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Original poster

Friend marrying a tosser. How to be 'happy' for her.

46 replies

Sillybollocks · 30/03/2023 16:14

Hi all, name changed although I'll try not to be outing.

I know my thread title doesn't make much sense but a very dear friend has 2 small DS with, and is marrying a man who, frankly, is a twat. She speaks about him with contempt to me and he talks to her like shit. Not really name calling, threatening or swearing at her, but constant criticism, undermining her, he also has quite a bigoted worldview. I don't want to go into identifying detail but suffice to say, he is nasty to her.

She and I have no concerns about physical violence so she isn't in that sort of danger but i would say that plenty of what he says is verbally/ emotionally abusive.

She complains to me a lot about his behaviour and views and has done so for ages, since before the kids were born.

We have discussed her options at length. I have assured her that she can still call the wedding off but despite all of his faults, she is adamant she wishes to go through with it. She is a SAHM and financially in quite a vulnerable position although she has family and friends nearby including me who wouldn't see her homeless.

It is an alternation of listening to complaints about his behaviour and announcements about the hen weekend and wedding. Has anyone been in a similar position where they've had to bite their tongue and support someone's decision even though it appears very much as though it isn't a great one long term and you've been worried? How do you balance this and support them? I'm not entirely happy about endorsing this by cooing about dresses and spending a load on a hen weekend and wedding (this obv is far from my main concern).

I believe (she's hinted but not said in so many words) that she might be playing the long game, gaining financial security and also getting the big day she has always wanted with a view to separating later but I worry about her in the meantime.

Should I just alternately sympathise and smile at the right moments? She's made her mind up so it isn't about persuading her or anything. It just feels quite hypocritical, being encouraging about the wedding. Should I maybe say to her 'I'll support your wedding plans but it worries me a lot'?.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sillybollocks · 03/04/2023 08:15

Bump just in case!

OP posts:
Summerhillsquare · 03/04/2023 08:18

I think you have to take the long view here. If she's SAHM she may feel in a stronger position after a couple of years of marriage. Keep being a friend. She knows your view.

Rainbowqueeen · 03/04/2023 08:19

Can you focus on the bits of the wedding that have nothing to do with him? Eg what she is wearing, other guests etc.

If she is a SAHM and he has all the assets in his name she is being financially savvy in getting married. Something else positive about it.

Not easy I know

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings
SNWannabe · 03/04/2023 08:20

Be honest and real. If she’s your friend and she’s bitched about him and insinuated that this may all be in order to be more financially stable when they split, then don’t be a hypocrite.
Dont be a bridesmaid as you need to stand at the bit where the minister or whoever talks about people around being part of their marriage etc and I definitely feel awful now as I was BM for one of my dearest friends despite thinking she was making a mistake. She’s now stuck married to a horribly abusive man and I feel guilty. I wish I’d said I love her but I cannot be part of a day that is only going to end in heartache for her.
So either be honest and say you will be there to show face and to accept her choice. Or say you cannot be part of it and here is why… but don’t pretend.

DustyLee123 · 03/04/2023 08:20

I’d just say that you are happy that she’s happy.

LlynTegid · 03/04/2023 08:21

I don't think you should go to the wedding myself. Diplomatic clashing event.

Number24Bus · 03/04/2023 08:23

To be honest as a SAHM it does make financial sense to get married.

But also... you never really know what goes on in other people's marriages. My friend married a man who none of her friends really liked. Always sure he was right, unpleasant to be around etc. But they are still married over 20 years later. Maybe it somehow works for them? We're still friends too (although I try to meet up with just her and the kids and not him!).

YukoandHiro · 03/04/2023 08:24

Almost certainly she knows she's financially screwed if they're not married - if he's as much of a twat as you think he'd probably leave the kids for dust and she'd be on benefits for years trying to salvage some earning power.
Honestly from what you've said - that's there no physical violence whatsoever - she probably is better off getting a couple of years of marriage under her belt so that she gets something to restart her life and protect the children.

YukoandHiro · 03/04/2023 08:24

@SNWannabe who said they're getting married in a church? Being a twat isn't a lawful impediment to marriage.

MintJulia · 03/04/2023 08:25

If you are a friend, you need to stay supportive and consistent but not pushy in your advice.

I have a very dear friend who lives with her husband. She tolerates his emotional and financial abuse. puts up with him blackmailing her, wrecking her home.

I would help her leave in a heartbeat, but instead she just wants to vent sometimes.

I don't understand her choice, but it is her choice and I'll continue to listen, so she knows she has my support.

Minimalme · 03/04/2023 08:27

In most relationships where one person is abusive, there is codependency.

Your friend was attracted to this man and has chosen to have two children with him. He may not be a healthy choice, but she is choosing to stay with him.

I couldn't maintain a friendship like that. I grew up with codependent parents - they were both selfish and unable to put my needs above their own.

