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Original poster

Son 22 having girlfriend over at my house a lot

48 replies

Velvetrevolution · 07/04/2023 18:53

Getting a bit annoyed the amount of time my son’s girlfriend is spending here (he’s 22). I try to limit it to a couple of nights a week, but can be difficult. They just spend all the time in his room, rarely talk to me or contribute anything to the house. Meanwhile I’m looking after 2 younger children on my own, working, feeding everyone etc. Have had days where I work a full day, end up coming back, bringing them all take away etc. My son doesn’t contribute anything himself in terms of housework. He has Aspergers. He finished BSc in Computing this summer. Has anyone got their teenage sons to be more useful//respectful?

OP posts:
ssd · 07/04/2023 18:59

Yes.
But i don't resent mine.

DachshundsThroughTheSnow · 07/04/2023 19:01

I think if you have a 22 year old living at home (an adult..), then you kind of have to expect that they will likely have there partners round. If their not contributing then your need to put boundaries in place…

DachshundsThroughTheSnow · 07/04/2023 19:03

*their 🤷‍♀️

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Mumma · 07/04/2023 19:03

My parents always had my partners over and i often stayed at theirs. It felt nice to be accepted. Never an issue.

StillWantingADog · 07/04/2023 19:06

At that age I think having partners over is normal but Aspergers or not, there is no excuse for not contributing to housework etc.

Also is your ds looking for a job? It’s time for him to start contributing financially albeit modestly. Otherwise what motivation does he have to get a job? It sounds like he has no bills to pay and is fully fed and boarded.

Riverlee · 07/04/2023 19:07

The gf is a slight red herring here. What you are annoyed about is that your son is a lazy.

i have a similar aged (working) son. He won’t automatically clean the bathrooms etc, but I ensure he has chores to do each week. He also cooks in the evening for him and dh when I’m at work, plus Sunday roast. Plus he’ll hoover, put the bin out when asked (although often reluctantly).

if you what to step up, you need to start changing the narrative and get him involved.

Original poster
Velvetrevolution · 07/04/2023 19:36

I’m pleased he has a girlfriend, but a bit annoyed about the lack of contributions and general lying around. A house, food, electricity etc doesn’t pay for itself.

OP posts:
OriginalUsername2 · 07/04/2023 19:51

You have to set expectations. It does usually take a while to assess and figure out what you need, as you can’t foresee what will be annoying. It’s time to have a chat with them and set out the rules you want them to follow.

Riverlee · 07/04/2023 19:54

You say he is finishing his degree so he’s been at uni for the last few years. How has he funded this? What’s changed now?

You also mention other children. Do you live with their father, or is he contributing?

Has having the gf highlighted how little he does? Has he got more demanding? If he’s done nothing previously, or wasn’t expected to help in the past, then you can’t really expect him to wake up one morning and suddenly contribute. It would be nice if it happens, but that doesn’t usually happen.

TomatoSandwiches · 07/04/2023 19:56

He needs things spelling out for him, do it calmly because he probably doesn't realise how stressful his lack of contributing is for you and you are the adult who has let things fester and boil over.

Original poster
Velvetrevolution · 07/04/2023 20:59

Yes, well don’t think he has a clue how stressful being a single mum to 3 kids is!
And running a house and working and generally adulting. I’ve funded his time at uni, not been too bad as he’s at home, and fees paid.

OP posts:
Inca22 · 07/04/2023 22:12

You're his parent - that's what you're supposed to do?!

pavillion1 · 07/04/2023 23:04

Inca22 · 07/04/2023 22:12

You're his parent - that's what you're supposed to do?!

really unhelpful .

Onthegejdj · 07/04/2023 23:07

Velvetrevolution · 07/04/2023 20:59

Yes, well don’t think he has a clue how stressful being a single mum to 3 kids is!
And running a house and working and generally adulting. I’ve funded his time at uni, not been too bad as he’s at home, and fees paid.

He should be contributing to the running of the household, but it’s not his fault you’re a single mother to three and he isn’t.

Wedoronron · 07/04/2023 23:11

My son has ASD and without clear direction wouldn't clock that he needed to cook, clean etc. He is 17 and has been told he had to cook once a week for the family, wash up every day, hoover once a week, do his own washing. He does now but took a while to instill.

Phoebo · 07/04/2023 23:22

It's not his fault you have younger kids and housework to do. Give him a few chores and let him get on with his life. He's 22 of course he's going to be hanging out with his friends and girlfriend

Whenharrymetsmelly · 07/04/2023 23:23

Velvetrevolution · 07/04/2023 19:36

I’m pleased he has a girlfriend, but a bit annoyed about the lack of contributions and general lying around. A house, food, electricity etc doesn’t pay for itself.

Well your the parent, tell him! Most husbands don't just do things so a 22 certainly won't. Do his future partner a favour and prepare him for adult life

TreesandFish · 07/04/2023 23:28

Velvetrevolution · 07/04/2023 20:59

Yes, well don’t think he has a clue how stressful being a single mum to 3 kids is!
And running a house and working and generally adulting. I’ve funded his time at uni, not been too bad as he’s at home, and fees paid.

Why doesn't he have a clue? Have you hidden the reality from him? My son is just a bit younger than yours and I've always shared this information with him. If I can't afford something or I need him to help out, I just tell him

Luredbyapomegranate · 07/04/2023 23:28

It’s his house too.

But you are the boss, so set some boundaries and rules about what he should contribute. More about I want you to do more, rather than bring your gf round less

snitzelvoncrumb · 07/04/2023 23:33

You need to set some ground rules. But remember he is 22 and not responsible for the other children. I would suggest something like gf can stay over Friday and Saturday nights. He has to cook dinner for everyone once a week. Own laundry. Does gardening if applicable, or maybe cleaning kitchen once a week.

Boojabooj · 07/04/2023 23:49

‘ASD’ is meaningless here. Everyone is different. DP also has ASD and we never sit around at his house, we’re at least doing the washing up/laying the table if his mum cooks.

Now that’s he’s an adult you need to set some ground rules. Have a chore chart. He needs to get a job and start contributing. As I don’t know how exactly his ASD manifests I can’t suggest how you communicate this. but you know what makes him tick. If all else fails then you might have to get him to move out - a month in his own place having to pay rent and bills might drive the point home.

Boojabooj · 07/04/2023 23:50

Also OP why are you bringing them all takeaway?
Since GF is your sons guest he should be solely responsible for her. He can feed them both. If they’re acting on their ‘own schedukes’ and not part of the family anyway.

Deathbyfluffy · 07/04/2023 23:54

Whenharrymetsmelly · 07/04/2023 23:23

Well your the parent, tell him! Most husbands don't just do things so a 22 certainly won't. Do his future partner a favour and prepare him for adult life

Show quote history

Crap husbands don’t, but plenty do help without needing to be asked.
I certainly do my fair share and have never needed to be asked 😏

MeinKraft · 07/04/2023 23:57

Look you need to tell him, he's not a mind reader. She'll end up moving in by stealth if you don't communicate with them.

Jarstastic · 08/04/2023 11:17

Inca22 · 07/04/2023 22:12

You're his parent - that's what you're supposed to do?!

Few students have their university fees paid for by their parents.

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