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Original poster

Contacting birth mother - adult adoptee

76 replies

Teado · 02/04/2023 22:40

I’d appreciate advice. Thank you.

I was born in the early 1970s to an unmarried teen whose parents were unwilling to support her as a single parent. Her boyfriend refused to marry. That’s all I know other than her height, hair colour and her A Level subjects. My adoptive parents kept all the adoption paperwork and this basic info was in a letter from the social worker to them.

My adoptive parents never hid the fact that I was adopted so I always knew, and they gave me the paperwork when I was 17 on the basis that I may want to trace my birth mother at or after the age of 18. That time has now come, several years later.

There are two stories of tracing birth mothers in my social circle that were not positive. There is one that was positive. So I’m not expecting fairytales.

I want to do it because I am curious about my heritage. I also want to know if it was one of these “forced adoptions” that were in the news. I was definitely with a foster parent at some stage according to the paperwork (my parents kept a note from the foster mother outlining my routines etc among that paperwork but it is undated). I had a different birth name to my current name, so it seems that my birth mother was “allowed” to register my birth. Don’t know if those things are relevant.

I contacted social services who are going to locate my file via the archive team. I have been allocated a very nice case worker, who wants to meet up before I can see the file.

Has anyone who was adopted in the 1980s or earlier traced their bio family? Anyone the half-sibling of a baby who was removed and who later got in touch? Any retired social workers on here who dealt with adoptions 40+ years ago? I have confidence in my case worker but any insight would be very handy!

OP posts:
2bazookas · 13/05/2023 21:05

It was normal (in fact essential) for the child's birth to be registered, commonly by the birth mother (BM) using a baby name she chose. The adoptive parents then changed the child's first name. It was common for newborns awaiting adoption to be placed with a foster family arranged by SW. Neither of those events in your history have any untoward meaning.

Your BM may have joined a register of mothers who would welcome contact from their adopted child; SW counsellor can point you to it.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 13/05/2023 21:15

My BiL was adopted. He traced his birth mother about 20.years ago. She is quite a chaotic person, and he found that quite difficult to cope with.

She never had more children. She's now in her 80s and BiL feels really responsible for her so is helping her financially and emotionally. He's a lovely man so doesn't resent it, but someone else might

Jenee · 13/05/2023 21:30

I have a friend in an identical situation to you. The birth mother had a strong relationship with the elder child, who she kept, but no desire to meet her second, who was put up for adoption because of parental pressure. The confusion and hurt have been immense. I hope it doesn’t happen to you.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
SmashedApricot · 13/05/2023 21:30

Teado · 13/05/2023 20:17

I thought I’d update this thread.

I met my social worker a couple of weeks ago. I was surprised to discover that I was the second child that my mother had conceived as a teen and given up for adoption. She’d had a little girl when she was 17 and then me at 18. The social worker at the time had written that he felt that my mother was capable of keeping me and raising me with support. However, her parents were uncooperative. He noted that her parents were very strict, conservative, deeply religious people and that my grandfather had a role in the community that wouldn’t withstand scandal - think judge/MP/minister, that sort of thing. So, my mother had no choice but to give me up. She had an older unmarried sister, a law student, who tried to advocate for her but their parents were unyielding.

My mother had been sent to a mother and baby home run by a religious charity on both occasions.

My social worker rang me yesterday. She has located my half-sister. At my request she will write to her next week (in a discreet way, of course). She is struggling to locate our mother, who has a common surname and may well have married and changed it anyway, but will keep trying. It’s a bit of a worry because my mother’s first name is very unusual with an archaic spelling, so I thought she’d be quite simple to find. The social worker also has a date of birth for her, although I haven’t been told it. I’ve looked for her on social media to no avail. I also know my aunt’s name (the kind older sister who tried to help her) but can’t find her on Facebook either. I’ve also googled my aunt’s name with “solicitor” and “barrister” after it but no success. She’d be retired now, anyway, and is possibly married with a different name. And all that said, I think I should leave it to the professionals because it’s such a sensitive topic.

Thanks again to everyone who posted!

