Contacting birth mother - adult adoptee

[Teado]

I’d appreciate advice. Thank you.

I was born in the early 1970s to an unmarried teen whose parents were unwilling to support her as a single parent. Her boyfriend refused to marry. That’s all I know other than her height, hair colour and her A Level subjects. My adoptive parents kept all the adoption paperwork and this basic info was in a letter from the social worker to them.

My adoptive parents never hid the fact that I was adopted so I always knew, and they gave me the paperwork when I was 17 on the basis that I may want to trace my birth mother at or after the age of 18. That time has now come, several years later.

There are two stories of tracing birth mothers in my social circle that were not positive. There is one that was positive. So I’m not expecting fairytales.

I want to do it because I am curious about my heritage. I also want to know if it was one of these “forced adoptions” that were in the news. I was definitely with a foster parent at some stage according to the paperwork (my parents kept a note from the foster mother outlining my routines etc among that paperwork but it is undated). I had a different birth name to my current name, so it seems that my birth mother was “allowed” to register my birth. Don’t know if those things are relevant.

I contacted social services who are going to locate my file via the archive team. I have been allocated a very nice case worker, who wants to meet up before I can see the file.

Has anyone who was adopted in the 1980s or earlier traced their bio family? Anyone the half-sibling of a baby who was removed and who later got in touch? Any retired social workers on here who dealt with adoptions 40+ years ago? I have confidence in my case worker but any insight would be very handy!

I met my birth family , sisters and brothers and Gran Aunties and uncles
It worked out of sorts in certain extant for a while,
But cause I haven't been brought up by them,
Therefore it's a weird background let's face it,
It's not normal,
There is something missing feeling, and I felt I got on with them on a surface level nothing much deeper,
I felt I struggled to really find my place in birth family set up,
I was desperate to fit in, I was accepted , but I allways felt I had to just accept everything as being that's just the way things were like/turned out for us as a family,
It's not our fault,
But I have a feeling there was much more to my background with them, them,
that there were gaps missing they wanted to not talk deeper about, just skim around,
As in everything all jolly now we have finally all met all,
I felt like I was a family friend not a real family member,
I had the opportunity of meeting real birth mother, but cause of my shit life childhood experinces of being abandoned by her ,
I didn't feel I wanted to meet her

I couldn't talk about anything deeper as I would making them feel too uncomfortable,

Even though I suspect if they were in a reverse situation just like myself,
My senior birth family members would be quick to put me straight about how they would feel about this how it affected them, in all way in regards

It was all about creating good comfort food to make up for my extremely shitty childhood experinces,
Unfortunately food can't make up for shitty childhood experiences and the CPSTD ,(Complex Post STress Disorder I strongly suspect I have...

Anyone the half-sibling of a baby who was removed and who later got in touch

My older half-sibling was born and adopted in 1965. Not a 'forced' adoption but definitely not my mother's choice, she was only young. He traced us when he was 21, that's the first I heard of him or what had happened to my mum.

Many years ago now. It was very exciting and interesting then, now it's just an accepted fact. He has his adoptive parents and sibling, who are his 'real' family. Tracing our mum hasn't changed that which is as it should be. We're 'extra' family, like acquiring an aunt and cousins.

I expect it runs deeper for my mum and half-brother, an elemental question that's been answered. They both know the outcome of each other's stories. They've been present at big events (weddings, significant birthdays).

I do know my mum is very glad to have contact with him but she can also find it very difficult (even now, more than 50 years after it happened and 30 since he got in touch) because it brings back upsetting memories that she'd rather leave unturned.

Best of luck.

I was born in 1963 so a bit earlier than you. I found my birth mother in 2000; she was delighted to hear from me and we have had a good relationship ever since. I tend to call her by her first name unless I want something in which case it's Muuummmmyyy!! I found my biological father a couple of months ago - sadly he's in the last stages of Alzheimers so we can't have a relationship but I now have a huge extended family in the US, all of whom have been extremely kind and welcoming.

Yes as others have said, the relationship I've ended up with is more like a long lost cousin or something, not like a parent child relationship.

I should also say that my (adopted) sister has had a less good experience than me. She traced her mum via the internet 25 years ago, they met and keep in touch but her mum turned out to be quite a false character, claimed she'd always been looking for her but had no evidence to back this up (just one example).

However it turned out my sister had a brother and she gets on really well with him, they see each other quite regularly.

Her mum gave DSis her dad's contact details but he has always refused to have anything to do with DSis. Two of his sons have had intermittent contact with her. Her dad has now died so she never got to meet him. 😞

My SIL is adopted.
She reunited with her biological mother when in her 40s, and her children were just at school.
It is wonderful that they have regular communication as they are alike and share a deep understanding of each other.

Her Mum is a pensioner and loves all of her grandchildren though has limited interaction.
My SIL has a really interesting and talented family tree and also has some illnesses in the family that are better known about.
They have not suffocated each other but it is a positive adult realationship.
My SIL and her birth mother decided early on to not be judgemental of each other or their pasts. So it is a purposefully unconditional love realationship.

