mbosnz · 10/04/2023 21:26

I'd go with 'that is not your business. Do not ask again. If you don't know it, you are being incredibly intrusive, insensitive, and rude'.

TellHimDirectlyInDetail · 10/04/2023 21:31

"I don't know if or when it will happen for us - we're just delighted and grateful to have DC - and I feel tearful and full of rage when you ask personal questions because of what happened in 2019"

Catsstillrock · 10/04/2023 21:40

Ah OP she sounds awful I’m sorry.

getting grilled on whether we’d have no 2 by ‘friends’ while having IVF wasn’t fun.

got asked once at a get together with 4-5 friends. One I knew less well.

in a conversation lull (so everyone listening) she asked:

’are you going to have another one?’

i replied ‘i dont know’

and then said nothing further.

the silence after felt like it went on together. Likely the expectation was I’d give some details I’d whether / when we were trying.

but I didn’t want to talk about it. I’d confided in one or two close friends and not any of this group.

part of dealing with her is having the courage and resilience to be silent and repeat repeat repeat whatever line you settle on.

so sorry for the loss of your beautiful firstborn .

my sister was stillborn. I never knew her but I think of her frequently in difficult parenting moments. The perspective she offers makes me a better mother and I’m grateful to her every day.

Jesusmaryjosephandtheweedon · 10/04/2023 21:52

I'm sorry for the loss of your firstborn. I have a friend whose first dd was stillborn and I know subsequent pregnancies have been very traumatic for her, with the worry and the questions. Your mil sounds awful.

Answer her, we don't know if or when that may happen for us, if or when it does we will.be sure to let you know, now please do not ask again as it can be very upsetting to constantly be asked. And if she keeps going on....im not discussing this again....ad nauseum.

Missmysleep99 · 10/04/2023 21:52

Just smile politely, say excuse me and walk off.

TellHimDirectlyInDetail · 11/04/2023 15:58

@Missmysleep99 what would that achieve?

SeulementUneFois · 11/04/2023 16:17

Scotlasss · 10/04/2023 17:23

This is AWFUL that you’ve to deal with her. I’m so sorry.

My MIL is similar with the comments & the divide and conquer so I’ve set a boundary that I’m never alone with her, ever. She follows me around the house to try and sneak a second to make the comments - husband now is one step ahead. I’d really advise this as much as it’s hard work, it works.

Op.

This is the only thing I think that will practically work.
Make sure your DH is unwavering in being by your side.

AllotmentTime · 11/04/2023 16:23

Cry. Weaponise the fuck out of your tears. Make as much of a scene as you can bear to, explaining to everyone in listening range that this is such an upsetting question and all the reasons why. Let her be seen by all to be the absolute bitch bad guy in this. Tell the whole family that this is really painful and you just do not know whether a second is on the cards, but the nagging is the worst possible thing.

Shes only getting away with this shit because you’re hiding how upset you are. Stop hiding it. She doesn’t deserve that consideration from you.

💐

softarrows · 11/04/2023 19:02

I had this with my in laws. I couldn't face a showdown, so settled on a big sigh, followed by ""this again?" and then walk off and start putting away dishes or something.

Missmysleep99 · 12/04/2023 14:15

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Missmysleep99 · 12/04/2023 14:20

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Missmysleep99 · 12/04/2023 14:21

@TellHimDirectlyInDetail Sounds like her MIL is a narsacist so best not to engage as people like that always make it about them in some way. The fact she is comparing a still birth to an abortion shows that. Ideally she should cut her out of her life all together. Toxic people are so draining. I just wouldn't waste my energy on someone like that.

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