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Original poster

Inheritance query/ second marriage.

45 replies

3littlebeans · 05/04/2023 13:51

I think I have just lost my inheritance. I know we shouldn't expect anything etc and its completely the person's choice etc and there's nothing I can do about it..

My mum's phoned to say that my dad (they divorced a long time ago) has decided not to pass on any of grandpa's inheritance to us (he recently died leaving a fair amount.) That's his choice, and mum said "oh but they'll inherit when you die so all works out." Or something like that.

We had a truly shit childhood. My dad wouldn't spend a penny on me and I was given hand me down uniform from school etc as he didn't buy the basics. He wasn't quite right after my parents divorced and I think he resented me living there. Anyway I thought he just didnt have money when I was a teenager. I never went out or did normal teen things.

It turns out he was saving/investing and now has an amazing pension, he regularly flies abroad, skiis twice a year, eats out at posh dinners etc, has very nice cars. Such is life.

He has remarried recently and I was led to believe his house would be shared between my sister and myself if he died, and her house between her 2 children.

Mum says his plan is he thinks he will go first and will leave it all to his new wife ("she has standards of living to maintain") and then when she goes it will be split 4 ways. Well. That's never going to happen is it?! We hardly know her, she isn't going to leave 1/4 of her will to us...

I think he probably thinks it will all work out and mean she is kept in her wealth and rental income etc while she is alive..... but it wont will it?

My mum is living on benefits in council housing... and my sister and I are okay but below average earners. Its a real kick in the teeth as he wasnt a great dad but I did kind of think well at least he will leave us money.... that isn't going to happen is it?!

OP posts:

Original poster

3littlebeans · 05/04/2023 16:03

Thankyou. And you're right I never know!

As for "becoming a higher earner" I think there's 1001 threads on mn why that isn't always possible.

OP posts:

MintJulia · 05/04/2023 16:11

3littlebeans · 05/04/2023 14:41

Pizza - no for a variety of reasons we earn what we do.

I never said I doubted its his money to do as he wishes with - sorry if I gave that opinion. He seems to think he will be sharing his estate over all 4 children yet in reality it looks likely it will go to her children. I think its quite normal to feel a bit miffed about that as per pp. What do you think your post added here?

You don't know what your df has put in his will, so there's no point in worrying about it.

He may have left the house split between you and siblings, while giving his new wife a life interest in it. That means she can let it or live in it until she dies, but then it reverts to whoever he has indicated in his will.

If he is as money-conscious as you say, I'm sure he will have made a proper will.

You'll just have to wait and see. Assuming it isn't all gobbled up by care home fees first. Probably best to forget about it, since it is beyond your control.

Original poster

3littlebeans · 05/04/2023 16:28

Hmm "don't worry your pretty head about it?!" 😅.

Mumsnet is funny sometimes. He's told my mum he's leaving it all to his new wife on the understanding it will be split between us 4 after her death. He's v keen to keep her in good fortune. I was just checking if, as per my suspicions, this may not happen in real life.

I'm well aware it's not under my control, its not something I usually think about. Fwiw it's s highly unlikely it would all go in care home fees. But it's worth going through life with your eyes open.

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

General money

Original poster

3littlebeans · 05/04/2023 16:29

And yes I think my mums right it would be a good forewarning to know if he isn't leaving us his house as previously thought!

OP posts:

endofthelinefinally · 05/04/2023 16:41

3littlebeans · 05/04/2023 16:28

Hmm "don't worry your pretty head about it?!" 😅.

That is unlikely to happen. No advisor would suggest that will. Once everything goes to his wife she can do whatever she likes with it. Would it be possible to get somebody he trusts to ask him what his wishes really are?
Of course it is quite likely that he knows perfectly well that everything will go to his wife and he is just talking nonsense to your mum.

nauticant · 05/04/2023 16:50

Sometimes 3littlebeans posters on MN just don't take on board what an OP is saying. I get you. If your Dad said "it all goes to my wife" you'd find that straightforward to cope with. What you're struggling with, and what anyone with any sense would struggle with, is for him to appear to have an intention to do one thing, not putting into effect that it will happen, and leaving behind bitterness while he wanders off into the Celestial Realm feeling pleased with himself.