Try free bmd . You might get lucky with such an unusual first name . Good luck

Toomanylatenightprogs · 13/05/2023 22:55

Thanks for sharing your update. I’m glad you’re making progress in your search though it must seem agonisingly slow.
Just for some context re the 70s, unmarried girls very often couldn’t get contraception from a doctor. 16 /17 year old friend was called a slut by her GP and told to get out before he contacted her parents. Yes, she became pregnant, they were pushed into marriage and she suffered years of abuse.
Girl in the next bed to me on post natal ward was single 19/20 year old( I was only 17 and been married a few months before the birth) She was pointedly and loudly referred to as Miss Smith by all the nurses, some just a couple of years older. Daughter of local shop owners had a baby in her teens, kept the baby as her parents supported her — older women would actually turn their backs on her. If you were a teenager having sex, and there was the proof, you were treated like a pariah. When my child was about 3 and called me mummy in a small local shop ( village) the shop owner spluttered that they’d always thought my DH was a widower and I must be the family nanny! Weird times.

Best of luck with the next part of your journey, I hope it all goes well.

Malbecmoron · 14/05/2023 00:33

Teado · 13/05/2023 20:17

I thought I’d update this thread.

I met my social worker a couple of weeks ago. I was surprised to discover that I was the second child that my mother had conceived as a teen and given up for adoption. She’d had a little girl when she was 17 and then me at 18. The social worker at the time had written that he felt that my mother was capable of keeping me and raising me with support. However, her parents were uncooperative. He noted that her parents were very strict, conservative, deeply religious people and that my grandfather had a role in the community that wouldn’t withstand scandal - think judge/MP/minister, that sort of thing. So, my mother had no choice but to give me up. She had an older unmarried sister, a law student, who tried to advocate for her but their parents were unyielding.

My mother had been sent to a mother and baby home run by a religious charity on both occasions.

My social worker rang me yesterday. She has located my half-sister. At my request she will write to her next week (in a discreet way, of course). She is struggling to locate our mother, who has a common surname and may well have married and changed it anyway, but will keep trying. It’s a bit of a worry because my mother’s first name is very unusual with an archaic spelling, so I thought she’d be quite simple to find. The social worker also has a date of birth for her, although I haven’t been told it. I’ve looked for her on social media to no avail. I also know my aunt’s name (the kind older sister who tried to help her) but can’t find her on Facebook either. I’ve also googled my aunt’s name with “solicitor” and “barrister” after it but no success. She’d be retired now, anyway, and is possibly married with a different name. And all that said, I think I should leave it to the professionals because it’s such a sensitive topic.

Thanks again to everyone who posted!

That all sounds very promising. Good luck.

Goodfuckingriddance · 14/05/2023 12:57

Your adoption story is almost exactly like mine and by fluke I managed to trace my BM , wish you good luck x

Shouldertocryon1 · 15/05/2023 15:08

I too have always known I was adopted and although I knew I was loved by my mum and dad never felt like i quite fitted in with there ideals. Looked into my file at 18 & 30 (after the birth of my 1st) but never felt emotionally strong enough to proceed. My sister found her birth family and didn't like what she found so cut contact. I knew I could never do that so needed to wait until I felt ready to cope with the good, the bad and the ugly. Got in contact via the power of facebook and have been very lucky to be accepted by them. 2 half siblings who didn't know about me but couldn't be happier and my BM husband who just treats me like one of his own. It is like I have found my tribe. Both my adult kids love them and spend a week with them each year. I know not everyone is as fortunate as me but my advise would be go for it. Good luck

Mumtobabyhavoc · 15/05/2023 15:28

Haven't rtft but has anyone mentioned doing a dna test yet? ie ancestry etc? It's quite amazing what cam be uncovered. 🤓

user1471538283 · 15/05/2023 16:37

Kind of from the other side of this. One of my cousin's was adopted and he traced his birth mother and our grandparents. Everyone was delighted and I was so looking forward to meeting him.

But he just wanted to know who his birth father was and his birth mother couldn't tell him. So we never heard from him again as is his right. I still think about him.

I do hope you have a positive outcome.

BastardChild · 16/05/2023 11:19

Mumtobabyhavoc · 15/05/2023 15:28

Haven't rtft but has anyone mentioned doing a dna test yet? ie ancestry etc? It's quite amazing what cam be uncovered. 🤓

You're right, in as much it can very quickly join some dots.

"Kept" people, as in those not relinquished, (as I suspect you might be?) don't often understand the impact of having your entire world view and self image shifted in an instant by these sorts of revelations.

It's really, really, fucking hard on you psychologically and isn't like some soft focus reunion that you might have seen on tv in the past.

