Is it common to fall out over funeral arrangements?

[Funeralproblem]

We are currently making funeral arrangements for a close relative. There are only 3 of us to agree on everything, but it is SO difficult.
Sibling keeps making unilateral decisions, which is a bit much. Yesterday, was told that they had decided all of the pieces of music in the funeral service without consultation. So hard to keep having to be assertive. Muddling our way through, but not easy.
Anyone else had this problem?

Yes as others have said 100% common. Grief makes people go a bit mad.

If it's the death of a parent, this is almost standard because (and I didn't realise this at the time and with hindsight feel a bit naive as it's so obvious) all the children (if there are more than one) will have different relationships with the deceased.

It is likely that there will be at least one who perceives another one to be 'a favourite' child which the death will bring out in terms of triggering years of unspoken resentment.

A parent, especially a mother, can be the lynchpin holding the whole family together. When they die, it can mean that the centre of gravity of the family has gone and everyone is scrambling to re-adjust in a new dynamic.

If you loved the deceased it is so SO SO terrible to be dealing with grief and having to organise stuff.

The only thing I would say is to remember that every is having a hard time, remember this and cut each other some slack. Say this repeatedly to everyone involved. Tell everyone that we are all grieving in our own way and we all need to make allowances for each other.

Insofar as possible, everyone who matters/close relatives should be able to have input and their way because there is one funeral, feeling heard and seen is important in times of grief and what is important to one about honouring the deceased is not to another.

So what I mean by that is if A really wants Hymn 1 and B really wants Hymn 2, don't fight about it and have both of them. Compromise if it doesn't really matter to you and it won't bug you for ever.

I'm sorry for you loss. Death is just pain for those left behind.

Yes, just like weddings. My DM died,F re- married very quickly,she died 12 years later. Both staunch atheists. He got a retired vicar to carry out ceremony in crematorium. 6 weeks before he died,he re-married.widow called me, said she wanted to discuss arrangements. I was so happy....until she told me that my late Fs Macmillan nurse suggested it (only child he didn't invite me to this wedding,that hurt,her 2 children were the witnesses) she was an old ex nextdoor neighbour to my parents, knew them well. My late F hated,fuss/flowers/gardening. she arranged religious church ceremony,I wasn't mentioned at all in the speeches or my DKs,lots of expensive flowers. I was ignored at the food/drinks at his house afterwards.

When my FIL died, DH and his two siblings didn't so much fall out as have endless lengthy and counterproductive discussions on every tiny detail for the funeral. They don't live near us so there were countless zoom calls and e mails. Because I am retired and easy to contact the funeral directors called me to clarify everything. In the end I told DH that they needed to just make decisions so I could be left in peace. It was very difficult and I felt bad but I could see all the lengthy discussions were helping no-one.

Gosh yes. My mother, from whom I am now estranged, decided that there wouldn’t be any music, flowers or cars, or a service at the Crem, just a church service and that she would drive herself up to the crem and see him off alone.

Not a single thought about what anyone else might want or think. I picked and paid for beautiful flowers for on his coffin, and made the funeral director put them on. My mother said “you can take them home, I’m not having them.”
Happiky the funeral director is a sensible sort and did it anyway and also booked cars too. I don’t know what got into my mother, it was as though she didn’t want a funeral at all so she was only prepared to go along with the bare minimum.

More acrimony when sharing out belongings

Funerals bring the family drama. I have seen so much fighting over the most ridiculous things. Worrying about the hymns or the menu likely doesn’t matter.

pick your battles. If you are fighting to have a relatives favorite song included or making sure the restaurant chosen for the luncheon can serve the deceased favorite drink, then it matters. Most of the other details just don’t make any difference.

I’m a parish minister and in my experience while it’s not unheard of for families to fall out with each over the funeral arrangements, it is far from common. If there are fallings out, it’s generally down to pre-existing and often long-standing tensions and divisions within the family.

Sometimes it’s because a son, who lives far away and has had little to do with his family for some time, returns a few days after the death and attempts to undo all the arrangements already made by the surviving parent, usually his mother, and other sibling, usually his sister. Have seen that a few times.

I'm going through it as well, OP.

My Dad died at the end of January, without ever wanting to discuss what happened after. He died from cancer, and his last months were brutal. He shut everyone out of his life apart from my sister, my daughters and I. And he asked me to make his medical decisions which really upset my sister. I'm exhausted by having to constantly walk on eggshells around her, in honesty, but am equally aware that she's mourning her Dad too. But I do feel that it's anything to be awkward to be honest.

I have since written out very specific funeral instructions for DH/DC so they don't have to endure this.

Very common unfortunately! We lost a relative and there were many children (mixture of biological/step and half siblings) and it got bad. Relative had written a clear funeral plan but the most estranged biological child kicked off and wanted all the wishes disregarded as it wasn't what they wanted and they 'knew best' (after over 20 years of NC). Rest of biological and some half siblings were terrified of them and just refused to challenge them (always like this apparently!). Thankfully the deceased relatives wishes were very clear and the more impartial people involved (e.g. solicitor, funeral director etc) said that they would be followed. They had a tantrum and decided to plan their own wake so there were two seperate wakes depending on which 'side' you were on. Then turned up to the funeral and spent the entire time loudly slagging the deceased off with all the extra people they'd invited without telling anyone (relatives of the ex spouse of the deceased).

Omg! I'm so sorry to read about the difficult situations some of you have dealt with. It's certainly not easy. Thanks for posting about them. It has made me feel that although our situation seems uncomfortable, it is by no means unique.

I am determined to avoid conflict if at all possible, so it has been a case of negotiation and treading on eggshells.

Like many of you have said, the issue of the music for the funeral is probably not a hill worth dying on.

My adult ds died 5 months ago and left instructions for his cremation and service. It saved a lot of decision making and unnecessary upset at an awful time. I cannot understand people not thinking about their funeral wishes when making their wills and discussing them with their families.
I've just redone my will and made sure dh and dd know all my plans.

When my dad died the funeral director sugggested some classical music for the beginning and end. It just struck me reading your post why didn’t my mum suggest music he liked (which wouldn’t have been classical).

Yeah, falling out over funeral plans happens more than people think emotions are all over the place, and everyone has their own idea of what should be done. That’s why having a clear, beautifully put-together order of service can actually help a lot. People often go with trusted names like Memorial Leaflets, Funeral Order Of Service Printing, or Graceful Farewells. These brands make it easy to pull everything together without drama. Funeral Order Of Service Printing especially stands out they’re quick, thoughtful, and their designs just feel right for the moment.