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Original poster

Inheritance query/ second marriage.

45 replies

3littlebeans · 05/04/2023 13:51

I think I have just lost my inheritance. I know we shouldn't expect anything etc and its completely the person's choice etc and there's nothing I can do about it..

My mum's phoned to say that my dad (they divorced a long time ago) has decided not to pass on any of grandpa's inheritance to us (he recently died leaving a fair amount.) That's his choice, and mum said "oh but they'll inherit when you die so all works out." Or something like that.

We had a truly shit childhood. My dad wouldn't spend a penny on me and I was given hand me down uniform from school etc as he didn't buy the basics. He wasn't quite right after my parents divorced and I think he resented me living there. Anyway I thought he just didnt have money when I was a teenager. I never went out or did normal teen things.

It turns out he was saving/investing and now has an amazing pension, he regularly flies abroad, skiis twice a year, eats out at posh dinners etc, has very nice cars. Such is life.

He has remarried recently and I was led to believe his house would be shared between my sister and myself if he died, and her house between her 2 children.

Mum says his plan is he thinks he will go first and will leave it all to his new wife ("she has standards of living to maintain") and then when she goes it will be split 4 ways. Well. That's never going to happen is it?! We hardly know her, she isn't going to leave 1/4 of her will to us...

I think he probably thinks it will all work out and mean she is kept in her wealth and rental income etc while she is alive..... but it wont will it?

My mum is living on benefits in council housing... and my sister and I are okay but below average earners. Its a real kick in the teeth as he wasnt a great dad but I did kind of think well at least he will leave us money.... that isn't going to happen is it?!

OP posts:
Paperbagsaremine · 05/04/2023 14:00

You're probably right, and should just proceed on the assumption you'll get nothing from him.

Original poster
3littlebeans · 05/04/2023 14:04

I completely will go on that assumption. It's just sad if that actually isn't his intention.

I think he thinks we will each get 1/4 of his combined estate - as in it isn't truly his aim to cut us out of his will. He asked mum if she didn't trust his new wife... er....

I'm not sure what to say if he brings it up - there isn't anything I can say that makes it look like I don't trust her. We've had a better relationship as adults than as he was as a parent and even a fraction of his estate would be lifechanging to us.

Suppose hes gone 10 years and she's move on - she isn't going to put us in her will.

OP posts:
Zipps · 05/04/2023 14:08

Unfortunately probably not. Your dad could sort it if he wanted to by leaving the house to you and your sister but putting in his will that your stepmum has a right to live there until death or remarriage.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

General money
GreyCarpet · 05/04/2023 14:10

Yeah it's shit.

People.think it's about the money but ti's not really. I mean, the money would always come I useful of course, but it's the disregard that hurts.

Original poster
3littlebeans · 05/04/2023 14:12

If he puts it in his will that it's ours when she dies wont her will supercede that? Especially if its say 10 years on?

If there are things he can put in his will to protect it I might suggest it if he bought it up - its a tricky relationship but I don't think he really means to disinherit us if that makes sense. In his head I imagine it makes sense for it all to "go 4 ways" when they're both gone as if she was a birth mum/ 4 kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
3littlebeans · 05/04/2023 14:15

@zipps - they don't live in my dad's house but hers. He's put money into her house for improvements but lets out "our" family home. So it could easily be sold if he passed but I guess his wife would lose the rental income.

It's a strange thing isn't it. He is so well off compared to us I think in my head I had kind of twisted it that it "made up" for some of his failures as a dad that "at least he will leave us something". Doesn't really work like that does it but it feels odd.

OP posts:
WestminsterAbbey · 05/04/2023 14:17

Honestly it may all go in care fees

Barbecuebeans · 05/04/2023 14:18

3littlebeans · 05/04/2023 14:12

If he puts it in his will that it's ours when she dies wont her will supercede that? Especially if its say 10 years on?

