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Original poster

Husband going through a depressive episode - what do I do?!! how to cope

38 replies

CoCoaButter85 · 31/03/2023 12:37

My husband has depression. It's on and off usually gets worse if he's stressed. It got unbearable about 4 years ago so I left (I felt I tried everything just had to save my own wellbeing). He's made some fundemental changes since and we got back together and it was great. Ups/downs of course but overall good, loving relationship, I was so impressed he managed to turn himself upside down.

Until Friday last week:
-lashing out at me
-blaming me for everything
-saying that life has no point and he wants to kill himself
-since then all this time he was on strong sleeping pills and didn't go anywhere apart from some food, shouting at me if i try engaging
-started drinking heavily yesterday (3/4 bottle vodka in less than 3 hrs), shouting at some road workers doing stuff at night for being noisy
-he probably opened my bedroom door 8 times during the night while drunk just to tell me to f** off etc
-shouting this morning at some vans who parked on our driveway

What can I possibly do in this situation to make him better? We have resources for private mental health but he's in a such a state he won't listen to anything I tell him. No family, friends abroad. What do I do? Ride it out until he gets into a reasonable state again? Pack essentials and go to a hotel until he calms down (I am contemplating). You wouldn't leave someone if they broke their leg, I feel i should stick with him and try to get him feel better. But current state is just awful

OP posts:
MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 31/03/2023 12:47

Tell him if he drinks alcohol you'll leave him it's a depressive which will make him worse.

He needs to go to his GP.

Original poster
CoCoaButter85 · 31/03/2023 12:51

@MeMyBooksAndMyCats I couldn't agree more with you.

I can wait for the morning when he's sober and tell him that. His answer is probably going to be to f** off but I need to do something.

OP posts:
jannier · 31/03/2023 13:28

Is he on medication and if so is he taking it? Do you feel he's a danger to himself or others? If so call the mental health crisis team straight away.

Original poster
CoCoaButter85 · 31/03/2023 13:34

I don't think he is taking a y medication at the moment. He does have antidepressants which he starts when it gets too much to him (I know this should be managed by his doctor rather than he deciding on it). I don't think he would hurt himself, I don't think he would hurt me (would call police straight away).

What would the mental health crisis do? If he doesn't want to help himself it's difficult to give him any help...

I'm thinking to contact his good friend. So he could maybe call him. Running out of options.

OP posts:
Gingergirl70 · 31/03/2023 13:36

Does he always turn to alcohol when the depression returns?
If he's being aggressive, then there's absolutely nothing wrong with removing him or yourself from the home, specially if children are involved too.
You don't need his permission to get your GP or other agencies involved but there's only so much you can do if he's not interested in helping himself. If he's seriously threatening suicide, I'd get adult social services involved- he may need sectioning to keep both yourself and him safe until he's coping a little better.
Good luck OP💐

Gingergirl70 · 31/03/2023 13:39

The crisis team would assess him and home situation and decide what next steps to take. As I said, they may need to section him or they could refer for counselling, chsnge his medication, help him get a proper diagnosis.
It's not good that he's self-meducating on alcohol. Does he drink when he's going through a good patch? Is he generally alcohol-dependent?

Wolfiefan · 31/03/2023 13:45

He needs to engage with medical professionals. Or you need to separate.

Original poster
CoCoaButter85 · 31/03/2023 13:57

@Gingergirl70 - in general he does like a few drinks over the weekend or in a pub. but usually just gets bit fluffy and tells more silly jokes than usual. I don't think he is alcohol dependant. But yes, if there's lots of stress or gets depressive his go to solution is alcohol. However, it hasn't been this bad since he sorted himself out. I had no idea Crisis team does that. Thank you, will need to look into it.

@Wolfiefan - I'm afraid I agree with you. I can't live this way.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 31/03/2023 14:00

I say that as someone who has depression and anxiety BTW. So badly I had to quit my job. If I hadn’t gone to my GP, done CBT and took meds my DH would have been right to leave. With the kids.

BarrelOfOtters · 31/03/2023 14:04

leave again I think. Protect yourself, you aren't anyone's punchbag (verbal or otherwise).

Original poster
CoCoaButter85 · 31/03/2023 14:05

@Wolfiefan thanks for sharing your personal experience. I appreciate depression is not something we chose ourselves and it is horrible for everyone involved.

Could you share some tips how to get him to start doing these things? Something you think could help?

OP posts:
Original poster
CoCoaButter85 · 31/03/2023 14:06

He just opened a bottle of prosecco left over from Christmas. It's going to be a rough night/evening for me :(

OP posts:
Original poster
CoCoaButter85 · 31/03/2023 14:12

@BarrelOfOtters - I need to go into the office on Tuesday. There's a cheap hotel nearby. I might just do exactly that.

