About to move in with daughter & son-in-law

[Wilff]

I'm 53yrs and not coped well after divorce,to the long drawn out final point of not being able to afford to find a place to live by myself.
My daughter & son-in-law are having to use thier spare room to let me stay for a couple of months meanwhile hopefully I can sort something out.
I'm really concerned about not getting under thier feet and them having to adapt thier usual routine because of me.
My son-in-law has an 8yr old daughter who stays with them alternate weeks at a time.
Plus my daughter is almost 12weeks with her first pregnancy.
I work part-time

It's Friday today
I move in this Sunday evening
My son helped me pack some belongings yesterday
I haven't done anything much today.
Feeling all sorts of emotions

Words of advice much appreciated....

I see where you're going with the giving them an evening thing but I'd be really upset if my DM moved in and then hid in her room every night!

OP - I think making an effort to get them one or two evenings a week to themselves would be good though - visit your son or dinner with friends. Maybe you could join a book club or something to get out of an evening.

I think the key to arrangement like this is communication and ensuring frustrations don't build. What people think might work beforehand may not work in practice so it's important you can talk to each other without upset. I think a pp put it well that there's a fine line between being helpful and over stepping. That line is different for everyone and it's only by talking that you will know.

The fact you care this much means you will probably do ok!

She's a mum moving in temporarily with her daughter and her family, she's not a leper who has to stay in her room of an evening and morning until its time to go to work. That's ridiculous ffs. I'm sure they're all capable of coexisting quite happily and harmoniously as long as they all know it's not a long-term thing and she is actively trying to change the situation positively. If she sits in her room moping all the time, that's 100% more tense, stressful and uncomfortable for everyone. Should she wear a paper bag over her head when she nips down to male a cuppa or go for a pee? Should she only use the kitchen and bathroom during certain hours? Eat her meals in her room? Anyone who would expect their mum, going through a difficult time, to make herself scarce every night and morning so they can have cosy night in the lounge on their own needs to get a grip

I think that cultivating/inventing other invitations so you slope off at the weekends should give them a useful break from you.

Finding a couple of household chores to take over (ideally the ones they find tiresome) but don't try to reorganise the household in any way.

I think the fact that you are worrying about getting under their feet means that you’ll be a lovely, considerate housemate.

Maybe have a chat about their usual routine and how you’ll divide housework/cooking/food shopping so that you’re all on the same page. It might be nice to occasionally visit friends/your son on an evening, or even just retire early for a bath and to read in your room so that they still have some alone time. But remember, they are your family and love you. If you were my mum, I’d want you to feel safe and comfortable in my home whilst you deal with such a huge change in your life

I think giving them some time in the evenings is a good idea; when I lived my in laws both with DH and just me for a bit we’d make sure that we gave them the evenings to themselves

I hear your pain, but you need to be pro active now. Set some house hold rules with son in law, it’s his home you are invading as you are not his parent and … your dd won’t be able. You work part time.. as a single person this may not be do able so can you up your earnings and do more hours . Tell them what you are doing to move out.

if i knew and was having a parent to stay for a limited time (and that could be a few months) both me and dh would be happy and enjoy the situation. I would not enjoy a non defined extended stay. So understanding the boundaries is key

You sound mindful of the issues that may arise so that’s a great start.
Be clear that you are looking for full time work and they will see you mean to move on and support yourself.
Others have said to make sure you get out some evenings, have some early nights to your room to read/ watch TV there, just so everyone gets enough space.
It should be just fine then

this is a very difficult situation for you op - I’m sorry you are going through it, keep your chin up and focus on the positives. Make a long term and short term plan for things you want to achieve and steps to make them happen ( registering with council for housing etc) also have a sit down with your daughter to discuss how best to make things work for everyone while your at her house and who will contribute what ( money/ chores ect) things may seem bleak but nothings stays like that forever - good luck to you

Well I think you're off to a good start by being self aware and realising it is a major intrusion, but one I'm sure they're happy to oblige....for a while!
If I had someone with me for more than a couple of weeks you've gone from being a guest however I wouldn't want you interfering either. I think you should pull your weight, so suggest a job you could take responsibility for. I'd chose neutral non person jobs like mopping kitchen floor, hoovering dusting, wiping round kitchen etc. I'll assume you're sharing a bathroom so keep your stuff out the way including your towels. Toothbrush OK. Once a week pay for a takeaway and if it's your daughter who does most of the cooking ask her if you can help out.
I'd tend to go to my room most nights. Can you gets TV set up?

I think what you really need to be doing is sorting a job. Is there a reason why you only work part time? Even if you had an interview on Monday you're unlikely to be in place for s month so crack on with the jobsearch.

