Son 22 having girlfriend over at my house a lot

[Velvetrevolution]

Getting a bit annoyed the amount of time my son’s girlfriend is spending here (he’s 22). I try to limit it to a couple of nights a week, but can be difficult. They just spend all the time in his room, rarely talk to me or contribute anything to the house. Meanwhile I’m looking after 2 younger children on my own, working, feeding everyone etc. Have had days where I work a full day, end up coming back, bringing them all take away etc. My son doesn’t contribute anything himself in terms of housework. He has Aspergers. He finished BSc in Computing this summer. Has anyone got their teenage sons to be more useful//respectful?

When my boys are older I will happy if they choose to spend time here.

You being a single mum isn't his problem and he shouldn't have to understand how hard that is.

But he should be contributing. If he's not paying some rent and helping with cooking etc then I'd say that's probably your own fault for not encouraging this from a young age.

I imagine being a single mum is very tough. I find it hard working part time with a husband helping but ultimately its not his fault you're in that situation and I get the sense you expect him to be picking up the slack from the absent father(s)

When I said I was parent to 3, I was including the 22 year old, as he’s not particularly independent. My middle son is extremely independent, but he doesn’t have ASD. I think you’d have more sympathy for me if you actually saw the situation, it just seems a bit odd they never come downstairs and it’s certainly not how I behaved when I was younger, though I left home to go to Uni at 17. One of my visiting kid’s friends currently moaning about it. She’s been here 2 days and barely been out of room once.

He needs to help more but if they are in his room all the time how is she creating a problem?

The fact you are a single parent is not his fault

There is probably a long list of things you have not put we we wouldn't know that

What have you done to instill independence? Why are you still including him as one of your 'children'.
He's a grown arsed man that you are babying and then getting resentful about it.
Does he have any income at all? Firstly I would be insisting that he got himself a job (any job to pay his way!) and giving him a list of weekly jobs around the house that he needs to do.
He needs to cook and feed himself, do his own laundry and keep on top of his room.
He is only this way because you allow it.

I’d install the boyfriend rule; she can stay over the same number of nights each week that he spends at hers. The worst case is then she is over three nights, and that gives you three less-crowded-house nights.

I’d also look at a chores chart or similar, so it’s explicitly clear what is expected of him and what he needs to be doing. This will help manage expectations for the other children as to what they need to be doing as they’re becoming young adults.

Well actually I’ve told him till I’m blue in the face, and modelled hard working behaviour. My kids dad died. I feel his ASD makes it harder for him to be independent, help with installing independence welcomed, but a bit fed up with parent blaming.

Tell him he needs to get a job. There are loads available in the service industry. And if he wants visitors around, he needs to do household chores for them and contribute towards their bills, such as for food.
That's just expected behaviour, isn't it, when your an adult? Do your share and pay your way.

It's clear you're a hard worker but he's ignoring you because he's got a pretty nice life there. If he respected you, he'd pay his way. So make him go out to work. What sort of girlfriends wants a boyfriend who doesnt work and has no money?

I think the hiding away in the bedroom is fairly normal- certainly that’s what I and my boyfriend tended to do when I was that age. It feels awkward to take up space in the living room in someone else’s house.

Hi,

I would say though it's hard, especially now he's in his twenties consider treating him and thinking of him more like a man as opposed to your teenager.

This worked for my brother (whom has autism and is now 21) he started paying rent out of his disability money and shortly after he decided to get a job. (Even if it's a small amount, requesting rent helps with responsibilities or even board to contribute to food) He has had the responsibility of paying rent ever since and we have seen a great improvement in his independence and confidence. I hope this helps xx

Is he looking for work? I'd be wanting him contributing to the household, even if it's just a minimum wage job while he looks for something in his field or plans postgrad study. My eldest is 25, asperger's, BSc in computer systems engineering. He did a placement year as an undergrad and went back and worked there after he'd finished his degree.

Ah reminds me of being 22 and spending pretty much every night holed up in my boyfriend's (now husband) bedroom at his parents house. Looking back now I can see how unsociable we were but we were totally in our own bubble at the time. These days I'm a wonderful daughter in law and spend loads of time with his mother!

You're being a doormat, op. Your son is an adult and it's time to lay down some rule. He needs a job, he must contribute x amount a month, he must do his own laundry and other chores, and his girlfriend may visit once a week. If he doesn't like it he can move out.

But OP, how exactly does his ASD make it harder? What are his specific issues?
Is it PDA? Him not realising the impact?
What would happen if you stopped doing any of his laundry or cooking? What would happen if you told him to move out and find a room in a shared house?
Have you given him consequences?

ASD is such a wide spectrum, and it's not true that 'NT' techniques like forcing responsibility will definitely not work. And it doesn't mean that people can't be immature and irresponsible. Nobody here can advise without knowing your son's specific profile.

Op is there any aspect of you enabling him to be a bit lazy?

Eg does he have a job, if now how is he affording to do anything or have a phone etc? If he does then I think you can start Charging him some keep (and his GF if she is there more than a couple of nights a week).

I wonder if you simply tell him there are things you are going to stop doing that he needs to pick up doing. Not all at once but maybe one thing at a time. For example- tell him you can’t afford to feed an extra person so when his girlfriend is here they will need to feed themselves and make their own meals.

can you not speak to him and put a cap on the amount of time she spends there?

I like the idea that my kids will have their friends and partners over when they are older. But I imagine in reality it is frustrating if you end up just running about after an extra person, making more dinner etc.

It's not parent blaming to say you haven't helped yourself OP.
I was pregnant and living independently with my partner at your sons age so I would suggest allowing him to live like a teenager is doing him no favours.
I did give you some advice in my post before but in case you missed it, it is as follows:
Firstly I would be insisting that he got himself a job (any job to pay his way!) and giving him a list of weekly jobs around the house that he needs to do.
He needs to cook and feed himself, do his own laundry and keep on top of his room.

A wipeboard with a list of days on it they / he has to do. A list of ingredients they / he can use to cook tea for all the family. If they / he don't do it, them them to get their own place!

I also think it’s pretty typical for dc to live in their rooms nowadays. Mine habinates up there and appears for meals.

Partners staying is normal, give them cooking days and a chores list.

He’s not a teenager. He’s 22. And yes, when my BF (at the time) and I lived at home after uni at that age, we spent a lot of time at each other’s houses. We almost always cooked our own meals though or got a takeaway, and did our own washing. You could start charging him rent and stop doing washing and cooking. They’re adults and able to sort out their own clothes and food.

I moved out of home at 17 myself, by 22 I had my own flat and had a career! So I guess I’m just not used to this way of behaving. Anyway, my son has a lot of processing difficulties and dyspraxia. He should be looking for a job, but he wants to focus on his BSc first.

Christ, you sound a joy to be around!

It absolutely is normal !!