How do you manage life with young kids who are early risers?

[TheStuffalo]

We have two DC - DS 4 and DD 20 months. I work part time 4 days a week and DH works full time. I have Fridays with the kids.

I just feel like we are constantly struggling and nothing feels easy or fun. The kids wake between 4-5am. DH and I try to get to bed at 9:30pm but it's not always possible with chores/tidying.

we have a cleaner once a week but the house is a constant tip with stuff everywhere. It's nice for about an hour after the cleaner has gone but once the kids come home it's like the cleaner wasn't even here. We get the kids to "tidy" their toys away every evening but even then it just feels like such a jumble with clothes everywhere.

This winter we have all been constantly sick. It started with a bad bout of flu before Christmas and I have had six viruses since January and I can't remember the last time I felt normal. It was like this last year as Jan - May was a write off. I went for blood tests but everything was normal.

sleep is shit. DH and I try and alternate mornings so one of us can have a lie in but the kids always hunt me down. I haven't had a proper lie in since before DS was born.

we've become crap parents. Most mornings and evenings after they come back from childcare is in front of the tv. We do take them out on weekends when we aren't sick but recently it hasn't been much and a lot of the time we stay at home. We do try and take turns taking the kids out to give each other a rest but it never feels enough. We do try and take turns going out in the evening as well but I'm so knackered I don't want to. DH and I haven't had a date night since before DD was born.

There are pockets of joy but it's such hard work and DH and I never have time for ourselves. DS is quite active, strong willed and emotional which makes everything feel harder and means I experience a full range of extreme emotions all before 7am. He's a joyful little soul but the defiance and anger and shouting and crying all feels too much for me sometimes.

the lack of sleep is taking a massive toll on me mentally and physically and also on my work. The constant volley of emotions is also taking its toll. I feel like if the kids slept in until 6am it would make such a positive difference. Try as I might I've not been able to change their sleeping patterns.

how does everyone with early risers cope? How do people deal with the early wake ups? I know people say it gets better but it just feels never ending and I feel miserable right now.

This. It will be brutal initially, as they are used to being able to get up at silly o'clock and won't like the change, but will eventually catch on.

Mine used to get up early when they were toddlers but I always had a rule of not getting up before 6:45 and I told them this. I think they were just so bored of waiting for me to get up that they taught themselves to sleep until then.
I literally refuse to move unless they actually need me for a genuine reason.

@IHateLegDay Boss move. We are similar parents.

(Sorry OP. I really sympathise. Some great ideas on this thread, & this too shall pass, although it doesn’t feel like it).

You are the parents. You are in charge. No one gets up until 7am.

If you get up before 7am you get taken back to bed. You might have a few emotional mornings but they'll soon catch on and everyone will be all the better for it.

I used to work late so wouldn't put my son to bed until really quite late as otherwise I wouldn't see him. He then slept in too.

A few people were critical but he got the same amount of sleep as other children his age, but just went to bed later and got up later!

Worked well for us both!

That’s what I did with mine. A later bedtime. It felt more normal.

Gro clock was complete failure for our early riser. There was a tip from an MN post that worked though.
Very basic digital clock. Tape over the minutes with a piece of paper showing the number/time they need to wait for.
We started with 5 and then 6. Worked pretty well. DD still gets up at the absolute crack of dawn like clockwork but knows she needs to play quietly in her room until 6.
6.01 and she appears at our bedside fully dressed with her bed made and curtains opened!

We put the gro clock on and treat any wake up before 7am as a night time wake up. Returned them to bed quietly, every time.

Dts were like this and still are, gro clock, clocks, later bed times did fuck all.

We had to ride it out in the early years. They're 11 now, still awake at 6 every morning regardless of when they go to sleep but obviously now fend for themselves when they get up.

Ds has reverted to waking at 6 or thereabouts after the clock change. Before that it was 5 and it is horrendous. I tried to follow all the advice about Gro clocks and treat as a night waking but made no difference, all that happened was he’d cry until it was time to get up which really didn’t start the day nicely. I found the more I stressed about it the worse it made it so I just resigned myself to hideous early starts.

I agree with others though. I do think life with very little children is just exhausting beyond belief, especially if they don’t sleep.

Aww OP I get it. My DC are a bit older at 5 and 7 but we've always had sleep issues. Both were poor sleepers during the baby and toddler stages. DD now at 7 will sleep until 8 if we let her, but DS still sometimes wakes during the night and noisily comes to find us. He's also an early riser although thankfully it's more like 5.30/6 never thought I'd be grateful for a 5.30 start

DS sounds a lot like your son. Very charming and adorable, but prone to huge meltdowns and frustration. It is exhausting and takes its toll on us as parents.

What has helped is reward charts but tbh only as he reached 5, at 4 they had no impact.

Lovely suggestion from a PP about a packed breakfast, but there's no bloody way my DS would sit and do that! Once he's up he needs to come and find us and that's that...

Me and DH do try to give each a break and that has got easier but DS always want to find Mummy.

Hope your health improves, my friend is going through the same, constantly getting virus after bug after virus. When you're stressed and not sleeping, it's hard to get well.

Good luck, I promise you it will get easier, but be very kind to yourself and do what you have to in order to survive.

You work 4 days so it would always be hard with two kids that don't sleep well. Dont be unkind tp yourself, you aren't failing but it would be expected for you to be knackered. Can you reduce hours for a while?

Does your 20 month old nap still? What time is bedtime? Have you tried a sleep consultant for your youngest?

