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Original poster

Frustrated and disappointed - just realised I am a ‘virtual’ friend

28 replies

Ooonafoo · 24/03/2023 15:55

Old ‘best’ friend from teenage years. Always v close - thought we had an intense an emotionally open friendship.

She doesn’t live far but is rarely free for a physical meet up. Either ignores my requests, promises ‘next week’ and doesn’t follow through etc.

She initiates texts regularly and will phone impulsively when she has something to say but I find it had to pin her down to meet up.

I am just realising that this is unsatisfactory and I don’t want to be a virtual friend - I want to meet up and do stuff.

Is this normal to expect this or do others just tolerate a virtual friendship?

OP posts:
Weallgottachangesometime · 24/03/2023 15:57

I think different people have different needs from relationship. I, like you, need to see and meet up with people face to face for the relationship to feel meaningful. I would not be happy with the set up you describe either.

jenjenlinks · 24/03/2023 15:59

I'm not sure how you thought you had an intense friendship with someone you never see?
Why not just tell her your issue, rather than telling us?

samantha0709 · 24/03/2023 16:00

Is this normal to expect this or do others just tolerate a virtual friendship

I think it can depend on what is going on in your lives at the time. Sometimes people are just really busy. Or, for example, they have young children and for a while it's just chaos and it takes over. Or they might be feeling anxious or something and not wanting to socialise, following a break up or bereavement for example.

It just depends.

How long has this been going on? Can you straight up say 'I haven't seen you in X months, I'm glad we keep in touch but would like to hang out in person - would X x or X date work?'
If you get nothing from that, no explanation even as to why they've been rubbish at meeting up you could cool the friendship off. Sometimes people come back, when they're in a different place.

Anon19902 · 24/03/2023 16:06

Don't ask to meet up and wait for her, be proactive, offer a selection of dates and see what she says.

DutchCowgirl · 24/03/2023 16:08

I have several friends from my teenage years which all had children and very busy lives. And our friendship only survived because of Whatsapp. But now as our children are getting older we do manage to meetup sometimes. This morning I went for a coffee with an old friend and it was for the first time in 10 years (!) that we were alone together, without kids , and we really had time to discuss adult things irl😂

Original poster
Ooonafoo · 24/03/2023 16:39

She doesn’t have children, mine are all grown. I do suggest dates - she is won’t commit - things are only ever pencilled in and then when I go back to confirm - a few days before something else has been booked in - plumber etc. So I don’t feel like a priority.

I have brought up the situation once before and she got angry and slammed the phone down on me….

But I do love seeing her in person when we rarely together.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ooonafoo · 24/03/2023 16:40

I just feels one sided - she can ring me spontaneously and impulsively to get her needs met - whilst I feel I am always chasing for a meet up.

OP posts:
Weallgottachangesometime · 24/03/2023 16:42

I think you need to decide either to accept the relationship as it is, enjoy the time you do meet up and accept that she just doesn’t want to meet up as regularly as you.

Or

Let the friendship drift and focus on developing your other friendships.

Original poster
Ooonafoo · 24/03/2023 16:55

Weallgottachangesometime · 24/03/2023 16:42

I think you need to decide either to accept the relationship as it is, enjoy the time you do meet up and accept that she just doesn’t want to meet up as regularly as you.

Or

Let the friendship drift and focus on developing your other friendships.

Yes this is where I am at.

Its been like this for decades.

I have loads of other fulfilling friendships
from all different times of my life who I see regularly.

But I just miss her as maybe she was key at an important part of my life. She also knew my family well which my newer friends didn’t and as both parents have died and a sibling lives in US - maybe I am just nostalgic for those times

OP posts:
juliettesmother · 24/03/2023 16:58

Are you my friend Rachel?

Or in fact, any of my friends?

My social life is virtually non existent due to demanding job (teacher) and 4DC.

I love my friends but I just don't have the energy to be social with everyone so texts is how it goes. (I don't phone people though. I hate phone calls)

LadyKenya · 24/03/2023 17:03

Ooonafoo · 24/03/2023 16:40

I just feels one sided - she can ring me spontaneously and impulsively to get her needs met - whilst I feel I am always chasing for a meet up.

I had a similar situation to this. In the end I decided that the "friendship" was not working for me anymore. I am not here to be someone's unpaid counsellor. I am not suggesting that is what is happening with your situation, but whatever it is, does not seem to be fulfilling you, in the way that you want.

Weallgottachangesometime · 24/03/2023 17:03

It’s so hard letting a friendship go and accepting it’s just not there anymore.

I ended a friendship about a year ago. I was amazed at how hard it was and how long it took me to “get over it”. I was honestly like break up. I wonder if sometimes we don’t realise truly how hard it is when a friendship ends or peters out.

My friendship was similar. Not virtual but she flaked out of meet ups regularly, often ignored me for months to pop up enthusiastic about doing something together to then disappear again. Honestly I felt better when I was off the round about, but that is because I knew I couldn’t accept how the friendship was and it would always upset me.

Weallgottachangesometime · 24/03/2023 17:06

juliettesmother · 24/03/2023 16:58

Are you my friend Rachel?

Or in fact, any of my friends?

My social life is virtually non existent due to demanding job (teacher) and 4DC.

I love my friends but I just don't have the energy to be social with everyone so texts is how it goes. (I don't phone people though. I hate phone calls)

I hate phone calls too!!!

I mean I think both side are understandable. It understandable to be so busy with life you don’t have space to meet up with people. It also understandable to need more from a friendship.

sometime people’s wants/needs/situations just aren’t compatible.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 24/03/2023 17:21

I have a friend like this. We met up quite regularly at first then she made a group of other friends who were all school mums and gym buddies and, quite frankly, richer than me. We drifted a bit then talked about meeting when Covid had died down. She booked a table then cancelled due to suspected Covid then was really busy and did apologise. I said I'm ready whenever she is and it's never been discussed since so I've just left it. We're still fb friends and I know if I had trouble she would help but I'm not chasing around after her.

EasterEggBunny · 24/03/2023 17:40

I don't tolerate virtual friends if that's the only interaction. Feels pointless.

I don't think your friend is a friend any more. When people behave this way I find it's because they're not really interested in being friends, but if all their friends are busy and they're bored they'll contact the people they're not bothered about because anyone is better than no-one.

neitherofthem · 24/03/2023 17:52

I agree it is frustrating, and I can understand how you feel.

Wild guess time. Does she have a partner? Is there any chance at all that he might be abusively controlling or jealous, and won't let her go out to meet her friends? Or kicks up such a huge fuss when she does go out, that she avoids it whenever possible?

Mary46 · 24/03/2023 19:09

I would leave it now op dont chase her. Had this with a friend. No mention of meetups or suggestions to. No point really chasing people. I just try have a few friends now and keep busy.

Sunshine275 · 25/03/2023 20:53

What I don’t understand is you claim it’s a close friendship why can’t you ask her outright?

Antiquiteas · 26/03/2023 05:49

I have brought up the situation once before and she got angry and slammed the phone down on me….

But I do love seeing her in person when we rarely together.

Whats to love about being friends with her? If this was a relationship I’d tell you to bin it.

Movingonupi · 26/03/2023 05:54

I had a friend like this, it was a mum friend I made on my first mat leave, she didn’t work so when she had her second around the same time as me I thought great and had visions of us meeting up loads on mat leave for coffee and play dates etc. I also thought we got on really well, and really clicked. She used to text all the time but was really flaky meeting up, always had an excuse why not. This went on for months and I let the friendship fizzle out, gradually stopped replying to texts and suggesting meet ups. Don’t know if she had other stuff going on, but it was pointless considering she lived so close! Moved on and concentrated on other friends who did actually want to meet 🤷‍♀️

Isoqueen · 26/03/2023 06:00

I have several friends like this. We all have busy lives and it doesn't bother me. Maybe this friend is overwhelmed by her life and doesn't want to commit to the hard work involved in keeping a physical real life friendship going? We change in life, don't we and maybe she has just moved into a different phase .

EddieSteady · 26/03/2023 06:13

I love my friends but prefer interacting through text. I have an anxiety disorder and although I enjoy meeting up while it's happening, I'd prefer not to. Plus I'm a homebody so I'll always prefer being at home to being anywhere else.

I know I've lost friends over the years because they probably thought I wasn't that interested but the friends I've maintained 'get me' and understand.

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 26/03/2023 06:37

Does your friend meet up with other friends as she might be someone who doesn't really leave the house or has social anxiety so a virtual friendship works perfect

MermaidMummy06 · 26/03/2023 07:33

I've managed to get one of these virtual friends. Once our DC started school we went from meeting up 1-3 days a week to her never being free to catch up or flaking out and cancelling last minute, even on things she'd set up (so often I always had back up plans) - despite her being an SAHM with few responsibilities outside the kids (who were with grandparents a lot). She'd constantly message me with long conversations. I live ten minutes drive away so she could easily drive over for a coffee, but she doesn't have the time, apparently.

I think she genuinely thinks the message friendships are good enough, whereas it really just allows her to be very selfish. If it's something SHE wants to do (like playdates to occupy her DC or an abroad wedding of her DH's friends next year) she'll go all out to organise and attend.

I've learned to treat the friendship for what it is - a casual friendship where we do playdates occasionally, kids' parties and a chat via text or at the school gate. I don't emotionally invest in the friendship and don't allow myself to be taken advantage of, but I WFH and the DC all get along so the minimal contact still works. For now.

JarByTheDoor · 26/03/2023 07:38

Maybe she's put on four stone and is hoping you won't find out?

(Only half-joking — when I put on masses of weight from medication side effects, I didn't want people I used to know seeing me 😅)