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Original poster

7 year old doesn’t want to exist, please help

39 replies

worriedmum2012 · 04/04/2023 14:01

My DD age 7 is a wonderful girl. She is incredibly kind, funny, fun… she loves to dance, play, have fun, chat. That’s when she’s with me. She is also happy at school. Her dad and I split a few years ago but try to coparent (we also have another dd age 10). Because of circumstances he has a key to my house, and this could be an issue.

They don’t have a good relationship, DD gets very frustrated and anger comes out when she’s not feeling heard or understood. I think I understand her, maybe I enable her, I don’t know. When ex is around she goes into meltdown, within seconds. She thinks he hates her. He’s very shouty. That’s how he is. I’ve asked him to be more gentle in his tone but he can’t or won’t change.

She lashes out verbally to him and her sister. She then crys uncontrollably and says everyone hates her and she doesn’t want to be alive. She hates her life. She doesn’t want to exist. I have tried talking to her dad but he doesn’t seem to get it. I don’t know what to do. Does she need a psychologist, or does he need to change. I’m sorry if this is jumbled, I will answer any questions for a clear picture. Just need advice. Please.

OP posts:

peanutbutterandbananas · 04/04/2023 14:03

I'd ask your GP for a referral to CAMHS (lots of info online about their services). This must be so hard, there's help

SummerHouse · 04/04/2023 14:10

So CAMHS can be a long wait. Where I live there's a support service a step below that and the offer a six week course for parents of children with worries and fears. Something like that would be potentially good for you and potentially even more so for her Dad (although from what you say I suspect he wouldn't do it).

Original poster

worriedmum2012 · 04/04/2023 14:18

I think he would consider a course, whether he would then put it in practice I don’t know. I’m currently laid up in bed with a bad back and I can’t move or look after them. I asked him to help and since he arrived at 11am DD7 has been crying and screaming, he just shouts back. I don’t want to blame him as such, but I also need to know if he is partly to blame. I think I’ll have to stop him coming into my house as this is her safe spot, but it makes it awkward. I will though. Sorry just writing this down is helping to clarify things. I feel so stuck. He stormed off but is taking them to my dads for a couple of hours later. I’ve got no one to help and I just need to get better but every time I’m ill my and my childrens world seem to fall apart.

Are there any practical things I can do to help these occasions when I’m ill? Family aren’t able to have the children as they can’t cope.

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

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parietal · 04/04/2023 14:29

what support do you have for your illness? If exDH were not on the scene, would you have carers or other support from social services? If so, why not try to put that in place so that exDH comes less often and she sees less of him.

when it is just you and her, is she OK? is it only her dad that provokes this?

Lozois99 · 04/04/2023 14:32

worriedmum2012 · 04/04/2023 14:18

Are there any practical things I can do to help these occasions when I’m ill? Family aren’t able to have the children as they can’t cope.

Of course he's to blame. Your child is otherwise ok. She needs protecting in this and maybe he cant come to your home or be alone with her until he has changed his ways. Which he has to. This isnt a choice. Step up and advocate for your daughter, or this will cause far worse issues down the line. You can do it.

Original poster

worriedmum2012 · 04/04/2023 14:32

It’s not a constant illness, just recently I’ve had mobility issues but I think / hope it’s only temporary. I don’t have any support with the dcs other than their dad. Yes she is fine when it’s just me and her. Sometimes lashes out to her sister. But the worst time is when she’s with her dad. I don’t know if she’s testing him / pushing boundaries, or if it’s a cry for help. She says she doesn’t think he loves her.

OP posts:

Original poster

worriedmum2012 · 04/04/2023 14:34

I absolutely will advocate for her and will make any changes I need to, no matter what. Im a strong woman trust me. I just need to know what to do in practical terms and what help may be available for her or for us as a family too.

I appreciate the replies I really do.

