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Original poster

My father died, I can’t get there

58 replies

SillyMe101 · 08/04/2023 20:19

Sorry this is long. My father died this morning after a long illness. We were not really close, but I love him and I know that he loved me very much. He was a great dad and always did his best for us.

He lives in Australia, where I’m from. I was prepared to leave to attend his funeral. We’ve been ready for months. I’m Australian and my children are Brits. I arranged permission from their father (just a formality to show officials, he knows I’ll bring the children back.) I bought tickets. Then I realised - they need visas! My own stupid fault for overlooking it. One child’s visa came through immediately. The other’s: still waiting. She’s Australian but doesn’t have an Australian passport 🤦‍♀️ I don’t know how long it will take to get one for her. I’m sure we’re going to miss the funeral.

I’m feeling really down tonight. It’s all my fault, I was so focused on the ‘father’s permission’ side of things. We made sure their UK passport were up to date. Thankfully I was able to get the tickets refunded but we’re all sad, and the kids were so excited to go to Australia, and I just want to go and be with my mum and siblings. I feel really dumb. This all went down today!

OP posts:
AgrathaChristie · 08/04/2023 21:37

I’m so sorry for your loss. And I can quite understand how you got tangled up in the passport/ permission/ visa needed/ different visa needed melee , it sounds complicated and in a stressful time.
Although you may miss the funeral could you fly out later and arrange a memorial, celebration of your father’s life? Your mum may well appreciate your presence after the funeral as it’s often when reality hits.

justgettingthroughtheday · 08/04/2023 21:39

Could you go ahead and the children's father fly them out later?
If the funeral hasn't been scheduled yet it's unlikely to be this week? So if you get emergency passports and visas sorted at the embassy on Tuesday you could fly Wednesday?

justgettingthroughtheday · 08/04/2023 21:39

I'm really really sorry for your loss.

londonmz · 08/04/2023 21:43

I'm an Australian citizen with no Aussie passport. I have a British passport and an NZ passport and travel into Aus on the NZ passport. I take my Aus citizenship certificate but have never had an issue getting into the country. They do usually want to check I am a citizen but that only takes a few minutes at immigration (if that). I was told by the Australian border force if you are an Aus citizen they can't deny you entry to the country.

3luckystars · 08/04/2023 21:44

I’m so sorry for your loss. I also think you should go by yourself if you can’t get the visas sorted for your children tomorrow . I think being there will help you process it. You can visit with your children another time. It’s not your fault about the visas.

Original poster
SillyMe101 · 08/04/2023 21:47

whynotwhatknot · 08/04/2023 21:31

sorry for your loss and no offence but its not really a holiday is it

im sure youd all love to get together but its not the time for happy reunions-can you go for a short while and arrange a proper holiday another time

I’m not exactly ‘offended’ but your family is welcome to do what they like; our family was looking forward to seeing each other again after a long enforced separation due to Covid restrictions and serious illness.

Travelling to and from Australia is quite an undertaking due to both the time difference and the minimum of 20 hours travel time from takeoff to final touchdown; it’s really not something you would do for “a short time”. Anyway you do you but this is how my family does it.

OP posts:
anyolddinosaur · 08/04/2023 21:50

I'm sorry for your loss.

Normally people hold it together for the funeral and then everyone leaves and the reality hits. It may actually be better for your family if you arrive a little later.

Original poster
SillyMe101 · 08/04/2023 21:51

londonmz · 08/04/2023 21:43

I'm an Australian citizen with no Aussie passport. I have a British passport and an NZ passport and travel into Aus on the NZ passport. I take my Aus citizenship certificate but have never had an issue getting into the country. They do usually want to check I am a citizen but that only takes a few minutes at immigration (if that). I was told by the Australian border force if you are an Aus citizen they can't deny you entry to the country.

Legend. Do the airlines ever give you trouble? That’s my main concern. I have DD1’s citizenship certificate. I had read on the Australian immigration site that you could go without a passport but might have trouble flying/proving it.

Kiwis don’t need to apply for an ETA though so there’s that.

OP posts:
Beantag · 08/04/2023 21:56

Reading the responses has made me realise that I kinda don’t feel like I have the ‘right’ to be sad about my father dying, because he wasn’t young and it wasn’t unexpected

Its normal to be sad OP, losing a parent is hard. I lost my dad last year, logically he lived a happy and fulfilling life, he wasn't old but he was a decent age and until his stroke had never had any health problems. He saw me graduate, he walked me down the aisle, held my son and had many brews in my own home. Very blessed and realise many people miss out on all of that; but I was still heartbroken and still miss him every single day.

In regards to your predicament, can you go alone to be with your family and then arrange an actual holiday, as in, plan nice stuff for the future?

PoBaFla · 08/04/2023 22:06

I'm so sorry for your loss. It must be so hard being at the other side of the world at this sad time Flowers
Has the funeral been arranged yet? It's not unusual to delay a funeral by a couple weeks to allow a close family member to get there.
That might buy you enjoy time. But otherwise I'd go myself. It's your dad after all

PoBaFla · 08/04/2023 22:07

enough time not enjoy time!

londonmz · 08/04/2023 22:18

SillyMe101 · 08/04/2023 21:51

Legend. Do the airlines ever give you trouble? That’s my main concern. I have DD1’s citizenship certificate. I had read on the Australian immigration site that you could go without a passport but might have trouble flying/proving it.

Kiwis don’t need to apply for an ETA though so there’s that.

Show quote history

Nothing major. There was one instance where an airline questioned it at check in but once I could show my citizenship certificate, they made a call to border force and it was all resolved. My entire family don't have aussie passports (there are 4 of us) and none of us have ever had any major issues with airlines or getting in and out of Aus over the past 20+ years. Some questions pop up and I've had some border force agents try and throw their weight around but I've also had other agents agree that there isn't much point in having an Aus passport as I only go back every few years!

