Partner deaf frustration

[Springsummer23]

I know I'm being awful when I say this. But my partner is completely deaf in 1 ear and needs a hearing aid for the other ear.

It's very hard to have a conversation with him. We will be chatting and he replies, we have conversation he's saying all the words that make it a 2 way conversation. So I thi k its all good then 20 mins later he will say or ask something that indicates he didn't really hear most of what was said.

Also if there is a family conversation. He projects his voice so loudly it dominants the whole conversation it bounces of the walls. And it kind of kills the conversation. And sometimes we can't have a conversation that we need to because he's dominating it.

I know its not his fault and i know I sound awful for writing this post . I think he projects his voice because he can't gear himself? I have tried talking to him about his hearing aid being adjusted . But he seems ti think he can gear like everyone else with hus hearing aid. And he does the project his voice thing so its hard to tall to him anyway.

I'm just wondering if anyone has experienced anything similar.

It would be so lovely to just have a normal conversation where everyone is a part of it.

How old is he and when did he first start to lose his hearing

Well, the point is, he can’t have a normal conversation, because he can’t hear the volume of his voice. Yes, it’s frustrating, but it’s even more frustrating to be unable to hear all the parts of a conversation. Hearing people get annoyed with deaf people, as though they’re not hearing or understanding on purpose.

Having said that, has he had them checked recently. Often, like eyesight, you don’t realise the deterioration until it’s checked.

My mum was very deaf and I had to learn to project my voice, as well as virtually interpreting for her in shops etc. Now I have hearing loss, which isn’t awful, but I need people to speak clearly and to be looking at me.

Hes 57. He's always had a problem with hearing . I think possibly it's hereditary? Both his parents have hearing aids although they are elderly. His daughter is deaf in 1 ear.

You have my sympathy, and I wear two aids, have had them for nearly two years ,I'm 61 soon.
I knew my hearing was not what it should be because I was finding it hard to follow conversations, especially in noisy crowded places, still do in that situation.
Also was told the TV was rather loud on occasion. by my husband who I believe now needs his own aids, but does not think he does.
Mens voices will always be louder than ours, deaf or not, but I agree the deafer they are the more they 'Hold court' in social gatherings, drives me nuts, like you, we don't get a word in edgeways.
What spurred me on to get the aids was reading that deafness contributes to Dementia or was it Altzhiemers (spelling?) and who wants to up one's chances of getting either of those

We will be chatting and he replies, we have conversation he's saying all the words that make it a 2 way conversation. So I thi k its all good then 20 mins later he will say or ask something that indicates he didn't really hear most of what was said

It could be nothing to do with his condition. It sounds like he's hearing you but not listening to you IYSWIM.
A different thing altogether.

Yes I definitely agree. Also I think its probably hard when there is mire than one sound in the room. So I know my moaning is pretty selfish.

I think my main frustration is when he says things that are nor appropriate I try to get his attention to say you can't be saying g stuff like that but his voice had projected so much that I can't stop him saying what he is.

Just so it's clear around 6 months ago my 16 year old tried to end his life. My oldest son is a policeman and said in conversation he had gone to a suicide attempt. This prompted partner to say if the person had intended to kill themselves they would have . If they mean it they just do it and don't tell anyone. And this is all said in the loud projected voice he was going in a bit to much but it was hard to stop him because he was not hearing anything around him. And then my 16 year old is hearing all this and its still quite a sensitive situation. Simlar things often happens.

Thank you for understanding. I onlw that he gps for rests now and then and his hearing aids are adjusted etc . But I also know he can turn them up and down via his phone . So I don't know if hes Turing them up heigh enough.

Also I wounder when he is having his hearing aid adjusting at the check uos he has now and then. I should imagine its a quite room that does not bring every day sounds into account. ?

I never knew deafness and dementia could have a link

Yes I get you . I guess it could be both

Is it time for both of you to learn British sign language so you can have proper conversation again?

It must be so frustrating for you and him to not be able to communicate.

