11 year old rules

[HaggisFace]

Hello,

DD11 almost 12 has expressed dissatisfaction with our rules so we are looking at how to find some common ground.

We don't allow unrestricted phone time and phone is to be left downstairs at night. Lights off at 9.30pm Sun-Thurs and 10pm Fri and Sat.

She does a sport 13 hours per week and when she doesn't get enough sleep it's very obvious as her attitude and behaviour deteriorates however, I know she's getting older and don't want to be overly strict.

What are your phone and bed time rules?

My 11 year old doesn’t have a phone, but his switch is time limited to turn off at 8 or 8.30 during the week. 9 at the weekends. Lights out by 9.30 at the latest every night, weekdays we aim for 8.30 but it often creeps to 9.

No phone. bed at 8:30 lights out straightaway weekends 9pm

Mobile phones were left off and downstairs until they had taken their GCSE’s.
They went to bed at 10pm, then lights off at 10.30pm, Sun - Thurs. Stayed up later weekends.

Back then bed by about 9.30 school nights, no phone till 12yo but ipad went in the kitchen before bed

Other than than that no rules never felt the need, still don't 4 years on

We have the same rules and DD is the same age. If she stays up later than 10 at the weekend, she gets very grumpy.

Phone goes off at 8pm unless he's out at clubs which finish later. Upstairs at 8.30 weekdays, 9 - 9.30 weekends. Later sometimes by prior agreement.

Ita quite flexible though. That's the base and we alter depending on circs.

Your rules seem reasonable to me. What specifically isn’t she happy about?

I think that all sounds fine.

What do you mean 'you don't have unrestricted phone time'? How restricted is it?

Why don't you ask her to pitch what she think is fair, with reasons/evidence and then go from there.

Her phone locks automatically at 7, we don't allow social media/tik tok (another sticking point). She is the type of person who would sit on it constantly if she was able to so I've restricted the time to 2 hours week days then it will lock.

I'm flexible with unlocking as they use their own devices in school so will have used some of her time at school, or she'll maybe watch netflix on her phone if she wants to watch something not suitable for my younger child for example.

There have been a few issues with messages, Fallings out carrying over onto messages etc so I'm wary of her having free reign tbh.

Should say the lights off time is something I've recently agreed to being pushed back to that time. Previously it was 9pm and 9.30pm. I'm reluctant to move that further.

I was trying to think what my rules were are her age and I had a TV in my room so probably didn't have restricted screen time but it's so different from phones. I went clean off the rails at 13 so don't want to be too strict but equally I don't think our rules are that unfair. We don't really have other rules as such.

I've suggested to my husband that we loosen up on the phone and remove the lock after 2 hours as some middle ground. Keep the no phone at night along with the slightly later bedtime but I don't think that's what she's angling for.

I have asked her and she can't really tell me. Just said all her friends have their phones later and their parents aren't as strict. She usually goes up to bed on the 2 school nights she's home about 8/8.30 and she can read or whatever until its lights out. She can stay down here if she wants but she mostly goes up to do her own thing. At the weekend she's out a Fri evening and stays up with us on a Sat but so does her younger sibling. She doesn't like that they both get to stay up later on a Sat, she thinks it should just be her and her sister have a normal bedtime.

I know some kids do have more access to their phones as I can see her phone lighting up with messages in the evening if it's sat near me but I also know it's only some kids who seem to have their phone at all hours, not all of them.

My 11 year old doesn't have a phone. I don't think he is old enough for it (he's ND so not maybe as "streetwise" as some). He doesn't realy have a bedtime, just gies when he is tired or I go. He's always been a sleep is for the weak person though even as a baby.

To be honest that all still sounds reasonable. If she can’t say what she wants changed then I’m not sure how you can compromise with her. Maybe tell her that you are open to her coming to you with any reasonable suggestions and out the onus on her to come up with reasonable requests.

with TikTok- with my children we have made some of the popular TikTok videos together on my app log in (eg video of them doing the green green grass dance). However I’ve kept it private so no one can view it online, but they have fun doing the dance and can send it to friends in WhatsApp. This made them feel like they did what their friends were doing, but didn’t give them free rein on TikTok.

