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Original poster

To not give much of a shit anymore?

32 replies

Gravelady · 31/03/2023 23:04

Hello all, am pondering things tonight and would like to know if there are other people who feel the same as me. I am 35, happily married and have a DS. As I have gotten older I am starting to give less and less of a shit about well…most things. Besides my family and very small amount of friends I just have zero time and tolerance for anything else. I don’t care what people think of me which has never been like me. I was always a people pleaser, running around for everyone, a good friend and got pretty much nothing back and now have reached a stage where I could quite gladly say piss and walk away (which I have from many using swines over the last year) I do what I want, if I want to cancel plans because I am not feeling it I will and I have stepped back from making so much effort with people. Is it meant to feel this liberating? Is this normal? I just love being in my beautiful home and enjoy reading my books of an evening I just don’t care for going out here there and everywhere socialising.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gravelady · 31/03/2023 23:05

*piss off. Just to add I had a big health scare last year and have been very poorly mentally recently. Maybe that has contributed to my new found freedom

OP posts:
MissingMoominMamma · 31/03/2023 23:07

Saying no is liberating. Just remember to say yes to some things that might make you happy outside the home too.

Original poster
Gravelady · 31/03/2023 23:09

MissingMoominMamma · 31/03/2023 23:07

Saying no is liberating. Just remember to say yes to some things that might make you happy outside the home too.

I do do the odd thing don’t get me wrong but it’s on my terms. Like I love going down to Home Bargains or B&M so I’ll do that with my friends but if it’s something I don’t fancy I won’t just go now for the sake of it like I did before

OP posts:
greenspaces4peace · 01/04/2023 00:02

sounds just about right, perimenopause kicks in and the rose colored blinkers come off.

Rarar · 01/04/2023 00:25

Yep, happened/happening to me too, I feel like my whole life has been about pleasing other people and now I'm going to please myself instead. I am older than you OP (late 40's) but maybe your health scare has sped up the process, there's a definite 'life is too short for this shit' element to it.

OKFinally · 01/04/2023 00:29

@Gravelady

I had two primaries in four years appear to be very well but I am knocking sixty I can’t even begin to tell you how little fucks I give anymore.

So wait until you are sixty it is positively liberating.

You go girl. 😂

EmmaEmerald · 01/04/2023 00:29

peri? OP is only 35?

OP you do you but this bit stuck out "if I want to cancel plans because I am not feeling it I will"

I would much rather people didn't make a plan initially than say "oh it's raining, I won't go". Are you talking of 1:1 plans, ticketed events etc?

CrinklyLoveStick · 01/04/2023 00:30

Same and I am SO much happier. I’ve never cared as little about whether people like me as I do now. I’ve also stopped caring much what I look like.

I find most people annoying and/or boring and only tolerable in small doses. Conversely I take huge pleasure in small things in a way I never did before. It’s great!

ShipSpace · 01/04/2023 00:33

I do quite fancy the idea of saying Piss to people and walking away, I must say.

user1477391263 · 01/04/2023 00:37

Well, not being too much of a people pleaser is a good thing. But I can’t tell you how many times I’ve read threads on here written by people having a crisis of some kind, and when they are asked “What about your network? Don’t you have friends who could help you out in this situation?”the answer is “No.” Are you sure that won’t be you at some point in your life?

Also, making plans with people and walking away because you don’t feel like it is pretty rude and will lead to loss of friendships. I’ve had flaky people like this in friendship groups. After a while, people stop bothering with them. Then the flake starts complaining that those of us who are continuing to make plans with each other are being “cliquey.” Hmm. I’ve noticed this kind of thing has become commoner since the pandemic.

(Has anyone else noticed how “perimenipause” on MN has become this creeping thing being used to account for anything and everything at younger and younger ages? Unless the OP has a family history of early menopause, she shouldn’t be experiencing it at 35.)

Feuillemille23 · 01/04/2023 00:40

Also had a health scare when I was about the same age as you, it definitely focuses the mind. It's now over ten years later and though I still care about lots of things and people I'm close to, there is so much everyday stuff now I'm not tolerant of. Especially some of the utter rollox we now have to put up with from the senior managers and their bright ideas at work, things are definitely nuttier and people are much battier and often less experienced.