If there are things he can put in his will to protect it I might suggest it if he bought it up - its a tricky relationship but I don't think he really means to disinherit us if that makes sense. In his head I imagine it makes sense for it all to "go 4 ways" when they're both gone as if she was a birth mum/ 4 kids.

No. You can legally write a will that gives the surviving spouse a lifetime interest in the property but on their death, the portion of the property owned by the person who died first reverts to their children (or whoever they leave their money to). It sounds like your dad's second wife has persuaded him not to do that but to leave it all to her.

I'm so sorry. We grew up with parents who scrimped and scraped and then had a luxury lifestyle years later because they'd stashed all their money away. It's hard to take when you've had a crappy childhood.

Barbecuebeans · 05/04/2023 14:19

And it did make up for our crappy childhood a bit when they left us some cash. I'd still have preferred a nice childhood but I completely get you. It would have been a bitter blow to have been left out of the will. It was the only fair thing my parents ever did!

Zipps · 05/04/2023 14:27

He could put it in some sort of trust and she could still have the rental income or split it into three with her third being in lieu of rental income. I'm sure a solicitor would have lots of solutions if he wants to. Probably cost him appox £200. A lot of spouses have a great influence though and if she expects this and that she could make his life unbearable if she's a demanding personality.
I know someone who only got married on condition his dc were cut out of the will. Yes it's shit and pretty common with step families.

Original poster
3littlebeans · 05/04/2023 14:34

Oh. Yes he has plenty of money for solicitors, has a "wealth advisor" or something similar. He really could protect our share but he probably thinks he doesn't need to and she really isn't going to go out ofher way to share with us really. It is only natural she'd prioritise her own kids. Grrr :(

OP posts:
PizzaPastaWine · 05/04/2023 14:37

I would focus on providing for yourself later life - inheritance is not to be relied on or expected. You say you earn below average, can you change that?

It's your DFs money to do as he wishes and as hard as it sounds you just have to accept that.

Original poster
3littlebeans · 05/04/2023 14:41

Pizza - no for a variety of reasons we earn what we do.

I never said I doubted its his money to do as he wishes with - sorry if I gave that opinion. He seems to think he will be sharing his estate over all 4 children yet in reality it looks likely it will go to her children. I think its quite normal to feel a bit miffed about that as per pp. What do you think your post added here?

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 05/04/2023 14:48

Nothing you can do I am afraid unless he specifies a direct inheritance to you immediately on his death.
I am sorry. It is hurtful.

endofthelinefinally · 05/04/2023 14:50

He could create a trust for you, but it sounds as if he won't do that.

Paperbagsaremine · 05/04/2023 15:03

My Mum left her house in trust to me with her partner having a right to live in it. So it's both possible and fairly routine for a solicitor to set up your father's will to provide for his wife and, also, after she dies, for you. FWIW....!

My Dad didn't do this, but he had been generous when he was alive. Moreover I'm ok financially, and I don't have any particular reason to think my stepmother will cut me out of her will (she could if she felt like it, mind). I did think it would have been nice if he hadn't left this to chance - but it's not as if an inheritance would have been life-changing.

In cases where someone has, say, a disabled child and three jobs, just letting wife #2 take the lot (which she then promptly leaves to her kids or her 2nd husband) - that sort of failure to care is harder to take.

PizzaPastaWine · 05/04/2023 15:04

3littlebeans · 05/04/2023 14:41

Pizza - no for a variety of reasons we earn what we do.

I never said I doubted its his money to do as he wishes with - sorry if I gave that opinion. He seems to think he will be sharing his estate over all 4 children yet in reality it looks likely it will go to her children. I think its quite normal to feel a bit miffed about that as per pp. What do you think your post added here?

Have you actually spoken to your DF to find out what his provisions are? I guess if hes had wealth management advice he could confirm/correct your suspicions straight away. It seems like your information has come from your DM?

It sounds like your DF has been far from the greatest of fathers and unfortunately, and upsettingly he is continuing to do this. So the point of my post is that the expectation of your inheritance is causing you distress and the sooner you can come to terms with the fact that inheritance cannot be expected may perhaps make it easier for you to come to terms with it.

