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Original poster

Did your relationship with your siblings inform your decision on how many kids to have?

47 replies

languishonfri · 01/04/2023 08:59

I don’t particularly get on with my sister, she doesn’t treat me very nicely at all and I wouldn’t say I have benefitted from the sibling relationship

I think if we were to have a second/third DC it would literally be so they had siblings to get along with in childhood and be there for each other when adults. Obviously from personal experience this isn’t a guarantee

DH is an only child so if we didn’t have multiple children, DC wouldn’t really have any family of similar age. This is my only - but significant - worry. I love the baby stage and would have a thousand babies, but babies only grow up. In an ever expensive world we could give DC so much more, focus, space in the house, opportunities and experiences if they didn’t have any siblings. Selfishly we could afford nice things for us too.

Did you get along with your siblings and therefore have multiple children? Did you not get along and therefore choose to stick at one? Or did it have no bearing at all?

OP posts:

PretzelBite · 01/04/2023 10:59

kind of. I’m one of 5 girls who argued quite a bit through teen years but I adore all my sisters now and wouldn’t be without them. Equally from personal experience the people in my life with only one other sibling are not close and don’t get on - dad doesn’t speak to his sister, same with my mum and several friends, so I suppose I was put off from having 2 from that. I thought I’d have 3 before having kids, However we have one dd and she is bloody hard work so far so we’ll see!

ChickenMacaroni · 01/04/2023 11:01

DH was an only child which he hated so we've got 4. We couldn't have done that without things aligning financially, career-wise and health-wise (including fertility) for us, though. We also met as teenagers so had the time to have the family size we wanted with the spacing we wanted.

I am one of 3 and knew I wanted 3 or 4 kids because I liked the slight chaos and child-centric-ness of my upbringing which I think comes when kids outnumber the adults.

meow1989 · 01/04/2023 11:01

No, I have one sister who is 4 years younger and we didn't really get on until I moved out at 20, but we are super close now.

I have 1 Ds and am 99% sure that's for me and dh because I think I'm too selfish for more really - we can afford a comfortable life with a house with enough space and much as I love babies up to about 18 months, 18m to 3 was hard and now D's is at school, whilst I love this age, it presents a whole new set of worries! Plus I've progressed in my career and don't really want to take the hit.

Also, I worry the other cats know which one is my fave so I'd be a nightmare with 2 or more kids 🤣

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Families

Spcd · 01/04/2023 11:10

I'm one of three - which gave me the conviction to never have 3. Ime (and it's not just true of my family but of other 3s I know too), it creates a situation where one is always feeling left out. I get on well with both, whilst they don't get on so well together and I constantly feel stuck in the middle, whilst I know they both variously feel left out.

I'm sure parenting plays a part too, but I don't want my children to have the same experience of siblings as my siblings and I have so I'm not taking the risk on the chance that I can do better than my parents. Three just makes for a difficult dynamic

Dexy007 · 01/04/2023 11:18

I’m one of two, 5 year age gap. We don’t get on and never have. Don’t even have his phone number. He gets on great with all my family, as do I, we just hate one another. I wish I had been an only.

I would have one, or three, four, five etc. not two. Two can be wretched it it goes wrong!

Choconut · 01/04/2023 11:22

Yes me and sibling fought all the time, I really wished I'd been an only child. Now I have an only which IMO is so much better and he has never wanted a sibling.

BridieConvert · 01/04/2023 11:39

It never had any bearing on my decision I don't think. I get along fine with my sister, we were close as kids, had rocky teen years and now we both have kids are on the best terms we've been in the past 10/15 years probably.
I always wanted 2 children and so did my husband so that was the decision and gave it no more thought

Flitterjam · 01/04/2023 11:48

It wasn't something I thought about when I planned my family really. I don't have a close relationship with my siblings but we get on OK. But I've never assumed my DCs will have the same kind of relationship as I had with my siblings, because they're different people, with different lifestyles and parents. Personally I'm quiet and need my own space, and would have been happy as an only child, but my eldest is more sociable and likes to be around people.

I had one DD and was happy to be one and done at first, but decided to have a second DC once DD1 was born because our family felt unbalanced - I wanted a different family dynamic and another child for her to hang out with during family activities. I've read on MN before that you shouldn't have another child to provide companionship for your existing child, but it's worked out well for us and DDs get on great. No interest in having any more as our family feel complete.

Macaroni46 · 01/04/2023 11:54

I was an only and had a very lonely child. I and hated having no siblings so wanted 4 of my own.
The reality of pregnancy sickness and a difficult DH (now Ex) meant I only had 2. They are each other's best friends. I'm really happy with having 2 and how that's working out.

