Do you think ‘work hard, play hard’ or ‘work less, earn a bit less, relax a bit more’ families are happier?

[WaggyTailsWetNoses]

Our family is probably somewhere in the middle (good jobs but one part time, we enjoy travel, cultural activities and seeing friends, but find too much organised fun draining and a family sofa evening) so I’ve no particular vested interest in the answer. A couple of personal experiences have just got me reflecting on this.

I’d always assumed the work less, relax more families would be happier and closer. Given everything we hear about quality of life/ work-life balance. But several friends who consciously chose this life ten years or so ago are struggling, bored and frustrated. Despite their lives seeming like a manual for wholesome living on the outside, or an extended version of what people say they enjoyed during lockdown perhaps. Their DH’s seem happy enough, but quite set in their ways, which perhaps causes tension. And friends are sad that they can’t afford to offer their kids experiences and things. And their kids seem no less prone to anxiety, troubles at school etc. In contrast, we had a rare meeting with old friends last week. Both parents very senior management consultants, employ nannies, busy social lives, material wealth. I was struck by how much their family seemed like a chaotic but loving little team, and everyone’s needs appeared to be met just fine.

I know it’s different for different families. But perhaps the relaxed lifestyle we are sometimes encouraged to aspire to isn’t always a panacea?

I used to prioritize low pay, low input, high quality of life.

Now I work pretty insane hours mostly because I love what I now do. Kids are all teens. I do feel that we've missed out on time together over the last few years when my career went through the roof despite WFH. I miss that car time with them now as that's when we got to spend 1-1 time.

DD1 (now at uni) was good at tagging along with whatever I was doing on the farm or whatever was happening outside my career job. DD2 isn't interested in doing that so it's more complicated to spend time together.

DH is on call a lot which is a PIA. But he's better at prioritizing family time. Ironically he then spends that time to do his out doors projects! And his kids spend that time in bed on their phones.

My sister works her arse off in a high flying career. Has a fancy house, flash cars, multiple holidays a year and a shockingly large bank balance. She also has anti depressants and is well on her way to a heart attack or ulcer from stress I reckon. I couldn't live her life but she loves it. It make her happy. She has accomplished many things, has a lot of respect in her field and has done something to be proud of.

I however have lived as a sahm doing a few hours a week working part time in a job I enjoy with a full time working DH, we don't own our home and don't have fancy things but my gosh we are happy. It's completely stress free. Husband is happy, the kids have everything they need and a lot of everything they want and I am happy. It's a slow paced life and I couldn't love it more.

Everyone is different.

I grew up with work hard, play hard parents and didn’t enjoy it. My dad and stepmum went that route even more intensely- high powered jobs, exotic holidays, private schools for both the kids, immense amounts of extra curriculars for both kids- and it doesn’t seem to have made them happy at all. The adults seem stressed but weirdly the kids seemed stressed from an early age too, in a way that I haven’t really seen from primary schoolers. They’re anxious, they’ve had literal stress injuries from all their sports, they’ve never really known how to just chill out and play.

I recall a really interesting study which asked what kids really want from their parents and the majority didn’t actually say more time, they said they wanted their parents to be happier and less stressed. So I don’t think the problem with those lifestyles is the literal number of hours spent at work, it’s the impact on the parent’s mood and the general vibe of the household. Certainly that’s how I felt with my mum’s high powered job- I didn’t mind her getting home at 7 or 8, especially when I was a teen, but it was the fact that she would come in in this big stressed flurry and snap at me about my homework or whatever.

Anyway, all this really influenced me to conciously choose a different path for my family. My husband and I both work part time (30hrs for me, 24-30 for him) and take things at a much more relaxed pace.

riotlady that’s really interesting. Because I think my management consultant friends are probably less stressed than my ‘slow pace’ friends. Yes, busy, but they enjoy their jobs, seem Bally and obviously love being around their kids. Whereas a couple of friends leading a slower pace of life seem anxious and jaded.

