Contacting birth mother - adult adoptee

[Teado]

I’d appreciate advice. Thank you.

I was born in the early 1970s to an unmarried teen whose parents were unwilling to support her as a single parent. Her boyfriend refused to marry. That’s all I know other than her height, hair colour and her A Level subjects. My adoptive parents kept all the adoption paperwork and this basic info was in a letter from the social worker to them.

My adoptive parents never hid the fact that I was adopted so I always knew, and they gave me the paperwork when I was 17 on the basis that I may want to trace my birth mother at or after the age of 18. That time has now come, several years later.

There are two stories of tracing birth mothers in my social circle that were not positive. There is one that was positive. So I’m not expecting fairytales.

I want to do it because I am curious about my heritage. I also want to know if it was one of these “forced adoptions” that were in the news. I was definitely with a foster parent at some stage according to the paperwork (my parents kept a note from the foster mother outlining my routines etc among that paperwork but it is undated). I had a different birth name to my current name, so it seems that my birth mother was “allowed” to register my birth. Don’t know if those things are relevant.

I contacted social services who are going to locate my file via the archive team. I have been allocated a very nice case worker, who wants to meet up before I can see the file.

Has anyone who was adopted in the 1980s or earlier traced their bio family? Anyone the half-sibling of a baby who was removed and who later got in touch? Any retired social workers on here who dealt with adoptions 40+ years ago? I have confidence in my case worker but any insight would be very handy!

My dad met his sister when he was in his thirties. She had been fostered, never adopted. Unfortunately, the relationship with her biological mother wasn't great, but then my grandmother wasn't a nice woman. But, my dad and his sister became incredibly close. A couple of the other siblings didn't care or want to meet her though.
It's a tricky situation, if it was me I would want to know why. I suppose my aunt wanted the same, but unfortunately the answer was that she wasn't wanted. And still wasn't wanted.

So, do it, as long as you are prepared for rejection.

The social worker will most probably want to prepare you and talk it all through before passing on any information. I would run through all possible scenarios in your mid. And be prepared for them all. Even if your mother is delighted you are looking for her and wants to make contact, you may find you just don’t get on or have anything in common.

I wrote to my bio father for the first time when I turned 50, kind of a life event moment. I knew him to still be alive. He didn't bother to reply. So I have just basically binned him off and consider him, with some considerable sadness, to be rather an arsehole.

I have family members and also friends who have traced their birth parents. Mixed results but in all cases there have been lies, half truths and the realisation that their lives will never be the same again. You can't shut the door and forget all about it if it all becomes too much.

I think you also have to remember that some family members may not even know that you exist and the ones that do, may have been told a different version of events!

I would recommend counselling because whether you have a good or bad experience, your emotions are likely to be all over the place.

Hi

I was adopted in the 70s. I did make contact with my BM 20 years ago, but it did not go well and the rejection was horribly traumatic at the time. I did however learn about the circumstances surrounding my adoption and it does sound like it was forced.

Despite the fact that it went badly, im glad I know what happened.

I have no info or experience but I do want to say I wish you well with this OP. I hope you get the answers and outcome you want. Will be awaiting an update :) xx

I am adopted and have zero interest in opening this can of worms. My sister, different birth parents, contacted her north father and the whole thing was fucking weird. They have no contact now. I would caution being very wary of what you open up.

I have 2 adopted children ..
1 mother contacted did not want to know the child at all. Other child when contacted by parent had zero interest as they had other children. Hard situation to envisage any outcomes

I was adopted in the late 60s and 5/6 years ago I successfully traced both my birth parents via and adoption agency. I now have good relationships with both parents and also the two younger half sisters I discovered on my dad's side. I don't see them that frequently but there are health issue involved.

IMO 'forced adoptions' is a bit of a catch all term at the moment - even girls/ women who weren't coerced into giving up their babies by family had no hope of financial independence or housing so the system effectively forced them.

Unless babies were collected directly from a mother and baby home or similar they all went to specialist foster parents for weeks / months until an adoptive family was found.

All babies were registered at birth under the name their mother gave them, but on adoption that certificate is superseded by a new certificate of birth, issued in the new name.

The case worker will explain all this and answer any questions you may have. They'll also want to explore how you feel about various potential outcomes.

When and if they think they've located a parent they will write, simply saying that someone from the 1970s wants to be in touch with them. This is in case their current spouse / child whatever knows nothing about your existence and may even be upset by your appearance in their relative's life.

I hope your journey goes well OP. 💐

Sometimes an outcome is that a birth family doesn't want contact but is willing to share health information, which is at least useful.

Or that they can only cope with contact by letter for a few months or longer at first.

Adopted in the 80's, have a copy of my SW and adoption agency files but haven't gone further than that. Wish you all the success with this OP. A friend who was adopted has managed to track down 3 siblings who he has developed a very close relationship with.

I’d get counselling around this if I were you. A very close friend of mine was adopted, he didn’t know and found out and was desperate to find his birth mother. He did and hired a private investigator and she wouldn’t see him. He can’t get over it and it has severely impacted his life. He knows who his siblings are etc… it’s a horrible and complex situation

my husband is adopted. We have found both sides of his biological family via and Ancestry DNA test. we don’t know which side is maternal or paternal as they had large families, but we have dna matches with uncles, first and second cousins. DH has not contacted anyone, nor have they contacted him.

I would love a surprise relative. Although I would take care, I would welcome a new family member.

The case worker should provide counselling to an extent.

Do you have children, OP?

Adoptive parent here, and old enough to clearly remember the 70s. Also child of a single parent.

I really want to comment on the concept of forced adoption in this context. I wonder if it is (understandably) important to you to know that you were actually wanted, but that your birth mother had no real choice? Or are you worried about finding out that you were abused or neglected?