You're annoyed at his self-delusion while you feel you're being, effectively, gaslighted.

unsync · 05/04/2023 16:52

He either needs to leave it directly to you on his death, or put it in trust for you on her death.

nauticant · 05/04/2023 16:52

Actually, that should be If your Dad said "it all goes to my wife and she can do with it exactly what she pleases" you'd find that straightforward to cope with.

Original poster

3littlebeans · 05/04/2023 16:53

Nauticant thankyou. That's expressed it exactly and really helped me to understand my uneasey feelings. Thankyou.

OP posts:

Original poster

3littlebeans · 05/04/2023 16:55

Well I'd agree @unsync but I can hardly tell him that. When mum suggested similar he accused her of not trusting his second wife 🙄.

It's not an easy relationship and anything I could say would be taken as grabby/difficult so I'm.not in a position to ask/suggest or even be upset when tells me am I?! It is what it is...

OP posts:

nauticant · 05/04/2023 16:57

You're welcome 3littlebeans. I had a tiny thing like this where our Mam gave a substantial amount of money to one child and said that rather than going to the problem of accounting for it in the equal shares in her will said us children could sort it out and get the one child to hand over part of his inheritance. That was annoying.

Fortunately though, the one child is the nicest of us and as far as I'm concerned deserves a bigger share.

unsync · 05/04/2023 17:59

No I see that, but its not a matter of trust, its a matter of him ensuring his wishes are respected and the only way of doing that is to make it legally binding upon his death. I understand that you can't do anything about it. I'm surprised his financial advisors haven't suggested the trust.

Walkacrossthesand · 05/04/2023 19:56

If he isn't short of money now, now would be a very good time for him to make a deed of variation to his fathers will (he has 2 years after the death to do that), and effectively transfer all or part of his father's legacy to you/anyone else he wants to.

His financial advisor will surely have told him that, on his death, his widow is free to do whatever she wants with his money.

Transferring his father's legacy to you, guarantees that you are provided for in the way he envisages. Doesn't sound like he's planning to put his money where his mouth is, though. I'm sorry.

Original poster

3littlebeans · 05/04/2023 20:11

Not sure he has a financial advisor as such. I know in the past he's had wealth advisor but that was to do with investing.

I think there's no chance he will give us money now !

OP posts:

LemongrassLollipop · 05/04/2023 20:20

OP if you do discuss the trust as pp have said above, a useful phrase to use is "unintended consequences" as in I'm sure step mum will do the right thing bit if you think it through there may be unintended consequences such as disinheriting you and your sister if step mum were to amend her will

Might just help the conversation run smoothly

AnotherDayOfSun · 06/04/2023 07:09

This sort of thing makes my blood boil. Making sure the wife is in luxury and leaving his kids to scrape by. And considering his OWN father thought of him, but he won't do the same for his own children.

The only advice I can think of would be for your mum to speak to him, and mention that she has heard of cases where the estate was left to the wife, with the understanding that she would pass it on to his children, but that never ended up happening. And somehow convey how hurt you are about it all.

Zipps · 06/04/2023 09:05

Tbh a solicitor who does wills can talk him through every single scenario without even needing a Financial advisor.
Has anyone in the family asked him the question "What if she remarries?"
That might bring him to his senses, people often only think about who they are leaving the money to and not what happens to their money later on. If he has never thought that after he dies she could find another man who might spend his money could that make him get it sorted.

Minimalme · 06/04/2023 09:33

Do you still have a relationship with him op? He sounds dreadful and you may wish to consider going no contact.

A parent who purposely let you go without as a child is not going to make sure you are financially looked after as an adult.

He probably gets pleasure knowing he has more money than you and your Mum.

My parents used the promise of inheritance to control me for many years.

Eventually I realised they were screwing me over and cut contact. I'm out of the will but the peace and freedom is worth every penny.

NewbieSM · 12/08/2023 11:24

W as & I don't

TonTonMacoute · 12/08/2023 11:33

From what you report OP, it sounds as though it would be entirely up to the second wife whether or not you will get anything.

It sounds as if he has recorded his wishes, but not actually set it up in his will. Executors do not have to follow wishes, although they should bear them in mind.

I have had friends in this situation and it's very frustrating and upsetting, but probably best to come to terms with it now. It may be possibly to raise this with him if the opportunity crops up, and persuade him to write a proper will, I don't know.

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