I really hope you get home to say goodbye, I will be in a similar position at some point in the future and its an upsetting enough thought without having to worry about all the unnecessary red tape that Australia seems to like for no reason.

whynotwhatknot · 08/04/2023 22:24

SillyMe101 · 08/04/2023 21:47

I’m not exactly ‘offended’ but your family is welcome to do what they like; our family was looking forward to seeing each other again after a long enforced separation due to Covid restrictions and serious illness.

Travelling to and from Australia is quite an undertaking due to both the time difference and the minimum of 20 hours travel time from takeoff to final touchdown; it’s really not something you would do for “a short time”. Anyway you do you but this is how my family does it.

Show quote history

sorry if i upset you-hope you get to the funeral

BananasinPyhamas · 08/04/2023 22:27

londonmz · 08/04/2023 22:18

Nothing major. There was one instance where an airline questioned it at check in but once I could show my citizenship certificate, they made a call to border force and it was all resolved. My entire family don't have aussie passports (there are 4 of us) and none of us have ever had any major issues with airlines or getting in and out of Aus over the past 20+ years. Some questions pop up and I've had some border force agents try and throw their weight around but I've also had other agents agree that there isn't much point in having an Aus passport as I only go back every few years!

I really hope you get home to say goodbye, I will be in a similar position at some point in the future and its an upsetting enough thought without having to worry about all the unnecessary red tape that Australia seems to like for no reason.

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Oh op! I hope you rebook your flights and go now you've read this
The power of mumsnet.

TeeBee · 08/04/2023 22:32

The other option is to try and link into the funeral via zoom (or whatever platform the funeral establishment use) then take the girls out when the passports are sorted to support your mum when all the well wishers have trundled home. Sorry for the loss of your dad.

Mariposista · 08/04/2023 22:48

FlowerFlour · 08/04/2023 20:42

That sucks.

Can you go and leave the children here with their dad? It's not ideal, I'm sure they'd want to be around their Australian family too, but it's your dad so you should go if you can.

I totally agree with this. It’s hardly a holiday and the kids surely would miss so much school by going round the world (not something that can be done in a couple of days). You need to be with your mum and siblings and attend your dad’s funeral.
So so sorry for your loss. I lost my gran last week too and I am beyond sad.

KillingMeDeftly · 08/04/2023 23:19

There used to be something called an "undocumented uplift" which meant Australian citizens could enter Australia without an Australian passport as long as they could prove their citizenship. I'm not sure if that's still in place though.

FinallyHere · 09/04/2023 09:19

So sorry for your loss @SillyMe101

Its exactly at times like these that having your family spread across the globe really is so, so difficult.

Whatever else you are doing, when you read this ... stop.

Take a deep breath and release it all slowly. And again. Take a moment to notice your surrounding.

Go easy on yourself. Sending you unMumsnetty {{{hugs}}}

BananasinPyhamas · 09/04/2023 19:40

@SillyMe101 did you go?! I'm so invested. Good luck.

Viviennemary · 09/04/2023 19:43

Simplest solutuion is to leave your DD's at home with their Dad and go by yourself.

Original poster
SillyMe101 · 09/04/2023 20:37

BananasinPyhamas · 09/04/2023 19:40

@SillyMe101 did you go?! I'm so invested. Good luck.

Oh thanks for checking in, how sweet. Yes as PPs said, flying without an Australian passport but with proof of nationality is apparently very much a thing! We are meant to be leaving in the morning, all going well. I really appreciated the kind words here last night. I think my family would rather see the DDs than me, so leaving them behind was never really an option. I’m not thrilled about them missing school but we got special permission to take them out for longer due to the circumstances.

Thank you all and sorry for being a bit snippy @whynotwhatknot 💐

OP posts:
BananasinPyhamas · 09/04/2023 20:39

SillyMe101 · 09/04/2023 20:37

Oh thanks for checking in, how sweet. Yes as PPs said, flying without an Australian passport but with proof of nationality is apparently very much a thing! We are meant to be leaving in the morning, all going well. I really appreciated the kind words here last night. I think my family would rather see the DDs than me, so leaving them behind was never really an option. I’m not thrilled about them missing school but we got special permission to take them out for longer due to the circumstances.

Thank you all and sorry for being a bit snippy @whynotwhatknot 💐

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🥳🥳🥳🥳 I'm so pleased for you and your daughters. Sorry for your loss too though.

Original poster
SillyMe101 · 09/04/2023 20:48

Thank you @BananasinPyhamas! Of course I’m outrageously stressed about tomorrow but I’m sure it will all work out ok in the end. It’s bad enough preparing for a flight, now I’m worried about all the forms to take DCs out of the UK without their father, and the passport thing on top of that 😅. @FinallyHere ’s little mindfulness exercise earlier was lovely, I’ll need to do that a few more times I think!

OP posts:
whynotwhatknot · 09/04/2023 20:52

SillyMe101 · 09/04/2023 20:37

Oh thanks for checking in, how sweet. Yes as PPs said, flying without an Australian passport but with proof of nationality is apparently very much a thing! We are meant to be leaving in the morning, all going well. I really appreciated the kind words here last night. I think my family would rather see the DDs than me, so leaving them behind was never really an option. I’m not thrilled about them missing school but we got special permission to take them out for longer due to the circumstances.

Thank you all and sorry for being a bit snippy @whynotwhatknot 💐

Show quote history

not at all hope it goes ok for you

KillingMeDeftly · 09/04/2023 20:56

Just make sure you get to the airport well in time @SillyMe101 and you'll be fine. Good luck.