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Original poster

Did your relationship with your siblings inform your decision on how many kids to have?

47 replies

languishonfri · 01/04/2023 08:59

I don’t particularly get on with my sister, she doesn’t treat me very nicely at all and I wouldn’t say I have benefitted from the sibling relationship

I think if we were to have a second/third DC it would literally be so they had siblings to get along with in childhood and be there for each other when adults. Obviously from personal experience this isn’t a guarantee

DH is an only child so if we didn’t have multiple children, DC wouldn’t really have any family of similar age. This is my only - but significant - worry. I love the baby stage and would have a thousand babies, but babies only grow up. In an ever expensive world we could give DC so much more, focus, space in the house, opportunities and experiences if they didn’t have any siblings. Selfishly we could afford nice things for us too.

Did you get along with your siblings and therefore have multiple children? Did you not get along and therefore choose to stick at one? Or did it have no bearing at all?

OP posts:
Girasoli · 01/04/2023 09:05

I had one brother and we get along fine but I always wanted to have a gang of siblings (went to Catholic school, most of my friends are one of 4).

I think 4 children are usually unaffordable these days but quite a few girls from school (we're now mid 30s) have 3. I've got 2 and would like another in the future if finances/health allow.

Meandfour · 01/04/2023 09:08

I am one of 4 and have 4 of my own. I had a great childhood and I knew I wanted 4, finances allowing. Feel very lucky to have been able to have 4. My siblings all have between 3-5 DC too. We all feel our childhood was amazing.

mindutopia · 01/04/2023 09:18

I’m an only child, so no. But what did influence me was the death of a close friend as a teenager. My friend was also an only child and died at 17 very suddenly from meningitis. I always thought it was heartbreaking that her parents lost their only child at an age where they couldn’t have had another if they’d wanted to. So I wanted to have 2. It’s a big of a strange logic because one could never replace the other and there’s no guarantee that something bad couldn’t happen to both of them, but it made me sure I didn’t just want one.

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YfenniChristie · 01/04/2023 09:26

I'm one of four and we all get along great. I know from conversations we've had that we all want four kids (giving my parents a heart attack at the thought of a possible 16 grandkids).

Unfortunately the reality is different. I've just had my first kid at 35 and i don't want kids past 40, so realistically I'm looking at having 2 kids. My nephew is a bit of a handful, so I think my sibling is looking at "one and done." My other siblings aren't financially in a position to have kids (yet).

notacooldad · 01/04/2023 09:27

No.
It never crossed my mind tbh.

usererror99 · 01/04/2023 09:31

I have one sibling. Not particularly close as teens got better in our 20s. I have 3 children would have had more as I always wanted a big family that went beyond my children just having one sibling like I did. I Would never have chose to be deliberately "one and done" . Money can buy a lot of things of course if you choose to just have one and "can give them things you wouldn't if you had more children" but it can't buy you the impact and experience having a sibling can have on your life. To me that's priceless. My children adore each other so far. Granted they are only young but it's my responsibility as their parent to raise them in such a way that they remain friends and continue to nurture their sibling bond

Ex husband is an only and if I'm honest it shows - he is a typical only child with stereotypical negative traits (not just saying that because he's an ex by the way. I would have - and did - say the same when we were married). I think it really depends on how parents raise an only child TBH as to whether they can ensure their child avoids the loneliness etc growing up and what the wider family looks like in terms of cousins of a similar age and so on

HipHipWhoRay · 01/04/2023 09:36

I’m one of 5, had a great childhood (not always easy, but great), but have just had one through secondary infertility. It took me a while to make my peace with it, but actually there are loads of advantages that my mum just didn’t have time to do. My parents had better finances with 5 then I do with 1, so I’m not really talking about ‘doing stuff’, more about opportunities to chat about things and 1:1 time. It might be generational too. I get in brilliantly with my sibs/cousins, so she does have a network. I worry when we’re old she might feel pressure as sole child, but it won’t come from me. She thinks of cousins/second cousins as her extended sibs.

Theimpossiblegirl · 01/04/2023 09:40

I'm one of 4. There was never enough money. I stopped at 2.

CrumpetsandJammmm · 01/04/2023 09:43

No. I have one older brother and we don’t get on at all, haven’t seen or spoken to each other in a decade. We didn’t get on as kids and he moved out when I was 13 anyway.

I have two DC because I wanted two DC, not so they have siblings. My lack of relationship with my brother didn’t even factor into it.

cherrypied · 01/04/2023 09:43

I'd have two if I had any choice.

I'm one of two and and don't like
My brother but there is an equal chance that they may get on and practically it makes more sense to me.