I think it depends on age and phase of life for me

20 - 40 - work hard, play hard, more money

50 onwards - work less, use the money built up from younger more hectic days, relax more

Interesting. We both absolutely love our jobs which is quite rare as a couple. I’ve noticed that usually either only one party does, or neither, but we have both followed our absolute passions and now get paid for doing so. This really influences our family life as we encourage our children to find and follow what really feeds their souls.

For the first ten years of having a young family we got paid f all but all of a sudden things started spiralling and now we are pretty comfortable. And although our lives are busy we are not stressed or anxious about them because we both actively choose our work / focus each day.

For me, purpose is key. when you know what you are doing and why life is easier.

I work 4 days a week and have chosen work less stress less. As a single parent yes I’d like more disposable income but I maintain a home alone and keep my garden looking nice. See friends and have free time to go walking and do my other low cost hobbies.

I have considered getting a higher paid, higher stress job but worry my relaxed self and maintained home would go down the pan and the increased earnings wouldn’t really cover a cleaner and gardener!

Ah the age old question. Of course it depends on so many variables and I don't think there is ever going to be a clear answer.
Interesting to share examples though.
We are in the slightly slower, less income more time group. Positives are DH is self employed so can flex his hours if needed for family needs/deliveries etc.
I am part time but not a lot part time just enough to allow 2 days where I am around for pick up and a nice afternoons at home catching up on food shop or cleaning to take sting out of the weekend.
My DD's have had some MH issues and being around more is a def bonus and I also feel less torn.
We manage an ok lifestyle but money or lack of sometimes is a definite stress.
Anyway I feel for myself it gives me the best balance for the stage we are at.

I feel SO much happier earning money though! Was a SAHM for seven years and really REALLY hated not earning. Having my own income again massively improved my self esteem.

I was very much work hard, play hard before I had our DS. Now I have taken a more relaxed approach and work less. We are lucky that we can still do the nice things we enjoy.
So we have been lucky to have the best of both worlds at the Perfect time for us.

I will say, it still astounds that me that people think it can be a one size fits all though and not realise that people are different with different needs and different motivators. Just do what's best for you and your family.

Work hard, spend it all on boring stuff like house, food, kids and petrol, too little time or energy left to play.

As @ShiverOfSharks says!
One of my closest friends is go go go. She has stepped down from full to part time only recently, at 60 is still doing 5-10k runs daily, has three kids (two still at home). She doesn't have a cleaner but her house is spic and span (mind you her husband is a bit of a neat freak). She cooks a proper dinner every night. I bet she makes her bed every morning!
On Sunday at 11am she texted me after her 10k park run and was about to go off to see relatives for lunch and wanted to organise my birthday dinner. I was still in my jammies.
Is she happier? No idea. Am I unhappy? Nope. She does it her way I do it mine.

im currently part time after mat leave and love it!!

Different strokes for different folks…

Although DH and I would claim to be in the middle…so I stepped back from a work hard and maybe in a few years earn stupid money career to go in house and work instead a FT professional role. I am now much less stressed but earn very good money (but maybe only 20% of what I could have earned!). Yes, it’s busy but it doesn’t feel it because I know where my limits are and they’re a way off. Something to be said, from my experience, for slogging for 10 years or so to put yourself in that position.

It's impossible as there isn't one type that suits all.

Surely there are miserable work hard play hard families, and miserable work less relax more families!

Personally, we're definitely a "work enough but not too much" and relax more, play more family. We have a fantastic home life though with a lot of space and work to do on the land, so we're never bored just staying home.

We definitely don't have material possessions and expensive holidays coming out of our arses but we have everything we need and are very happy!

I am a work hard, play hard kind of person. My brother is the opposite. We are both happy. I guess it depends on the person.

