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Original poster

How irritating would you find this…?

48 replies

sammylady37 · 07/04/2023 14:59

I have a relatively new friend, who, given the slightest opportunity, would text incessantly. I’m not an incessant texted, nor even a very frequent one, particularly with someone I don’t know very well. I’ve tried to gently set some boundaries such as by ending a conversation saying “really busy few days ahead, I’ll message you at the weekend” or done such, by delaying replying, by sending perfunctory replies/acknowledgments to messages etc, but the message seems not to be getting through. There’s a definite neediness there.

A recent example is that after having spent a few hours together, I was meeting another friend for dinner, and the first friend knew this. Midway through dinner, I got a text which said “no need reply til you’re home but…”, which really irritated me as firstly, I don’t need permission to not reply immediately and secondly, texting (inane nonsense) knowing that I’m out for dinner is intrusive. (As it happens, I didn’t even read the message til I was home, as I’m not someone who checks my phone while out with friends)

Anyhow, at the moment I’m abroad on holidays. I have plans to meet this new friend on Monday. We arranged this weeks ago and I specifically said I was away all this week and suggested next Monday. We messaged last weekend to confirm, and I put in a gentle reminder that I’m away on holidays, and I got a reply along the lines of “enjoy your break”, to which I said thanks, and that I would message when back. Next day I got a text “safe travelling whenever you are going”, and on Wednesday “hope you’re having a great time”. Today, I’ve received “I hope you’ll be back for Monday because I’m really looking forward to it”. That last one in particular has really wound me up… of course I’ll be back for Monday, I’m an adult and I know my travel plans and I wouldn’t have made arrangements to meet Monday if I was going to be in a different fucking country. It all seems a bit needy and intrusive and somewhat stifling to me.

To preempt some inevitable comments, yes I know I’m an adult and I could just say that I find it a bit much; yes I do actually like this person in general; no I’m not particularly precious and if this contact was from other more established friends I’d not be as bothered and finally yes it’s trivial but I honestly feel like screaming at the phone sometimes when I get the notification!

OP posts:

TellHimDirectlyInDetail · 07/04/2023 19:28

She's not taking the hint why not tell her:

I'm glad that we've made friends. I want to be open with you... I am finding it stressful that you message me a lot. I know that you don't mind me replying after a while but I still feel pressured to receive lots of messages from you. I'm much better at face to face communication and I am looking forward to a proper catch up when we meet on X.

Viviennemary · 07/04/2023 19:34

She sounds quite lonely. Just reply with one wotd answers like ok. But if it gets too much just ignore and reply a couple of days later.

Mendholeai · 07/04/2023 19:36

I have friends who do this. If I am busy I leave on unread and have a stealth read to check it isn’t urgent.

WunWun · 07/04/2023 19:43

I wouldn't acknowledge or reply while you're away...

embarrassed23 · 07/04/2023 19:48

I have a friend like this too. When I went on holiday I had to say to her basically that I don't like to text while I'm on holiday as I like to relax and not look at my phone much so I will not be texting you or anyone this week. The rest of the time in normal life if I'm busy I just don't reply to her messages and sometimes she still texts me repeatedly about different things so they build up but I just reply when I'm ready. Luckily she understands I have a lot going on so doesn't seem to hold it against me!

EasterBunnyy · 07/04/2023 19:52

Could you use an app such as Messenger or WhatsApp that you don’t use for any other friends and then just check it once a week?

Original poster

sammylady37 · 07/04/2023 20:20

I think I’m going to woman up and tell her it’s too much. I ignored today’s one about me being back for Monday, and I’ve had two further messages - one saying “hope you’re enjoying yourself” and the second “hi from me”… the inanity of the second one is particularly annoying. (I haven’t properly ‘read’ either message, just looked at the preview on my lock screen so she won’t have blue ticks, but the repeated texting today after I read and ignored the first really feels like she’s jumping up and down to get my attention 🙄 When I talk to her I’ll use a combo of messages suggested here, essentially saying it’s a bit overwhelming and that I don’t like communicating by text/phone. If she doesn’t take the hint after that I’ll have to resort to more drastic measures!

Thanks all for the responses and for indulging me as I vented!

