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Original poster

Surrogacy and newborn baby - does it impact the baby?

92 replies

Lemonaade · 29/03/2023 19:41

Seen a few threads recently on this and I’m just intrigued- some people say it’s not fair to the baby. But how does the baby know? Apart from later in life when they find out.

Do they know as a newborn they’ve been taken away from its mother? What is the impact on the baby?

OP posts:
geojellyfish · 29/03/2023 20:50

@Mummaganoush I am sure most people enter into surrogacy with the best intentions, whether the woman who chooses to surrogate to help another family grow or the people who have a strong urge to parent, feel they can provide a wonderful life to a child, but do not have the means to get pregnant themselves, etc.

However, given the evidence available around maternal attachment and separation, those who are involved in surrogacy are either wilfully ignorant of the unnecessary trauma they are inflicting on the baby OR they think their needs are more important. I suppose they could disbelieve the merit of all the scientific research into dyads. But seemingly, they are not putting the needs of the child first.

grapehyacinthisactuallyblue · 29/03/2023 20:50

Comedycook · 29/03/2023 20:47

There are people who wants a baby and can't have them

Just because someone wants something doesn't mean they get it regardless.

Surrogacy is human trafficking as far as I'm concerned.

Agree to disagree.

Speedweed · 29/03/2023 20:55

@Mummaganoush Thank you for pointing this out. I'm sure there are many for whom this thread's assertions are upsetting, who simply won't post, so thank you for saying it.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Clymene · 29/03/2023 20:56

ThisIsNotThePostYourLookingFor · 29/03/2023 20:46

Wow so many nasty comments on here. It’s bloody awful to be telling people that have had babies in NICU that their child will be damaged because they weren’t able to be helped immediately due to health issues.

@Mummaganoush please don’t listen to anyone who has never been in your position. I doubt very much your child has ‘irreversible’ damage. It’s not all down to the 4th trimester as pp’s have said

No one is being nasty.

If it didn't matter, why do parents even go and visit their preemies? Babies need their mothers. @Mummaganoush was with her baby as much as she was able to be while keeping her baby safe. No one is criticising her or trying to make her feel bad.

ThisIsNotThePostYourLookingFor · 29/03/2023 21:14

There are several comments about how babies know they have been separated and it’s cruel to remove them - plus this quote

‘There are lots of studies that show that some babies DO go on to have issues after being born prematurely and /or being separated from their mum’

Have parents of premature babies not been through enough without these types of comments or insights? It’s nasty and not needed.

picklemewalnuts · 29/03/2023 21:24

Speedweed · 29/03/2023 20:55

@Mummaganoush Thank you for pointing this out. I'm sure there are many for whom this thread's assertions are upsetting, who simply won't post, so thank you for saying it.

Just because an assertion is upsetting, doesn't mean it is untrue or that it shouldn't be talked about.

ConstableGoody · 29/03/2023 21:27

ThisIsNotThePostYourLookingFor · 29/03/2023 21:14

There are several comments about how babies know they have been separated and it’s cruel to remove them - plus this quote

‘There are lots of studies that show that some babies DO go on to have issues after being born prematurely and /or being separated from their mum’

Have parents of premature babies not been through enough without these types of comments or insights? It’s nasty and not needed.

… but it’s the truth. It isn’t the mothers fault, it just is what it is. No one benefits from hiding from the truth of their situation.

picklemewalnuts · 29/03/2023 21:28

Some health crises leave the sufferer with life long consequences. It's not wrong to state that. Some preemies will have been impacted from separation, as well as from their early health. We know that. Just like we know about various other ailments preemies are more likely to suffer. You'd only ever do it if it was essential, if it couldn't be avoided.
It's doing preemie parents no favours to pretend otherwise!

To create a baby specifically to remove it from its mum is unconscionable. I mean, vegans and some vegetarians don't use milk products because of the cruelty of separating calf and mum.

slowquickstep · 29/03/2023 21:29

grapehyacinthisactuallyblue · 29/03/2023 20:31

To me, all that I think that matters is the love the baby gets. That's all. I do think some parents who have no blood relation to the baby can give the baby a better life. There are people who wants a baby and can't have them. If both parties are happy with it, what's the problem? Some babies who are born and raised by their real mother, can end up in a shitty life.

And some babies given up by their mothers can end up in a shitty life. The buying and selling of babies is wrong.

mumyes · 29/03/2023 21:31

glasshole · 29/03/2023 19:49

When a baby is born all it recognises is the smell, taste, heartbeat and voice of its mother. It even recognise her body movements from being perched between her hips for so many months. That is ALL it wants. It's MOTHER. Not the person who the egg came from. Not the man the siren came from. It doesn't care a fig for genetics. The woman that grew the entire baby inside her. That's the mother and its what the baby needs.

Adoption centres the baby/child. It makes the best of a bad situation with the child needs being paramount.

Surrogacy flips that model on its head. It prioritise the purchasing parents WANTS first and foremost. Then the surrogates. Then right at the bottom it's the baby. The baby is almost an afterthought.

This makes me so sad for both mum and baby.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 29/03/2023 21:31

I had a full term baby in NICU. The staff asked me to let them give him either formula or a dummy because when I wasn't there, he'd scream and no one could comfort him. Not his Dad, not the staff...

I'd start talking I walked through the door and went to wash my hands. As soon as he heard me, he'd stop crying. I used to read to him in his incubator because I didn't know what to say half the time. Given my exhaustion and as it turned out horrendous mental health I think he was clearer about the fact that I was his Mother than I was even when he was just hours old.

HermioneWeasley · 29/03/2023 21:41

Yes there are situations that can’t be avoided where it is in the baby’s best interests to be separated at birth - for NICU care or because the mother is such a danger to thr child. That doesn’t mean we should be engineering more of those situations with surrogacy, which is in nobody’s interests but the parents’. We don’t take puppies or kittens away for weeks, but somehow in humans it’s not a problem?

mumyes · 29/03/2023 21:42

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 29/03/2023 21:31

I had a full term baby in NICU. The staff asked me to let them give him either formula or a dummy because when I wasn't there, he'd scream and no one could comfort him. Not his Dad, not the staff...

I'd start talking I walked through the door and went to wash my hands. As soon as he heard me, he'd stop crying. I used to read to him in his incubator because I didn't know what to say half the time. Given my exhaustion and as it turned out horrendous mental health I think he was clearer about the fact that I was his Mother than I was even when he was just hours old.

FlowersFlowers this sounds so tough...big hugs

Mummyof287 · 29/03/2023 21:52

glasshole · 29/03/2023 19:49

When a baby is born all it recognises is the smell, taste, heartbeat and voice of its mother. It even recognise her body movements from being perched between her hips for so many months. That is ALL it wants. It's MOTHER. Not the person who the egg came from. Not the man the siren came from. It doesn't care a fig for genetics. The woman that grew the entire baby inside her. That's the mother and its what the baby needs.

Adoption centres the baby/child. It makes the best of a bad situation with the child needs being paramount.

Surrogacy flips that model on its head. It prioritise the purchasing parents WANTS first and foremost. Then the surrogates. Then right at the bottom it's the baby. The baby is almost an afterthought.

This....everyone seems to see surrogacy as a positive thing but I struggle to for the reasons mentioned in this post.

QuiltedHippo · 29/03/2023 21:58

I have a lot of reservations about surrogacy, but reading this makes me think I'm the only one with a newborn who didn't care who held them as long as they were on somebody. And we had an OK birth, golden hour etc. If anything they hated skin to skin in those early weeks with me, probably as they just wanted milk.

Took a few months before massive mummy preference came in. Did make me a bit less concerned about surrogacy, but that's just my one baby!

mindutopia · 29/03/2023 22:00

Your baby will be absolutely fine. There are so many babies who need to be separated from the people who gave birth to them due to safeguarding reasons and for people who are adopting from birth or parents who have adopted from birth. All fine and does not impact their relationships at all. Children are incredibly resilient as long as they are loved and cared for by someone.

Professionally speaking, the only children with issues I’ve seen were not ones with surrogate parents. They were children whose parents dicked around about their wellbeing for years. Making them live in a neglectful environment with their best interests not at heart.

Babies born from surrogacy are absolutely fine. Just make plans to be there for your baby right away.

Honestly, it’s much later in life that children get tricky.

TorviShieldMaiden · 29/03/2023 22:04

Being a Velcro child isn’t a sign of good attachment though. It can actually be a sign of attachment issues. My dd always wants to be with me etc, but actually it’s a separation anxiety issue for her.

CrispAppleStrudels · 29/03/2023 22:04

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 29/03/2023 21:31

I had a full term baby in NICU. The staff asked me to let them give him either formula or a dummy because when I wasn't there, he'd scream and no one could comfort him. Not his Dad, not the staff...

I'd start talking I walked through the door and went to wash my hands. As soon as he heard me, he'd stop crying. I used to read to him in his incubator because I didn't know what to say half the time. Given my exhaustion and as it turned out horrendous mental health I think he was clearer about the fact that I was his Mother than I was even when he was just hours old.

Flowers This was my experience too. DD had sepsis and so we were separated for 5 days whilst she was in NICU and i had a different infection. When she was moved to SCBU and i asked the nurse at the entrance which bay she was in, her head immediately turned towards my voice and she stopped crying.

Like other posters, i feel our experience hugely contributed to my PND and it's really only 18months on that i can actually talk about our experience without crying.

Anotheroverreaction · 29/03/2023 22:06

It’s absolutely unacceptable that people buy and sell babies.

it’s totally different to NICU etc where people are acting in the best interest of the baby.

Surrogacy deliberately sets up a situation that will cause attachment trauma to a baby. How can that be okay?

How is it okay to buy babies? How can we support puppies being treated better than human babies?

Anotheroverreaction · 29/03/2023 22:09

Also just to add that attachment trauma doesn’t always show up ‘immediately’ so yes it may show up as being a Velcro baby or insecurely attached as a toddler etc. but the real issues tend to come to light from around age 8 + and are still linked to attachment issues/ trauma/ rupture as a baby.

Ive done a lot of research on this as I supported a friend when she adopted and all the training spoke about how these issues play out over the course of a child’s life.

Ricco12 · 29/03/2023 22:11

Lemonaade · 29/03/2023 19:41

Seen a few threads recently on this and I’m just intrigued- some people say it’s not fair to the baby. But how does the baby know? Apart from later in life when they find out.

Do they know as a newborn they’ve been taken away from its mother? What is the impact on the baby?

I watch a program on adoption and how even babies that were taken to a new family immediately and loved from the day they were born, when they scanned there brains they could see damage or under development caused by being removed from birth mother. The maternal bond is extremely strong. I was surprised to be honest, when I watched it.

Rowen32 · 29/03/2023 22:24

Ricco12 · 29/03/2023 22:11

I watch a program on adoption and how even babies that were taken to a new family immediately and loved from the day they were born, when they scanned there brains they could see damage or under development caused by being removed from birth mother. The maternal bond is extremely strong. I was surprised to be honest, when I watched it.

Show quote history

Can you link?

ScreamingBeans · 29/03/2023 22:47

I have no idea why so many people appear to believe that kittens and puppies are more emotionally sensitive than human babies.

You're not allowed to take a puppy or kitten away from its mother immediately. Because it's cruel. And yet humans? Crack on. It's a kind of doublethink.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 29/03/2023 22:49

glasshole · 29/03/2023 19:49

When a baby is born all it recognises is the smell, taste, heartbeat and voice of its mother. It even recognise her body movements from being perched between her hips for so many months. That is ALL it wants. It's MOTHER. Not the person who the egg came from. Not the man the siren came from. It doesn't care a fig for genetics. The woman that grew the entire baby inside her. That's the mother and its what the baby needs.

Adoption centres the baby/child. It makes the best of a bad situation with the child needs being paramount.

Surrogacy flips that model on its head. It prioritise the purchasing parents WANTS first and foremost. Then the surrogates. Then right at the bottom it's the baby. The baby is almost an afterthought.

This

MissMaple82 · 29/03/2023 23:07

Mummaganoush · 29/03/2023 20:13

Ok, I'm not discounting what has been said, but what about premmies? My 33 weeker couldn't see me or have me near for 6ish hours because she and I were both trying not to die, and she couldn't be held for 3 days. The NICU actively dissuaded me from touching in the early days beyond containment touch due to the stimulation.. is my DD irreparably damaged? I don't believe so. And what about maternal death during birth, rare in the Western world but what then?

Whilst surrogacy is by definition unnatural, if the child is raised by a loving parent or parents, are we saying they will be irreparably damaged?

I appreciate the best possible case for a child is a natural conception and birth, but this seems like a thread in poor taste for those who do not have the luxury of perfect natural conception, and a perfect after birth experience of the 4th trimester. The tone of this thread is demonising all based on some. There are some who persue surrogacy for the wrong reasons but there are many many more who take that choice as it's the only one they have.

That's not what they are saying. An attachment is all that is required, a secure attachment in any form. However, a fetus or newborn recognises the signs of the attachment from which it formed, the birth mother. Nor are they saying its irreparable, just that there will be some level of temporary trauma