Friend marrying a tosser. How to be 'happy' for her.

[Sillybollocks]

Hi all, name changed although I'll try not to be outing.

I know my thread title doesn't make much sense but a very dear friend has 2 small DS with, and is marrying a man who, frankly, is a twat. She speaks about him with contempt to me and he talks to her like shit. Not really name calling, threatening or swearing at her, but constant criticism, undermining her, he also has quite a bigoted worldview. I don't want to go into identifying detail but suffice to say, he is nasty to her.

She and I have no concerns about physical violence so she isn't in that sort of danger but i would say that plenty of what he says is verbally/ emotionally abusive.

She complains to me a lot about his behaviour and views and has done so for ages, since before the kids were born.

We have discussed her options at length. I have assured her that she can still call the wedding off but despite all of his faults, she is adamant she wishes to go through with it. She is a SAHM and financially in quite a vulnerable position although she has family and friends nearby including me who wouldn't see her homeless.

It is an alternation of listening to complaints about his behaviour and announcements about the hen weekend and wedding. Has anyone been in a similar position where they've had to bite their tongue and support someone's decision even though it appears very much as though it isn't a great one long term and you've been worried? How do you balance this and support them? I'm not entirely happy about endorsing this by cooing about dresses and spending a load on a hen weekend and wedding (this obv is far from my main concern).

I believe (she's hinted but not said in so many words) that she might be playing the long game, gaining financial security and also getting the big day she has always wanted with a view to separating later but I worry about her in the meantime.

Should I just alternately sympathise and smile at the right moments? She's made her mind up so it isn't about persuading her or anything. It just feels quite hypocritical, being encouraging about the wedding. Should I maybe say to her 'I'll support your wedding plans but it worries me a lot'?.

"She speaks about him with contempt to me and he talks to her like shit."

Yet is going to marry him anyway.

"She complains to me a lot about his behaviour and views and has done so for ages, since before the kids were born."

Yet chose to have kids with him anyway? Totally irresponsible.

"I believe (she's hinted but not said in so many words) that she might be playing the long game, gaining financial security and also getting the big day she has always wanted"

I hope the money is worth it. The poor kids.

Money. Money. Money. House. House. House. Isn’t love and respect more important

They will probably split up anyway, but being married puts her in a better position financially when they do go tits-up; she will hopefully be entitled to a share of things like assets and pensions, though I am not an expert.

I'd think of that and try to be happy about that, basically!

I agree it is frustrating when people waste their time with losers.

I wish my friends and family had been totally upfront with me about what they thought about my ex before I moved in with him, married him and had children with him, in that order. I think some of them saw things I didn't before it was too late.

But a divorced colleague also said to me, get married if you are going to have children. It will give you more rights if you split.

I have seen people in this situation whare not married, have kids and split and the SAH parent ends up with nothing, especially if the house is in the working person's name. This is completely unfair when that parent has given a huge amount to the family in terms of giving up a job and caring for the home and children.

If she is a SAHM she might have realised this, particularly if they live in a house that he owns, or if he has a decent pension and she doesn't. She might have realised she would have been better off marrying him before having children and is now trying to rectify that.

Some other countries recognise cohabitation differently. In New Zealand after 3 years living together the assets are treated as if a couple are married. This is much fairer on the SAH parent who is also making a contribution which is unrecognised in a split in this country if she is unmarried.

In a way she might be having to play the game to protect herself for the future. I'm not saying this is right, morally people will have all sorts of views about it and I'm not here to judge. But if he is as nasty as you imply, if she leaves him he might leave her with nothing and she might know that. People do all sorts of things to survive.

I know several people who complained about their husbands decades ago, and even said the marriage wouldn't last. All those couples are still together, whereas a number who appeared to be madly in love are not. As a pp said, no-one else really knows what goes on in other people's relationships.

She’s doing the right thing if she’s financially dependent on him. I’d be delighted for her. Once it’s done she can think seriously about getting out.

What an attitude! I would be ditching a friend who thought like that. Would you be so happy if a SAHD planned to do that?

So money is more important than what having a good Re lationship with your partner and bringing your kids up in a healthy environment? She needs her head testing. The long game is toughing it out now for the right partner.

