Husband going through a depressive episode - what do I do?!! how to cope

[CoCoaButter85]

My husband has depression. It's on and off usually gets worse if he's stressed. It got unbearable about 4 years ago so I left (I felt I tried everything just had to save my own wellbeing). He's made some fundemental changes since and we got back together and it was great. Ups/downs of course but overall good, loving relationship, I was so impressed he managed to turn himself upside down.

Until Friday last week:
-lashing out at me
-blaming me for everything
-saying that life has no point and he wants to kill himself
-since then all this time he was on strong sleeping pills and didn't go anywhere apart from some food, shouting at me if i try engaging
-started drinking heavily yesterday (3/4 bottle vodka in less than 3 hrs), shouting at some road workers doing stuff at night for being noisy
-he probably opened my bedroom door 8 times during the night while drunk just to tell me to f** off etc
-shouting this morning at some vans who parked on our driveway

What can I possibly do in this situation to make him better? We have resources for private mental health but he's in a such a state he won't listen to anything I tell him. No family, friends abroad. What do I do? Ride it out until he gets into a reasonable state again? Pack essentials and go to a hotel until he calms down (I am contemplating). You wouldn't leave someone if they broke their leg, I feel i should stick with him and try to get him feel better. But current state is just awful

@Everybodywants its sounds like you had pretty horrible experience to go through. This is not the way to live life like this, that's for sure. At least right now he's calm and not doing anything to upset me.

@Gingergirl70 I didn't think of that. It is actually concerning. No, unfortunately no family or friends nearby who could help. I could get someone to potentially help me out towards the end of the week but that's a long way to go, I agree.

I am really afraid of leaving in an obvious manner. I need to admit it to myself.

@Bigpinktrain thanks for your insight for potential treatments. He told me he simply doesn't care anymore. He looks like he doesn't care I'm afraid.

Do you think contacting his friend would make sense? He's abroad but he could potentially talk some sense into him? Chances are low but might be worth a try.

Awful and uncaring as it sounds, I would wait until he sobers up and then tell him either he accepts he must stay on his meds and stop drinking or the marriage is over. Being someone's emotional punchbag never ends well. Save yourself.

You mentioned family abroad. Are you currently uk or abroad? If UK you can phone 111 and say you need the crisis team. Tell them what you’ve told us and they can ask him to come in and if refuses they can assess if they need to send someone to you.

I'm unclear if you have kids or not. If you can just put together the bare minimum and go to a hotel then you should do so. It might even help him pause for thought and realise what's going on

OP, if you feel safe enough for now, get online and book yourself a room in local affordable chain hotek then can you not wait for him to pass out in a drunken stupor and pack yourself an overnight bag - nightwear, phone charger, purse, toothbrush, clean underwear etc - then sneak out tonight. You never know, waking up to you not being there tomorrow might shock him into trying to get help, or stop drinking at least.
Who's medical appt is it on Sunday and how urgent is it? Can be postponed?
If and when you need to go back into house to pack for work trip, you can contact Women's Aid and they'll advise you how best to do this safely. You can speak to them over weekend from the safety of your hotel room maybe.
I'm really concerned neither of you have family or friends living locally who you can talk to or ask for support. That must be a very isolating life to live even without the added stress of what's going on with your DH's MH.

You can’t save him OP. You need to be safe.

@CoCoaButter85 - I have a son with MH issues. And I ring the crisis team when I have to say yes to -

am I scared of tiggering his anger.

Am I restricting what I do so I don’t anger him.

am I worried about what he may do if I don’t watch what I say.

‘could’ he be a danger to myself or him.

You need to speak to professionals. This isn’t just depression. It’s abuse. Him not getting treatment or following a plan inbetween bouts is self abuse/neglect at best as he’s damaging his own health. But it’s also impacting you every time he gets into this state and makes no effort to help himself and leaves his partner fearful of her actions etc.

@TheCatterall - I am so very sorry you are going through this. Given he's your son that makes the situation even worse. You can't stop caring about the son easily. Just make sure you look after yourself and do some nice things for yourself when you can. Be it a nice bunch of daffodils, nice treat to eat, talk to a friend, read good book or watch a movie on TV. Doesn't have to be anything expensive.

Just a quick update on my situation. The night went well and I had good rest. I went into our bedroom this morning and said that he needs help but he did not engage. I'll let him be for now as he's probably still hangover but will try again this afternoon / tomorrow. If still no luck will ring crisis team and contact his friend to get him to try and convince him. Given what used to happen 4 years ago in this phase he usually starts engaging a bit more.

I don't mind when he's like that, I mean it is shit in terms I cannot enjoy life with him but at least he's not affecting my well being.

But he is affecting your wellbeing. Is he taking any of the load in the household? Helping you in any way at all? Or is he just causing you more stress on your day that you don't deserve?

If he is not in a depressive state he's a good man: takes care of errands, plans things for us to do, always remember special occasions and gets nice presents. Makes me laugh and we have lots fun together be going out or just sitting on the sofa chatting. It's just now when he get's into this state of mind that makes life stressful. I would be unhappy if he just left me if I went through a rough patch mentally.

He seems to have been sleeping all day so I'm just leaving him to it. Will sort myself some dinner soon and leave some for him as well.

Hi OP, I just wanted to check in and see you're OK?

@Gingergirl70 thanks for checking in! That's very kind. He seems to be better now. Shaved and showered, eating, no alcohol. He didn't do much at home and was very sleepy all day but given he was hardly eating or drinking water for the last few days that's probably no surprise. He agreed to get GP appointment booked as well.

I'm glad he is better. But I'm concerned how to make sure this doesn't happen in the future. I can sort of see him sometimes going into some sort of overdrive (he usually to pretend everything is fine for a while) until he cannot hold on anymore. We all have bad and good days. And I know having depression it can be tricky and I came to terms with that before getting married. Im more concerned about the fact that he starts drinking excessively and his behavior becomes erratic and to be perfectly honest it was frightening.

I'm so glad things have taken a positive turn.
i could see that it was frightening for you and I can understand how you're worried about repeated behaviour. It is really something that has to be addressed and a good start is with his GP.
Once he's feeling a little better, I'd talk to him about things you can both do when there are signs of him going down this road again, and one of maybe should be that no alcohol is allowed in the house and if he insists on going out and getting drunk then he must find somewhere else to stay until he is sober.
I really hope his GP can refer him to an appropriate therapist or support and that your DH agrees to participate in any treatment offered.
I also hope your appt went well today. And remember, as much as your DH needs support, love and kindness from you to help with his recovery, you also need the same. It's not a one-way street. It's a marriage and a partnership. Take care of yourself 💐