My FIL is deaf and wears hearing aids. However, he either wears them incorrectly, loses them or doesn't wear them at all. Having a conversation with him is an absolute nightmare. I have to constantly raise my voice, which gives me a headache and he shouts all the time and has the TV blasting out loudly. He also misses what's being said and makes his own assumptions, often resulting in him getting the wrong end of the stick. Then, because he can't hear, he thinks no one is talking so he suddenly bursts into loud song when you are in the middle of a conversation.

That has nothing to do with his hearing though.
It’s him being an insensitive twat. Even if he didn’t realise his voice would carry as much as it did, you don’t say that in proximity of someone who has attempted suicide. And by proximity I mean in the same house.

Mine is deaf too. New Bluetooth hearing aids have help, but if they are picking up the tv he can't hear me at all, which is frustrating.

It's also that I can't just make a little "by the way" comment. I have to be in the room with him, I have to be looking at him, so he can see my mouth moving and knows I am speaking, then he has to get his phone and change the Bluetooth from picking up the tv/radio to picking up me.

Then I can say whatever it was. Doesn't feel worth it for "oh look, a woodpecker on the bird table."

And yes, I know it's worse for him

I’m very hard of hearing in both ears.
I wear bilateral digital NHS aids.
I do not shout conversations nor talk in a shouty loud voice.
I do not have the tv loud because I use subtitles. (Check tv settings to know how to permanently install them for every program that has them.)

My mum is nearly 100 years old.
She too is very deaf & wears bilateral aids.
She does not shout conversations and as long as we are looking at her, she can follow our speech from across the room.
She too uses subtitles for tv and living in a flat, does not disturb anyone.

It sounds like your chap has poor social boundaries and behaves badly. He needs a good talking to, if he will listen!
Your future with him seems like it will be very frustrating as he ages because right now he seems obnoxious. I hope with the help of your local audiology department together yous can find a better, more socially adept way forward.

Yes, I thought from all the examples given it was a man thing rather then a being deaf thing….

I have bilateral NHS hearing aids and don't shout either. If your partner's aids can be adjusted using his phone, are you sure he's not listening to music when you think you're having a conversation?

I would also make sure he gets his hearing checked again; it should be done at least once every couple of years as it can deteriorate. Mine were just re-done (I'm 54).

But the shouting and inappropriate comments are things that need to be addressed separately from the aids. I think they will continue regardless of whether the aids are working perfectly until you or someone else challenge him on it.

You do realise that hearing aids don't correct hearing to normal? I put on my glasses and I can see. I put on my hearing aids and it's still like listening to a bad recording. They make things louder, but they don't totally replace what's missing. There are some that are better than others, if you can afford them, but the NHS ones aren't always the best.

I don't wear mine, I can lip read fairly well. With most adults I can follow a conversation. With kids I look at their faces. I can teach in person and online, despite not hearing all the speech sounds and moderate hearing loss.

I listen to music and the TV on mute, it would by audible to the whole block of flats otherwise. I either use subtitles or headphones.

Make sure you are facing him. Make sure there's decent lighting. My ex mumbled, refused to repeat things and often refused to walk over to me or face me when he wanted to talk. Consequently, conversations were frustrating for both of us. Didn't have a problem with most other adults, he just couldn't be bothered to look at me.

Talking far to loud and being insensitive is mainly him just being an idiot though. I can be loud sometimes, but mainly I'm aware of what level I need to talk at. You shouldn't need to tell an adult to stop making insensitive comments in the first place.

This sounds just like my partner . It's very frustrating but also sad because I think he misses out on alot. But he also does not think there's a problem.

Yes I 100% agree . But it was very hard to get him to stop and then explain to him that he can't be saying that sort of stuff.

I kind of know hearing aid don't fully replace what's lost. But I also was not 100% on it as oartner keeps saying I can hear as good as anyone else with hearing aids.

I know that he's meant to be changing his hearing aids soon. Somthing to do with a signal bouncing from his better ear to his completely deaf ear. Meaning he will hear from both sides. I have not explained it well.

He does often get the wrong end of the stick about situations as well which do cause upset. Sometimes he tells out 2 boys of and thru have not done anything wrong or he's completely misunderstood the situation and they get into trouble. I do tell him. But by then it's been done .

when you go to audiology appointment please make sure you ask them to book you a longer appointment so rhehearingcan bechecked and hearing aids adjusted accordingly if you sone specifically ask for that type of appointment they just fiddle about with the hearing aid maybe change a wire then give it back to you without checking fully via a hearing check your current level of hearing

Hi OP, I get it's very frustrating and you have my sympathies.