I know someone who knew her fiancé was cheating but went ahead. She left him not long after. She said she knew it seemed weird, but she'd felt she needed to get married in order to leave him.
Maybe it's something like that as well as financial security for her children.

Friends don't support friends marrying twats
🎤⬇️

Just think of it as a legal contract giving her financial security and hideous photos you can laugh at or burn later together.

She sounds pretty vile to be deliberately subjecting her kids to that toxic scenario. I couldn't support it.

She sounds work-shy, too. Not admirable.

She's the adult making the choice.

If she's that stupid to marry a twat, all you can do is be there for her if things go pear-shaped.

And be prepared for years and years of being regaled with ongoing "this is what my twat of a husband has done"stories, if you can bear that prospect.

Not everyone’s lives are happy marriage and children. I’d take it as she’s getting the financial security in place. She’ll break free when she’s ready. Just celebrate the day with her as if you’re celebrating her and her children being together. Presumably she’s given them his name so now she has the same name as her children. That in itself is something to raise a glass to.

Thanks for all the replies, the post must have not been seen first time for some reason!

Interesting range of opinion to mull over.

To be fair to her she isn't awful or a gold digger. He wanted a SAMH (boys are still small, she plans to work as soon as the younger is in school) so pushed for this doing things such as belittling her career and capabilities, appearance even (yes I did point out how wrong this was). There isn't a great deal of money involved just modest equity on a family flat in his name so it isn't some get rich scheme. I think it would probably cover the deposit on a small flat or similar.

Good job she's marrying him then if she already has kids with him. Far better legal protection if/when they divorced as a married couple, rather than just split up as parents. Sounds sensible to me, if not in the least bit romantic!

I had a similar situation with a long term friend. She was older. No children involved but he had children. It wasn't as obvious as your situation but everything was off including him being rude to us on multiple occasions to her making excuses for his behaviour and telling me that she knew she was going to get the full package 'at her age' and had to compromise. He was a 'bit of a lad' and a gambler and a drinker. All of her other friends had fallen away and every time she had a family gathering on her side he either made excuses not to go (golf weekend, football match) or was rude about people (ridiculing a first wedding dance).

When she announced they were buying a house together I expressed concern and asked if she was sure. I did my best to be diplomatic but the conversation progressed and I ended having to make myself clear that we thought he was a twat and she deserved better. DH is very forgiving and rarely comments on anyone but he was very vocal to me about his dislike for her "D"P.

Our relationship rumbled along for a bit longer, they bought the house, they got engaged and then I just realised that she had changed. A lot of his entitlement and showing off had rubbed off on her. I realised that I just didn't like her very much any more and I was actually dreading the wedding. What would I do? Would I accept the invitation and turn up and be happy for her? Would I decline it? If I did, would I say why? So much angst!

Anyway, fast forward a couple of years and we are no longer in touch. To be honest, it's such a relief. I feel really sad in lots of ways as she was my best friend but she's no longer the person she was and neither am I. I have no idea what has happened or if they got married. I suspect long term they will either split up or she will be unhappy because I think I know her pretty well but I have made peace with the fact that it is her life and her decision and for my own peace of mind I had to let her go.

Also, when I posted specifics on here about their relationship. A lot of posters suggested that it was a controlling and emotionally abusive relationship. As far as I am aware all of her friendships and most of her family have fallen by the wayside in favour of his friends and family.

My best friend did this. I ended up telling her she was making catastrophic life choices that I couldn’t agree with. I didn’t go to her wedding.

She divorced him after 4 years for being an abusive cunt who drank too much and got into 40k of gambling debt.

Sums it up. Some people would rather compromise their happiness and peace for a bit of money. Sad.

Be happy that she will be in a less financially vulnerable position than being an economically inactive SAHM to small children and not married to her ‘tosser’?

This is so sad to hear about, I'm sorry your friend lost all the important relationships in her life. I hope she comes back to you one day and has been able to put this man behind her.

Luckily my friend is still in touch with everyone and open about the things he says and his behaviour, id much rather this than her feel isolated, even if it puts us in a rather impotent position.

I like this suggestion as to how I handle it practically also a poster said to see it as a celebration for her and the boys. As in be enthusiastic about the wedding as an event for them, getting dressed up and seeing family etc. but not so much the actual wedding aspect.