Original poster
3littlebeans · 05/04/2023 15:12

@Barbecuebeans thanks for your post it sounds similar - and I'm glad you were left something.

@Paperbagsaremine yes I think he might leave it to chance as he can't imagine her doing differently. It's helpful to know there is another option so if it does get discussed I might be able to ask. I don't know - its ever so difficult a conversation without being sounding grabby or distrustful of his second wife. But who knows what she'd do if he was long gone and her kids had kids.

Pasta - thanks I'm not in distress but just thinking it all through which this thread has been helpful for. It's more of a shock as they are really quite well off. But not generous with it while alive either!

OP posts:
HeadNorth · 05/04/2023 15:20

Sorry, OP, it sucks but that is often the reality for children when parent's divorce. My DH was a lovely dad, so I am not complaining, just stating facts. When my dad died his estate went to his wife. To be fair, he left me and my sister a small cash gift each, but this was actually no more than we were legally entitled to under Scots law in any case. His second wife is a nice woman and was a good wife to him for many years and we kept in touch. But years pass, she has moved away and now met someone else. So I won't inherit, along with many people. That is life.

2bazookas · 05/04/2023 15:38

OP, you say your father has made a lot of money, enjoys spending it and employs a financial advisor. In that case, and given his family back ground, he has undoubtedly written a WILL drawn up by his solicitor. Neither the solicitor or the financial adviser would forget to explain to their twice-married client, all the options how to arrange his estate so that it goes to his intended recipient.

He doesnt need your help or reminders to do that.

 Remarriage cancels any previous Will the spouse had made. So no doubt both your father, and his new wife, have made  new Wills  (with the advice of lawyers) Your Dad's wealth  could   be spent  in old age on  home care or residential care for himself and/or his second wife.  So it's by no means certain there will be anything left to inherit.
Original poster
3littlebeans · 05/04/2023 15:42

I think he thinks he's worked out the best option to split it 4 ways. I'm just musing that that is unlikely to happen in practice. I haven't said he needs help from me, that's really quite patronising. But I'll accept you meant well 😊

OP posts:
Original poster
3littlebeans · 05/04/2023 15:45

I wondered if things worked as I suspected they did - that if all gets left to her on the "understanding " it's split 4 ways at the second death. Yet she can rewrite her will after he dies for her own children to inherit.

Thanks to those posters who have understood and empathised!

OP posts:
MzHz · 05/04/2023 15:50

oh @3littlebeans I feel for you - this is so sad.

I will however say to you one thing. he was never a good dad, was never there for you and was always mean with money when it came to you/your mum.

None of this was your fault or your doing. it's all on him.

You can't change who he is. I do understand though that thinking someone was a mean bastard is a whole different ballgame to KNOWING they are a mean bastard.

If anything, given all that you know about him, what on earth would ever give you the impression that he would do anything other than see you go without.

You're only disappointed as you have been kind to him/yourself in your head and fooled yourself into thinking he is a decent person. I'm sorry. I know it's shit, and it hurts.

Original poster
3littlebeans · 05/04/2023 15:55

Thanks MzHz. You are right and I think I'd understand it more if it was intentional!! I think he genuinely thinks it will be left to us after they both die which is puzzling. It's like he has some major blindspots - he's nice enough at times and I think wants to see us do well etc, makes the right noises at kids birthdays and a token card.

Oh well. Such is life! I've done super well in counselling in the past getting him out of my head and no longer am quite so disappointed in general but this is a final blow!

OP posts:
Chewbecca · 05/04/2023 15:56

It is shit if that occurs for sure.

I am the second wife in this situation and, if my DH pre-deceases me, I have no intention of writing my DSC out of my will. I intend to keep them in at the % DH and I have agreed.

I do also think you can work on becoming a higher earner yourself, nothing better than taking matters into your own hands and sticking two fingers up.