WeightoftheWorld · 01/04/2023 11:57

I'm one of 3 and DH one of 2 and it definitely has affected our views on this. We've both always been certain we wanted more than one child (obviously circumstances allowing). We have 2 and we both feel we would like another but not sure we can afford another tbh without our standard of living dropping significantly. This is a bit of a concern generally but also I don't want to do that to my existing two, particularly my eldest who is now old enough to have gotten used to our current standard of living iyswim and would definitely notice if this changed a lot. There is also just the wider concerns of managing 3 lots of child sickness, generally coping with another child, one on one time and homework and so on given we have very little practical support as it is and nobody we can reliably call on to help us short of an extreme emergency. Plus I get HG so even getting us all through another pregnancy with nobody to help care for the kids on the days I usually have them (as I work PT)...I can't think how we'd manage that unfortunately.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 01/04/2023 13:47

Dh and I were both from families of 4 children where money was always very tight, so we stuck at 2 because we didn’t want our kids to be like us - but the ‘poor relations’ so to speak. We both had good parents and have always got on with siblings though.

ThomasinaLivesHere · 01/04/2023 13:53

Interesting question! I’ve thought about this before. A lot of people I know copy what they had growing up. Strangely even in not the happiest of situations.

I’m somewhere in the middle with my sibling. We get on but aren’t super close. We’re such opposites. It really is impossible to control for whether siblings will get on or not.

I would say that because of my childhood I’m not so positive about siblings having the same friendship group. I had this and it caused issues that wouldn’t have been there had I not had a sibling. I’m sure though it can work.

Floralnomad · 01/04/2023 13:56

I have 2 older sisters , we all get on and still do lots together and are now all 50/60 + it had no bearing whatsoever on my own family . We had 2 children because we wanted them not to provide a sibling for the older one .

Rockingcloggs · 01/04/2023 14:01

I love my sister and see her most days but IVF and miscarriages decided DS was going to be an only child and that's fine!!

AnotherEmma · 01/04/2023 14:04

Yes. I am technically an only child but I have step-siblings and half-siblings and am lucky to get on well with them all. I did want a full sibling and was glad to acquire siblings later. I would have liked a full sibling.

i always wanted 2 children myself and wanted them to be full siblings which they are.

DH has 2 siblings but 1 of them sadly died in childhood and the other one is a complete PITA who has played a major role in the breakdown of his relationship with his parents (not that I am absolving PILs of their share of responsibility). Originally (before we married and started our family) DH said he wanted 2 or 3 children, but after DC1 he didn't want another - he did eventually agree to a second but still feels conflicted about them having to share our attention. I am sure his family of origin has a lot to do with it.

Timeforachangeisitnot · 01/04/2023 14:09

Spcd · 01/04/2023 11:10

Totally agree with this.

The third was an ‘oops’ in our family, and it was probably just a child too far for my mum. She had just returned to work after my sister and I , and along came number 3. She did not enjoy enforced motherhood (1960s for reference)

Thepossibility · 01/04/2023 14:21

Probably. I am one of 3 (full) siblings (some much younger half siblings I didn't grow up with.) DH is one of three and now we have three.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 01/04/2023 14:34

No.I have one brother and we got on brilliantly as children.I decided to have one dc.

Howtostart · 01/04/2023 17:34

Have 2 brothers I love. I have 3

DutchCowgirl · 01/04/2023 17:39

I was an only child, my mother was not well mentally and physically. I was very lonely.
I really wanted more than one kid, I ended up with 2 and they are great together.

Sceptre86 · 02/04/2023 09:03

One of 4, good relationship with siblings growing up. A bit distant now as I live 4 hours away and the younger ones are working full time and busy whilst I'm immersed with my 3 kids and work too. My 3 get on well at the moment. Bigger two have a 15 month age gap and would fight a lot aged 2 and 3. Now they are 7 and nearly 6 they get on very well. The baby is 19 months and they both adore her. Sibling relationships change as they get older and move through their own lives, that has never played a part in me wanting more or less children. I'd like one more if my health and finances allow.

Disydoll12 · 02/04/2023 09:31

I think my relationship with my sister deeply affected me. She was pure nasty behind closed doors, had no time for me and seemed to think she was superior to me and our parents. To random people and her friends she was a completely different person. I remember thinking aged 10, what is wrong with her? Her attitude towards me would completely change if there were people around she wanted to impress, it was very confusing to me.
I have 4 kids now, I wanted to feel that family bond and i try and help nurture the relationship between all my children.
I had lots of friends growing up, but what I really wanted was a close sibling bond. I still try with her but she is so hot and cold. She'll still make digs and is a very jealous person, but thankfully now I can look at it as her problem, not mine.

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