Sad or unfortunate facts are in many families.
It is what it is, imperfect of course; you can know about it or not but the facts don't change..
Good luck.

My aunt's baby was adopted. I'm a bit vague about the dates but the child got in touch as an adult. My aunt didn't feel able to have contact but wrote a letter explaining the circumstances of the baby's birth, gave some background about both parents and extended family, i think included a couple of photos of her when she was younger but no current photos. I think she was genuinely pleased to hear that her baby had grown up to be happy and well but just didn't feel able to be in touch.

My aunt never married or had any other children. She was sad all her life, all the time I knew her at least. But I don't know if the adoption was the reason.

She got one letter back saying thank you for the info, understood that my aunt couldn't be in contact, wished her well. There was also an envelope in there with a photo. The envelope was sealed so my aunt had advance warning and could open it or not. When my aunt died and my brother and I were clearing out her house we found it in her bedside drawer unopened.

For all she found it difficult my mum thinks that my aunt honestly was glad to hear from her and glad to tell her something of her story.

So in our experience you should definitely give it a go but have realistic expectations. It wasn't a fairytale ending but it was cathartic in a way for my aunt and hopefully helpful to the child, even though they didn't ever meet. Maybe she was hoping for more, maybe the letter was more thanbshe was hoping for, who knows.

(We still have the unopened envelope of photos, my mum has it now. No idea if we'll ever open it but we can't throw it away either)

I know two people adopted in the 60s / 70s who now have very fulfilling relationships with birth families:

One who was given up as a newborn baby by my aunt - her existence came as an enormous shock to us all a few years back but although her birth mum is sadly now dead, siblings and aunts / uncles and cousins have all welcomed her. This lady - my cousin - has also traced her birth father and has spoken to him; he knew about her existence, but cannot have a relationship with her as his wife of many decades does not know.

Also a friend who found his birth parents still together (they had been unmarried teenagers when he was born) and had gone on to have other children - he has been welcomed back in to their family like the prodigal son.

The only other two people who were adopted in that period and I know well enough to ask, have not pursued family relationships. One traced her birth mother but information surfacing about difficult family circumstances eventually led to her choosing not to make contact. The other has no desire to know about her birth family so has never done it.

OP, I would post this on the Mn adoption board, which has a lot of kind, knowledgeable posters — I would say that you’re absolutely correct to do this through the official channels, and that you should access as much support as possible. Specialist counselling ideally.

A friend of mine did it, but the response was not what she'd hoped for. Her birth mother had died, but she did meet her birth father. They had married after she was given up and went on to have other children. She met the other children , but after that one meeting, they all ghosted her and she has never seen or heard from them again. She was devastated, as she'd not had a happy life and she had great ideas of a wonderful birth family who would welcome her back into the fold. This all happened several years ago and she has never spoken about it again - it must be so painful for her.

My cousin was adopted by my aunt in the seventies. She did get in touch with her birth father as an adult who really wanted to know her. He hadn’t wanted to give her up. Her brother also tried to contact her but she didn’t feel able to respond. Her mother had had a very chaotic life and didn’t want to know: She decided not to contact her father again after the initial meeting which must have been devastating for him.

I was adopted at birth in 1988, and grown up knowing I was adopted. 12 years ago I fell out with my adopted brother. He put my DC's life at risk and shit basically hit the fan. My adopted parents sided with him - something they did all through my childhood - which resulting in me falling out with them too and we didn't talk for 18 months. In that time I decided to track down my birth mother, she lived 20 minutes from me. I sent her a message saying I didn't want a relationship with her or looking for another mum, I just wanted to let her know I was ok and to have some family history.
She replied a few days later and told me I ruined her life at 18 and just done it again, that it was to late to abort me so tried to miscarry me, I was the result of rape, she beat her stomach every day in hopes that I would die, I ruined her body and she could never forgive me. It fucking hurt to hear! She was so brutal and it took me years to get over being rejected all over again.

My adoptive brother reached out to his mum, totally different story, she was over the moon to hear from him, had a big family meet with our adoptive parents and it made it to the local newspaper. They stayed in contact for a while but eventually she started asking him for money, when he said no she vanished and he hasn't heard from her in years.

I've thought about trying to find my bio father as despite what my bio mother said. According to my adoption records they were in a long term relationship which ended just before she found out she was pregnant with me. But the fear of wondering if he actually was a rapist has stopped me so far. But it's always on my mind.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do. It didn't work out for me and took me a while to get over what happened but that doesn't mean it will happen to you.

How awful for you. Really sobering story. Hope you’re okay now.

As a student SW I searched for the mother of a young woman who had been adopted. I located her and made contact but she wanted absolutely nothing to do with her daughter. She had married and had other children. Her husband knew nothing of the adopted child. She had had her at age 14 and put it behind her. It was difficult for the young woman but she understood and was gratified even with the scant information I could give her.