I think either way can work and a lot depends on personalities and needs.

i think for women the ‘work less enjoy your family’ thing can be oversold. And can lead to being bored or unfulfilled or under confident long term. Or also living through the kids too much.

but it works for some. You have to know yourself. I love my job and the financial independence (and material options) it brings me / us.

id get bored and frustrated as a SAHM or part time.

we have a nanny and a cleaner to share the load. I chose both carefully and treat them well and they are like the extended family we don’t have.

so I arrive home to dinner cooked and the washing folded. And I sit down to eat with my children and hear about their days.

we don’t ‘play hard’ - evenings and weekends are about family time ( and DH allows work to spill over more than I’d like). If we go out as a couple once a month that’s a lot. Same for meeting up with other families.

but although high achievers that thrive on challenge we have some introverts in the family and need plenty of quiet down time.

it’s about knowing yourself and your family members needs and best meeting them.

it’s not one way is the best or right way.

In between both of these is perfect imho.

Work hard, play hard, is quite manic and frantic in the modern living world, and not sustainable. It can be a bit competitive and aggressive sometimes ‘look how well our kids, how many activities we do, holidays we go on.’

But at least effort is put in and life is interesting, and kids in those families get loads of opportunities.

But when I had DS who has significant SEN, I realised life can’t always actually be like that. Sometimes you have to centre everything at home to keep a kid who has big needs happy and not so stressed. No way could I be putting my kid in loads of activities and I couldn’t get back to my career, childminders for kids with significant needs are very expensive and kids with a lot of needs are not something you can easily ‘farm out’ to clubs, childminders or even schools.

I think there are a host of things that make a difference to this -

Economic down turns/cost of living crises are bound to exacerbate stresses if your financial situation isn't secure, so that could be what's making things particularly dodgy for slower paced families right now.

But with work hard play hard I think you have to get lucky in terms of both being in jobs you actually enjoy. And I don't think that's a given. I know quite a few work hard play hard people who dropped out in their 40s because they weren't finding much meaning either. And I think it can be particularly hard for couples to both manage that - which can lead to jealousy and resentment.

I think it’s probably experimenting with things until you find what’s right for you.

I think so many people get stuck in something because they think they should.

The PP really values being an SAHM, I really value having a career. In my wider friendship groups I can think of people who are happy and people who are unhappy in both positions. The latter because they’ve bought the idea they must have a high octane career or must be a full time mum and it simply doesn’t suit them.

Although of course nothing works if both partners don’t pull their weight.

Personally I would say it's not even just about different families needing different things, it's also about timing.

In our 20 and early 30s before kids we worked like mad to get in a good place financially, pay for the big ticket items (wedding, house deposit, some big exploring holidays). After having kids we have taken our foot off the gas with respect to careers. I fully expect as kids grow up and need us less we will again be pushing for new career steps.

I think whatever lifestyle you choose comes with compromises and more / less stressful periods. Obviously in the current climate families who have big careers and are earning a lot are probably finding life a lot less stressful overall!

We are somewhere in the middle to "work hard" end of the scale, with both of us working FT, but we don't have nannies etc.

I think a lot of it is about how much scope you have to tweak your circumstance. In an ideal world I'd probably work part time, but I can't do that easily in my current job which I really enjoy, so my compromise is to work FT. On the plus side, the fact that I enjoy my job means I find a lot of meaning and motivation in it. However, working FT with a young family can feel quite intense and hectic.

I go absolutely batshit crazy without stuff to do/constant challenge/variety/an element of freedom to handle those challenges in a way that works for me, rather like a polar bear trapped in a zoo enclosure.

Working less would result in the Devil making work for idle hands/an idle mind.

We are in the work less relax more camp however this doesn’t come with a low income in our case. DH is very good at his job and earns well. I work PT by choice but have an interesting and worthwhile job.

For us it’s the difference between being very comfortable (which we are) and wealthy which we could be if we both worked more. It’s not worth it. We also don’t value things like expensive cars and private schools and don’t need to endlessly renovate our house so there is plenty of money for holidays, eating out and any activities that we fancy. We have a relaxed and happy life. My brother and wife have the opposite life to ours and their house is always full of rushing, shouting, deadlines and stress. A kid getting sick brings the whole house of cards down. At our place one of us would just WFH.