OP posts:
Gingergirl70 · 31/03/2023 14:16

Why wait till Tuesday. Pack a bag and go stay away for weekend. Or pack his bag and tell him to go. I normally wouldn't suggest this, knowing not everyone can financially afford to spend a weekend in a hotel, but I only say it now because you said earlier you can afford private MH but if won't use those resources to help himself, you use it to help yourself.

Original poster
CoCoaButter85 · 31/03/2023 14:22

@Gingergirl70 - yes I can afford hotel. Nothing special but basics I can definitely cover. I would stay close to where I work so less travelling around would be required.

I have a medical appointment on Sunday and need to return equipment on Monday.he will get extremely angry if he sees me packing. If I did it on Tuesday I would simply be able to tell him what's going and keep myself safe. Without extra drama (he's never hurt me physically but emotionally plenty)

Private healthcare through insurance only.

OP posts:
Bigpinktrain · 31/03/2023 14:23

Has he tried any methods of treatment for his depression?
I have spent most my adult life on one SSRI or another and they are horrid, you feel nothing, no joy, no excitement, nothing. I have paid for CBT, talking therapy and counselling. Whilst in CBT my therapist recommended I take part in a trial for medical weed, it’s fully changed my life, I am actually happy now.
It is legal, I have monthly prescriptions, and I don’t have suicidal thoughts, or struggle at all. It’s really worth looking into
https://www.sapphireclinics.com/

Sapphire Medical Cannabis Clinics

Sapphire Medical Cannabis Clinics are an award winning, CQC registered Medical Cannabis Clinic who specialise in online consultations.

https://www.sapphireclinics.com/

countingallthseconds · 31/03/2023 14:29

Sounds like he's going through an abusive period, not necessarily a depressive one. I have depressive periods and I don't treat my partner like this.

Everybodywants · 31/03/2023 14:31

OP it sounds awful. I have lived with a depressive alcoholic and I left the marriage in the end.

I would pack you and the kids up and go elsewhere and then message his friend explaining and asking if they could go and try and encourage him to get some professional help. Give him the weekend and if he's not infront of a Dr by Monday morning he needs to move out elsewhere. This may seem harsh to some people reading but having been there and putting up with this for years it won't change anything doing the gentle, nicey nicey approach.

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 31/03/2023 14:31

You need to leave completely.

The more you explain the more it's clear it's not a depressive episode but actual abuse.

Ring womens aid.

Gingergirl70 · 31/03/2023 14:33

It's really concerning that you're afraid of his anger should he see you packing. I really don't think you should be facing the whole weekend alone with him, with no support from family or friends. Is there no-one else at all you can turn to for help over next couple of days until you can get out?
I know people are being helpful, suggesting different treatments and therapies, which may very well help in the long-term, but you've already stated quite plainly that he refuses all help and is not even taking his already prescribed medication, never mind new ones and any therapy would take a while to put in place even if he did agree.
Please arm yourself with the contact details of your local crisis team in case you decide this is the way to go over next couple of days. And please don't hesitate to phone police if you need to.

Wolfiefan · 31/03/2023 15:11

Don’t stay. Can someone come and keep you safe whilst you pack?

ThreeRingCircus · 31/03/2023 15:38

Honestly I'd get out of there now for a few nights. The fact you're worried if he saw you packing is concerning and he's being aggressive and verbally abusing you. You can't live like this, get out of there and let things cool off for a few nights. He needs to be at the doctors on Monday and promising that he won't touch alcohol again.... not taking his medication and boozing instead is the absolute worst thing he could be doing. You cannot help him if he won't help himself.

jannier · 31/03/2023 16:40

CoCoaButter85 · 31/03/2023 13:34

I don't think he is taking a y medication at the moment. He does have antidepressants which he starts when it gets too much to him (I know this should be managed by his doctor rather than he deciding on it). I don't think he would hurt himself, I don't think he would hurt me (would call police straight away).

What would the mental health crisis do? If he doesn't want to help himself it's difficult to give him any help...

I'm thinking to contact his good friend. So he could maybe call him. Running out of options.

If he's a danger to anyone including himself they can section him.
If he's not taking his meds....which he shouldn't drink with.... I'd be saying you need to show me your taking them or I'm leaving

Paq · 31/03/2023 17:05

I'd leave with the minimum and go back early Sunday when he's hopefully sober or asleep. If you have someone you can bring with you even better.

Backstreets · 31/03/2023 17:09

You sound scared and I think you should go to that hotel. You bloody matter, too.