About to move in with daughter & son-in-law

[Wilff]

I'm 53yrs and not coped well after divorce,to the long drawn out final point of not being able to afford to find a place to live by myself.
My daughter & son-in-law are having to use thier spare room to let me stay for a couple of months meanwhile hopefully I can sort something out.
I'm really concerned about not getting under thier feet and them having to adapt thier usual routine because of me.
My son-in-law has an 8yr old daughter who stays with them alternate weeks at a time.
Plus my daughter is almost 12weeks with her first pregnancy.
I work part-time

It's Friday today
I move in this Sunday evening
My son helped me pack some belongings yesterday
I haven't done anything much today.
Feeling all sorts of emotions

Words of advice much appreciated....

Can you go stay with your son for a few nights a month to give them some alone time? Maybe offer to cook a couple of times a week etc pitch in with chores. Honestly best thing you can do is probably just make sure you give them space here and there.

Wow that sounds so difficult for you. Are you moving out from a home you have lived in for a long time?

I think see this as a difficult low point from which you can hopefully progress and build a nice life for yourself. A difficult period to get through to better things.

I think be open and communicative with your daughter and son in law. Ask them to let you know if there are any problems while you live there so you can resolve them and not let any resentment or annoyance grow. If you’re all open and respectful hopefully you can get on fine living together.

How’s your daughters pregnancy going. She might like you being neat if she needs a hand with things If she gets morning sickness etc.

Have a family meeting on what the boundaries are. Some you may not like and perhaps you can negotiate. Not sure how they feel about you moving in or how you feel about it. I do think its best to have the difficult convo as soon as so everyone is on the same page and not walking on egg shells. Goodluck OP. 🌷

What happened to the marital home?
How long have you known you were going to homeless for?
Why do you only work part-time?
What have you done or are doing to find (and fund) your own place?
As you say, the divorce was long and drawn out, so plenty if time to organise alternative accommodation and get a full-time job.
When I read the headline, I thought I was going to read you were an elderly, frail person who needed care.

It may be hard to navigate between treading on toes and “not pulling your weight”. Have a chat with them early on about what you could do about the house - it might be good if a few things were “your job” and then you won’t get into the situation of them thinking “oh god she’s hoovering she must be judging the state of the floors” or “oh no I was going to get to that bit of washing up next but she obviously thinks it’s been out too long” when you’re genuinely trying to help. Remove the ambiguity!

What are your plans? How will you get yourself into a position where you can afford to live independently? I'd make sure you are open about these things with your daughter - and especially your son-in-law.

If I were your daughter I would want to see you doing everything you possibly can to find a place of your own.

Agree staying with your son regularly and when the Daughter is there is a good break. Have a meeting and set a time frame for when you’ll leave by and what they want you to do and not do. It sounds like they might have felt they had no choice and don’t want you staying?

I agree that you need to sit down and agree some house rules. If you are only working part time then it’s reasonable that you offer to take on a good amount of the housework as part payment for your room and board, as well as discussing a financial contribution.

Are you looking for a full time job? What progress have you made so far on that?

One thing I would do is go to my room pretty early in the evening at about 730 or so and stay there so that they have the evening together. If they are all out at any point then I'd do some cleaning and prepare food for the evening. Try not to add to the costs by having the heating on a lot when they are out. It will be much better as someone else said if certain jobs are your jobs and you don't have to reminded to do them!

Didn’t want to read and run OP. I can feel the upset from your post. Completely understand you feel low right now, anyone would, but things are going to get better for you soon - you won’t recognise yourself in 12 months.

Its clear too that if your worried about overstepping you are a kind person. Doubtful you’ll be digger through their hamper full of dirty underwear and commenting on their relationship.

The only thing I’d say is to be helpful in the house without being overbearing, and to read in your room each night so it creates some alone/rest time for them and a routine for you all.

And if you are not going out to work and they do go out to work then I would stay in my room until they had gone. That means their routine can stay the same.

This sounds like a really quite sad existence.

Make plans to get out of there as soon as possible. Stay out of their way as much as you can and be self sufficient.
My FIL had to move in with us whilst going through bankruptcy and life threatening illness. It was a horrible experience and as a result we are now no contact with him.

Well from my family experience this can go very badly very quick. You need to get yourself together and move out asap. Why haven't you done anything so far,?, is your financial siituation going to change in the future?. You say BIL has his daughter alternate weekends, have you taken her bedroom?.

Do you have a timeline of how you're going to handle moving on from theirs? I think it's important that they know that you're going to move out, what you're going to do to achieve that goal and when you're actually going to be gone. Give them a report when you've achieved each goal. If they can see you being serious that it really is for a short term, it's much easier for them to put up with the inevitable tensions that will arrive.

One thing I would do is go to my room pretty early in the evening at about 730 or so and stay there so that they have the evening together.

Crikey. It's one thing to be sensitive, help out, make plans to move on quickly etc, but I'm sure op's dd won't want to think her mum - who is clearly going through a difficult time - feels obliged to sit in a bedroom on her own every evening!

This is all really good advice.

I completely disagree with @determinedtomakethiswork If my mum were staying with me I’d hate her to be in her room every evening or shivering with the heating off. It would make me feel so sad and as if I had to tempt her out.

My tips would be to communicate as much as possible and invite them to do the same. Don’t be apologetic all the time- that just puts a burden on other people to make you feel better. You’re there by agreement so you are actually allowed to be there! Be proactive about finding yourself a new place. Go for nice days and evenings out so that they do get some time just the two of them but without the worry of you shivering in your room.

In your shoes I would present as homeless to the council and take whatever they an offer.

I absolutely wouldn't want to burden a couple, newly pregnant, for an indefinite amount of time.

I've been homeless before op, and it's not nice, but I was given shitty temp accommodation, and I'm now in secure, cheap accommodation and I can barely remember the crap I went through to get here.

Good luck whatever you decide to do op.

They are really kind but this is going to be hard when your daughter is pregnant and a step child visits - it might become too much

but I sympathise with your situation - a few months is a long time

If you can work full time then you need to do this to get as much income as possible so you get your own place asap

This is a good point.
How likely are you to be able to afford private rent?

Only thing is if you sold you might be considered intentionally homeless and so not offered any help.

My mum moved in with my family for a few months. It was fine for several reasons: she was very clearly doing everything possible to find her own place, she did all the washing up (I did all the cooking), she helped out with the housework in other ways, she is easy to get along with, and she contributed financially. So it was generally stress-free, and actually we miss having her around now that she has moved out.

However, I wasn’t pregnant so that’s always a bit of an unknown factor. I think they key thing is to to have honest conversations about how you can be supportive and how you can ensure they have enough space, especially with a baby on the way.

And you definitely need a plan about moving out.

I am sorry, this sound really tough. You need to find a full time job so you can afford a place of your own. Why do you work part time when your children are adults? You mustn’t outstay your welcome to the extend it mars your relationship with your daughter.

I wasn't thinking of her shivering in a lonely little bedroom. I was thinking if the bedroom was nice and comfortable then I would rather go in there and watch something on TV and let them have some family time. She's going to be there for a long time and I think you can get in people's way really.