@Ishouldbeoutside I'm better now but it was a bumpy recovery and I did have therapy to help. I have my own lovely family and my relationship with my adoptive parents is wonderful. I still haven't spoken to my adoptive brother in those 12 years and I miss him but there is progress there now and we (me and my adoptive parents) are hoping we can one day be civil.
I have become a much more guarded person now because of it, not so willing to show my emotions to people other than DH and do have some abandonment fears but I'm in a good place, loving life and remind my children everyday how wonderful and loved they are.

I am in a reunion that has lasted 20 years so it is possible to develop a long term good relationship.

*I was born in the early 1970s to an unmarried teen whose parents were unwilling to support her as a single parent. Her boyfriend refused to marry."
With regard to "forced adoptions" that have been in the news, your birth mother's story sounds like what I think this means. She had no support from family or partner, and housing, benefits and childcare would have been virtually impossible on her own. There was therefore no choice but adoption, even though most women wanted to keep their babies.

I recommend specialist counselling from somewhere like the Post Adoption Centre before searching. You need to be prepared for any outcome from a possible rejection to an overwhelmingly emotional connection or an offer of information but no meeting to your birth mother being dead. I think most people are pleased to have searched and gained information even if it does not become a long lasting relationship.

@shieldmaiden7 I'm so sorry to hear your experience but very glad you have good things in your life now.

Thanks everyone. I do appreciate the input.

I will return to this thread with any updates!

Just a thought maybe your letter to him was opened by somebody else and binned or shredded?

@stinkfaceison I thought about the fact that that could have happened, although I addressed it clearly, it was definitely the right address and I marked it Private. I now have further information however which confirms that he has chosen to ignore me, as I have been in contact with a relative of his and I am aware that he and various family members definitely know I exist. He is 80 this year, so I guess he has chosen to never get in contact...

Sorry to hear that . His loss .

I was adopted in 1970 and traced my birth parents when I was 25. I am still in touch with both birth parents and half siblings. It can cause problems and open up issues but my story is a positive one. I had counselling before receiving my notes so I was prepared. My brother was also adopted but has never looked into his birth family.

Any questions, feel free to PM me!

I thought I’d update this thread.

I met my social worker a couple of weeks ago. I was surprised to discover that I was the second child that my mother had conceived as a teen and given up for adoption. She’d had a little girl when she was 17 and then me at 18. The social worker at the time had written that he felt that my mother was capable of keeping me and raising me with support. However, her parents were uncooperative. He noted that her parents were very strict, conservative, deeply religious people and that my grandfather had a role in the community that wouldn’t withstand scandal - think judge/MP/minister, that sort of thing. So, my mother had no choice but to give me up. She had an older unmarried sister, a law student, who tried to advocate for her but their parents were unyielding.

My mother had been sent to a mother and baby home run by a religious charity on both occasions.

My social worker rang me yesterday. She has located my half-sister. At my request she will write to her next week (in a discreet way, of course). She is struggling to locate our mother, who has a common surname and may well have married and changed it anyway, but will keep trying. It’s a bit of a worry because my mother’s first name is very unusual with an archaic spelling, so I thought she’d be quite simple to find. The social worker also has a date of birth for her, although I haven’t been told it. I’ve looked for her on social media to no avail. I also know my aunt’s name (the kind older sister who tried to help her) but can’t find her on Facebook either. I’ve also googled my aunt’s name with “solicitor” and “barrister” after it but no success. She’d be retired now, anyway, and is possibly married with a different name. And all that said, I think I should leave it to the professionals because it’s such a sensitive topic.

Thanks again to everyone who posted!

Try Long Lost Family? How exciting! Thanks for the update.

Maybe watch ‘long last families’ and the ‘Long lost families - What happened next’. I remember on an early series, there was a real mixture on the ‘what happened next’. Some united families were fully integrated, others had a birthday/Christmas type relationship, and some relationships didn’t continue. I seem to recall one parent wanted to much involvement, and was too opiniated , so the son withdraw contact.

I was adopted in 1965 - I got in contact with my birth mum’s 2 other children at 51 - she had passed away, and her family had only learned of my existence at that point so they were already aware of me at least - and curious.

I learned some vital health information and see my brother but it caused some real upset for my sister and some for the family too, and it’s a bit hard/weird at times.
My parents never knew I did this, as they didn’t agree with it, and asked me years ago not to do it, so I feel guilty about that a bit.
It’s really interesting to see what similarities we have in the genetic family, really odd to have blood relatives other than kids after 50 years, and I am on balance glad I did it, as for me I wanted to know my ‘heritage’ if that’s the right word. It’s difficult to define that drive - it wasn’t for a new to me family, but I never lost interest in wanting to know. I’m also glad my kids finally saw options as to who they might look like/be like apart from their father’s family or me 🤣
I had traced my records at 18 via social services but they were very limited and also not that accurate I found when I got in touch with siblings. Social worker tried to contact my birth mum when I had my first child and decided to try, quite a harsh rebuff from her parents, which was pretty upsetting though I was still young, maybe I’d be more pragmatic a bit older, but it is like an automatic hurt even if you think realistically there’s no real reason as you didn’t know them. Do take counselling and hope it goes well, at the least you may have some gaps filled in.