I'm boring and lacklustre

Housenoob · 2023-03-30T22:19:35+00:00

I just find I don't have any enthusiasm for anything. I also have a very boring personality. I'm likeable enough to have conversations with but no one seems to want to actually get close to me. I made mum friends (acquaintances) when on mat leave in 2021, but now they've all made their own closer twos/threes. My work team have a few that seem to have got close really quick and I was gutted to discover recently that a 3 of them are now going on holiday together and didn't invite me. I don't think I was left out, I just wasn't even considered iyswim. I don't even know how they got so close. I feel I work so hard to be likeable, amiable whatever, that I come across bland. But I just hate small talk or giggling about inane shit. But then I don't know what else to talk about either. I still have my old uni mates who know me well, but otherwise I'm really struggling. I also don't feel I have any interests or hobbies, or anything I do like I cba doing because everything involves so much effort. I'm always fucking tired. My little one sleeps through so I can't even blame major sleep deprivation. I do have iron deficiency for which I take prescribed iron tablets for. But I'm fucking sick of it. Sick of just existing like this. I can't even take advice to forget what people think and be myself or whatever, because I don't feel like I have a 'myself' to be. Not sure why I'm posting. Just needed to rant.

Original poster

Housenoob · 30/03/2023 23:21

Oh and also, becoming a parent hasn't made me feel like this. I've been like this for years now. I know a lot of people feel a loss of identity when becoming a parent but this isn't that.

OP posts:

Bunce1 · 30/03/2023 23:29

Honestly you sound depressed.

I would give some serious consideration about talking to your GP and exploring some options.

being lonely is depressing. Sending you a virtual hug

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 30/03/2023 23:30

Don’t worry, OP . Next week the three who are holidaying together will be complaining :

that one of them hooked up with some bloke on the first night and just vanished leaving the other two to entertain each other

That one of them brought some bloke back to the room and shagged him noisily

That they didn’t divide up the bar bills fairly

that one of them ‘borrowed’ another’s perfume without asking and it was VERY expensive.

that one of them got very drunk, threw up embarrassingly in the restaurant and was then ill for three days, necessitating an expensive doctor which was not covered by insurance

etc etc etc

extroverts do not always have such terrific fun as they make out 🫣

Tryphenia · 30/03/2023 23:30

Are the iron supplements working? Have you had a recent blood test?

I think you’ve put your finger on it yourself when you say you’ve no self to be. Until you figure out who you are, you’ll just be this background figure nodding along to others, and they can’t get to know and like you because, by your own account, there’s nothing there, other than a desire to be liked and included. No one can do this for you. You need to sort the tiredness and start leading a life that interests you.

Original poster

Housenoob · 30/03/2023 23:32

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 30/03/2023 23:30

Don’t worry, OP . Next week the three who are holidaying together will be complaining :

that one of them hooked up with some bloke on the first night and just vanished leaving the other two to entertain each other

That one of them brought some bloke back to the room and shagged him noisily

That they didn’t divide up the bar bills fairly

that one of them ‘borrowed’ another’s perfume without asking and it was VERY expensive.

that one of them got very drunk, threw up embarrassingly in the restaurant and was then ill for three days, necessitating an expensive doctor which was not covered by insurance

etc etc etc

extroverts do not always have such terrific fun as they make out 🫣

That did make me smile, if only it were true. But they are not like that at all. 2 are in long term relationships and 1 is single but she'd never do that. They are genuinely nice, drama free ladies.

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Luredbyapomegranate · 30/03/2023 23:35

It does sound to me like depression. I would go see your GP, and also think about trying CBT with or without medication. It can be really helpful.

Original poster

Housenoob · 30/03/2023 23:49

I suppose it could be depression. I do find it takes me so much effort to do everyday things like get ready or make dinner. I do function though- I work full time and get everything I need to do done, plus I do pride myself on looking presentable so I always have hair and makeup done, daily shower etc.