Don't think it's the early mornings, it's just young kids. I have a 5, 3 and 1 year old. 5 year old has always gotten up between 5 and 6.30. 3 year old gets up multiple times a night. I work Nightshift, wife works dayshifts. We have noone to look after kids except ourselves. When I come home from work the baby wants fed and they all actively seek me out. So I get max of 3 hours sleep. I'm constantly exhausted. We do go out with them, walks, soft play, bikes, shopping, etc. Their energy is endless lol I wish I could have a little more energy. They are only little for a short time. But the struggle is real x

What time do they go to bed and do they nap during the day?

I know people mean well with these sorts of answers but I also know for ds it makes not a blind bit of difference. I think this is where it can become stressful and you can end up obsessing over nap lengths and bedtimes and it just doesn’t work for all children.

@Honeypotday I also think some people mean well by saying “just accept it, some children just wake up at 4am” but that’s also not helpful and not true. Waking up at 4am is a habit and all habits can be changed. If you had a child who kept repeating a dangerous behaviour you wouldn’t just leave them to it because you had tried everything and it didn’t work.

My eldest has always woken early and like pp nothing has worked to fix this really. Shes 7 now and still often wakes before 6, but just reads in bed until she’s allowed to wake me up.

When they were small I used to be religious about evening bed time so that they still got enough sleep. And I went to bed at children bed time once a week which helped massively.

Now that your kids are 2 and 4 it should be feasible for one parent to look after them for a weekend reasonably easily. Could each of you have a couple of nights away every couple of months. It’s amazing how much of a difference just 2 nights of uninterrupted sleep will make!

If the 2 year old still has a daytime nap it might be worth getting rid of that too. It feels from your posts like if she slept longer then your 4 year old would probably go a bit longer too

You're nearly full time and your youngest is at a difficult age.

I was a stay at home mum with my two, had a day off in the week where in laws took kids so I could sort the house out, have a break and it was difficult.

Put the telly on.

Following! Bless you OP I could have written this exact post! Thank you for being so honest it's soul shatteringly exhausting

@Mumsanetta i know, I’m not telling the OP she should or should not accept it. But these threads do tend to fill very quickly with go to bed earlier, go to bed later, longer naps, shorter naps, co sleep, Gro clock, treat as a night wake up. When actually getting up so early for months (years) can be so miserable and sometimes what someone needs is to express this. And I’m definitely not being critical of you or any other posts on here making suggestions, but I have to admit I think a lot of them just don’t seem to work, some kids just seem very fixed in a particular routine.

Do you have any family who could take the kids for a night so you can have a decent sleep and a bit of a ‘reset’? Or if not overnight then for a day, and you and your dh do a good clear out and tidy up at home? Sort out clothes, toys etc and maybe improve storage? I just think it might help you to feel better and improve the situation of your house feeling like a tip. I know it’s really hard to do these things with small kids around.

One of mine used to be an early riser and it’s hard. You definitely need alternate lie ins on a weekend and your dh NEEDS to keep the children away from you and occupied (quietly) until 9am. This is non negotiable. Put your foot down on this.

If the gro clock alone hasn’t worked then would a star chart / reward type thing work for your eldest? Stay in bed or quietly in your room until 6am for x amount of days in a row and you’ll get a treat? If it’s the younger one waking the older one up I’d work on that too. Can you alter their nap? Are the waking hungry or wet? I find pampers the best nappy for overnight at keeping them dry. You could feed them some extra food or milk just before bed in case they’re hungry by 4am and that’s waking them. I would definitely treat 4am like it’s still the middle of the night and try get them back to sleep - would they go back to sleep in your bed with you at 4am? If so then do that. Who cares where you all sleep as long as sleep is being had!

We have the same and tried everything and in the end would just let them watch Netflix on tablets e-while we dozed. I’m fully aware that doesn’t win any parenting awards but really nothing made a difference and that way I felt more human. Also once a week go to bed at 8pm once kids are in bed and it really helps.
They are now 3 and 6 and a good 70% of the time they sleep until at least 6 but are fully aware that we don’t go downstairs until the sun comes up on their gro clocks.
We survived early on by proper lie ins on the weekend. Also use some of your annual leave to have some real rest days where you go back to sleep or spend a day just doing nothing either together or separately.
We’ve had the same constant colds etc this year and last year from Jan to April; I’m hopeful that won’t last forever.
With the house do you have things organised with where everything lives? We’ve got various storage “solutions” and everything has a place so even if kids get lots out it makes it much easier to tidy it after

I sympathise - a dc that didn’t sleep till after 6 till they were about 12 (now won’t wake, of course). As others have said you need to be strict and stick the routine - they must stay in bed till 6.

Do not leave food for them, I’m shocked that anyone would suggest this - obviously it would encourage them to wake early and more importantly children should never eat unsupervised incase of choking.

I have nothing to offer except solidarity and a massive cup of coffee!
DS1 had a sleep disorder, with night terrors that left him terrified of sleep for years. DS2 is autistic and seemingly believes sleep is for wimps. Nothing worked. Not gro-clocks, naps, no naps, early bed time, late bedtime, trying to wear them out (that worked a treat on me though!), even melatonin.

The only thing that has worked has been time. They are older now, and capable of waking up and entertaining themselves until we surface. I’m not being defeatist, but I could cry at all the time and energy we wasted trying to find the so called “magic bullet” for getting them to sleep. What we needed was practical help - someone to have them for a night on occasion. Sadly, volunteers for that are few on the ground , since anyone we have that could do it apparently needed their sleep.