I still care about the big things like health and education and poverty and climate change and insane materialism but am much more realistic about the extent to which I can now change things.

And I now have regular culls of toxic family members and people I once thought were friends, and cannot be bothered to pretend I want to socialise outside work hours with people I really dislike or am indifferent to or take part in something I don't want to do. I'd far rather be bargain hunting, out walking and taking photos somewhere peaceful but not isolated, or curled up on the sofa with the cats and a box set.

greenspaces4peace · 01/04/2023 00:45

@EmmaEmerald the average age of menopause is between 40 and 58 and 51 is smack in the middle.
perimenopause can be up to 8 years prior average is 4.
so yes a 35 year old woman could easily be in perimenopause.

Task77 · 01/04/2023 00:51

Hi, interesting post. I'm 45 now and have all my life been a people pleaser and very often taken advantage of by new friends I often picked up... assuming due to my good nature and inability to say no!

At around 38/40 I unexpectedly began to feel very similar to you in as much as finally didn't care what people thought about me. I had a confidence in being a mother and I think protecting them was my main purpose. I think I finally grew up, had had a lot of life experience and just had a confidence about myself at 40 that quite shocked me!

Agree with other posts about peri-menopause ! ... not likely at 35 .. I think you just are satisfied and happy with who you are and what you have - amazeballs! It takes a long time to feel like this..youth is wasted on the young! So true!

However... friends and socialising are really good for you and don't let people down on plans. You have 'jomo' ( joy of missing out) opposed to 'fomo' (fear of missing out!) It's perfectly normal and I'm delighted for you 😊

Macaroni46 · 01/04/2023 01:39

Get what you're saying but didn't start feeling like that until I hit 50 and having a good circle of friends is still important to me. 35 seems a bit young to be feeling like you are OP? Don't forget children grew up and marriages can end. Best to have some sort of network around you.

SwimmingAgainstTheTides · 01/04/2023 02:17

Don't listen to the scaremongering, friends come and go, if your not bothered why force it ?
Sometimes in life it's lovely to put yourself first and do what you want to do, and not feel guilty.
I am a happy hermit, going out is very overrated in my opinion.
" Just let me be for a moment happy and free"(Passenger)

Flatandhappy · 01/04/2023 07:22

I’m older than you (been through menopause), but my real trigger for giving zero fucks was definitely a year of cancer treatment. I think there are some advantages, it’s pretty liberating to be able to say no to the CFs without a backward glance, and nice to throw off the undercurrent of mum guilt most of us have, but I know I used to be a nicer/kinder person so I try to make an effort sometimes even if it would be easier to stay home, cancel the meet up etc. Talking to someone professionally might help, especially if your mental health isn’t great.

Original poster
Gravelady · 01/04/2023 09:06

EmmaEmerald · 01/04/2023 00:29

peri? OP is only 35?

OP you do you but this bit stuck out "if I want to cancel plans because I am not feeling it I will"

I would much rather people didn't make a plan initially than say "oh it's raining, I won't go". Are you talking of 1:1 plans, ticketed events etc?

Oh no I mean if there is like a group dinner and I don’t feel like it I won’t go. I wouldn’t cancel ticketed things willy nilly or let people down for the sake of it but if I am have a bad day I won’t go to things for the sake of others and sit there and suffer. I probably didn’t word it well x

OP posts:
Original poster
Gravelady · 01/04/2023 09:08

ShipSpace · 01/04/2023 00:33

I do quite fancy the idea of saying Piss to people and walking away, I must say.

Haha 😂

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 01/04/2023 09:11

I also say no a lot more now. I enjoy being at home, walking the dog, drinking a milky coffee. And I enjoy my work a lot more since I dropped a day and decided to just do what I’m paid for, nothing more.

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 01/04/2023 09:12

I'm the same.