OP posts:

Smartiepants79 · 04/04/2023 14:36

They seem to have got into a very negative spiral here. He is clearly not handling it terribly well but I can see that her behaviour could be very frustrating and potentially hurtful which can cause people, even adults, to respond in negative ways.
Is she really sobbing and screaming as soon as he appears? That’s rather extreme behaviour. Does she ever just give him a chance to come in and be a normal dad??
It sounds like he could Do with some help and ideas to change his responses to her.But I also think your Dd needs some help regulating her emotions and responses.
How is his relationship with his other Dd?

betsyannegrey · 04/04/2023 14:41

It's crazy that she's crying and screaming, so obviously distressed, and his response is to shout at her! He needs to see that is not a normal reaction. Most parents would respond to your dd's behaviour by getting down on her level and calmly trying to get her to talk about how is is feeling to cause her to cry and scream. If he can't see that he needs some professional help to learn to be a better parent.

If you can afford it I'd recommend finding a play therapist who can work with your dd to help her with her emotions. Poor little thing, I know you must be in pain, my sympathy back problems are so awful, but Could you snuggle her up in bed beside you with a movie on or something, it sounds like she needs a lot of comforting and reassurance.

Original poster

worriedmum2012 · 04/04/2023 14:41

Hi @Smartiepants79 , yes it’s as soon as he arrives at our (mine and the kids) house. Literally within seconds. He does get to be a normal dad with her when she goes to his. He’s meant to have her 2 nights a week but often she doesn’t want to go (I won’t send her kicking and screaming. She gets really distressed). But when she does go, she often will have a nice time with him.

He has a good relationship with DD10, she’s very quiet and compliant. I feel she’s learnt to be. She’s happy though, she’s definitely not scared of him or anything.

OP posts:

Original poster

worriedmum2012 · 04/04/2023 14:46

Hi @betsyannegrey , I agree with you. But he doesn’t get it. I’ve tried so many times to ask him to change, or even to adjust the tone of his voice, but he can’t or won’t. He doesn’t seem to have any intuition when it comes to parenting.

We will definitely have a snuggle when she comes home from my dads (they just left). I sleep in her room every night anyway as she needs that closeness. We are very very close and affectionate. She knows how much I love her.

I hope he will agree to some kind of professional advice / classes. DD is booked to see the school’s play therapist for 6 x weekly sessions after Easter. I can then always go private after that.

OP posts:

Original poster

worriedmum2012 · 04/04/2023 14:49

@SummerHouse would you mind telling me the name of the parenting course, and I can then see if there’s one in my area or similar. Thank you.

OP posts:

SummerHouse · 04/04/2023 14:55

I wonder if the inconsistency makes it worse. Really, really difficult to align on this especially as you are not together. Not saying you sign up to the shouty parenting, that's helping no one. But maybe some of the things you allow that he doesn't need to have a consistent rule if that's a possibility.

SummerHouse · 04/04/2023 14:56

@worriedmum2012 I will message you.

betsyannegrey · 04/04/2023 14:57

That's great that you have a play therapist lined up, they really are so good with that age group. It sounds like you have a lovely relationship with her, she's so lucky to have that.

Your post hit a nerve with me because I had a similar relationship with my dad and I hated going to him when my parents split up. My dad had no interest in me really and I would spend Sunday mornings sick with nerves trying to think of an excuse to stay at home with my mum. Looking back now, if my dad had made any kind of effort to understand what made 7 year old me tick, both our lives would have been transformed. But men in the 70s didn't think like that.

Things are different now and if your dd's dad can't see that he is jeopardising his lifelong relationship with her then maybe someone else can make him see that? Would he talk to his GP or is there another family member that could make him see that there is another way for him and his daughter.

betsyannegrey · 04/04/2023 15:02

Just to add that I was estranged from my dad from my early 20s when I finally got the courage to cut contact with him. He died, alone, a few years ago, never having met his lovely grandchildren. You reap what you sow. I'm sure your ex doesn't what that future, but if he's not careful that could happen to him.

I ended up with anorexia as a consequence of my relationship with him. It took me years to get over that.

BellePeppa · 04/04/2023 15:06

Her dad needs parenting lessons, he hasn’t a clue.

Original poster

worriedmum2012 · 04/04/2023 15:07

@betsyannegrey I’m sorry to hear your went through all of that. Thank you for sharing. I worry for my older daughter too as she is so compliant. She’s been the one to spend the most time with him and I feel like he’s made he this way. DD7 was so so clingy, well her whole life actually, that he was the one to take DD10 out to parties, day trips etc. I’ve had to tell him so many times over the years to not belittle them, to validate their feelings, etc, all very basic things. I worry how they are both going to be in the future. What a mess.

