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Original poster

Gaming husband and no money left

29 replies

40weeksmummy · 02/04/2023 11:06

I just need some kind of advice/handhold as I'm really at the point that I have no idea what to do. I can't even cry as I understand I'm the only one who needs somehow to cope with all this shit for the sake of our kids.
We are married 8 years, have a child and I'm 40 weeks pregnant.
My husband had multiple gaming /gambling addictions in the past, he used to spend thousands. He spent over £4k savings once for an online game.
Every single time he promises he will stop but it only lasts few months.
I decided to divorce him, I'm just trying to survive few more months as I can give birth any day and I simply don't have where to go (no family in UK). So I need some time to sort out the things like moving out, rent, etc.
Last couple of weeks he started to take lots of cash from his account (I have an access to online banking).
I don't even bother to ask why, he'll start to say he didn't like lunch provided at work so he had to buy some food, he needed to top up his phone, etc. I also know he got some money from his father, so he spent around £300 last week (£300 is our monthly food budget!!!).
I had unexpected bill and paid it from my account leaving me with £4.65 left until next Thursday. So I wouldn't even have money for a taxi if labour would start.
l logged to his online banking and saw that he took another £60 yesterday so his account has few pennies left. I didn't have any other choice than transfer £50 to my account - as I know he would spend all his overdraft leaving us with ZERO. So at least, until Thursday, when I'll receive my maternity pay, I have money for food and taxi to hospital.
He was mad. I believe he already planned to spend every single penny from his overdraft for gaming.
I don't know even what kind of help or advice I'm asking. I just need a handhold...

OP posts:
Neolara · 02/04/2023 11:11

I'm sorry. This is absolutely terrible for you. I think you have no other option than to leave asap and separate your finances. But you already know this

Could his father help?

FishChipsMushyPeas · 02/04/2023 11:11

I'm not sure what to suggest to be honest. How do you guys split the bills? It's not OK if he's wasting money and leaving the household short. I understand its an addiction and he needs professional help but I am not sympathetic if he doesn't try to help himself while leaving you and the kids in shit.

Babyroobs · 02/04/2023 11:13

What is the situation with your housing - do you rent or own ? I think you need to financially seperate form this man now and then you can claim Universal credit as a lone parent to top up your mat pay. Once you are over the initial few weeks after birth, start looking for somewhere to rent. Speak to womens aid.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

3rd trimester General pregnancy
Passerillage · 02/04/2023 11:14

I have no legal training, but my gut reaction here (as someone who lives in the UK but is from another coutry, as I gather you mean you are too?) would be to come clean to your parents and go home now, before the baby is born. Get the baby born and registered at home.

I'm pretty sure there's not much he can do to get access to the baby if he or she is registered back home and not in England? At least not in the short term.

You'll still get your maternity pay paid into your bank account. Then you can stay with family until you accumulate some money and decide what to do next. You can't stay with him - he has a severe addiction which he values more than he values you or the baby.

You're too late to fly home, but are you from Ireland or somewhere in Europe and could go by car/ferry? I know it's enormously unappealing at 40 weeks, but I would do everything I could to not give birth in the UK and to get home to my parents.

Are you at risk of losing your home (rent/mortgage)?

Babyroobs · 02/04/2023 11:15

Passerillage · 02/04/2023 11:14

I have no legal training, but my gut reaction here (as someone who lives in the UK but is from another coutry, as I gather you mean you are too?) would be to come clean to your parents and go home now, before the baby is born. Get the baby born and registered at home.

I'm pretty sure there's not much he can do to get access to the baby if he or she is registered back home and not in England? At least not in the short term.

You'll still get your maternity pay paid into your bank account. Then you can stay with family until you accumulate some money and decide what to do next. You can't stay with him - he has a severe addiction which he values more than he values you or the baby.

You're too late to fly home, but are you from Ireland or somewhere in Europe and could go by car/ferry? I know it's enormously unappealing at 40 weeks, but I would do everything I could to not give birth in the UK and to get home to my parents.

Are you at risk of losing your home (rent/mortgage)?

Op is 40 weeks pregnant !

Passerillage · 02/04/2023 11:17

@Babyroobs I know, but for all we know she could be from Dublin and be currently living in Holyhead, or Belfast! Obviously not a huge amount of use if she is from the US etc.

Original poster
40weeksmummy · 02/04/2023 11:20

Thank you everyone.
*it would take ~48hrs to travel with car. I thought about it. But I can't do it as I'm with risky pregnancy, have some problems with placenta, so I could die without proper medical care.
*We are renting
*bills - as soon as he gets paid, I'm transferring some money to my account to pay bills, rent. If I wouldn't do that, he would spend everything in few days. We are in London, so my Maternity Pay is nothing with the prices here.... I'm counting every penny, cooking a lot, buying everything from charity shop, etc.

OP posts:
FishChipsMushyPeas · 02/04/2023 11:22

I think you need to transfer more than 'some' money until you separate. You need to make sure you have enough.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 02/04/2023 11:23

Can you out him to his father and appeal to the father for some money, for the sake of his grandchildren?