Bewilderedandhurt · 03/04/2023 08:28

They both sound delightful, him an abusive biggot and her a deceitful gold digger. A match made in heaven!
I suppose you can only be there to pick up the pieces but the relationship doesn't sound to have wholesome foundations.

Crimeismymiddlename · 03/04/2023 08:38

In situations like this each person is getting something out of it. Your friend is staying so she does not have to work and has financial security down the line. Her partner gets a wife and children in his home. They both dislike each other but seen being miserable together better than being single.
If I was you I would just go with it, just not be as enthusiastic. Personally, I have seen this situation a few times and it never works out in the end, something about couples being legally together throws things off when the relationship was bad to start with.

FKATondelayo · 03/04/2023 08:41

Marrying the father of your children isn't 'gold-digging' FFS.

Celeriacsoup · 03/04/2023 08:50

Oh dear. Tricky one Sillybollocks. It's good you will be there to pick up the piece when this all plays out to its inevitable conclusion.

I must admit I would hate the hypocrisy of it all. Normally I would say bite your lip, say nothing, and smile throughout but this is a bit different isn't it? And the spending aspect is difficult too.

I just couldn't say vows in front of my nearest and dearest to someone who was verbally abusing me.

I think in this situation you are allowed one serious conversation at a very judiciously chosen moment saying exactly what you said in the last line of your post. I think if you frame it around concern for her you can't go too wrong. And as your concern is very genuine, she can't be too offended. She knows in her soul that what you are saying is right.

Unfortunately she is already aligned to this twat forever through her DC and as you say, the wedding will give her financial security. And I suppose it's a plus that he has offered to marry her from that pov. On the other hand, marrying him will do untold harm to her self esteem and will prevent her from meeting some other nice man. It sounds like she has very little self confidence so maybe one part of your talk should be about her talents, how good she is as a person, her potential if she expands her horizons, and try and build her up, hint that she is too good for this bloke and that she has other options. She may be so worn down by the twat that she doesn't believe she has any.

Could you buy her the Lundy Bancroft book 'why does he do that?' and tell her you will support her and you are there for her but you wanted to say this one thing once as her friend and then you'll never mention it again, say you feel honour bound to mention that you don't like the way he speaks to her and criticises her. And is she sure she wants to go through with it?

I think you could also legitimately express a bit of concern about the financial aspect but keep that as entirely separate from their relationship and talk about the cost of living crisis etc. Hint that it might be wise to keep the costs reasonable given the financial pressure that everyone is under currently. If she has a brain she will work that one out herself.

Good luck op. You are a really good friend.

dottiedodah · 03/04/2023 08:54

She is probably wanting security for her family TBH. If she doesnt marry him then she would be worse off if they split.Some people marry for this reason .You are her friend here and need to support her.She knows your feelings and wants to go ahead .Shes an Adult so can make her choices

ArcticSkewer · 03/04/2023 08:56

Sounds a better idea than having children with, and being financially dependent on, someone you just cohabit with. So it's a step towards financial security at least

specialk9 · 03/04/2023 09:00

I have a similar situ. A friend with a partner who quite frankly, from what she tells me, and I have witnessed is an absolute twat, horrible and selfish.

Then in the next breath she's calling him her 'rock' and getting excited about their possible engagement.

I don't want to lose her as a friend so other then being honest when she tells me her issues I smile and nod. It would be different if I thought she was in any danger. I think that's all you can do?

SNWannabe · 03/04/2023 09:00

YukoandHiro · 03/04/2023 08:24

@SNWannabe who said they're getting married in a church? Being a twat isn't a lawful impediment to marriage.

It’s more that sort of being a witness is a public declaration of support and almost an agreement with the marriage. Not about religion at all. But I do feel like being a bridesmaid is sort of supporting the marriage. Which is why I personally feel guilty… and wouldn’t suggest the OP takes on that role.

Celeriacsoup · 03/04/2023 09:02

One other thought on the serious side of things. How is he as a father? Is he overly negative and critical with the DC too? Presumably he is named as the DCs' father on their birth certificates? How does marrying him change his right of access over them if at all? Just mentioning this in case the verbal abuse ramps up to physical abuse after marriage as it sometimes does. 😢

peachgreen · 03/04/2023 09:02

She’s doing the right thing if she’s financially dependent on him. I’d be delighted for her. Once it’s done she can think seriously about getting out.

Tidsleytiddy · 03/04/2023 09:04

My friend married a moron. I know he’s a moron. She knows he’s a moron. She knows I know he’s a moron. What can you do 🤷‍♀️ She was determined to have a husband rather than a partner. I made my views quite clear but she went ahead anyway. Still together but she shows such contempt and disrespect for him. She’d never take advice from anyone so crack on

User135644 · 03/04/2023 09:05

They both sound awful. Like attracts like.

Tidsleytiddy · 03/04/2023 09:06

Indeed and a lot of greed to keep a property on her part

Tidsleytiddy · 03/04/2023 09:07

Oh and the marriage nullified a will they had made that she didn’t agree with.