Iwasafool · 16/05/2023 12:51

I know two cases. In one the birth mother was thrilled and wanted a relationship, the daughter was horrified at her birth mother and wanted nothing to do with her. She said she was very common and rough, she'd been adopted by a well off couple and had a very expensive private education and her birth mother wasn't what she wanted.

The other was a woman who left her husband and twin babies and subsequently agreed to the husband's new wife adopting them. She met them and it was really good but she got very possessive and when Christmas came round and the adult twins chose to spend the holiday with their father and adoptive mother she got quite nasty about it and it damaged the relationship.

I hope it goes well for you OP.

SmashedApricot · 16/05/2023 13:39

Iwasafool · 16/05/2023 12:51

I know two cases. In one the birth mother was thrilled and wanted a relationship, the daughter was horrified at her birth mother and wanted nothing to do with her. She said she was very common and rough, she'd been adopted by a well off couple and had a very expensive private education and her birth mother wasn't what she wanted.

The other was a woman who left her husband and twin babies and subsequently agreed to the husband's new wife adopting them. She met them and it was really good but she got very possessive and when Christmas came round and the adult twins chose to spend the holiday with their father and adoptive mother she got quite nasty about it and it damaged the relationship.

I hope it goes well for you OP.

That's so awful for the mum who got rejected for being rough . It seems strange that the adoptee had no idea what her bio mum was going to be like before getting in touch .

Notworryingdarling · 16/05/2023 14:05

I don't want to jump on your thread @Teado but this really resonated with me. I was born very late in 1979 so adopted in 1980, but otherwise my circumstances are almost identical to yours. I have thought for ages about registering for the Adoption Contact Register and feel like this year I will but never seem to go through with it. I was totally unaware about getting a case worker etc though and wonder if you could tell me more about this process please? I was unaware adult adoptees could get this support. Is it to do with being adopted prior to 1975 and needing a counselling session? And out of interest, does anyone know why adopted after this are no longer required to get counselling?

BastardChild · 16/05/2023 15:12

Notworryingdarling · 16/05/2023 14:05

I don't want to jump on your thread @Teado but this really resonated with me. I was born very late in 1979 so adopted in 1980, but otherwise my circumstances are almost identical to yours. I have thought for ages about registering for the Adoption Contact Register and feel like this year I will but never seem to go through with it. I was totally unaware about getting a case worker etc though and wonder if you could tell me more about this process please? I was unaware adult adoptees could get this support. Is it to do with being adopted prior to 1975 and needing a counselling session? And out of interest, does anyone know why adopted after this are no longer required to get counselling?

adultadoptee.org.uk/ @Notworryingdarling have a look around here.

Ishouldbeoutside · 16/05/2023 16:05

SmashedApricot · 16/05/2023 13:39

That's so awful for the mum who got rejected for being rough . It seems strange that the adoptee had no idea what her bio mum was going to be like before getting in touch .

Show quote history

My thoughts too . How heartbreaking for her poor mother to lose her twice.

Original poster
Teado · 16/05/2023 17:18

Thanks again, everyone.

@Notworryingdarling - I emailed the adoption team within the council with as much detail as I knew. Someone rang me quite quickly and said that they’d locate my file (hopefully) and that I’d need to come in “for a chat” when that had been done. With boundary changes to councils, counties disappearing, towns becoming cities etc etc it can be quite hard to pinpoint the relevant archive, so the more info you have, the better. Good luck.

OP posts:
LaMaG · 16/05/2023 17:50

Hi, I haven't read all posts as I want to get this down quickly before kids land on me! I have been in your position and one piece of advice is to be sure you are in a good head space and "settled" in your life in terms of who you are etc, otherwise it could become confusing. For me, it was curiosity driven and I don't regret it at all. I was born and raised in Rep of Ireland so the system is different and I knew that the mothers wishes in 1970s were disregarded, so i felt no sense of anger towards this woman as I understood the choice was never hers. In fact I felt a sense of guilt if I was prised from her arms, and a sense of gratitude that she had made my family so happy and given me life, where most young women these days wouldnt dream of making such a sacrifice. That was my view anyhow, i know not everyone would agree. My biggest fear was she would never have recovered, or had MH problems or was in serious financial trouble or something and I would get sucked into it all. For this reason I was planning on as little relationship as possible.

