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Original poster

My father died, I can’t get there

58 replies

SillyMe101 · 08/04/2023 20:19

Sorry this is long. My father died this morning after a long illness. We were not really close, but I love him and I know that he loved me very much. He was a great dad and always did his best for us.

He lives in Australia, where I’m from. I was prepared to leave to attend his funeral. We’ve been ready for months. I’m Australian and my children are Brits. I arranged permission from their father (just a formality to show officials, he knows I’ll bring the children back.) I bought tickets. Then I realised - they need visas! My own stupid fault for overlooking it. One child’s visa came through immediately. The other’s: still waiting. She’s Australian but doesn’t have an Australian passport 🤦‍♀️ I don’t know how long it will take to get one for her. I’m sure we’re going to miss the funeral.

I’m feeling really down tonight. It’s all my fault, I was so focused on the ‘father’s permission’ side of things. We made sure their UK passport were up to date. Thankfully I was able to get the tickets refunded but we’re all sad, and the kids were so excited to go to Australia, and I just want to go and be with my mum and siblings. I feel really dumb. This all went down today!

OP posts:
matis · 08/04/2023 20:20

I am so sorry for your loss.

Itstoday · 08/04/2023 20:22

I’m so sorry. I’m not sure that Australian citizens are allowed to enter Australia on non Australian passports.

Original poster
SillyMe101 · 08/04/2023 20:23

Itstoday · 08/04/2023 20:22

I’m so sorry. I’m not sure that Australian citizens are allowed to enter Australia on non Australian passports.

They’re not, that’s where I’ve messed up too. I don’t know, I just wasn’t thinking. So now I’ll have to get her an emergency passport after Easter. I’m really so down, it’s completely my own fault.

OP posts:
Marchforward · 08/04/2023 20:25

So both children need emergency passports? When are you due to fly?

Itstoday · 08/04/2023 20:25

The Australian embassy in London have always been really good when we’ve dealt with them. I’m sure they’ll help as much as they can. When is your flight?

Itstoday · 08/04/2023 20:27

I’m sorry I’ve just re read and see you cancelled your flights. See what the Australian embassy say on Tuesday. I really hope you can make it x

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/04/2023 20:28

Can you go and the kids stay with dad?

But actually, pages of suggestions might not be what you need. What you need might be for posters to say how shit this is and how sad you must be and how it's unfair and shit that the world doesn't just work when you need it to.

Flowers
Original poster
SillyMe101 · 08/04/2023 20:28

Marchforward · 08/04/2023 20:25

So both children need emergency passports? When are you due to fly?

Fortunately only one does, the other isn’t Australian.

The flights were booked for tomorrow but thankfully I could cancel them. Child 2 can travel on her British passport. Aussie child needs an emergency passport. I think I have to wait until after Easter to put the wheels in motion.

OP posts:
gogohmm · 08/04/2023 20:38

Contact the embassy emergency number, if you Le child has a British passport they may be able to authorise an emergency visa

FlowerFlour · 08/04/2023 20:42

That sucks.

Can you go and leave the children here with their dad? It's not ideal, I'm sure they'd want to be around their Australian family too, but it's your dad so you should go if you can.

FlowerFlour · 08/04/2023 20:43

And I'm sorry for your loss. My dad lives on a different continent too and I dread something happening to him.

Original poster
SillyMe101 · 08/04/2023 20:44

Ahhh thanks @MrsTerryPratchett .

It’s not really ‘unfair’ though, I just made a stupid oversight. I can forgive myself for it because there’s been a lot going ok over the past few months. It was just dumb and I guess I’m disappointed to have let so many people down.

Reading the responses has made me realise that I kinda don’t feel like I have the ‘right’ to be sad about my father dying, because he wasn’t young and it wasn’t unexpected, and I’d chosen to go and live on the other side od the world. Of course logically I know that’s not true. Perhaps I am a bit cross with myself. Or perhaps this is just the realisation that I haven’t been coping and have far too much on my plate.

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 08/04/2023 20:49

OP, I know it's won't be the same but is there anyone attending the funeral who has the technical know-how to set up a live feed for you to view the funeral in real-time?

I was at a funeral recently where the church itself was packed out and one of the techie grandchildren manned a live stream for all the the relatives and friends who couldn't make it.

It's a poor consolation but would at least give you a sense of being present in some way.

Be kind to yourself too, you've just lost your father. Think of what you'd say to anyone else in this position who'd made a mistake. Flowers

Original poster
SillyMe101 · 08/04/2023 20:52

I burst into tears while writing the above 😂

Thanks for the sympathy. DD2 and I just had a good cry. I’m a bit scared of what my mother will say when she wakes up.