I have no idea what equity you have in your home but you need to set yourself realistic expectations. You're unlikely to be able to afford a 3 bed semi but you might be able to secure a small apartment or 2 bed terraced with a mortgage. To get this you need a job. You might also need to consider renting. I think staying you need to have somewhere to go in 2 months. The spare room will now be the nursery and they'll have cots and prams and alsorts building up. There's also your SILs daughter to consider. She's probably just been told her dad's having another baby (check she does know!) and there's also a strange lady in the spare room. I think being kind and playing with her could be good for you both. Children can lift our spirits.
I don't know your life story leading to this point but however heartbroken you are at the breakdown of your marriage and loss of home, there is a real and healthier life awaiting you. Go for it.

Thankyou Thankyou SO MUCH for every single one of these replies.

I so humbled & grateful for taking the time to share your thoughts.

I shall now start wording an answer to some of the valid questions raised.

I'm honestly digesting each comment seriously.

X

I think most councils now are stretched to capacity. If a house has been sold I'm guessing they'll be a lump sum in the bank. There's no reason (that we are aware of) why she can't afford to support herself, either by getting a job and a mortgage or renting privately. Councils will be prioritising people in a lot worse position than her. In fairness there's more availability of single flats and bedsits so she could get lucky. I'm in the EastMidlands and my county wouldn't consider her for housing no more than they'd consider a 20, 30 or 40 year old single adult.

You need to give more details on how it got to this point and present yourself as homeless to the local council. Contact Shelter etc. Moving in where there is no real room for your is the way to madness.

I think though what youve said just underlines that communication is the key. Whilst I wouldn't expect my mum to stay in her room every night, actually I would expect her to stay out of the way most nights. It doesn't matter that it's her mum, it's not his mum and most people aren't properly relaxed with someone extra in the home. This is a sentiment shared by many. It's not going to be 2 or 3 weeks is it. You give what you can.

Let's agree to disagree @JudgeRudy. I'm not getting into a tiresome argument as to whether we should lock our guests in their room 1 night a week or 7.

My daughter & son-in-law are having to use thier spare room to let me stay for a couple of months meanwhile hopefully I can sort something out.

Why are they having to?

Is your SIL’s daughter still having her normal room? Do you have savings and are you looking for full time work?

Saying you can hopefully sort something out is vague in the extreme.

Yes me neither, what I'm highlighting is that there's clearly some very different views here so the key is to have open and honest discussions and not assume because you'd be OK with something others would

Please excuse the following bullet point style way that I'm about to fill in some of the queries asked.

• our family home was sold approx 5 years ago when we first separated. I have used up my share of capital during this time.
• I have been paying private rental for a very small modest 1 bed / no garden.
• shortly after moving into this rented flat 4 years ago, the business i worked full time for went into receivership, my mental health then unfortunately took me dark places where I found myself cut off from dealing with reality up until last March.
• with the help of Counsellor, GP and Universal Credit I have been fortunate to have taken my first tentative steps at getting back to being on the right path, by getting a part-time job doing work and hours that I can achieve.
• my employer is a well known international company with excellent employee care. The management won't increase my hours until they are reassured I'm not taking on more than I will be able to cope with.

Don't single me out just because my opinion is not the same as yours @JudgeRudy . And don't dictate to me what i can or cannot say. You say your piece and I'll say mine.

Son-in-law's daughter will still have her own room. She's only 8yrs and we get along very well with eachother.

When I get home from work currently , my usual routine is to get changed into dressing gown asap,putting on the TV in my bedroom and even (embarrassing to admit) eat my dinner in bed watching television.

There's no television in thier spare room, I'm hoping they'll be able to connect my one .

Dear JudgeRudy and
Dontbelieveaword

Please try not to get irritated with eachother on my account 😕

In my opinion (for what it's worth) , both of your comments are incredibly helpful to me.

God, not irritated at all, OP.
Going back to your situation, can you have a look at my first reply to your post and answer some of those questions?

Open frank conversation on both sides wrt to expectations is best if possible imo.

And try not to turn into "mum" in your daughters house. It is your daughters' home yo run as she wishes (along with her partner of course), so try not take take over. (Not saying you would, nut my mum would! With the nicest intentions, but still...)

Based on your answers OP, and the issues you have, I don't think moving in with your daughter is fair at all. She's pregnant and will have enough to deal with. You need to get your own place.

Dontbelieveaword.. reckon I covered your points needing more clarity in the last couple of posted around 9.30pm

I agree with @JudgeRudy . I would definitely try to go to bed a bit earlier. Maybe not 7pm but not hanging around every night until everyone is asleep either. So the couple can have alone time or sex. It’s hard to have sex when you think other people in the house are still up.