Only 31. After my two children's disabilities coming to light which require both round the clock care that grounded me into the ground and people still took advantage of my good nature I just snapped.
Now I don't care what people think, if it doesn't suit me they can piss off. Have enough on my plate without people I don't really care all that much about trying to make me feel guilty.

Original poster
Gravelady · 01/04/2023 09:14

user1477391263 · 01/04/2023 00:37

Well, not being too much of a people pleaser is a good thing. But I can’t tell you how many times I’ve read threads on here written by people having a crisis of some kind, and when they are asked “What about your network? Don’t you have friends who could help you out in this situation?”the answer is “No.” Are you sure that won’t be you at some point in your life?

Also, making plans with people and walking away because you don’t feel like it is pretty rude and will lead to loss of friendships. I’ve had flaky people like this in friendship groups. After a while, people stop bothering with them. Then the flake starts complaining that those of us who are continuing to make plans with each other are being “cliquey.” Hmm. I’ve noticed this kind of thing has become commoner since the pandemic.

(Has anyone else noticed how “perimenipause” on MN has become this creeping thing being used to account for anything and everything at younger and younger ages? Unless the OP has a family history of early menopause, she shouldn’t be experiencing it at 35.)

It’s a very short message though and you are not getting the full picture of me as a person or my situation. Also it’s not walking away from plans because I feel like it, if I am having a hard time mentally I won’t go out and just suffer for the sake of it like I would before - probably not worded very well! I am definitely not flaky, I am always there for people and put others before myself. The reason I am not flakey is because I don’t make any plans to flake on atm. I understand what you are saying but I am a good person who just unfortunately had a nervous breakdown x

OP posts:
blebbleb · 01/04/2023 09:17

Peri menopause? Yes possible but not likely!

Original poster
Gravelady · 01/04/2023 09:18

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 01/04/2023 09:12

I'm the same.

Only 31. After my two children's disabilities coming to light which require both round the clock care that grounded me into the ground and people still took advantage of my good nature I just snapped.
Now I don't care what people think, if it doesn't suit me they can piss off. Have enough on my plate without people I don't really care all that much about trying to make me feel guilty.

I like the sound of you x

OP posts:
Original poster
Gravelady · 01/04/2023 09:31

I do appreciate everyones input it’s good to hear different opinions! I have wondered about peri menopause but I also have Graves’ disease (diagnosed last August) and had a nervous breakdown, now on medication for anxiety too as I was having panic attacks. I know these can be signs of peri but they are also symptoms of hyperthyroidism/Graves so it’s hard to tell when they cross over. It can have a massive impact on your menstrual cycle and mood! I do hope not as I would like to have another baby soon ish!

I don’t think I worded my first post well. I meant if I am having a bad day mentally I will cancel the plan rather than sitting and suffering which I would of done before to please someone else. I wouldn’t will nilly do it to hurt another person. To be honest I have a network of people and friends. Albeit my circle is now smaller but I do have good relationships around me outside of my family! I am also the sort of person who could walk into somewhere and not know a soul and leave having chatted to everyone. I am a sociable loving person who still has time for people just the right people now. I don’t want to invest now in anyone who doesn’t give the same back and when you realise this, unfortunately that’s when your circle decreases. My Mum is 69 and now has about 4 people she would definitely call a friend as opposed to all the people who have come in and out of her life.

I have worked in the care sector for 16 years as a Manager for young people’s services, adults with LD, mental health have worked with lots of client groups so I am definitely a very caring and dedicated person by nature! But having a nervous breakdown makes re-evaluate so much in your life.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gravelady · 01/04/2023 09:40

Flatandhappy · 01/04/2023 07:22

I’m older than you (been through menopause), but my real trigger for giving zero fucks was definitely a year of cancer treatment. I think there are some advantages, it’s pretty liberating to be able to say no to the CFs without a backward glance, and nice to throw off the undercurrent of mum guilt most of us have, but I know I used to be a nicer/kinder person so I try to make an effort sometimes even if it would be easier to stay home, cancel the meet up etc. Talking to someone professionally might help, especially if your mental health isn’t great.

I hope your cancer treatment is going ok, that’s massive to go through. I am seeing a therapist 🙂

OP posts: