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Feel really embarrassed

35 replies

User0610139736 · 26/03/2023 11:47

Went for a coffee with a male friend after an activity we both do early on a Sunday morning, as we quite often do. I’ve been through a difficult time (separation) and a couple of months ago he saw me upset at the activity and asked if I wanted to join him for a coffee and chat after. He’s been really helpful as a good person to talk to and has some relevant experience which has helped me with my situation.
as I’ve got to know him I’ve realised he has lots of issues and so we’ve talked about those to and generally share a bit and listen to each other. We maybe have coffee every 2-3 wks and minimal to no contact in between.
he’s married and one time he asked if I wanted a coffee that day and I said yes then he said his wife was going to meet him too so would join us, it was a bit weird when she arrived but she was quite friendly and I thought it was all ok. That was about 6 wks ago maybe.
Today we went and I didn’t realise she was meeting him too. When she arrived I’d nearly finished me coffee anyway and was going to leave them to it but she was really really frosty with me. She asked if he’d like a coffee but didn’t offer me one (I would have declined anyway), then when she came back with hers I said how are you, she said fine, but didn’t ask me how I was. Sounds silly now writing it down but it was so frosty and I felt very unwelcome and embarrassed. I’d cleared my bag off the seat next to me but she sat on the other side next to him even though it wasn’t th obvious place if you see what I mean.
I made my excuses and left straightaway but am finding myself feeling really embarrassed. I was going to go and leave them to it anyway, she didn’t have to make it so clear I wasn’t welcome. To be clear I have no designs on him at all, and I am not attractive.
now I’m single is this what it will be like? Will people think I’m after their husbands?
have I done something wrong? Obviously I think it’s best we don’t have coffee again but just feel horrible about it and kind of embarrassed and a bit humiliated.

OP posts:
TheCentreSlide · 26/03/2023 11:54

Your friend had fallen into a friendship with you where he was sharing his emotions, confiding - the beginnings of intimacy with a single woman. He may have form for this, he may have cheated/engaged in emotional affairs in the past so she may have every reason to feel pissed off about the situation. You haven’t done anything wrong, it’s just that these things can be complicated.

TheCentreSlide · 26/03/2023 11:55

But don’t feel humiliated, the desire for friendship is very normal and perfectly ok - she felt rattled and acted in a way which made you feel criticised but you needn’t take that on - it’s their stuff.

Xrays · 26/03/2023 11:56

TheCentreSlide · 26/03/2023 11:54

Your friend had fallen into a friendship with you where he was sharing his emotions, confiding - the beginnings of intimacy with a single woman. He may have form for this, he may have cheated/engaged in emotional affairs in the past so she may have every reason to feel pissed off about the situation. You haven’t done anything wrong, it’s just that these things can be complicated.

Yep this. It may be nothing you’ve done but all to do with him.

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User0610139736 · 26/03/2023 11:59

What should I say when he suggests coffee again? Be honest about why not?

OP posts:
pensionconfusion · 26/03/2023 12:00

User0610139736 · 26/03/2023 11:59

What should I say when he suggests coffee again? Be honest about why not?

You've done nothing wrong but be honest if you knock back coffee next time. He will explain if she was having an off day or if she has a problem with you.

User0610139736 · 26/03/2023 12:03

I definitely don’t want to be in that position again, I’m very non confrontational and a bit of a people pleaser and it felt so uncomfortable.
I think he must be difficult to be married to and I know things have not been all plain sailing for them lately. Just hate the thought that she thinks I might be making a move on him when I’m really not.

OP posts:
TheCentreSlide · 26/03/2023 12:07

If he suggests another coffee tell him the situation with his wife made you feel very uncomfortable - not because she came along, which was ok, but because she seemed hostile. You don’t deserve to be treated with hostility and why should you want to spend your free time feeling judged by an angry person?

As I said before I’m sure she has a reason to feel irritated by him suddenly getting closer to a single woman. But that’s not on you.