I would say that unless she was in Ireland, or living in a particularly repressive community, she probably wasn't technically forced. Single parenting was becoming more widespread in the 70s.

Having said which, I remember my aunt (who was still at school) coming under great pressure to have her child adopted. Though probably not as great as my mum had faced in the 60s. I was at school in the 70s, and there was definitely still a stigma around having a single parent, even in London, though it was dissolving fast.

The best illustration of this is that in the 1970s women were still having their children adopted because of the stigma and the realities of single parenthood. So a very large number of adopted babies were born to the kind of women who, 20 years later, would instead be raising their children solo. And a far smaller number were adopted due to exposure to alcohol, drugs, mental illness, violence in the home (which is now the norm).

I know a fair few adult adoptees who have traced birth parents. Their experience has been mixed. But most are glad to know, even if there was no lasting reunion.

Best of luck to you.

I think there is a database of some sort whereupon both birth family and adopted people can register their details as 'open' to being contacted?
I think what you are doing OP is very responsible (ie the way you are going about tracing via official channels). My adoptive parents are my 'real' parents afaic, my birth mother died when I was a baby and I never had any interest in tracing my birth father. His daughter (he remarried) contacted me a few years ago, he'd told her my name and date of birth and she put my details on a 'missing persons' page on FB. It was horrible, because I've only ever shared my adopted status (ie my own private business) with close friends, but several people recognised me as my first name is quite unusual. To be fair on her, I don't think her Father had told her the full story. Clearly not a nice man.
As others have said, be sure to have counselling, and be sure it is something you absolutely want to do.

Not exactly the same but -

I tracked down my real dad and he was an arsehole. Wish I never had.

My ExP tracked his dad down and he was a sweetheart.

Really hope you have the latter experience. If it's something you really want for closure than go for it. If things don't go well, please don't blame yourself like many do.

Made me fully realise my adopted father is the best father I could have ever asked for.

Best of luck 💐

I think you have to be honest about how kindly disposed you feel towards your birth mother. Being interested in your heritage isn't enough. Adult DS is adopted and has never made contact with BM, because he is deep down extremely angry with her. You also need to consider your own resilience and boundaries. You could well be meeting an extremely needy and damaged person. DS is aware that right now, he has not got the space in his life to feel responsible for her.

A friend of mine tracked down his half sister who had been given up for adoption by his mother, he was in his late 30s and she was in her early 40s. They all got along great and had a good few years as a bigger family before she unexpectedly passed away a few years later. They are all so glad they had her in their lives for the length of time that they did.

Hope it works out how you want

My SIL was forced to give her baby up in the mid 60s. She eventually reconnected with him in the late 90s. They have a relationship now which is positive for both of them.

I have two cousins via adoption.

One has recently traced her birth mother who unfortunately had passed away, she has several half siblings some of whom are happy to have found a big sister they knew nothing about. Some of whom completely rejected her.

Then she found her father who had no idea she existed, he's an American and she also has half siblings in the USA who she has visited.

A friend of mine had a grand daughter who had to be adopted, but who was allowed to make contact in her late teens via social services, there is now a regular face time 'group chat' between my friend, her daughter (adoptees birth mother) grand daughter (who was adopted) and other family members, including my friend's great grand son.

Oh one thing my friend had insisted on was that the child's ethnicity was clearly stated on any paperwork as my friend is black but her daughter and grand daughter are white.

Good luck, take the advice of the social worker and be prepared that it might be a long journey.

I don't think you can really prepare for how you might feel to find out that for instance your BM went onto have more children very quickly after you were adopted, or that in fact your BF did want to get married and keep you but it was your BM who felt differently. By the time you have answers available make sure you are not in a particularly vulnerable time of life and seeking validation you might not get.

Thanks for the responses, all.

To answer a query, I have DC aged 20 and 17. I haven’t talked it over with them yet.

Hi Op
I have, similar background to yours, in certain aspect,but different in other aspects,
My bith mother was in and out of being sectioned hospitals for her severely mental health ,(loath the word mental, ( as its such loaded, negative word in our society, i prefer the word emotional Health,
My Gran tried to, unsuccessful challenge the adoption process,
I know that,
She tried to keep us all together, but Birmingham social services in their wisdom, they had a shit reputation, dont know if thats still the case, ?) split us all up,
I am oldest out of 8 sisters/brothers,
Spend most of childhood in various children's homes , rest of my family were put in varies different Foster homes, saving grace, they knew about each other/and were Able to keep in touch certain extant,

I was born early 70s , adopted as 10 Yr old, moved to a different country, Trans racial adoption,

I went through social services ,to trace them, first,
Also had Baranados charity a lovely guy helped to prepare me to meet my birth family ,
Also (NOCAP) charity helped to prepare me, throughly with process aswell,
Not sure if they are still around anymore?

It's essentially important you are prepared whether with a similar minded charities/organisations I saw, and / or have good effective counselling before you meet birth mother
So you are prepared to a certain extant emotionally for the reason that you go into this,
Whithout Rose tinted glasses type of thinking,
Basically it's to prepare yourself, so any potential family skeletons 💀 in your birth mother's family, or in the worst case senerio
your birth mother didn't want to meet you,

That you are emotionally are much more prepared, therefore stronger,not in so much of vunerable position emotionally,
about potential finding out about stuff in relation to your birth mother past/or her family backgroun,
So you are aware,
For e.g cause I lost my adoptive mother and father by the time I was 18 yrs ago, through bereavement and rejection as I couldn't handle my adoptive mothers death at 15,yrs age and I went off the rails, coming a teenager mother 18 yrs,
My adoptive father disowned me,

So I was looking for fantasty rose 🌹 tinted family to replace my adoptive parents parents,