My son is 11 (year 6). He goes to bed some time between 8 and 9 depending on clubs/homework/tiredness etc. He doesn’t have a specific time that he has to be off his phone but doesn’t get unrestricted phone time and he’s not allowed it in his room at night. We’ve recently taken YouTube off as he was getting obsessed with it. He has WhatsApp but not TikTok/Snapchat etc.

DS (12) is screens off at 9. Lights off at 10.
Tablets/ phone charge in my room.

He's autistic and has always had a late body clock and just isn't ready to sleep before then. Activities like scouts and swimming mean that he's often out until around 8-9pm. He's not motivated by social media, but would have little restraint over youtube and games.

DS (10) is on the same times for logistical reasons. He doesn't have a phone yet and it sounds like most in the class do.

All mine have always said 'everyone else doesn't have rules and they can have their phones when they like' etc. It's not true. Though those that do have 'no rules' seem to be fiddling about on instagram at all hours, as I see them all flooding through on school nights when DC are in bed and asleep. No way would I have mine with phones in their bedrooms at night. Have been involved in too many school safeguarding cases to personally want to increase those risks for mine. Your rules sound completely reasonable. DS1 (now at uni) admits he I glad we had 'the rules' otherwise he'd never have got his work done even though he did a lot of moaning at the time!

Mephi

I worked in an environment I need child protection training and its definitely helped to form my views of safe mobile usage which she clearly doesn't appreciate.

I know I threw around the "my parents friends are so much cooler" and actually as an adult looking back some were neglectful if I'm honest so I know to take it on the chin.

I'm feeling a bit like I can't do right for wrong and know in my head it's hormones and a totally normal stage but it's draining.

I want to play ball but it's hard when I'm already trying my best to be fair whilst still being sensible. I need a thicker skin.

Nearly 12 here.
Phone & tablet downstairs about 8pm, but not restricted other than that.
No lights off rule - but they are never on when I go to bed.

Others definitely have later phones off time!

OP I hear you! The nagging and indignation is so relentless that I honestly think that is the reason lots of people just give up trying. Some may feel they have thought through the 'self regulation' argument, but I think lots just simply give up because the tenacity required is too much. Frankly lots of us fiddling around on Mumsnet as adults struggle with self regulation and phones never mind being a child and being 'left to it'. I'm sticking to my guns at present. Mine don't object to leaving the phone downstairs at night now. Daytime at weekends is more troublesome, but I honestly think they lose so much real time lost in mindless online video clips so a time limit that automatically kicks in is useful. You might suddenly find, as I have done, that they eventually come back from a friend or two to report that 'x's mum is even stricter than you with phones'... which always makes me smile!

Year 7 - phone switches off at 8pm
No app can be used for more than 1 hour a day
Not allowed in bedroom
Bedtime is go upstairs at 8pm, with 30 minutes, getting ready, messing around and arguing with sibling (I could happily lose that 30 minutes!)
I shut bedroom door at 8.30 and they reads until tired, usually between 9 and 10.

Year 9 here and up to bed at 8, phone/iPad off at 9. Some kids WhatsApp at all hours, I genuinely think she likes the boundaries that mean she can’t return messages at certain times.

My 11 year old (year 6) has no phone after 7:30pm. Phone stays downstairs overnight.
Bedtime is 8:30 weekdays (can read until 9) and 9 at weekends.

<realises that 11yo might be right about my ‘draconian’ bedtimes> 😂😂

Most yr6 I know go to bed around 10

My Y7 DS has to bring phone & iPad downstairs at bedtime, but I don’t limit outside of that. Oh 10am-3pm Sundays is always completely screen-free. He’s not allowed TikTok/Snapchat etc.
Bedtime is 8:30pm Sun-Thurs, lights out 9:30pm, and an hour later for both Fri-Sat.

11yo (y6) has no phone and frequently no screen time because he struggles to follow any rules about safe computer use. Bed at 8, lights off at 9.
13yo (y9) home at 10 3 days a week so phone locks at 10. Other nights phone locks at 9. No devices allowed upstairs unless with explicit consent (music, homework etc). Allowed Whatsapp and Twitter. No other. Social media. Campaigning hard for Snapchat.