Original poster
40weeksmummy · 02/04/2023 11:24

Neolara · 02/04/2023 11:11

I'm sorry. This is absolutely terrible for you. I think you have no other option than to leave asap and separate your finances. But you already know this

Could his father help?

It's another story. My MIL hates me, if I would ask my FIL he would probably give me some money but then honestly, half of the UK would know my story second day. He would tell everything for his wife.
We claimed UC for childcare costs and she was the person who reported us as a benefit fraud. So you can imagine what kind of people they are....

OP posts:
user1471538283 · 02/04/2023 11:25

This is awful. It doesn't matter what he says you get as much money together as you possibly can for you and the DC. He can pay the rent and bills (which he won't but you are leaving soon).

He is seeing you and the DC go without to fund his ridiculous addiction.

Original poster
40weeksmummy · 02/04/2023 11:29

I'm honestly surprised I'm not in labour already. Every day is a nightmare - I can't sleep properly, I'm scared of any unexpected bill or purchase. I have terrible panic attacks and my biggest fear is that I won't cope with everything when second child is born. I also feel shame that I got pregnant, that I'm still with him.

OP posts:
FishChipsMushyPeas · 02/04/2023 11:33

That's happened though and can't be changed. Focus on yourself and your new baby and ensuring they don't have to live with him for too long.

PhillySub · 02/04/2023 13:50

Sorry OP but he isn't a Gamer, he is a Loser.

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 02/04/2023 13:58

That's not a gamer, that's a reckless spender.
I'd immediately transfer all money to your bank soon as he's paid and leave him with nothing until he learns.

Original poster
40weeksmummy · 02/04/2023 13:59

PhillySub · 02/04/2023 13:50

Sorry OP but he isn't a Gamer, he is a Loser.

He is. Unfortunately, I understood it too late.

OP posts:
Original poster
40weeksmummy · 02/04/2023 14:03

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 02/04/2023 13:58

That's not a gamer, that's a reckless spender.
I'd immediately transfer all money to your bank soon as he's paid and leave him with nothing until he learns.

I don't think I can legally do it, it's not a joint account, it's his personal one, I just have an access and all passwords.
He is more crazy every single day, I wouldn't be surprised if he would even block his online banking, etc.
He knows I will survive - I'll ask my friend, I'll stay without food, I'll use any available overdraft. He doesn't give a shit, he knows I will survive somehow.
And I will, I can't keep myself and my kids without food or clothes.

OP posts:
MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 02/04/2023 14:06

Ffs, your pregnant and going without food?

He's being financially abusive ring womens aid.

Original poster
40weeksmummy · 02/04/2023 14:12

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 02/04/2023 14:06

Ffs, your pregnant and going without food?

He's being financially abusive ring womens aid.

I had some days in the past when I really ate last bits from the fridge and cupboards. Because I had to pay bills. I was always sure my child is fed first. I learned the lesson so this is the reason I transferring money from his account to be sure it won't happen again.
I know I tolerated it too long. I know I should leave him earlier and never get pregnant with second one.

OP posts:
Bananananas · 02/04/2023 14:20

I'd walk out tomorrow and go straight to the council. Say your marriage has broken down and you're now homeless and broke. He won't change and you need to put yourself and your children first.

I don't normally advocate for leaving the country with a small child to deprive it from a parent but in this instance until he has shown demonstrable and permanent change I'd be moving to wherever I have a support network in your situation

SootspriteSearcher · 02/04/2023 14:28

You need to leave, he will never change. You need to do this for your children, growing up with this selfish waste of space will have a huge impact on them. Can you contact your health visitor for help? Be honest with them, they are there for you and can help you get all the support you need.

You could be entitled to healthy start vouchers for milk/fruit if you claim certain benefits. They also might refer you to a food bank, then at least you and your child can eat.

Check out olio for things like clothes you need and there is some food on there too. It's all free.

If you can get as much for free as possible that will save your maternity pay for necessities.

Antiquiteas · 02/04/2023 14:35

Set him on fire. What an absolute cunt he is.

determinedtomakethiswork · 02/04/2023 14:44

I would speak to women's aid as soon as possible and ask for help.

It is financial abuse. He is leaving you and your child without any money at all.

If your father-in-law would tell everyone then make sure he only gets a story that shows his son up in a bad light.

Original poster
40weeksmummy · 02/04/2023 14:57

I spoke with WA couple of weeks ago. My problem is that I'm in London. And I have super sensitive, SEN child.
They could help me to move to temporary accommodation (B&B or a room at some centres, but 100% it would be not London). And in case I will give birth, my child needs to stay 3 or 4 days with someone from their centres. And my child can't go to his school anymore. That would be a massive trauma for my child.
So I'm just trying to survive until I'll be able to find another way. I'm looking for any possibilities to rent something, my friend would help me with deposit and then I would claim UC.
Council can't do anything apart from leaflets they gave me which refer to the same WA.

OP posts:
Therealjudgejudy · 02/04/2023 15:08

OP this is so sad.

You absolutely must leave this loser