Did you ever decide it’s not worth it?

[Personyouneedisnannymcphee]

Genuinely just curious here. I’m a nanny and work for an absolutely lovely family. The parents both work jobs that means they have to do long hours and additional work in their spare time. During the week their littlest gets up, goes to nursery, comes home to have dinner and falls asleep almost immediately after so they barely see her awake. BUT I will say, every spare chance they get they devote to their children and are able to afford absolutely lovely experiences that the children enjoy. Those times aren’t often but they really do make an effort.

I say all this to say I am not judging and understand completely that their hard work provides these amazing experiences when they get the chance and I am more than happy to be the one caring for their children as I adore them.

I just wondered has anyone ever decided that the lack of time they get to spend with their children isn’t worth the experiences working those hard, high responsibility can provide.

I am 100% not shaming. Just curious

Nope. Especially now I am at a level I have more time with them as teenagers/ young adulthood.

If I hadn’t pursued my career we would be struggling as their dad had a mental health crisis that he never recovered from, became abusive and now absent. Our position, would be far worse if I hadn’t had the resources to get us through.

@Tomkirkman that sounds like an incredibly hard thing to experience. I hope you and your children are healing/healed from it and are enjoying the rewards of your hard work!

We did this, DH didn’t take a promotion (which would have led to a lot more promotions) because it would have meant horrendous hours and little/no family time. We had a lower standard of living for quite a while but he got to spend lots of time with the children and we don’t regret it.

I sometimes wonder that’s it more like a merry go round they don’t know how to get off.

Theyre on the journey that starts with good school results, good university, getting on a good career path, fall in love, marry. Have a wonderful lifestyle, but when they have a family, don’t realise how hard and time poor they will become.

But by then they’re used to the lifestyle, and they will be thinking, it will get easier when the kids start school, or I get the promotion, and before they know it, five years have gone by and they’re still in the rat race with no exits.

I guess we did what lots of people do, my career took a backseat and DH was able to put the work in to climb the ladder. I work 28hrs a week over 4 days now DH is higher up he is actually able to be at home more and be much pickier about the work he does and if it’s a job he doesn’t want to take on he can say no. Both working all hours wouldn’t have worked for our family and it wasn’t what I wanted for our kids. But I absolutely do not judge anyone that does things differently everyone has different circumstances.

I think it's difficult to say unless you get the opportunity to experience the other side of the coin. My friend had this chance during lockdown because she was able to work from home, so suddenly she didn't have to drop child at breakfast club before driving to work or pick them up from after-school club - instead she walked them to and from school each day. She said she felt sad and regretful that she'd not been able to do that before, but equally, hers is not a job that pays for luxuries, it's a job that keeps a roof over their heads, so the reality is, she didn't have a choice. Good thing is now, that work from home has stuck, so although child is old enough to walk alone, the mum is still at home at the end of every day.

I was a Nanny for 10 years for similar families - adored their children but only saw them for 30 minutes in the morning Mon-Fri. I put them to bed every night before their parents got home from work, which made me really very sad for them. They had loads of money to do wonderful things together as a family at the weekends and 2-3 holidays abroad per year. Having experienced it as a Nanny, I decided I wanted the opposite for my own children. I am now a SAHM to my own children and lucky that we can afford it on my Husbands salary and he is fully supportive of me being at home with them. It means we don’t have as much money for treats or fancy holidays…….. but my priorities are different to the parents I worked for. Neither set up is wrong, we all make decisions/priorities that work best for us and our own children.

If they did you'd be out of a job.

Currently on Mat leave and dread this everyday. Still have another seven months on Mat leave and already worrying I won’t see my baby when I’m back at work!! What with cost of living I think I’ll have to go back FT now. Won’t have a nanny though.

I was on my way to a PhD and my dream job but I had two boys and realised I'd never see them right now with how our lives are. I never saw my mum as a child and it negatively impacted me (dad wasn't around either) so I didn't want that for my children. I've decided to stay home until youngest is 3 and then I'll get part time work. Means 6 years at home and unlikely to do PhD but I'll find something else I'll enjoy I'm sure

I can see both sides. My WFH fit around school job is very tedious sometimes and I do it because I wanted to be at home. I sometimes crave a career that takes me places, seeing interesting new people like my mostly male family members have. I sometimes feel frustrated that my brain is not used to it’s potential. It must be satisfying to personally develop and it must be nice to have be admired professionally. Kids also grow up and a good job and pension helps people continue to have life satisfaction once family life is over and kids are busy with their own lives. Also kids do tend to like exciting weekend and holiday experiences!

Someone asked me recently about my mum, I said she was a wonderful mum and I had a great childhood. They asked me what my mum did right. I said she was there.