OP posts:

humancalculator · 07/04/2023 21:34

I understand your irritation! Sometimes, though, it is really just a question of very different communication styles. I remember being driven mad by a colleague who would leave me voicemails rather than sending emails - as I can read an email in a tiny fraction of the time that it takes to listen to a damn voicemail. But I was once with her when she got an email from another colleague and she was so exasperated: “why don’t people just leave voicemails!” Why indeed.

WhatToDoNowñ · 07/04/2023 21:38

sammylady37 · 07/04/2023 16:40

No, as clearly stated in my post the big irritant today was the content, “I hope you’ll be back for Monday” as if I was likely to have made plans I knew I couldn’t keep. On a background of repeated minor irritations and intrusions, it was the straw that broke the camel’s back

Show quote history

I read this as she hopes you are not delayed travelling back ? As trips abroad can often have delays in transport

pictoosh · 07/04/2023 21:44

hi from me

I don't know if this is salvageable tbh. That would aggravate the crap out of me.

WandaWonder · 07/04/2023 21:51

Just reply when you want, sure I don't get her but it does not have ro be a thing

Gymnopedie · 07/04/2023 22:05

Aww I feel sorry for her, she's obviously a lonely soul

And constant neediness and checking in could actually be why. That's why I think it would be good if the OP spoke to her and said that it's too much. That they're friends not Siamese twins.

The OP says that this woman is a relatively new friend. It may be that her current texting is only the tip of where she might go in future, and that she's driven other people away. Maybe the kindest thing to do is to talk to her gently but firmly.

CurlewKate · 08/04/2023 07:40

It's impossible to avoid the irony of the OP spending significantly longer on here interacting with total strangers than it would have taken her to reply briefly to a few messages from a friend!

tinyblackcat · 08/04/2023 08:38

This sounds super annoying - can’t believe PP are suggesting it’s normal social contact.

duvetcovereddissident · 08/04/2023 08:41

just mute her, surely?

duvetcovereddissident · 08/04/2023 08:41

archive her, and just look at her messages once you have decided to.

Original poster

sammylady37 · 08/04/2023 08:45

CurlewKate · 08/04/2023 07:40

It's impossible to avoid the irony of the OP spending significantly longer on here interacting with total strangers than it would have taken her to reply briefly to a few messages from a friend!

You’ve missed the point (again). It’s not about the few seconds it would take me to reply. It’s about the irritation of messages that often have inane content, the intrusion of repetitive messaging when I’ve said I’m busy and the neediness and expectation from someone who was a stranger a mere 8 weeks ago.

OP posts:

CleaningOutMyCloset · 08/04/2023 09:26

I have a friend like this, she's lovely face to face but she won't stop fucking texting me.. I've now told her I'm a crap texter, so dont be offended if I don't text back. I now make plans with her and then I mute her. Tbh I think she's got it as she doesn't text anywhere near as much

coffeeisthebest · 08/04/2023 09:41

I had a friend like this, we got on better face to face but I didn't like the messages where she seemed to constantly need some reassurance from me or wanting to talk things through which really meant she just wanted me to agree with her. Over time I saw that the neediness of her messages was a large part of who she was and it was too much for me so we parted ways. I still feel bad about it, but I couldn't cope with it at the time and I hope she has other friends with better boundaries than me as I just constantly felt bad that I couldn't be who she wanted, and I guess the same for her.

pictoosh · 08/04/2023 15:00

CurlewKate · 08/04/2023 07:40

It's impossible to avoid the irony of the OP spending significantly longer on here interacting with total strangers than it would have taken her to reply briefly to a few messages from a friend!

Shove off. She's getting her irritation off her chest. Since when do you decide what is the best use of her time?

B0g · 08/04/2023 15:14

‘Hi from me’ fuck that. Put her on mute. And might as well tell her to stop the constant drivel, you barely know her, so nothing to lose.

CurlewKate · 08/04/2023 15:15

@pictoosh "
Shove off. She's getting her irritation off her chest. Since when do you decide what is the best use of her time?" Never. She asked for opinions.
I gave mine.

seratoninmoonbeams · 08/04/2023 15:49

Seriously, just mute the conversation and turn off your 'active' status in settings so no one ever sees if the ticks have gone blue. You won't be able to see anyone else's blue ticks either but I prefer it.

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