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Original poster

Helping my overweight husband

57 replies

Jamieleecurtain · 02/04/2023 22:48

My husband is quite overweight. He has an active life. High stress job where he is always on his feet. The rest of his life is completely full with hobbies, a qualification he’s doing, friends (he has about a million) and being a dad/husband (works hard around the house, very hands on with the kids etc). We have very small kids. He runs or swims a couple of times a week. He just never stops.

The problem is that he is addicted to food. He uses food as a reward or a boost to get him through the day. He is horribly worried about his weight but attempts to diet just don’t last. I’m not sure how to help him. Even if I insisted on cooking him super healthy meals or starting preparing breakfast and lunch for him (currently he does this himself) I don’t think it would help as he just gives into temptation and snacks (probably this would get worse if his meal calories were cut)

We were discussing ways he could break his emotional eating habits and start prioritising his health in a way that would last (he’s dieted before but always gains the weight again) and honestly I’m not sure where to start. Any experience?

OP posts:
ACynicalDad · 02/04/2023 22:49

Portion size, keep them small.

Original poster
Jamieleecurtain · 02/04/2023 22:53

I don’t think it’s anything to do with portion size. I eat the same portions and am half his weight. It’s the snacking he can’t seem to stop.

OP posts:
OhLordPleaseDontBurnUsDontGrillOrToastYourFlock · 02/04/2023 23:30

Calorie count.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weight management
Avarua2 · 02/04/2023 23:34

Two eggs for breakfast and get him to switch to black coffee.

Other than that, leave him alone. It's hard enough being busy and under pressure with a young family without being reminded by your partner of your need to do something else (lose weight) on top of everything else.

cocksstrideintheevening · 02/04/2023 23:44

What is black coffee going to achieve?

It's in him op, if he doesn't want to change he won't. Hel be well aware he's overweight.

PickAChew · 02/04/2023 23:46

Is he putting the same effort into finding out what he can change, or expecting you to wave a magic wand?

Avarua2 · 03/04/2023 00:03

cocksstrideintheevening · 02/04/2023 23:44

What is black coffee going to achieve?

It's in him op, if he doesn't want to change he won't. Hel be well aware he's overweight.

It saves a heap of calories from the milk a f stops sugar spike in the morning

Indoorcatmum · 03/04/2023 01:50

Ozempic. Will stop the "food chatter" in his brain and he won't want to snack!

If he has enough stress already, this will make things easier.

Yayasisterhood · 03/04/2023 02:05

Things that are working for me:

  • not dieting (it didn’t work over the long term and made my binges worse)
  • listening to resources on binge eating - the Brain over Binge podcast and book is very good - helping to change the way we listen and respond to our desires to binge
  • The Intuitive Eating Workbook is full of interesting exercises which examine your attitude to food. It’s quite dense but can be purchased on eBay and is a different perspective on the issue
  • therapy! If you can afford it. Talking about emotions and food with someone can help
  • learning more about food and nutrition - books like How Not To Die and Why We Eat (Too Much) are really interesting analyses and incredibly informative about nutrition. Simply knowing WHY my body will be happier with more lentils has helped me eat more of them and less white rice. All books like this to be taken with a pinch of salt.

I haven’t nailed it - but things have shifted for me. So might be helpful places to start.

Original poster
Jamieleecurtain · 03/04/2023 02:07

Avarua2 · 02/04/2023 23:34

Two eggs for breakfast and get him to switch to black coffee.

Other than that, leave him alone. It's hard enough being busy and under pressure with a young family without being reminded by your partner of your need to do something else (lose weight) on top of everything else.

Leave him alone? I haven’t once brought up with him that he’s overweight- he starts any discussion about this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jamieleecurtain · 03/04/2023 02:10

PickAChew · 02/04/2023 23:46

Is he putting the same effort into finding out what he can change, or expecting you to wave a magic wand?

Yes, he’s trying but talked to me about how he’s finding it difficult. If I have an issue at work I’m finding difficult I talk to my husband about it. As a sounding board rather than because he has a magic solution.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jamieleecurtain · 03/04/2023 02:13

Thank you so much for these really helpful suggestions! The podcast sounds interesting- I will suggest it to him.

are you able to tell me where you accessed the therapy from ? I wanted to look into this but wasn’t sure where to find a good therapist.

OP posts:
Elieza · 03/04/2023 02:13

Does he snack at home?

If so don’t have any snacks in the house.

If you have them for kids lock them in a trunk in the cupboard and hide the key or whatever so they are out of sight.

If he snacks while out it’s harder to control but if he has no cash/cards on him he can’t buy anything while he’s talking the dog for a walk or whatever. Harder if he’s out places he needs money though eg going to buy the Sunday newspaper and rolls in the corner shop oh here’s an offer on 3 for 2 sweets….

Does he understand calories. eg a bag of quavers for a snack is way lower in calories than a bar of chocolate. Perhaps if he knew swaps he could try he’d snack on healthier options?

Original poster
Jamieleecurtain · 03/04/2023 02:14

Yayasisterhood · 03/04/2023 02:05

Things that are working for me:

  • not dieting (it didn’t work over the long term and made my binges worse)
  • listening to resources on binge eating - the Brain over Binge podcast and book is very good - helping to change the way we listen and respond to our desires to binge
  • The Intuitive Eating Workbook is full of interesting exercises which examine your attitude to food. It’s quite dense but can be purchased on eBay and is a different perspective on the issue
  • therapy! If you can afford it. Talking about emotions and food with someone can help
  • learning more about food and nutrition - books like How Not To Die and Why We Eat (Too Much) are really interesting analyses and incredibly informative about nutrition. Simply knowing WHY my body will be happier with more lentils has helped me eat more of them and less white rice. All books like this to be taken with a pinch of salt.