We weren’t rich. We had ‘enough’ but we didn’t have fancy holidays or extravagant days out. But my parents were always there. Always around.

I gave up a very lucrative City career when I had DC. I still work and earn decent money so we have a nice life, but I’m around to pick up DC from school, that kind of thing.

I always said I’d not have kids to outsource to a nanny.

Yes, bagged dream job and quit it as couldn’t square it away with being mum of 3. I just didn’t have enough time for them, I wasn’t present enough physically or mentally. Took a massive risk and sideways move and luckily it’s paid off but it was not an easy call to make. Definitely understand the feeling of being trapped with no exits.

Everyone is different - some people doubtless have the extra reserves of energy and resilience to keep all the plates spinning. But sadly I see so many who actually don’t trying to maintain it at great mental and physical health cost to themselves and families.

The culture of competition, presenteeism and martyrdom is a lot of industries does not help.

Yes. My career nearly cost me my marriage. I sometimes wonder “What if…” as in what if I didn’t take a step back (still romanticising what was a job which took so much away from my family) but I am quick to remind myself it could also be “What if I lost my lovely husband…”

I wonder about this. I was a sahm (on benefits) when they were small and now work 25 hours with UC top up. I'm there for every play, sports day, activity, and we spend almost every waking moment together. The downside is we struggle financially and things like foreign holidays, music lessons, and even a decent house are out of my reach. Although I should say, I didn't give up a career to be a sahm. Their dad is a useless piece of shit and I have no family support so chasing a high powered career was never really an option for me.

What's the point in working so much you don't really have time for a life outside of it? Occasional lovely experiences don't make up for lack of time spent as a family.

My dad was like this. High flier. We barely knew him and now, as adults, we have little to say to each other.

He and my mum divorced, he's got new children (in his 60s now) and he is still doing the same thing. Just finished another PhD, spent 3 months abroad on an academic collaboration thing without his new family.

He doesn't know these kids either.

I wouldn't like that lifestyle and would have felt it kept me from my kids. I work in education so always had school holidays plus I haven't been completely full time since I had them. It was important to me that I was with them more days a year than I wasn't and that they could have playdates etc, rather than always attend after school club.

After a few years my DH moved to running his business from home so he was also around, which helped with school drop offs, someone being there after school etc.

We made / make a good enough living to enable them to have had nice holidays, theatre trips, activities etc.

I don't blame parents for the set up you describe but I don't think it is ideal by any means. Children need their parents to be there for them, they don't necessarily need to have amazing holidays / house or whatever.

The thing is I doubt they're doing it just for the money. If they're both in very senior roles as well as being well paid then they'll probably both derive a strong sense of self from their work and status. I look at very senior people at my work, in a well paid industry, and I don't want to be them. But they have different motivations to me. They could drop back a few grades and still be on over £100k, but ultimately they don't want to.

No because that period of time is pretty short lived, I spend a lot more time with my kids now they're in school; shorter days, longer holidays etc (and they actually remember it too!) The benefit of us remaining working full time during those nursery days were far reaching and necessary for our family in the long run. Kids are older now but I don't regret a thing.

I agree with this entirely. I went to a RG uni and had a lot of friends who planned to go into the City for 10 years and quit by the time they were 30. Now 35 and all of them are still in it.

Personally I’ve chosen a middle ground - work in the city but in a business support type role (finance, IT, marketing etc). Earn decently, challenges me intellectually and it gives me the flexibility to walk out at 5.30. Yes I often log on after children’s bedtimes to finish things but l enjoy what I do without the millstone around my neck if I were a magic circle lawyer (which would have been one of the original plans).

DH and I earn together about what we’d earn if one of us were a big shot and the other was at home, which is the situation for a few of the people I work for. But the difference is we have balance. I wouldn’t change it.

I have never understood why parents like this ever had kids in the first place. To leave their money too, maybe...?

During the week their littlest gets up, goes to nursery, comes home to have dinner and falls asleep almost immediately after so they barely see her awake.

Why do they pay for nursery when they have a nanny?

(Missing point of thread)

It's a shame because you only really get 13 years or so until they don't really want to be with you so much - those 13 years are such a little short period when you're career is likely to be 50 years or so.

My DD has 4 long days at nursery and we don’t see much of her due to work. But I don’t work Monday’s and we prioritise her at weekends so she gets pretty much undivided attention from us 3 days out of 7. I think that’s fine for us, as we also get a lot of holiday which is spent together.

DH WFH permanently and I do 50/50 so we have cut out commute time which helps considerably and means we both do equal share of drop offs and pick ups and sick days.