I have a few random thoughts to share. I hope they are helpful.

It is incredibly draining concentrating on what someone else is saying when you are deaf and rely heavily on hearing aids.

Many people don't realise how deaf they are because it happens, for many of us, gradually. I only found out because my (then new) partner pointed out I was missing things. His sister and BIL are both profoundly deaf so he was quick to spot it.

Hearing aids do not correct hearing at all - as another poster has said, they can only amplify what is left of your hearing. They don't work like glasses either. The sound is very crunchy and amplifies everything, so your voice will be drowned out by the scraping of a plate across the room. It can feel very uncomfortable and make the wearer pretty noise sensitive.

Some days are better hearing days than others due to environmental factors, how tired you are, whether (like me) you have tinnitus and what said tinnitus is doing that day and (like me right now) on what's going on with your sinuses - I'm very blocked up due to a streaming cold and the upshot of that is my hearing is even worse than normal.

Putting aside the insensitive content of your partner's conversation, deaf people can't always hear themselves and that's even harder in a group situation. It's a bit like jumping into a skipping rope game...with your eyes closed, your rhythm will be off.

Apparently, I'm terribly loud if someone corners me on the phone shrugs

I would like to say something about that somewhat unpleasant post upthread suggesting your partner isn't bothering to listen to you: active listening when you're deaf is draining. You are processing the words you hear, working out the missing words - usually through context - then trying to think about what it is you believe you heard and then trying to respond. In the best circumstances, you'll not notice the extra heavy lifting that is done just to have a regular conversation...and other times you will.

There's a lot of shame felt when you've asked someone to repeat themselves and you STILL haven't got it. Even my very loving partner gets irritated by me not hearing him. I do feel for him - it's a fundamental need to be heard- but I also feel a failure and vulnerable in those moments.

Try and rephrase where you can. I know that some phrases will be lost on me because of context or sound.

Of course, some of this might be to do with being a bloke or his personality. My older brother is also going deaf and has no interest in getting help. Everyone has to work around him. I suspect pride is partly the issue.

Anyway, I get it, it's not easy for either of you to feel connected. But this is about loss - not just hearing loss - its loss of a normal way others share connection. Only you will know if that's a loss you can live with and overcome.

All best

@tootiredtobother your comment about deafness contributing to dementia was really interesting.

I have worked with the elderly for 40 years now and have noticed that one of the very very early signs of dementia is hearing loss that goes untreated. So what I mean is that people who have hearing loss and address the issue and get regular tests and hearing aids and maintain them and change the batteries frequently don't go on to develop dementia but people who ignore or deny their hearing loss DO. I have a theory that when you can't hear people they stop talking to you and this is bad for your mental health because you aren't engaging with people properly.

While we're on the subject, the other thing that slowly but surely leads to dementia is this stooping/head down looking at the floor thing that some people start to do. There's not actually a medical reason for doing this - and if you're stooping and looking at the floor and can't hear people you're engaging less and less which surely will increase the speed of any dementia.

I've seen it loads over the years. It always starts with untreated hearing loss and stooping over. Both of which are managable conditions.

Can I ask why posters who have hearing issues aren’t using sign language, at least home with partner etc…?

i have a chronic health condition which means I get tired very easily. I now use an electric wheelchair. I would see sign language the same way? A tool to make my life easier.
Or is it that partner/family wouldnt be happy to make the effort?

Fwiw my dad is wearing hearing aid. So was my FIL.
Or rather they were supposed to. Because they both said it didn’t work/some sounds were too noisy etc… so we’re more comfortable Wo them.
Never mind that everyone else had to cope with the loud TV, themNot hearing etc etc….

Could it be that this is what is happening with your DH too?

I'm the only one in my family willing to learn. There's four of us that are hard of hearing - both parents and one sibling. It also costs £thousands and many hours of lessons. I've got up to level 2, I tried enrolling in level 3, but the course got withdrawn for low enrollment numbers.

Any children I have are likely to have moderate to profound hearing loss, so it makes sense for me to learn.