I don’t feel able to go without the DCs; they’re 11 and 12 and have been looking forward to seeing the rest of the family for months. I know that probably sounds a bit odd, but they obviously want to see their granny even though it’s a sad occasion. I worry that I’d scar them for life if I went without them (only half joking). The stupid thing is (I don’t know if I explained it properly) DD2 could go, she is not Australian and now has a tourist visa. DD1 is dual Aussie/Brit and has no Australian passport. Mum fail!

OP posts:
anxiouslemons · 08/04/2023 20:55

Sorry for your loss Op but Honestly I don't understand why you don't go now and take the girls another time. It's for your fathers funeral, you will regret not going and the girls are (should be) old enough to understand the importance of you attending your fathers funeral.

MirrorSignal1 · 08/04/2023 20:57

OP. So sorry for your loss. Losing a dear Dad is devastating whatever his age or yours and whereever you both are in the world. I think it would really help u to go and be with your family so you can grieve together. If you have to go alone then maybe it is not a bad thing - u could organise a separate trip later with the kids.
Also I found the ETA site issued visas for British kids really quickly when I last used it, they popped up within 10 mins or so ( was a few years ago though). Are you definitely on the right site? I only ask because there are often fake sites and when you are grieving it is hard to think straight. https://immi.homeaffairs.gov.au/visas/getting-a-visa/visa-listing/electronic-travel-authority-601

Immigration and citizenship Website

Find out about Australian visas, immigration and citizenship.

https://immi.homeaffairs.gov.au/visas/getting-a-visa/visa-listing/electronic-travel-authority-601

matis · 08/04/2023 20:59

If I was you I'd go in my own and take the girls at another time.

Again. I'm sorry for your loss.

MirrorSignal1 · 08/04/2023 20:59

Sorry. Looks like post about ETA site is not relevant.

Original poster
SillyMe101 · 08/04/2023 21:04

MirrorSignal1 · 08/04/2023 20:59

Sorry. Looks like post about ETA site is not relevant.

The ETA for the British kid came through immediately. The dual national’s one hasn’t yet. Presumably because she isn’t elegible 😬

OP posts:
Original poster
SillyMe101 · 08/04/2023 21:10

anxiouslemons · 08/04/2023 20:55

Sorry for your loss Op but Honestly I don't understand why you don't go now and take the girls another time. It's for your fathers funeral, you will regret not going and the girls are (should be) old enough to understand the importance of you attending your fathers funeral.

Thank you. It’s been quite a day. You may well be right. I’ll talk it through with my mother in the morning (her time).

I really appreciate the feedback here. I’m glad I posted. A bit of sympathy from strangers has just helped me to get things straight in my head a little and also made me cry. I’m a classic ‘coper’ and fixer. I realised tonight that my two most-used phrases are “Oh well, nobody’s died,” and, “We haven’t got a plane to catch” (this to reassure kids who are panicking over potentially running late). Neither phrase is appropriate here and I’m at a loss! 😂

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 08/04/2023 21:15

Has the funeral actually been scheduled? We held my mother’s funeral almost a month after her death because of travel issues. It was more important that everyone be able to attend than that the event be held quickly.

if it is already scheduled, you really should consider going on your own. Your children are old enough to understand that attending your father’s funeral is important and that you can take them to visit family separately.

JassyRadlett · 08/04/2023 21:22

Massive massive sympathies. I'm an Aussie in the UK too, and haven't had to navigate this yet but I know how complicated some of the emotions can be.

Another vote for a call + email to the High Commission. I Hope it all gets sorted quickly.

Craftybodger · 08/04/2023 21:26

It’s a time of huge stress. Be kind to yourself, it’s not surprising that things got missed. If you can’t get there for the funeral it can be live streamed - maybe that would allow for a longer visit during our summer holidays. But don’t give up hope, contact the embassy and ask.

magicthree · 08/04/2023 21:30

Ponderingwindow · 08/04/2023 21:15

Has the funeral actually been scheduled? We held my mother’s funeral almost a month after her death because of travel issues. It was more important that everyone be able to attend than that the event be held quickly.

if it is already scheduled, you really should consider going on your own. Your children are old enough to understand that attending your father’s funeral is important and that you can take them to visit family separately.

Both those suggestions are good. I've been to funerals which have been held later due to family being overseas, in fact I've know of one or two where people have been on holiday overseas and they have continued the holiday and the funeral service held on their return.

Otherwise, yes, go alone and take the children another time - obviously that is finances dependent of course.

I'm sorry for your loss.

whynotwhatknot · 08/04/2023 21:31

sorry for your loss and no offence but its not really a holiday is it

im sure youd all love to get together but its not the time for happy reunions-can you go for a short while and arrange a proper holiday another time