I haven’t nailed it - but things have shifted for me. So might be helpful places to start.

Sorry the above questions are for you @Yayasisterhood

OP posts:
Original poster
Jamieleecurtain · 03/04/2023 02:20

Elieza · 03/04/2023 02:13

Does he snack at home?

If so don’t have any snacks in the house.

If you have them for kids lock them in a trunk in the cupboard and hide the key or whatever so they are out of sight.

If he snacks while out it’s harder to control but if he has no cash/cards on him he can’t buy anything while he’s talking the dog for a walk or whatever. Harder if he’s out places he needs money though eg going to buy the Sunday newspaper and rolls in the corner shop oh here’s an offer on 3 for 2 sweets….

Does he understand calories. eg a bag of quavers for a snack is way lower in calories than a bar of chocolate. Perhaps if he knew swaps he could try he’d snack on healthier options?

Thank you. He does snack at home (and wouldn’t touch the stuff we feed the kids!). In the big supermarket shop he tends to buy some lower calorie options to pack for lunch/have in the evenings (e.g popcorn instead of chocolate) and then caves in and visits the corner shop or garage on his commute. Work is also one of those places where someone has always brought in a cake! Leaving himself with no method of payment would be difficult and potentially an issue if he’s low on petrol etc.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 03/04/2023 02:52

He needs to figure out what the void is that he's trying to fill. It's not hunger.

Original poster
Jamieleecurtain · 03/04/2023 02:57

Yes @Aquamarine1029, that’s what he says- he’s not hungry at all but keeps eating. I think he’s trying to work out what the void is and how to fill it in ways that are not food.

OP posts:
Elieza · 03/04/2023 03:09

My dad used to say drink water when you’re hungry and that’ll fill you up and you won’t snack.

the fizzy stuff does fill me up. just water. He could try that? A bottle of fuzzy water. Not artificial flavours and sweeteners.

Or make sure he fills up on a sufficiently filling breakfast before leaving to commute so he’s not hungry.

He should fill the car with petrol on a full stomach also so not tempted to buy crap as hungry when in to pay for petrol.

It’s up to him though. You can lead a horse to water….

Original poster
Jamieleecurtain · 03/04/2023 03:20

Fizzy water is a good idea. Thank you! He does drink a lot of water after quitting Diet Coke. He would never leave the house without breakfast, so that’s covered.

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 03/04/2023 03:54

Has he actually asked for help?

Original poster
Jamieleecurtain · 03/04/2023 04:07

Not professional help, no. Just talked to me about how he was struggling and I said I would do some research online and help him get a plan in place.

OP posts:
coffeemoon · 03/04/2023 04:22

Hi OP, to respond to your question about therapy, this is a directory of therapists who are registered with the BACP, the professional body for counselling professionals.

https://www.bacp.co.uk/search/Therapists

Try searching it for counsellors in your area with a specialism in overeating or binge eating disorders.

Get your husband to have a look too, and choose someone he likes the look of. Therapy is a very personal thing and has to click, but if he finds the right person it could really change his life.

The other possibility if he doesn't fancy therapy and you have the money is a personal trainer. I have been seeing a personal trainer on and off for 2 years now and it has changed my life completely. If he's a sociable person, the right personal trainer could really do it for him and they are not always shouty and pushy, mine is absolutely wonderful and supportive, and helps motivate me every week.

I hope he finds some way to help himself, it must be very stressful for you both especially with small kids/ thinking about your family's future. Good luck.

| BACP

https://www.bacp.co.uk/search/Therapists

ChiefPearlClutcher · 03/04/2023 04:27

Ozempic.

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 03/04/2023 04:29

Jamieleecurtain · 03/04/2023 02:57

Yes @Aquamarine1029, that’s what he says- he’s not hungry at all but keeps eating. I think he’s trying to work out what the void is and how to fill it in ways that are not food.

It might not be a void. Eating can be a coping strategy for some people for stress, exhaustion, physical or mental pain etc. My 10 year old has already noticed the link between eating things like lollies and his mood. If that's the case what he needs is to try and reduce stress where possible and learn other coping strategies, maybe working with a psychologist to find what will help him personally. Once he finds some that works for him he'd need to practice them when he's calm and feeling fine until they become habits so he can do them when he's distressed and eventually replace the unhelpful coping strategy with something that's not harmful to his health. When you're stressed or anxious or worried it's easy to reach for food knowing subconsciously that the stress/worry/anxiety/sadness will ease a little once you start eating.

Kwackerly · 03/04/2023 04:34

He has to want it badly enough to stop snacking and make changes. You can't make that happen - he has to want it because success starts in the head...

Id suggest lightweight low carbing. Kick start when he's got 3-4 days at home as once you get past that first bit it becomes so much easier.

Just cut out white carbs, bread pasta rice etc. Obviously no crap snacks. Replace those carbs with beans and pulses. Lots of protein. Snack on meat, fruit, nuts. Accept you'll cave in a couple times a week but youll carry on after- its a long term thing so he needs to feel its doable.

Start some kind if exercise as that makes it easier to be motivated- whatever is least worst option for him. Throw some money at that, gym membership etc is usually 30ish a month and well worth it.

A lot of people find intermittent fasting good, I did too. Eat between say 12 and 8 only. I lost 4 stone over a year doing this, but I think it's a mental thing at first, you have to really be in the right place and want it badly. I cut right back on drinking as it made me weak. However... Once the first stone is gone it all becomes a lot easier, the first bits def the hardest. Good luck to him!