We met after some correspondence and by then I learned she had adult kids and was at least, a functioning adult herself. We got on fine and I have to say I liked her, we are not dissimilar in disposition and both love to chat! I don't feel a huge emotional connection to her, she is I suppose the equivalent of a sperm donor or surrogate to me, and I was never looking for a mother figure. The luckiest thing for me was she wanted a similar relationship so there was no pressure. In fact, she was very keen to keep me at a distance and not introduce me to her children. This was mostly due to the fact her elderly mother still didn't know. Also, my bio father was from the same village and remained there with his wife and children, who went to the same school as hers and overlapped a bit socially. Its madness, a tiny village where I have 8 half siblings! Bio father's wife probably doesnt know even though she knows my bio mother so you can imagine the can of worms that would be opened if she told her own girls. One of them was employed by bio father!! I was happy to keep it just between us.

That was all 10 years ago and we have met maybe 5 times. we exchange Christmas cards and occasional whatsapp like if we are going on holidays or any special occasions. She sends me a small amount of money on my birthday but strangely has the day wrong by 2 days so I dont know if that is my real date, but you know it doesn't matter at the end of the day. She told me that the adoption was not forced and that she was treated well, although she wanted to give me away she struggled massively afterwards. I think she may have told me what I wanted to hear, but thats ok too!

Strangest part for me was a phone call about 4 years ago just before covid from gov agency requesting an appointment as there was a "duplication"on their system. Then they tell me another child was registered to the same mother and gave me his details, and arranged correspondence. I found out this half brother was born before me which kind of makes my backstory sound like a lot of BS, i had the typical story of foolish girl in love, rejected by boyfriend etc and it doesn't add up fully. That said, she may have been mortified by what happened and afraid of my judgement. I got on extremely well with this man and we had loads in common, mostly being raised by similar families rather than physical similarities. I met with him a few weeks ago and we had coffee and it was nice. He told bio mother we were meeting but she still hasnt told me about him, i thought she didn't know that I knew, but now she does and its still not mentioned. So I take everything she says with a pinch of salt now. I think she was very vulnerable and still is very emotionally insecure.

I think go for it OP but be very cautious, and be prepared for rejection too. If I had wanted an extended family i could have been very disappointed by her insistence that I stay away. I should mention my sister traced her roots too and had a similar experience and has met with her half siblings. Its all been very open and unemotional for us, neither of us regret it and its a relief for medical stuff. I'd often text bio mum asking did you ever have X or Y and she sends me info about any medical stuff as it arises. My mum died a long time ago so she has never been involved, I chose not to tell my Dad for lots of reasons.

Iwasafool · 16/05/2023 17:54

SmashedApricot · 16/05/2023 13:39

That's so awful for the mum who got rejected for being rough . It seems strange that the adoptee had no idea what her bio mum was going to be like before getting in touch .

Show quote history

It wasn't in the UK and I don't think there was much support. Her mum found her so she'd had no counselling or advice, just a letter from her birth mother and then they met up.

Iwasafool · 16/05/2023 17:58

LaMaG · 16/05/2023 17:50

Hi, I haven't read all posts as I want to get this down quickly before kids land on me! I have been in your position and one piece of advice is to be sure you are in a good head space and "settled" in your life in terms of who you are etc, otherwise it could become confusing. For me, it was curiosity driven and I don't regret it at all. I was born and raised in Rep of Ireland so the system is different and I knew that the mothers wishes in 1970s were disregarded, so i felt no sense of anger towards this woman as I understood the choice was never hers. In fact I felt a sense of guilt if I was prised from her arms, and a sense of gratitude that she had made my family so happy and given me life, where most young women these days wouldnt dream of making such a sacrifice. That was my view anyhow, i know not everyone would agree. My biggest fear was she would never have recovered, or had MH problems or was in serious financial trouble or something and I would get sucked into it all. For this reason I was planning on as little relationship as possible.

We met after some correspondence and by then I learned she had adult kids and was at least, a functioning adult herself. We got on fine and I have to say I liked her, we are not dissimilar in disposition and both love to chat! I don't feel a huge emotional connection to her, she is I suppose the equivalent of a sperm donor or surrogate to me, and I was never looking for a mother figure. The luckiest thing for me was she wanted a similar relationship so there was no pressure. In fact, she was very keen to keep me at a distance and not introduce me to her children. This was mostly due to the fact her elderly mother still didn't know. Also, my bio father was from the same village and remained there with his wife and children, who went to the same school as hers and overlapped a bit socially. Its madness, a tiny village where I have 8 half siblings! Bio father's wife probably doesnt know even though she knows my bio mother so you can imagine the can of worms that would be opened if she told her own girls. One of them was employed by bio father!! I was happy to keep it just between us.