He had a traumatic childhood and he doesn’t know what loving, gentle parenting is. It doesn’t come naturally to him. When I ask him to be less shouty he proudly tells me that out of other parents he knows, he doesn’t shout as much as them. Well great, but our DD is having meltdowns and you need to bloody change something!

OP posts:

pjani · 04/04/2023 15:10

Yes if he’s willing to go to a parenting course do everything to try and help him get there! Could he join in the play therapy sessions, do the drop offs and pick ups and talk to the therapist maybe? It definitely sounds linked to his relationship with her and he might take it more seriously if a therapist is telling him directly what is coming out in the sessions.

Original poster

worriedmum2012 · 04/04/2023 15:10

So things I can / need to do so far;

Stop him coming inside our house (take away key and he has to wait outside)

Enrol myself and him on a parenting course for children with worries and to help with emotional regulation

DD to see play therapist as planned. Book someone privately to continue with weekly sessions once her sessions at school stop

OP posts:

pjani · 04/04/2023 15:15

Sounds great! You could also consider family therapy if you can’t find the parenting course you’re after.

2bazookas · 04/04/2023 15:38

When ex is around she goes into meltdown, within seconds. She thinks he hates her. She lashes out verbally to him and her sister. She then crys uncontrollably and says everyone hates her and she doesn’t want to be alive. She hates her life. She doesn’t want to exist.

That is far, far beyond the normal thinking of a 7yr old, when its all trigered by her father.

I hate to tell you this,but her lashingout defensive /attack behaviour only happens the minute her father is around is important . Her behaviour could be the reaction of a sexually abused child being forced to spend time alone with him.She is utterly desperate to escape him and has no way out. She doesn't want to go to his place overnight . She only feels safe at night when she's sleeping in your bed.

Any caring father, for her sake, would adjust his behaviour to alleviate such terrible distress in a 7 yr old . His response shows he doesn't care; a big red flag; he has no intention of stopping the harm he's doing to his daughter. And he knows, it's not the shouting.

Forget getting "help/training " for her father. It's your daughter who needs some urgent professional assessment and help . You might also consider that if one daughter is abused , the other is at risk.

You could contact either your GP or the police and say you have concern about just WHAT your DD is so very frightened of that she has hysterics around her father's arrival, "doesn't want to to be alive. She hates her life. She doesn’t want to exist.*"... and that it seems focussed on parental access by her father.

2bazookas · 04/04/2023 15:39

BellePeppa · 04/04/2023 15:06

Her dad needs parenting lessons, he hasn’t a clue.

This is about far more than a dad who is just "clueless" .

ConstanceOcean · 04/04/2023 15:53

He is your ex, he shouldn’t be coming in your house full stop and he definitely shouldn’t have a key!

Your girls are old enough to take care of themselves if you are in the house too.

If you need help with them from your ex then he needs to come and pick them up and take them back to his.
He should be knocking on the door.

Tell DD that you’ll be getting the key back off him.

What was the break up like?

I can’t imagine how confusing it must be for a child to witness her parents going through a separation and then having their dad coming into their home.

If the break up was in any way difficult (most are) this is going to cause extra anxiety.

She may even be worried about you getting back together or that you’re going to start arguing again like you did when you separated.

If he shouts or storms off anyway this is extremely traumatic and she is probably concerned about you thinking he’s going to shout at you.

You say yourself she’s fine once she’s with him.
Its having him in her home and having you two together which is the problem - this is such an easy fix!!

It’s really concerning that you think it’s awkward to ask him to not come into your home even though you are separated.

I think he is more controlling/ abusive than you are letting on/realise.

Exl · 04/04/2023 16:04

If he’s frequently shouting at her despite knowing the impact on her, then he just doesn’t love her. Being left alone with someone who has complete power and authority over her and who does not care about her is terrifying.

The way she is reacting is typical of a child who has been abused, whether physically or emotionally. The older child’s compliance is also typical of this. I’m not saying there has definitely been abuse - I don’t know any of you - but I am worried it is a real likelihood. Don’t just rely on his assurances that she is fine when alone with him.

I hope things improve but you need to look at ways of reducing his contact with them as much as possible.

Sorry about your back, hope it isn’t sciatica.

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