Don't want to be here anymore

[mumtobee22]

So a bit of background history first of all. I'm 22 years old and have a 19 month old boy. I live with my mother and I always had done for support. I suffer severe mental health and always have done from a young age. I suffer adhd and ocd and severe depression. I've also had trauma from my child's father which I think I talked about before in a previous post. Everyday is a struggle for me and motherhood is a big struggle. I struggle to get up everyday most days I just want to lie in bed (but I don't) most days I don't want to be around anyone I want to be alone. I don't want to speak to anyone I don't trust anyone I just hate everyone and I want to be alone. I try my best with my son but there's days I don't even want to talk to him or be around him. I get these voices in my head telling me I'm not a good mum and I don't deserve to be his mum. I honestly just want to die and I have stated in a few threads before how I was struggling. My mum used to be a good support but it seems as if she's just really turnt against me. She thinks I'm being a horrible mum she's horrible to me she says I'm a disgrace and not fit to be a mother and I'm scarring my child because of my depression. I tried to tell her how I really felt the other day and all I got was snap out of it ur not fit to be a mother grow up and so much more. She thinks my child's dad is a better parent than me trust he's not. She's so nasty toxic and bitter. She hears me crying my eyes out on the bathroom floor every evening when my little boy goes to bed and all I get is grow up snap out of it look what ur doing on him ur a disgrace. She says life's hard on everyone get up and get on with it we all have "mental health" she says lie there and rot ur a disgrace and u could do a lot more for the child. Ur ruining his life. She is so toxic and no matter how many chances I give her she's not going to change. I can't take it anymore. I'm trying my best with the child but I honestly don't want to be here anymore and he's better off without me. I'm really struggling and she's really hurting me when we used to be so close. :(

Oh love. I wish I could reach out and give you a massive hug right now, you certainly deserve it.
firstly if you think you are in any danger of harming yourself you need to go to A&E, take your son if you don’t think your mum will look after him. You are a priority.
sorry if I’ve missed it, are you prescribed any medication and if so are you taking it?
I think your mum is petrified. Petrified she will lose you. I only speak from my own experience here of seeing my child go through some horrendous mental health challenges. I would never have voiced my inner thoughts as it would have been so cruel but I certainly felt them. And my inner rage came from fear of losing them.
I’m absolutely not making excuses for your mum, it’s unacceptable to say what she’s saying and to kick you while you’re down.
Adjusting to parenthood is really hard, I can’t imagine going through it while also battling with my mental health. Please please be kind to yourself in this immediate moment. And if you’re not feeling safe with your own thoughts go and get yourself somewhere to be checked over and seen.
Sorry to not be much help but I couldn’t not respond. Sending you a big hug 💐

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek real-life help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Some further support links:

NHS: Where to get urgent help for mental health
NHS: Looking after your mental health
MIND: Coping with mental health problems during coronavirus

CALM: The Campaign Against Living Miserably
NHS: Help for suicidal thoughts

Very best wishes from MNHQ.

I'm so sorry to hear this OP. It sounds so tough for all of you

Tough for you for obvious reasons.

Tough for your mum because she had no choice over you choosing to have a child, but you're both living under her roof.

Tough for your son because if your mum can hear you crying on the bathroom floor every evening, he probably can too.

Do you have enough help from your GP/MH professionals?

🫂 Are you under the community mental health teams ? Pls reach out to the samaritans.

Can you get your Doctor to refer you to the Maudsley? They deal with hard to shift depression/ocd etc. They do online (teams) calls.

I’m so sorry OP. Your mum can’t help here. You need RL professional support. You deserve to be well and happy.

Not making excuses for your mum but i tend to see alot of the older generations taking this approach. 'Tough love'. It doesnt work but its all they know.

If you were a shit mum you wouldn't be here asking for support. Shit mums dont care that they are shit mums.

You do sound like you need to get some external support though ❤️ contact your GP and see if you can meet with a member of the CMHT? Your baby needs you to be happy and healthy ❤️❤️❤️

I hope one day you and your little boy will be happy and loving life and this blip will be in the rear view mirror xxx

@mumtobee22 it’s a positive step that you’ve posted here, it’s a step towards getting the help you need. Looking after a young child is exhausting. Do you get support with your mental health at the moment? Have you spoken to your GP?
Am sending big hugs your way.

Bad mothers do not worry about being bad mothers. They don't give a toss.