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Original poster

7 year old doesn’t want to exist, please help

39 replies

worriedmum2012 · 04/04/2023 14:01

My DD age 7 is a wonderful girl. She is incredibly kind, funny, fun… she loves to dance, play, have fun, chat. That’s when she’s with me. She is also happy at school. Her dad and I split a few years ago but try to coparent (we also have another dd age 10). Because of circumstances he has a key to my house, and this could be an issue.

They don’t have a good relationship, DD gets very frustrated and anger comes out when she’s not feeling heard or understood. I think I understand her, maybe I enable her, I don’t know. When ex is around she goes into meltdown, within seconds. She thinks he hates her. He’s very shouty. That’s how he is. I’ve asked him to be more gentle in his tone but he can’t or won’t change.

She lashes out verbally to him and her sister. She then crys uncontrollably and says everyone hates her and she doesn’t want to be alive. She hates her life. She doesn’t want to exist. I have tried talking to her dad but he doesn’t seem to get it. I don’t know what to do. Does she need a psychologist, or does he need to change. I’m sorry if this is jumbled, I will answer any questions for a clear picture. Just need advice. Please.

OP posts:
Original poster
worriedmum2012 · 04/04/2023 16:05

You’re right @ConstanceOcean , I agree and ready to make some changes. I have already told him that I can see him coming in is a trigger and that he will have to wait outside from now on.

He has agreed to do a parenting course, I’m also thinking a parenting coach would be a good option as I realise DD10 may be very affected by all this too, she just internalises it more, which in some ways is worse.

I thought this was good for them, until it clearly wasn’t - but I see that was a mistake from the get go in hindsight.

OP posts:
Original poster
worriedmum2012 · 04/04/2023 16:13

I genuinely don’t believe he would abuse them sexually. I honestly don’t. When I say he had a traumatic childhood it’s because his mum killed herself due to mental health issues. He wasn’t abused.

I have an online appointment to speak to a family coach tomorrow so I will ask her if she thinks it’s worth having him on board or if I should do this myself. If I need to distance him from the DDs I will. But at the moment I’m not sure what is best. It may be he’s ‘just’ a crap parent who can change with some professional guidance, I don’t know at this point.

OP posts:
Venturini · 04/04/2023 16:17

2bazookas · 04/04/2023 15:38

When ex is around she goes into meltdown, within seconds. She thinks he hates her. She lashes out verbally to him and her sister. She then crys uncontrollably and says everyone hates her and she doesn’t want to be alive. She hates her life. She doesn’t want to exist.

That is far, far beyond the normal thinking of a 7yr old, when its all trigered by her father.

I hate to tell you this,but her lashingout defensive /attack behaviour only happens the minute her father is around is important . Her behaviour could be the reaction of a sexually abused child being forced to spend time alone with him.She is utterly desperate to escape him and has no way out. She doesn't want to go to his place overnight . She only feels safe at night when she's sleeping in your bed.

Any caring father, for her sake, would adjust his behaviour to alleviate such terrible distress in a 7 yr old . His response shows he doesn't care; a big red flag; he has no intention of stopping the harm he's doing to his daughter. And he knows, it's not the shouting.

Forget getting "help/training " for her father. It's your daughter who needs some urgent professional assessment and help . You might also consider that if one daughter is abused , the other is at risk.

You could contact either your GP or the police and say you have concern about just WHAT your DD is so very frightened of that she has hysterics around her father's arrival, "doesn't want to to be alive. She hates her life. She doesn’t want to exist.*"... and that it seems focussed on parental access by her father.

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ThreeLocusts · 04/04/2023 16:18

OP it's a good thing that your DD articulates this. One of my daughters told me aged 10 that she had had thoughts like this since age 7 and what an idiot I felt.

Do try and get her specialist help ASAP as well as insisting that her dad needs to change around her. At 7 maybe play therapy is still appropriate? It doesn't have to be classic 'talking therapy'.

And anyway my impression is that what matters most is that DD 'clicks' with the therapist. Here's hoping you find someone who can help.

2bazookas · 04/04/2023 16:21

I don’t know if she’s testing him / pushing boundaries, or if it’s a cry for help. She says she doesn’t think he loves her.

She is literally, physically pushing him away, trying to keep him at a distance. It IS a cry for help. She hasn't got the vocabulary to explain why, so she expresses it as "He doesn't love me" .Because, she knows from you, that love is kind, love makes her feel safe and happy.

Dad is not kind, she doesn't feel safe with Dad, she's very unhappy when she's with dad. And as soon as he appears, she 's so scared she wants to escape or die.

She's right; that's not love.

IF you respond trying to reassure her "Of course daddy loves you" that only invalidates her emotional reality; her truth that she's desperately trying to get across.

He's a lost cause , as a partner and as a father. Stop trying to fix him; and focus on her.

Original poster
worriedmum2012 · 04/04/2023 16:23

if he’s a lost cause, they would still have to see him wouldn’t they if ordered to by court. I’m not trying to help him per se, I’m trying to get him to be a better parent so that the dds can be happier. But if he won’t, they will be forced to see him anyway!

OP posts:
Desperatelywantinganother · 04/04/2023 16:41

I wonder if she’s got cause and effect muddled up, perhaps subconsciously.
OP, if she’s fine at his, and it when he comes to yours to look after them, and he does that when you are too ill/mobility issues are making it impossible for you, then the problem could be there.
Basically, she might be scared by you being too ill to move like you normally do, and dad coming to yours means that you are ill again. So the kicking and screaming is actually (partly anyway) about her being scared because you’re sick?

ConstanceOcean · 04/04/2023 16:42

What was your relationship and break up like?

Both your children seem to have some trauma but just portray it differently.

I think the likely reason may be the relationship or break up which is why your youngest is so triggered when he’s in your home or near you.

Original poster
worriedmum2012 · 04/04/2023 16:49

The break up wasn’t great @ConstanceOcean , although for them probably awful. Some arguing, a lot of crying and emotional outbursts from him (I was the one sending him away apparently and he was someone to feel sorry for, a role DD10 took on, absolutely). He tried to make me out to be a villain splitting up the family. Never once considered that me being so unhappy by staying with him would effect them. But I helped him to go, supported him financially to rent a place, after a while they starting staying for overnights. So not traumatic as far as some can be, but traumatic enough. DD10 looks after him. Yep, I can see I definitely need to arrange some therapy for both of them and me too.

OP posts:
Aaaaandbreathe · 04/04/2023 16:52

The way she is reacting is typical of a child who has been abused, whether physically or emotionally. The older child’s compliance is also typical of this. I’m not saying there has definitely been abuse - I don’t know any of you - but I am worried it is a real likelihood. Don’t just rely on his assurances that she is fine when alone with him.

Sadly I agree with this. Was my first thought with both DDs behaviour.

It really is not normal for a child to be so distressed seeing their parent and you only have his word for it she has a nice time once there.

ConstanceOcean · 04/04/2023 17:36

DD10 looks after him.

Your 10 year old shouldn’t be looking after him.

I definitely think that once you have established some boundaries your girls will feel much happier.

MargotDeWitt · 04/04/2023 17:44

@worriedmum2012 please can I ask what age DD was when the split occurred? She may have some unresolved trauma from that?

Original poster
worriedmum2012 · 04/04/2023 17:46

No she definitely shouldn’t look after him. She seems to have taken that on. I also did to my own dad when I was a child. He was a man child too.

We split 4 years ago, so they were 3 and 6 approx.

OP posts:
Original poster
worriedmum2012 · 04/04/2023 17:46

And yes boundaries will be a priority.

OP posts:
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