Did you ever decide it’s not worth it?

[Personyouneedisnannymcphee]

Genuinely just curious here. I’m a nanny and work for an absolutely lovely family. The parents both work jobs that means they have to do long hours and additional work in their spare time. During the week their littlest gets up, goes to nursery, comes home to have dinner and falls asleep almost immediately after so they barely see her awake. BUT I will say, every spare chance they get they devote to their children and are able to afford absolutely lovely experiences that the children enjoy. Those times aren’t often but they really do make an effort.

I say all this to say I am not judging and understand completely that their hard work provides these amazing experiences when they get the chance and I am more than happy to be the one caring for their children as I adore them.

I just wondered has anyone ever decided that the lack of time they get to spend with their children isn’t worth the experiences working those hard, high responsibility can provide.

I am 100% not shaming. Just curious

sometimes it's a bit "all or nothing" if that makes sense?

Yes. Thanks for saying this, and I'm glad you & your parents figured it out.

Absolutely nobody in my line of work - colleagues, competitors or clients - was an active parent. It was simply impossible. It was a lovely way to earn very good money, with great perks. It could be family-friendly, with a root and branch reshaping of the entire industry culture and client expectations. That wasn't happening, obviously - and still hasn't. Can't be done unilaterally.

It’s not always a choice that couples can make financially but I do think time with your dc is more important than anything else when they are babies and toddlers. At that age they don’t really care about big experiences,it’s a luxury to be able to go at their pace too.

I worked pt and then became a sahm to have more time for my teens during the pandemic but teens are expensive so they benefit from time and money and it is useful for their confidence and their life experience if parents can afford to send or take them on a few day trips or visits abroad if financially possible.

I wfh when the kids were young so I got to do every pick up, lots of clubs, playdates, and multiple activites and holidays. Wedidn’t have much but I was there every day. I look back and realise we had a great time. These days I work ridiculous hours although again I wfh so I am there for w chat to give them food etc. I don’t regret the great time we had. No matter how nice, nannies can’t provide the emotional support and reassurance kids need.

@GarlicGrace Yes, but a caveat is that I don't think it's always the case though. It was like that in my formative years but not like that as a teenager, but anyway now I let my parents believe that to feel better.

It depends on one's definition of "all" and "nothing". "Nothing" can be facing poverty/breadline which we did face when I was younger, ironically alongside the choice of that particular incredibly lucrative and stable field of employment... Versus later on when they just wanted to keep up with a higher standard of living.

My childhood is all behind me now, but as a parent I am conscious about being honest about the choices I'm making – I don't at all want to delude myself like my parents did/do about the later stages of our childhoods. Kids don't care about luxury holidays or the upmarket branding of after school clubs... If I'm prioritising my own money and my own enjoyment, I'm honest about it. All the same, I understand that when we were very young, my parents genuinely didn't have a choice, despite deceptively raking in lots of money.

Children don't care about "absolutely lovely experiences",

Also disagree. Otherwise there wouldn't be the need for outreach programmes/activities taking DC to pantomines/the beach/low cost half term activities.

Yes but the beach is free, pantomimes don’t have to be mega expensive etc. there is always kids theatre which is much cheaper, plus lots of free/low cost things that kids love.

my kids are young and this last year they’ve been on a 5* Mauritius holiday and a week in Butlins where their grandad also came along - guess which they preferred? One cost £200 and the other £3k.

Children tend to be happy with the low cost option particularly if it’s aimed at them. A weekend camping locally can be just as fun for them as a villa in France etc. A villa in France can be just as fun as a week all inclusive in Greece etc etc. I don’t think children care whether you’ve taken them on safari by age 10 as much as they care if you’ve been there day in day out.

From the other perspective: When I was a child, we had a nanny for a number of years. My dad sometimes worked away during the week, and my mum sometimes worked abroad for weeks or months at a time. I don’t begrudge it at all, I had a wonderful, happy childhood. I spoke to my parents often, had my dad at least every weekend, and in the school holidays we’d fly out to wherever my mum was working and spend a couple of weeks there.
I have a very close relationship to both my parents.

The beach is only free if you can don't need a bus/train/petrol to get there.

I agree that DC don't see a difference between Mauritius and Butlins, but I was thinking more the difference between Butlins/camping/going anywhere as the lovely experience vs. no holiday at all.

I think DC will notice that (that's why teachers try not to do "what I did over the summer" as a September writing task anymore.)

This could have been us and you could have been our nanny. Yes, eventually we did decide it wasn't worth it, but in all honesty the trigger for that was our nanny leaving. She felt like part of the family and I couldn't face leaving the kids with anyone else.

Having said that I'm now much less happy with the arrangement than I was, as we agreed my DH would stay at home. I preferred the way our nanny cared for the children, she was caring. My DH speaks to them as if they're chattels. When I came back from several weeks away with work, they just looked so sad and the oldest kept saying how happy he was. It was never like that with the nanny, he would call her his second mummy and was much happier.

My mum was a sahm, not entirely through choice, she was always there for us in practical ways, but I could see what it had cost her, and I never wanted that, she could have been there when we needed her, and had more in her own life.

I worked part time for 8 years, and now I work (very) fulltime, we have a nanny, I am much happier now, the kids probably preferred it a little when I was doing more pick ups but we are all happy enough, massivley lucky to afford the nanny and the nice things, many work fulltime out of need to cover bills, we are much more fortunate, which I try not to forget.

DH does much more childcare related stuff as I supported his career for those 8 years. If I didn't enjoy my job it would be different. I admire those who can and want to SAH btw, its a totally valid choice, but it just isn't for me.