SirWalterElliot · 01/04/2023 09:47

I have a good relationship (as adults!) with my brother and that was a factor in encouraging me to have a second (but not the main factor). Also my friends who are onlys say they would like a sibling now because their parents are older and they won't have any family left when they're parents are gone. My kids don't have cousins though

StamppotAndGravy · 01/04/2023 09:48

Yes, but finances, age, career and house size also play a part. I don't hate my sister, but we're not close and I suspect we might both have been happier as only children. Neither of my parents got on well with their siblings, and the same with grandparents. I think our family needs a generational reset since we seem incapable of modeling good sibling relations.

MintJulia · 01/04/2023 09:48

Not exactly.

But my DM & DF had more children than they could afford, had space for or had any interest in. It meant that we siblings fought for money. space, attention, and that doesn't lead to great sibling relationships.

I have one dc whom I can afford to provide for, and have time and energy to care for.

mummywithtwokidsplusdog · 01/04/2023 09:51

I think it does, I have siblings and definitely wanted my child to have at least one sibling- and they do have one which I’m grateful for. Would have liked more children but finances and fertility put paid to that!

londonloves · 01/04/2023 09:51

I don't particularly get on with my brother as an adult and as children he was not nice to me. We decided to only have one for lots of reasons but the whole "they'll be so lonely without a sibling" thing annoys me. I had a sibling and also a very lonely childhood as he was a shit to me.

2chocolateoranges · 01/04/2023 09:51

I have 1 sibling with a 5 yr age gap, they took nothing to do with me and weren’t very kind. So I wanted 3 children close together.Dh is one of 4 and only wanted one child to spend more time and money making memories. Therefore we compromised on 2 close together.

Chocolateydrink · 01/04/2023 09:54

My Mum was an only child, she hated being an only child and so she had 4DC. We all get on well with each other. Those of us who have had DC have all had 3DC, the one that hasn't loves kids and would have had a large family if she could have but is a fantastic aunty. Similar situation in DHs family, siblings all get on well and all had multiple children except his gay sibling who is a fantastic uncle.

Gatehouse77 · 01/04/2023 09:57

I'm 4/4 and DH is 3/4.
He wanted 6 children, I wanted 4. We've got 3!
I am much closer to my siblings than DH is to his but, I think, it was just our 'normal' to want a few children.

mbosnz · 01/04/2023 10:00

Yup. I am one of four girls. The second was fucked up by Mum and Dad having a third, suffers profoundly from 'middle child syndrome'. Then the third really didn't deal well with me, a 7 years later 'whoopsy', coming along. I jokingly (har de ha ha), call myself the 'been there, done that' kid, because Mum and Dad really couldn't be bothered by that stage (Dad was 50 when I was born), and I was not so benignly neglected as a kid, and as a result, suffered abuse and trauma. Oh, and the eldest? She was pretty much left to drag me up, from thirteen years on.

So I vowed to myself to only have two children, an eldest and a youngest, and only because they would be so much loved and wanted, and cherished, by both parents. And planned!

StevenB1 · 01/04/2023 10:02

Not really as such. My sister has 3 kids but she's a good 10 years older than me, in truth I had never thought about having kids for a long time.

My partner has 2 sisters and a brother and one of her sisters has 3 kids, so naturally coming from a larger family she always wanted 2 or 3 kids. She wanted 3, I wanted none, in the end we settled on one and its been great, but personally for me one is enough, financially for both of us we are in a good place and wouldn't change that by having another kid.

Mumsafan · 01/04/2023 10:06

Being an only child certainly influenced my decision to have at least three.

Tirrrrred · 01/04/2023 10:07

I'm one of 3. I always wanted 3 from being young.

I had two and always planned on a 3rd. However I was never in the right headspace. I'm still sad about it.

Rosemarypots · 01/04/2023 10:29

I'm one of three - a sibling very close in age to me and one a good few years younger. I've never had a good relationship with the sibling close in age, but I've always got on with my much younger sibling.

My experiences led to me wanting a reasonably big age gap between my eldest DC and any subsequent one. As it is, I haven't yet managed to have a second, but if I do there will be quite a large gap now - bigger than I envisaged. I think / hope that will be ok though.

I can see the benefits of having three in terms of the range of different relationships it creates, but three wouldn't suit me from a lifestyle / finances perspective.

Highfivemum · 01/04/2023 10:43

I knew I def wanted one as I adore my DB ans we have a lovely relationship. I do suspect I have lots of other siblings but that is not a part of my life I think about.

I have 6 DC and they all have super bonds. So yes having been lucky to have one DB who I adore did make me want more than one DC.

Highfivemum · 01/04/2023 10:44

Highfivemum · 01/04/2023 10:43

I knew I def wanted one as I adore my DB ans we have a lovely relationship. I do suspect I have lots of other siblings but that is not a part of my life I think about.

I have 6 DC and they all have super bonds. So yes having been lucky to have one DB who I adore did make me want more than one DC.

Sorry should read more than one.