That was all 10 years ago and we have met maybe 5 times. we exchange Christmas cards and occasional whatsapp like if we are going on holidays or any special occasions. She sends me a small amount of money on my birthday but strangely has the day wrong by 2 days so I dont know if that is my real date, but you know it doesn't matter at the end of the day. She told me that the adoption was not forced and that she was treated well, although she wanted to give me away she struggled massively afterwards. I think she may have told me what I wanted to hear, but thats ok too!

Strangest part for me was a phone call about 4 years ago just before covid from gov agency requesting an appointment as there was a "duplication"on their system. Then they tell me another child was registered to the same mother and gave me his details, and arranged correspondence. I found out this half brother was born before me which kind of makes my backstory sound like a lot of BS, i had the typical story of foolish girl in love, rejected by boyfriend etc and it doesn't add up fully. That said, she may have been mortified by what happened and afraid of my judgement. I got on extremely well with this man and we had loads in common, mostly being raised by similar families rather than physical similarities. I met with him a few weeks ago and we had coffee and it was nice. He told bio mother we were meeting but she still hasnt told me about him, i thought she didn't know that I knew, but now she does and its still not mentioned. So I take everything she says with a pinch of salt now. I think she was very vulnerable and still is very emotionally insecure.

I think go for it OP but be very cautious, and be prepared for rejection too. If I had wanted an extended family i could have been very disappointed by her insistence that I stay away. I should mention my sister traced her roots too and had a similar experience and has met with her half siblings. Its all been very open and unemotional for us, neither of us regret it and its a relief for medical stuff. I'd often text bio mum asking did you ever have X or Y and she sends me info about any medical stuff as it arises. My mum died a long time ago so she has never been involved, I chose not to tell my Dad for lots of reasons.

You sound like a lovely caring woman, no judgement of anyone. I'm glad you are content with how it has worked out.

LaMaG · 16/05/2023 18:06

Thanks for your kind words!!

I should add, I do not know if I will ever tell my children about this or will I take it to the grave. Mostly because of bio mothers wishes to not tell her people. My eldest is 15 and not mature enough to respect the boundaries, he would just LOVE the scandal of it all and probably blab all over social media. He has recently started talking about ancestry / DNA stuff and it puts the fear of God in me. It might throw up nothing, I look as similar to bio mum as I do to my adoptive family, pasty Irish and freckly!! But I could do without his meddling. I just change the topic and hope he doesnt go down that road.

Notworryingdarling · 16/05/2023 18:08

@BastardChild and @Teado thank you for replying, that link and extra information is really helpful. I got quite emotional reading your thread earlier @Teado so there is obviously a lot there for me. I wish you all the best going forward and hope it all works out for you. Would love to hear any updates you if that's not too nosy! Thank you to everyone else for sharing experiences as well.

happinessischocolate · 16/05/2023 18:35

I was adopted in the late 60s, and have met both my natural mother and father.

When we first got in contact someone recommended reading Nicky Campbells book about his adoption, and I would recommend it to anyone searching or looking to meet their parents.

He gained good relationships from it and bad ones, so it's a very well rounded view on how the process goes and the emotions you go through.

I first met my parents 18 years ago, I'm still in touch with many relatives on my fathers side but not my mothers, as my relationship with her was more complicated. She not a bad person though.

My adopted sister tried to contact her mother but was told she wasn't interest and to leave her alone, which she found very hard, especially as mine were welcoming.

It's a tough journey, and even in good relationships it can still be hard.

mumof2many1943 · 08/06/2023 09:48

My story is not the same however my mother dumped me when I was 6 on Paddington Station (no jokes please) My father picked me up later (seemed a long time to me but probably wasn’t) I never saw her again. When I was 50 I decided to contact her and wrote her a letter. I received a letter back telling me not to contact her again as I reminded her of the worst time in her life. She has another daughter who also refused to communicate with me. Somehow the second rejection was far worse. Hope all have better luck than me.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 08/06/2023 13:23

@mumof2many1943 I'm so sorry, that must be very hard