Is it common to fall out over funeral arrangements?

[Funeralproblem]

We are currently making funeral arrangements for a close relative. There are only 3 of us to agree on everything, but it is SO difficult.
Sibling keeps making unilateral decisions, which is a bit much. Yesterday, was told that they had decided all of the pieces of music in the funeral service without consultation. So hard to keep having to be assertive. Muddling our way through, but not easy.
Anyone else had this problem?

Unfortunately I think it is quite common. Emotions are heightened and it can bring out the worst in people sometimes. I’m sorry for your troubles.

Funerals bring out the very best, and the very worst in people - so unfortunately yes, pretty typical unfortunately in my experience.

I can only say to concentrate on the kind of relationship you want with people 5 years from now, and concentrate on that. Unless the deceased had specific things they wanted carried out, it's all negotiated unless someone takes the obvious lead.

This is one of the reasons my mum organised her own funeral, the headaches and heartbreak involved with siblings was youth going at an emotive time.

Thanks both for your posts x

• was always going to happen at an emotive time.

It isn't unusual. Funerals can also be used to upset other family members about non funeral relates beefs.

Grief makes people act in strange ways.

my partners parent recently passed away and 1 or 2 of the siblings did take over at times. Since this happened I’ve had a discussion with my mum asking her to write all her wishes down and to sign and date it so that I don’t have to argue with anyone and so that her wishes are followed. Eg where , what music/hymns etc

Yes - pick your battles, stand up for things you know the deceased would have wanted and try and let the other stuff go unless it’s really really important to you.

Easier said than done I know!

I have written all my funeral wishes for this very reason. I don't want my relatives falling out

It's so so hard.

One of my parents died recently. Me and my surviving parent felt very very different about the funeral, and some of their decisions made me feel very stressed and unhappy.

My mother died last year, the three siblings agreed that everything had to go to a vote and unless it got three votes it needed to be rethought.

My sister and I enjoy the sort of music my DM loved, so we went to meet the singer with our DB’s blessing. He asked for only one hymn and we made sure that it was the first thing we asked for.

It was a close run thing when we were speaking to the caterer, but we pulled it back.
We just kept to the forefront of our minds that Mum would be horrified if we had fallen out.

It is such a hard time.

Sending love.

I think so. There was only me and my dad making decisions when my mum died. I ended up picking all the music as he said he could think of any
I might have pointed out he was married for 50 years and had she not expressed a liking of even one song during that time?!

Thanks all for posting about your experiences. It really does help x

Meant to say that this process was made easier by the fact that I sat Mum down with a glass of wine and we planned her funeral, what church she wanted to go to, that she wanted to be cremated (the other two didn’t know that) etc., she was very specific on some hymns and where in the service she wanted them sung. Then to my surprise she said whilst we are here, we may as well divvy up my jewellery it made life very easy after the funeral.

She lived for another eighteen months and we never mentioned it again.

We had a good laugh as we planned it.

It doesn’t have to be a hard conversation.

Sorry that last post is for anyone reading this, who has yet to go down that road.

My school friend no longer speaks to her aunt and cousins over the funeral arrangements of her nanna in the 1990s, because her dad fell out with the aunt over the funeral service and the division of jewellery and the grandfather’s war medals. I know of numerous other, similar cases too.

The take-away from this I suppose, is that everyone should plan their own funeral and leave written details with their Wills, along with any wishes relating to specific possessions. Easier said than done though, it’s not exactly a pleasant and cheerful task and it’s the sort of thing that gets put off.

I am sorry for your loss, OP. Look after yourself.

Yes it is hideous. Best is for the person to leave detailed instructions. You still have to make decisions, but it cuts down on the opportunities for disagreement.

concentrate on the kind of relationship you want with people 5 years from now, and concentrate on that.

This is very good advice indeed from @Timeforabiscuit

I absolutely understand the argument for respecting the deceased's wishes and also feel strongly that the funeral if for the living.

When planning DF's funeral, DSis and I didn't expect any disagreements because DM and us siblings all had very similar tastes so that only DF every complained.

DM insisted on doing everything the way DF would have wanted, whereas when he was around, he would usually let us have our own way on all but one or two points.

It was totally bizarre to DSis and me but we went with it as it seemed important to DM.

I'm a funeral arranger and it's not at all uncommon for there to be warring factions in families. Sometimes our team has to be on alert for any potential disruptions that may happen at the funeral.

When doing an arrangement, I will occasionally get a sense that one family member is being domineering and not giving other family members choices. It's easier for me if all the family members attend the arrangement, as I can go round the table and ask if everyone is happy with a particular choice. Harder if the domineering person is the client and comes alone, as we have to go with the client's wishes. I do work with some good celebrants though, and will also make them aware of family dynamics if necessary, so that they can also try and include everyone when they meet with the family.

i no longer speak to my relative because of the arguments over a funeral. Like you, they expected to make all the choices, despite some of them being very strange and not the sort of thing the deceased would have wanted.

The only advice i can give, is to pick your battles.

That is interesting. I think the only thing that is stopping our wishes from being ignored is that DH signed as the client to pay for the funeral. This has meant that the sibling cannot just cut us out of the decision making process.

Before I was even 50 I'd sorted out chunks of my funeral. My DGM sorted the whole thing including the speech by the vicar. I laughed and cried. It was a fabulous day. I'd recommend people give this thought.

I have witnessed arguments over: the photos in the order of service (too much prominence to some grandchildren over others), the flowers, the coffin, the colour of the coffin, the handles on the coffin, the music (+++), the FONT in the order of service, the food to be served after the service, the food to be served at the meal after the wake…ie everything. Absolutely everything can cause stress and some people will be up for a fight, as unbelievable as you would think that could be.

That’s awful. A time to pull together, surely. Very glad we’ve chosen direct cremations.

When I was 19, my relatively new step mother made a huge fuss about the fact my father was going to be seated in the cars/at the service with the relatives closest to my grandfather and that she wasn't a part of that small circle. I ended up giving her my seat at the service and sitting at the back. I then couldn't visit my father for several months afterwards because she took such a disliking to me over the event and wouldn't allow me into the house.

Totally normal unfortunately. FIL was very in to music and shared this interest with DH who knew exactly what recordings he would have wanted for the music.

Rest of the family picked music FIL would have left the room rather than listen to as they thought it sounded sweet.

I ended up advising DH to turn up and then come home and play the recordings and read the readings he knew his dad would have wanted on his own. It wasn't worth the aggro.