Turnipworkharder · 26/03/2023 12:08

Just be truthful with him and you've nothing to feel embarrassed about.😊

NapoliTutti · 26/03/2023 12:11

While you haven’t done anything wrong per se, if my husband was meeting up with a single woman solo I would not be happy.
Put yourself in her shoes.

Villssev · 26/03/2023 12:11

Friendly the first time

Bit off the second

could just be she was in a bit of a bad mood

Either way… he sounds a twat and one to avoid.

Redebs · 26/03/2023 12:15

I wouldn't have coffee with him again.

User0610139736 · 26/03/2023 12:16

I think in her shoes I would still have been polite then spoken to him about it afterwards.
But yes, I enjoy chatting to him but wouldn’t miss it that much! So will back off as per her clear message.

OP posts:
CuriousMama · 26/03/2023 12:19

Stop being a people pleaser. And don't meet him again. He sounds a drain anyway. Meet new friends.

RandomMess · 26/03/2023 12:19

I would just that you don't think his wife is happy about you two meeting up for coffee so best not meet up anymore

happysingleversary · 26/03/2023 12:29

Just say no that’s next time
he’s not going to pressure you

Wallywobbles · 26/03/2023 12:34

Nowt to do with you. She was marking her territory. He has form for something.

QueenSmartypants · 26/03/2023 13:02

Next time decline and tell him that it's because it was clear his wife was unhappy about it. Say that you need to be clear that you have no interest in him as anything other than a friend.

MaryJean87 · 26/03/2023 13:38

Best not to get involved with him any further. He's her husband first and foremost and it won't be worst upsetting her over. I'm not sure many women would be happy with their husbands going for regular coffees with another woman and I think that stands whether the intentions are innocent or not.

MaryJean87 · 26/03/2023 13:39
  • worth not worst
shieldmaiden7 · 26/03/2023 15:21

If he's talking to you, a single woman, about personal issues including hiccups in him marriage. She may think it's the start of a emotional affair as it kind of sounds like it. You haven't done anything wrong, it's all on him but I can see why she could possibly be upset with you.

User0610139736 · 26/03/2023 18:09

Yes the more I think about it the more annoyed I am with him for putting me in an awkward situation. When he asked me for coffee today he could’ve said he’d made an arrangement for her to come and meet him then I would have had a quick coffee and been on my way and made sure I’d gone before she arrived. Can see how it wasn't ideal for her to turn up as per their arrangement to see him there with me when she doesn’t know me very well at all.

OP posts:
TennisWithDeborah · 26/03/2023 18:21
Happy Birthday Love GIF by Schitt's Creek

He may have form for this kind of thing …..he may have been “teeing up” an affair with you by being friendly and supportive.

You would not have been interested in an affair, but his wife doesn’t know that.

You say you’re unattractive, but men have found you desirable in the past presumably. He might do, too. And anyway, people who cheat don’t always do so with conventionally hot people.

I don’t think that you’ve done anything wrong but uncool as it sounds, you’ve been a bit naive in this situation.

Lovingmynewbicycle · 26/03/2023 18:27

Obviously don't have coffee with him again. But I wouldn't explain - just have somewhere to go. Same if he asks again - rinse, lather, repeat. He'll get the message.

shieldmaiden7 · 26/03/2023 18:38

shieldmaiden7 · 26/03/2023 15:21

If he's talking to you, a single woman, about personal issues including hiccups in him marriage. She may think it's the start of a emotional affair as it kind of sounds like it. You haven't done anything wrong, it's all on him but I can see why she could possibly be upset with you.

I think if you left before she turned up it would look suspicious to here if he told her you were there, like you're avoiding her and have something to hide.
Honestly just think the best thing to do is just avoid having a coffee with him in the future. Not worth the stress and potentially false accusations

Queenmargery · 26/03/2023 18:42

I don't think you did anything wrong.
If he was up to anything surely he wouldn't be inviting you along when he is meeting his wife. Seems like he is keeping everything open and above board.