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Original poster

How irritating would you find this…?

48 replies

sammylady37 · 07/04/2023 14:59

I have a relatively new friend, who, given the slightest opportunity, would text incessantly. I’m not an incessant texted, nor even a very frequent one, particularly with someone I don’t know very well. I’ve tried to gently set some boundaries such as by ending a conversation saying “really busy few days ahead, I’ll message you at the weekend” or done such, by delaying replying, by sending perfunctory replies/acknowledgments to messages etc, but the message seems not to be getting through. There’s a definite neediness there.

A recent example is that after having spent a few hours together, I was meeting another friend for dinner, and the first friend knew this. Midway through dinner, I got a text which said “no need reply til you’re home but…”, which really irritated me as firstly, I don’t need permission to not reply immediately and secondly, texting (inane nonsense) knowing that I’m out for dinner is intrusive. (As it happens, I didn’t even read the message til I was home, as I’m not someone who checks my phone while out with friends)

Anyhow, at the moment I’m abroad on holidays. I have plans to meet this new friend on Monday. We arranged this weeks ago and I specifically said I was away all this week and suggested next Monday. We messaged last weekend to confirm, and I put in a gentle reminder that I’m away on holidays, and I got a reply along the lines of “enjoy your break”, to which I said thanks, and that I would message when back. Next day I got a text “safe travelling whenever you are going”, and on Wednesday “hope you’re having a great time”. Today, I’ve received “I hope you’ll be back for Monday because I’m really looking forward to it”. That last one in particular has really wound me up… of course I’ll be back for Monday, I’m an adult and I know my travel plans and I wouldn’t have made arrangements to meet Monday if I was going to be in a different fucking country. It all seems a bit needy and intrusive and somewhat stifling to me.

To preempt some inevitable comments, yes I know I’m an adult and I could just say that I find it a bit much; yes I do actually like this person in general; no I’m not particularly precious and if this contact was from other more established friends I’d not be as bothered and finally yes it’s trivial but I honestly feel like screaming at the phone sometimes when I get the notification!

OP posts:
bumblebeees · 07/04/2023 15:14

Bin her off

bussteward · 07/04/2023 15:16

Put her on mute - make your plans to meet then mute til you see her.

maddy68 · 07/04/2023 15:19

Just don't reply Put her on mute while you are away. Reply when you get back

CurlewKate · 07/04/2023 15:34

So a message every couple of days? Hardly seems excessive! Just ignore. Reply when you feel like it. It's a text message, not a ring on your doorbell!

SummerInSun · 07/04/2023 15:38

I suspect she's lonely. Either that or her other friends have a completely different way of communicating. I think k you should just text as and when you want to. As you say, the grown up thing to do would be to say to her something like "I really enjoy your company but what I like to do is have proper face to face conversations; I'm not that in to texting." Or words to that effect.

Original poster
sammylady37 · 07/04/2023 16:37

Agreed, loneliness is the driver behind it. But I can’t take on a big part in her life at the moment, nor do I want to.

OP posts:
Original poster
sammylady37 · 07/04/2023 16:40

CurlewKate · 07/04/2023 15:34

So a message every couple of days? Hardly seems excessive! Just ignore. Reply when you feel like it. It's a text message, not a ring on your doorbell!

No, as clearly stated in my post the big irritant today was the content, “I hope you’ll be back for Monday” as if I was likely to have made plans I knew I couldn’t keep. On a background of repeated minor irritations and intrusions, it was the straw that broke the camel’s back

OP posts:
Miriam101 · 07/04/2023 16:57

Argh this would do my head in. I would probably do what youv'e been doing but if that doesn't work I would leave longer and longer between replies and just leave some unanswered: if she then asks you in person why you didn't respond or something, that gives you an opportunity to say "oh I'm rubbish at texting I really hate it" or something- then hopefully she'll (no pun intended) get the message

junebirthdaygirl · 07/04/2023 17:05

You need to be careful as she could start to demand more and more of your time as well as the messaging. I had this experience and to be honest had to completely phase her out as l was getting stressed. Now l would run a mile if l saw her coming. It's unfortunate as l, like you, was completely happy to catch up every now and then but the incessant contact drove me the other way.

Brefugee · 07/04/2023 17:09

you sound as though you want to stay friends so, just carry on. Ignore the texts or put her on mute until you want to see if she's messaged.

You can keep telling her that her texting is intrusive, but to be fair (as with the meal) she did say "no need to answer until you get back"
That seems to have got your back up, but she is probably imagining that you're like her and check constantly and feel obliged to reply immediately. That's not really intrusive is it, since you didn't see it anyway.

If it really bugs you, and you know she won't change, and you don't want to ignore/mute. You'll have to bin her off. Tell her why so she can know for the next friend she makes.