I think I just have an extreme lack of confidence and faith in myself. I'm so indecisive on the tiniesy things because I'm terrified of making a bad decision. I'm different around different people. At home I'm often so negative (not around my DD)- not sure how my poor DH puts up with me. I will say I absolutely love being a mum, my daughter gives me so much joy and its the only time I actually feel confident in my abilities. I do worry she'll eventually pick up on how I really am though.

I do have a few interests but nothing that would make me want to join a group or something. Eg I like films, but not enough to join some film buff club. I like to work out (currently in a rut so haven't for a few months) but I'm not going to join a running club any time soon. I'd love to travel more but can't due to money. I really just feel stuck in a big rut.

The thing with me is, I'm also very cynical. I did a bit of cbt/therapy a long time ago (about 15 years) and was mentally rolling my eyes. Maybe medication is the only way out of this but I'm keen not to rely on it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Housenoob · 31/03/2023 13:57

Has cbt or therapy etc worked for anyone else that has a very cynical nature?

OP posts:

frozendaisy · 31/03/2023 15:15

So why don't you start with your child and husband?

Book bowling. Fir instance. It's fairly easy, quite good fun and you are out of the house actually doing something.

Then try all going for a swim, just in a training pool, they tend to be nice and warm and just splash about and have a hot drink afterwards.

Bake something with daughter and make a pot of tea with leaves, tea strainer.

It's about engagement and forget about what others are doing, going for the time being.

Perhaps set yourself a film challenge to watch every best picture Oscar winner this year, in order?

Then you will have things to talk about should it come up.

Nothing will change is you walk around in a resentful bubble about other people or you cba doing anything to change yourself.

stinkfaceison · 31/03/2023 15:16

Just be yourself OP . If people don't like you then it's their loss .

latetothefisting · 31/03/2023 15:23

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 30/03/2023 23:30

Don’t worry, OP . Next week the three who are holidaying together will be complaining :

that one of them hooked up with some bloke on the first night and just vanished leaving the other two to entertain each other

That one of them brought some bloke back to the room and shagged him noisily

That they didn’t divide up the bar bills fairly

that one of them ‘borrowed’ another’s perfume without asking and it was VERY expensive.

that one of them got very drunk, threw up embarrassingly in the restaurant and was then ill for three days, necessitating an expensive doctor which was not covered by insurance

etc etc etc

extroverts do not always have such terrific fun as they make out 🫣

Wtf is this nonsense?

Why does "going on holiday" automatically = extrovert? I'm an introvert, we are allowed to a) have friends and b) leave our homes! We don't just sit in the dark alone rocking back and forth every day!

Similarly why on earth would you assume that three women who normally get on together would suddenly have a terrible time just because they go away for a few days? I've been on holiday with friends loads of times and never had issues like that! Maybe occasional minor annoyances but I also have those when I've been away with family or romantic partner, surely nobody ever has holidays that are completely perfect in every single way!

Your assumptions about introverts are stereotyped and out of date and your assumptions about the way women interact are just sexist!

creaamontop · 31/03/2023 15:28

Are you mixing in the right places to find people who match your personality? Maybe join a book club or something a bit sedate where you'll get more deep thinking, quieter types that don't feel they need to play up to any social expectations. You'll meet people more like you that will appreciate your nature and connect better with you. Your uni friends are probably connected to you as intellectual equals, workplaces and general social groups are a mixed bag.

peachgreen · 31/03/2023 15:30

What is your diet like, OP? I ask because I felt a lot like this, and then I overhauled my diet completely, started eating mainly whole foods (way easier than it sounds), prioritising protein and vegetables, and avoiding sugar as much as practical (definitely not completely, just mostly) and honestly, it transformed my energy levels which therefore transformed my social life.

WildAloofRebel · 31/03/2023 15:32

I’m sorry OP. It’s shit to feel on the outside of things. I feel like that at choir, I walk in and try and make small talk and it feels like everyone already knows everyone so it’s hard to break in there. ImMUCH better 1:1 so try and get people alone and get past the small talk asap.

