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Original poster

Would this worry you or am I being judgmental?

30 replies

Sfuandtired · 25/03/2023 20:30

DD17 has a new boyfriend, he’s a year older and is leaving Foster care and moving into a flat.
without outing myself Dd would be classed as vulnerable and alarm bells are ringing, would this worry you as a parent or am I jumping to conclusions and being judgemental?

OP posts:
Daffodilsandbeer · 25/03/2023 20:32

No based on what you’ve written of course not.l.why is your kid vulnerable,

bloodywhitecat · 25/03/2023 20:34

What concerns do you have, the fact he is leaving foster care or the fact he will have his own place?

Luredbyapomegranate · 25/03/2023 20:34

You haven’t explained the problem -

Why is your DD vulnerable?

And what about him makes him a risk?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
FionnulaTheCooler · 25/03/2023 20:34

An 18 year old moving into their own flat and dating someone of a similar age sounds fine on the face of it, but I'm guessing there's more back story to it. Has your DD made noises about moving in with him?

Newuser82 · 25/03/2023 20:35

Yeah I'd give him the benefit of the doubt just like any other kid.

Purplecatshopaholic · 25/03/2023 20:36

What’s the back story op?

Hiddenvoice · 25/03/2023 20:37

Sorry it all sounds confusing. They are of the same age and he is leaving foster care to move into a flat. Is it because she will be visiting him in the flat without another adult around?

premicrois · 25/03/2023 20:38

What's judgement are you making?

jannier · 25/03/2023 20:43

What's the issue is he nice or not? Are you saying because of being in foster care he's a lesser being we all know the system boots him out at 18 it's not his choice?

Original poster
Sfuandtired · 25/03/2023 20:43

I’m concerned about why he might have been in foster care, the flat isn’t in a great area, Dd and him being alone in the flat is also a worry.
I don’t want to out myself but DD has difficulty with social communication, expression and reading others.

OP posts:
patrickbatemansbusinesscard · 25/03/2023 20:44

Have you met him?

BigMamaFratelli · 25/03/2023 20:48

I wouldn't judge him for being in foster care, but I would worry. If only because two vulnerable/damaged people don't very often make a healthy, functioning relationship.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/03/2023 20:48

I would help your daughter to get contraception immediately.

thedancingbear · 25/03/2023 20:50

I agree OP. Adults who have spent time in foster care should not be allowed to form relationships.

is that what you want to hear? If not then what is your point?

jannier · 25/03/2023 20:53

Sfuandtired · 25/03/2023 20:43

I’m concerned about why he might have been in foster care, the flat isn’t in a great area, Dd and him being alone in the flat is also a worry.
I don’t want to out myself but DD has difficulty with social communication, expression and reading others.

Children are put into foster care for many reasons death of a parent, abusive parents, parents unable to cope, illness of parent.....it's not the child's fault and it's not contagious.....the help he gets with housing when kicked out of foster care as all 18 year olds are doesn't allow for choosing a nice area or mega money it's basic and I'm sure he could do with your support not judgement. So basically your imagining what they will get up to in a flat alone? Pretty much the same as any 17 or 18 year old in your house when your out, a park bench or back of car I guess or do you think he will be getting her addicted or worse?
Have you talked to your daughter about relationships contraception etc?

Chilloutsnow · 25/03/2023 20:58

If my daughter was vulnerable then yes I would be concerned. LAC are at a highly vulnerable point of transition when they just leave care and I would certainly worry it would all be a little bit chaotic, particularly if my own DD had her issues. I guess she’s 17 so she is old enough to make her own decisions. Maybe suggest meeting him?

lljkk · 25/03/2023 20:59

You're always going to have to judge him on basis of your impression when you talk to him, OP. Or Are you saying foster care made him a bad person or he had to go into foster care because he was a bad person?

This reminds me of prejudice against kids in orphanages from like, 100 years ago. There was something bad about them is why their kin didn't take them in, prevailing prejudice back then.

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 25/03/2023 21:01

Maybe invite him for tea? Suss him out. And eat your hat if he isn't the degenerate/troubled dc you think he is.

Reinventinganna · 25/03/2023 21:04

Him being in foster care is not an issue.

Your dd being vulnerable possibly is (impossible to say with the information provided) but would you be worried if it was a boyfriend from a middle class background?

From your brief description I’m guessing that your dd has autism? Does she not have a right to have a relationship? Does she have capacity to consent to sexual relationships?

Chilloutsnow · 25/03/2023 21:05

Why do people dismiss reality though? Care leavers are at a massive transition in their lives when they get their own place. It’s a real pivot point in their lives that can and often does go spectacularly wrong. That’s not being judgemental, that’s a fact. So yes, I would be keeping this in mind if it was my daughter. Unfortunately she would be my priority and I haven’t got time for being politically correct when it comes to my kids welfare.

Lwrenagain · 25/03/2023 21:07

Your daughter having communication issues isn't outing at all, lots of us have neurodivergent DCs. Wouldn't worry about that.

Unless we're in for a massive drip feed,
it's not your business why he was in care and if you're so concerned about the area of his new home, would you maybe like to put a deposit down for him and pay the difference in his rent for a more affluent area?

Or, how about you show the lad some kindness, think to yourself how damn lucky you are to be born into a situation where you get to look down on children who've ended up needing to cared for by the LA and stick to what is your responsibility, ensuring your DD is going into her relationship with a good awareness of healthy boundaries and contraceptive measures in place.

I think you've been horribly unfair about a young person who has already been dealt a shitty hand.
Don't treat him with suspicion because of his upbringing, especially without any reason to.

AllOfThemWitches · 25/03/2023 21:10

Yes, I'd be concerned but I wouldn't be pushing her to stop seeing him or anything, just encourage her to keep communicating with you.

cloudyskye · 25/03/2023 21:15

Don’t you just think it’s sad that he’s having to move into a flat by himself at 17?

Justalittlebitduckling · 25/03/2023 21:34

I dated a kid in foster care when we were both 16. Still Facebook friends actually. Some kids have a rough start in life. There was nothing untoward.

itsthefinalcountdown1 · 25/03/2023 21:44

If your DD was dating his PARENTS, I would say you'd be correct to be concerned. A parent who have a child in foster care and you don't know why. That would probably raise some red flags for me and I'd want to know more.

Why on earth are you judging her boyfriend for having BEEN in foster care, without knowing the full story? He could have had the worst start ever and is now making something for himself.

Of course you should help her sort contraption if she hasn't already, as he is getting his own place, as a PP has suggested. Not because either of them sound irresponsible from the limited OP, but because they might have plenty of alone time coming up in his new flat!

Please don't judge kids based on their upbringing in care, without knowing the bigger picture.