CurlewKate · 07/04/2023 17:20

@sammylady37 <shrugs> Turn notifications off for her messages. And maybe think why you find perfectly ordinary social interaction so very stressful.

Original poster
sammylady37 · 07/04/2023 17:21

You can keep telling her that her texting is intrusive, but to be fair (as with the meal) she did say "no need to answer until you get back"
That seems to have got your back up, but she is probably imagining that you're like her and check constantly and feel obliged to reply immediately. That's not really intrusive is it, since you didn't see it anyway

I guess what I found intrusive about it was that I had literally spent hours, most of the day in fact, with her, where she had my undivided attention, yet she still later felt the need to text me knowing I was out with someone else and expected me to read her text while out with someone.

Similarly, this week, she knows I’m abroad, we’ve had the ‘safe travels, have a great time/ I can’t wait to switch off, chat next weekend’ convo and yet she’s been texting every second day.

Thanks to all who responded, btw.

OP posts:
Original poster
sammylady37 · 07/04/2023 17:24

CurlewKate · 07/04/2023 17:20

@sammylady37 <shrugs> Turn notifications off for her messages. And maybe think why you find perfectly ordinary social interaction so very stressful.

Nowhere did I say it was ‘very stressful’, I described it as irritating.

OP posts:
RestingMurderousFace · 07/04/2023 17:25

Aww I feel sorry for her, she's obviously a lonely soul. Saying that, the incessant texts would irritate the nips off me too! Hate too many texts, they feel intrusive and demanding.

FootnerFanatic · 07/04/2023 17:36

You say you've tried to set boundaries, do you stick to them? When you tell her that you've got a busy couple of days ahead and will give her a shout at the weekend you need to stick to that, even if she texts again in between times. Don't even acknowledgement her until when you said you would. It's sad for her that she's so needy of your time but she also needs to understand that you're not at her beck and call.

Brefugee · 07/04/2023 18:07

when you tell her "i have a busy couple of days" you mean "so don't text me" but she just understands "ok, so i won't get replies" and carries on as usual.

So again, you have to either use the actual words - or mute/ignore. The ball is in your court. Of the two of you i think you're the slightly more annoying because you're checking the texts and letting it get to you. She's not expecting an immediate reply.

Original poster
sammylady37 · 07/04/2023 18:32

You say you've tried to set boundaries, do you stick to them?

mostly, though I know I should do it all the time. Mostly I ignore the texts, sometimes I do a perfunctory thumbs up reaction.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 07/04/2023 18:41

I’d block her when you know you don’t need to check in then unblock her til Monday. I do it with my boss 😳Had to have a very clear chat with her re contact outside of work. We don’t socialise outside of work.

ExtremelyDetermined · 07/04/2023 18:54

It wouldn't bother me in the slightest, but if it is I think you should just mute her.

After spending the day with someone I think it is quite normal to exchange a message or two, you often think of something else about whatever it was you were talking about and want to say before you forget again.

Mumma · 07/04/2023 19:02

Wow you sound like a mean friend! She would be better off befriending someone who wants to talk to her and isn't just a friend on their own terms!

InSpainTheRain · 07/04/2023 19:07

Just stop replying immediately, leave it a few days, for example don't reply whilst on holiday. She won't continue to chat with herself forever.

februarysunset · 07/04/2023 19:09

I have a friend like this. I told her the truth, which is that I find her messages overwhelming, and she took it well. She said she's just a frequent communicator and she wouldn't take it personally if I didn't reply every time. She also dialled down the comms a bit.

I think you've got nothing to lose by gently pointing out that it's too much!

Schnooze · 07/04/2023 19:13

Next time you see her, just say sorry if I ignore your texts. Always busy and don’t get round to answering. Tinkly laugh. Then from then on only answer when you want to.

CurlewKate · 07/04/2023 19:18

@sammylady37 I'm sorry-I should!4 have said you found it very stressful. But feeling like "screaming at the phone" and being "really wound up" does sound as if you're pretty stressed!

Tidsleytiddy · 07/04/2023 19:25

junebirthdaygirl · 07/04/2023 17:05

You need to be careful as she could start to demand more and more of your time as well as the messaging. I had this experience and to be honest had to completely phase her out as l was getting stressed. Now l would run a mile if l saw her coming. It's unfortunate as l, like you, was completely happy to catch up every now and then but the incessant contact drove me the other way.

Yep, same. Wouldn’t/couldn’t leave me alone. Tried to take control and set boundaries eg “so I’ll see you next Friday” to which she would reply “don’t worry I’ll text you before then”. I didn’t want to keep hearing from her. It was suffocating so now I’ve had to go no contact or be driven insane by the relentless hounding

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