I bet you’re not boring. What you’re doing is probably boring and maybe you’re bored? But I doubt YOU are boring.

What did you love doing as a kid? They say that’s your true passion.

tuvamoodyson · 31/03/2023 15:39

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 30/03/2023 23:30

Don’t worry, OP . Next week the three who are holidaying together will be complaining :

that one of them hooked up with some bloke on the first night and just vanished leaving the other two to entertain each other

That one of them brought some bloke back to the room and shagged him noisily

That they didn’t divide up the bar bills fairly

that one of them ‘borrowed’ another’s perfume without asking and it was VERY expensive.

that one of them got very drunk, threw up embarrassingly in the restaurant and was then ill for three days, necessitating an expensive doctor which was not covered by insurance

etc etc etc

extroverts do not always have such terrific fun as they make out 🫣

Or, alternatively, they could have a ball! Why do people do this? It’s the same when someone posts about their friend seems to have it all eg beautiful home, great partner…some Debbie Downer always has to pipe up about how you don’t really know what’s going on, they could have loads of debt, he could be abusive etc. Sometimes things are EXACTLY how they look!!!

Original poster

Housenoob · 31/03/2023 16:14

frozendaisy · 31/03/2023 15:15

So why don't you start with your child and husband?

Book bowling. Fir instance. It's fairly easy, quite good fun and you are out of the house actually doing something.

Then try all going for a swim, just in a training pool, they tend to be nice and warm and just splash about and have a hot drink afterwards.

Bake something with daughter and make a pot of tea with leaves, tea strainer.

It's about engagement and forget about what others are doing, going for the time being.

Perhaps set yourself a film challenge to watch every best picture Oscar winner this year, in order?

Then you will have things to talk about should it come up.

Nothing will change is you walk around in a resentful bubble about other people or you cba doing anything to change yourself.

We do that kind of stuff - she's under two so a bit young for bowling but we always do an activity or two during the weekend whether it's swimming, going out to parks/walks etc or a farm.

I don't sit around in bed all day (although there's days I'd love to do that!), quite the opposite really.

I'm just shit at talking about myself I guess. I've noticed people tend to make a big story about the smallest things they do whereas I don't do that. People seem to get a natural easy vibe going quickly whereas I don't. I wouldn't say I'm awkward, but maybe there's a front that people can't get past.

OP posts:

Original poster

Housenoob · 31/03/2023 16:17

peachgreen · 31/03/2023 15:30

What is your diet like, OP? I ask because I felt a lot like this, and then I overhauled my diet completely, started eating mainly whole foods (way easier than it sounds), prioritising protein and vegetables, and avoiding sugar as much as practical (definitely not completely, just mostly) and honestly, it transformed my energy levels which therefore transformed my social life.

This is definitely a thing. My meals are healthy (prob could have more protein) but I'm definitely a sugar monster. I do feel better with a good diet and exercise routine but I need to haul myself out of this rut and get going really.

OP posts:

onemorerose · 31/03/2023 16:23

I can relate to the awkwardness in some ways OP. I hate small talk and don’t put myself out there too much. I dont have any real hobbies or interests outside the house.

However, I don’t get what you mean when you say you’ve no self to be. Everyone is the way they are and that is yourself. At least you aren’t being fake.

peachgreen · 31/03/2023 17:12

I genuinely think sugar impacts some people worse than others. I can’t believe how different I feel when I avoid it, it’s been life changing. I still lapse though and I feel so shit and flat and dull when I do. Give it a try.

DigitalTranny · 31/03/2023 17:28

I don’t think it’s depression at all, you don’t sound depressed. It’s personality.
I’m similar to you in a way that I dislike the inane giggling about stuff that’s generally unfunny. Especially women do that. Say for example they trip or knock a glass over etc..and they start laughing. It’s very childlike. I have a sense of humour but different to that.
I also agree that a lot of people make a big story about something trivial and unremarkable and I realise that these people and their lives are very boring and mundane but in order to make it more interesting they big things up. A non-story for them becomes an adventure. Yaaawn!

Tryphenia · 31/03/2023 17:36

DigitalTranny · 31/03/2023 17:28

I don’t think it’s depression at all, you don’t sound depressed. It’s personality.
I’m similar to you in a way that I dislike the inane giggling about stuff that’s generally unfunny. Especially women do that. Say for example they trip or knock a glass over etc..and they start laughing. It’s very childlike. I have a sense of humour but different to that.
I also agree that a lot of people make a big story about something trivial and unremarkable and I realise that these people and their lives are very boring and mundane but in order to make it more interesting they big things up. A non-story for them becomes an adventure. Yaaawn!

Well, I don’t disagree with any of that, but it’s not as though the only other mode to ‘inane giggling’ is the kind of ‘no hobbies and no interests’ non-self the OP is describing.

frozendaisy · 31/03/2023 18:21

So in an ideal world OP what would you like to talk about?

For instance, we have young teenagers, recently every teenager in the land, it felt, wanted the Prime drink. It was madness. I needed to have it explained by a friend mum what exactly Prime drink was but that opened up a whole conversation of internet influence.

And these conversations morph by starting from the smallest observation or comment.

CitizenofGotham · 31/03/2023 18:26

I can relate to a lot of what you said especially "I'm likeable enough to have conversations with but no one seems to want to actually get close to me." I feel like that, I'm friends with a lot of people but don't have a best friend, I'm not ever anyone's first choice. I think mine is that I can't be 100% myself with many people, besides family and a few people who I just click with. I can never think of what to say or feel something stopping me due to feeling embarrassed or worried about how I'll be perceived. I have Generalised Anxiety Disorder, could be a possibility for you?

I am more comfortable in groups, where I can just add a thought every now and then, and mostly listen. I am so jealous of people who can make a 10 minute hilarious story out of the most mundane things!

I think it is a case of confidence and perhaps being stuck in a bit of a rut? I'm sure you're not boring or bland, you don't come across that way in your post and I'm sure your dh wouldn't be with you if that was the case. Do you struggle what to say around dh or your uni mates? If not, then that shows it's not who you are but something is holding you back around others.

NurseCranesRolodex · 31/03/2023 18:34

Housenoob · 31/03/2023 13:57

Has cbt or therapy etc worked for anyone else that has a very cynical nature?

Yes, therapy helped me a lot. Another cynical, cba but feel lonely type here. They will give you ideas on how to move forward. A big step for me was looking into introverted personalities and searching for the topic here on MN. I accepted that I am an introvert and I need to decompress in my house at my own pace, constant masking of difficulties is v draining and accepting you need to recharge in your own way is healthy.

Original poster

Housenoob · 01/04/2023 13:44

Thanks for all of your input. Really useful. To answer some of the replies:

No I don't struggle talking to my DH or uni mates. Although I'm quite negative around my DH atm so I need to sort that.

I think I am basically you @CitizenofGotham@CitizenofGotham, and the generalised anxiety disorder definitely strikes a chord. I am so so worried about how I am perceived all the time that I end up not saying much and that obviously perpetuates the boring thing.

I'm a bit scared that my real self just isn't very nice. Don't get me wrong, I'm not horrible, but around my uni mates and family my sense of humour is very much sarcastic/acerbic and in the past has come across wrong, so I have to work very hard to not be like that around people I don't know so well. I also work with people who are very nicey nicey 'hey lovely' types which isn't a bad thing but it's just not me. Whereas with my uni mates we address each other like 'sup bitch' as that's always been our kind of relationship!

I get that I need interests, but also its not as though people with hobbies are always talking about them are they. I just feel something is missing when I have conversations with people that means they don't want to get close with me. Like somehow this work trio are super close to the point they facetime each other out of work, yet when we're all together (we are home based but have meetings every couple of months) I thought I was also part of the 'gang' but obviously not. Its like there's an invisible wall I'm somehow putting up.

OP posts: